15 Minutes pg 10...the plot thickens

[Bryan E.Warner]

I sure wish I could go faster...but gotta pay the bills...so slow an steady...pg 10 of 15 minuets...writer Chris Columbus..

[Pete Tha Creep]

Hey Bryan, steady rockin I'd watch the eyes from getting into manga territory

[Symson]

With the understanding that dialogue may clear up some of the confusion I’m having with the storytelling, here are my comments.

You never establish on this page that the females and the guy at the end are in the same room.

Panel 1
The most horrifying thing are the tangents with the guy’s hand and the girl’s arm.

Panel 2
Seems to be another view of the previous panel, except mother is letting the daughter see what’s going on.

Is that fire on the door frame?

Panel 3
The door frame has disappeared. Have they moved? The readers need to know if they moved.

It looks like they are still in the doorway and the woman is explaining something to the girl. Based on the first panel, we should have seen them trying to leave.

Panel 4
Now we’re behind them. But this doesn’t hook up with the previous panel, as the woman’s right hand is on the girl’s back, instead of the left. It also look like she is tickling the girl.

They seemed to have moved, because they are looking to their left at a doorway.

Panels 5, 6, 7
Without an establishing shot, the location of this guy is unclear. if it’s the same guy, then he has moved from the middle of the room where we see in the first panel. Now he seems to be walking alongside the wall.

[Bryan E.Warner]

Hey Bryan, steady rockin I'd watch the eyes from getting into manga territory

Thanks Pete yeah I've been told that I tend to go big on my eyes...I gotta be more careful..Thanks!

[Bryan E.Warner]

With the understanding that dialogue may clear up some of the confusion I’m having with the storytelling, here are my comments.

You never establish on this page that the females and the guy at the end are in the same room.

Panel 1
The most horrifying thing are the tangents with the guy’s hand and the girl’s arm.

Panel 2
Seems to be another view of the previous panel, except mother is letting the daughter see what’s going on.

Is that fire on the door frame?

Panel 3
The door frame has disappeared. Have they moved? The readers need to know if they moved.

It looks like they are still in the doorway and the woman is explaining something to the girl. Based on the first panel, we should have seen them trying to leave.

Panel 4
Now we’re behind them. But this doesn’t hook up with the previous panel, as the woman’s right hand is on the girl’s back, instead of the left. It also look like she is tickling the girl.

They seemed to have moved, because they are looking to their left at a doorway.

Panels 5, 6, 7
Without an establishing shot, the location of this guy is unclear. if it’s the same guy, then he has moved from the middle of the room where we see in the first panel. Now he seems to be walking alongside the wall.

Well Dang....The previous page leads us to here...And if Chris is as good as he seems..Dialog will clear a few things plus tie the pages together....They have moved from the door way back down a short hall...to the Mom telling the girl to hide...I'm usually pretty good at story telling with pics...the left hand ..right hand was to show that they in fact are now facing away from the trouble..( But I do see your point..)...Right now in the Story there is only 4 characters...our guy..his wife an daughter...and a prison guard...The Write Chris is hoping for a twightzone feel to the story....and it is a tricky script...next page we jump from this..back to Prison...
I'll try an be on my toes...Thanks a bunch Pal ....oh yes that is fire..

[Symson]

Well Dang....The previous page leads us to here...And if Chris is as good as he seems..Dialog will clear a few things plus tie the pages together....They have moved from the door way back down a short hall...to the Mom telling the girl to hide...I'm usually pretty good at story telling with pics...the left hand ..right hand was to show that they in fact are now facing away from the trouble..( But I do see your point..)...Right now in the Story there is only 4 characters...our guy..his wife an daughter...and a prison guard...The Write Chris is hoping for a twightzone feel to the story....and it is a tricky script...next page we jump from this..back to Prison...
I'll try an be on my toes...Thanks a bunch Pal ....oh yes that is fire..

You can't follow everything in the script, especially from an amateur. Your job is the tell the story visually. If there is movement, you need to show it and include transitions so it makes sense. I don't get any sense of the hallway. Because the characters are the same size in almost every panel, it feels like the camera is moving around them in one place.

You are going to be judged on the storytelling and you are not going to be around to tell every confused reader, "Well, that's what the writer asked for."

[Bryan E.Warner]

You can't follow everything in the script, especially from an amateur. Your job is the tell the story visually. If there is movement, you need to show it and include transitions so it makes sense. I don't get any sense of the hallway. Because the characters are the same size in almost every panel, it feels like the camera is moving around them in one place.

You are going to be judged on the storytelling and you are not going to be around to tell every confused reader, "Well, that's what the writer asked for."

Thanks Howard...Paul has already instructed me on jumping away from the script and try telling the story...so in fact there are 7 panels instead of 3 which would really be making you guess....and remember..the next page you see our guy is back in prison...so this page will really be detached....The story keeps jumping from present ( Prison ) to flash backs of the past that are sketchy....if it was not for the dialog...I wouldn't know what the heck was happening.....I'm trying my best " to Show NOT Tell" as Paul has instructed...You have pointed out I'm gonna have to really think on the story telling I can't thank you enough....I hope my next page will show that....Moving forward..I'm on to page 11...I've already been on this issue for 1 year and only 1/2 way with 3 issues to go...crazy

[nsterken]

Hey, Bryan, wait... did the script call for a bit of confusion? If the script is calling for a jumbled bunch of shots that make it unclear what the action is, that matters, too.

Doesn't sound like that is the case but I have a script I'm working on that features a bunch of that abstract, artsy shit that guys on here will simply loathe but... it doesn't matter cuz leaving a confused yet distinct impression on the reader is my final goal.

That being said, purposefully confusing action definitely takes you down another rabbit hole. I was just wondering if it was perhaps essential to the storytelling that the reader not fully know what's going on.

[Bryan E.Warner]

Hey, Bryan, wait... did the script call for a bit of confusion? If the script is calling for a jumbled bunch of shots that make it unclear what the action is, that matters, too.

Doesn't sound like that is the case but I have a script I'm working on that features a bunch of that abstract, artsy shit that guys on here will simply loathe but... it doesn't matter cuz leaving a confused yet distinct impression on the reader is my final goal.

That being said, purposefully confusing action definitely takes you down another rabbit hole. I was just wondering if it was perhaps essential to the storytelling that the reader not fully know what's going on.

To make a long story short...the writer is going Twilightzone....so lots of flash backs and present...like right now pg 11( working on ) we are back in prison...so this page will seem really detached.....Chris told me issue 2 is really gonna be a challenge....If I can just stick to it....I'm having to add panels so the unclear story is a bit more clear.. oooh boy....So yes the reader is suppose to be wondering what the heck..