Anti Hero sequential pages

[Symson]

I missed the original pages so I'm commenting on the updated pages.

The storytelling is very good. I never got lost and got the gist of the story.

Some proportions and composition problems.

PAGE ONE
Panel one - Bad composition. The house is hidden by the trees. The car is cropped awkwardly. What Is the reader to focus on here? You need to compose the scene and direct the eye.

Panel two - Stairway could be more convincing. Use reference. Boy's head is touching the top of the panel; not a good composition decision.

Panel five - This stairway has changed drastically. Suddenly his small hand can warp around the wood stems that were no where near him in panel two. He would have had to scooted down a few steps and to his right to be in this position.

PAGE TWO
Panel one - Poor perspective and tangents on background figures. Mother's pose is awkward, disjointed and doesn't look natural. Use reference.

Panel two - No way he can be parallel to the picture in bed and the room at this angle.

PAGE THREE
Panel two - I can see the kid's bottom on the seat cushion, so it seems like the dad is sitting on the floor with his elbow on the seat cushion.

Panel five - Yet now he's on the couch and the same height as the kid. Not possible.

PAGE FOUR
Panel one - Arm shouldn't be resting on the panel border.

Panel two and three - Legs and feet shouldn't be cropped like this.

Panel four - Poor composition resulting in tangents and it takes me a moment to realize they are on a bed. This could be composed so it's a much more tender and intimate moment.

PAGE FIVE
Panel one - Awkward crop of the foot.

Panel two - Awkward crop and bad proportion relationship between couch and characters. That is one huge couch or vert small figures.

PAGE SIX
Panel one - Tangent with elbow and head.

Panel two - Poor composition. Shadow placement needs better thought.

Panel four - No way dad is sitting on that couch in that position. Where are his legs? Serious redraw needed.

[David Pentecost]

Great feedback Symson! Wow you really nailed some screwed up panels that I didn't pay enough attention to.

Thanks!

David

[David Pentecost]

Updated pages

Hello all,
Here is a revamped page 2...changed panel 1 dramatically and tweaked panels 2 and 3. After Symsons feedback I realized that the mom and boy looked pretty wonkey. I decided to make it a more intimate scene and move them closer to the bedside. I felt it added more drama and intimacy as well as carried the idea of Adrian approaching the bed idea through all 3 panels.




Page 3 panel 2 - I fixed the wierd perspective on the boy. How I missed that I have no idea!




Reworking a panel on page 6 now.

Let me know your thoughts. Thanks!

[Symson]

PAGE TWO

Panel one - Much stronger. A better and more emotional panel. Mom's right hand isn't drawn very well. Looks like a claw and not very maternal. Why is the kid pointing his finger? it;s distracting.

PAGE THREE
Panel two and five - You only solved half of the issue. The father still looks like he is sitting on the floor, which is good thing because its shows the father is trying to really connect with his son at the boy's eye level.

The bad thing is that when an adult sits next to a child they rare not the same height. Also when an adult sits in a chair their shoulders are usually close to the top of the chair. Use reference; have an adult and child sit next to each the so you can get the spatial relationship correct.

[David Pentecost]

More updated images

Hello all,
I've updated page 1 panel 1...drew a neighborhood scene. This was actually my first idea but scraped it for what I thought would be a more dramatic scene with city skyline in the background. This seems much more grounded in reality to me.



Page 6. I updated the last panel with the teenager and dad sitting side by side. Does this work now? The spacial relationship seems much better to me.



Symson, thanks again for your comments...yeah, I think the mom's hand does seem a little claw like. The boy pointing his finger doesn't bother me personally because this is something my son would do. He touches things...especially in a place he feels uncomfortable he would probably just use 1 finger to touch and feel.

As for the eye levels of the father and son on the couch on page 3 - it works for me. Maybe I'm not being open minded enough. I actually used my couch as a reference and it has a really high back so maybe that is what is throwing things off?

Thanks again for everyone's comments / crits.

David

[eureka]

Great Job!

Love the look and feel to this comic, can't wait to see more! GREAT JOB!

[Eric Henson]

Really nice flow on these.

[David Pentecost]

Any inkers out there that would want to join me and Mark Bertolinni on a collaboration? We had an inker for these pages but things just didn't work out. Send me a private message if you are interested and we can talk details.
This is not a paying job, it is for a submission to a publisher. Mark has had some other books published so teaming with him is a great way to get your work seen by others.

David