Sample script

daredevil30269 · 09-30-2002, 10:36 PM

Here is another sample script. This is Techboyz issue #1.

Page One [1 panel]

FULL PAGE PANEL: Show an overview of the city. The futuristic buildings, the new high ways and how that there is another city of rubble underneath it, flying cars and several drones flying around.
CAP: 3107. THREE HUNDRED YEARS AFTER THE WAR, STEPHEN PHOENIX REBUILT NEW YORK IN HIS OWN IMAGE AND CALLED IT NEON CITY. BUT NO MATTER HOW ADVANCE THE TECHNOLOGY BECOMES AND HOW WE GROW AS A SOCIETY SOME THINGS NEVER CHANGE. LIKE…
CAP (2): LUST,
CAP (3): GREED,

Page Two [5 panels]

PANEL ONE: Show a man running against the flow of the crowd. He is pushing people and causing a scene as he goes through them. Farther behind are two men chasing him.
CAP: AND MURDER.
PERSON 1: HEY BUDDY, WACTH WHERE YOU ARE GOING!
PERSON 2: HEY! WHAT THE HELL DO YOU THINK YOU ARE DOING?
PANEL TWO: Edgar is not paying attention. He keeps looking back to make sure were the two chasing him are. He is running directly into a couple who are carrying a bunch of bags and boxes.
EDGAR: PLEASE SOMEONE HELP ME.
COUPLE: WATCHOUT!
PANEL THREE: He collides into a couple, causing all of them to fall to the ground. There is an alley off to the side of them.
MAN: YOU FREAK!
PANEL FOUR: The man is back up running into the alley. The two men chasing him stand there over the couple shooting at him.
SFX: Blam! Blam! Blam!
PANEL FIVE: A close up of a bullet ripping through the guy's thigh.
SFX: Spruk!

Page Three [3 panels]

PANEL ONE: Soto is sitting in a limo talking to Ikira by callwave net phone. His eyes appear to be clearer.
MR. SOTO: SIR, MY MEN ARE RECTIFYING THE SITUATION AS WE SPEAK.
IKIRA (op): SEE THAT THIS TIME IT’S TAKEN CARE OF. I WILL NOT EXCEPT FAILURE THIS TIME.
PANEL TWO: See through Soto’s eyes. You see a small screen that is almost see through so you can still see his surroundings.
IKIRA: SOTO, YOU ARE MY BEST EMPLOYEE. DO NOT DISAPPOINT ME.
SOTO (op): YES SIR. WHAT SHOULD I DO WITH EDGAR?
PANEL THREE: A close up of Soto’s face. He has an evil grin.
IKIRA (op): ELIMINATE HIM.
SOTO: IT WILL BE MY PLEASURE.

Page Four [6 panels]

PANEL ONE: His pants have blood all over them from were he was hit. He is on the ground. Rob is kicking him in the rib and stomach.
ROB: You son of a bitch! Don't ever run from me!
EDGAR (whisper): Ugh! Please…
PANEL TWO: Rob grabs him by the shirt.
ROB: WERE IS THE BOX?
EDGAR: I DO NOT KNOW.
PANEL THREE: Rob slams Edgar against the wall. The box falls out when this happens.
EDGAR: UMPH.
MICK (op): AH, YOU BEEN LYING TO US.
PANEL FOUR: Rob does a roundhouse kick. Hitting Edgar in the face.
SFX: BRAKT!
PANEL FIVE: Edgar is on his hands and knees. He is bleeding from his mouth and nose as he tries franticly to catch his breath. Both Rob and Mick stand over him.
MICK: EDGAR YOU WORTHLESS PIECE OF SHIT, GET UP!
PANEL SIX: The guy has Edgar by the throat, his other hand is up ready to punch him. Edgar has his hands up somewhat blocking his face. Edgar is bruised and bloody with fear in his eyes.
EDGAR: PLEASE, DON'T. YOU NEED ME.
MR. SOTO (op): MR. BICKERMAN, YOU HAVE NOTHING I NEED.

Page Five [5 panels]

PANEL ONE: Mr. Soto is behind them. He hands this metal caring case to the other guy.
MR. SOTO: MICK.
PANEL TWO: Mick takes the box from him.
SOTO: MAKE SURE IT IS SECURED.
MICK: YES SIR.
PANEL THREE: Mick places the box in the case. Rob is still holding Edgar, who is now looking at Soto.
ROB: WHAT ABOUT EDDIE?
MR. SOTO: MR. BICKERMAN, CONSIDER THIS YOUR TERMINATION NOTICE.
PANEL FOUR: Soto stands there with a gun pointed at Edgar. He fires it.
EDGAR: NO!
SFX: BLAM! BLAM!
PANEL FIVE: Edgar is at Rob’s feet. Edgar has one bullet hole in the head and another in the heart.

Page Six [4 panels]

PANEL ONE: Show a drone hovering over the alley, recording everything. In the lens you see the reflection of the three men walking back towards the limo.
CAP: IN A WORLD OF GREED AND TECHNO JUNKIES THE DRONES ARE THE EYES OF GOD. GOD, BEING THE NEON CITY COPS.
PANEL TWO: A wall of monitors surrounding one huge one. On the big one is the scene in the alley. The others have the global net, information and data or scenes from other drones. Samuel sits and watches everything.
CAP: THEIR LEADER IS SAMUEL PHEONIX, FOUNDER AND GRANDSON OF STEPHEN PHEONIX.
SAMUEL: SASHA.
SASHA (op): YES SIR.
PANEL THREE: Samuel sits at his desk. His elbows on the table and his chin resting on his hands. He has a cold stare on his face. Sasha the hologram stands in front of the desk.
SAMUEL: HAVE BANKS GO TAKE OVER THE BICKERMAN MURDER CASE IN THE ALLEY ON PHEONIX BLVD.
SASHA: YES SIR.
SAMUEL (2): YAMAMOTO IS BEGINNING TO BE A PROBLEM. HAVE SUKI COME BY TODAY. WE NEED TO TAKE CARE OF THIS.
PANEL FOUR: The hologram begins disappears as he goes back to watching the monitors.
SASHA: YES SIR.

Page Seven [6 panels]

PANEL ONE: A mansion outside the city. High walls and a guarded gate surround the house.
CAP: The Yamamoto Compound
CAP 2: Home of the world's richest man. He is the owner of Yamamoto. Nearly all computers are manufactured at Yamamoto Industries. As well as a great many other things.
PANEL TWO: Ikira is laid up in bed. Several devices are around to help him breath as well as other things. A doctor and nurse are looking him over as Matsumi sits his bedside.
MATSUMI: GRANDFATHER IS THERE ANYTHING I CAN DO?
IKIRA: MATSUMI, JUST CALL THE OFFICE AND TELL GORDON TO COME WORK HERE TODAY.
PANEL THREE: The nurse is taking blood samples from Ikira. The doctor is standing looking over is chart.
IKIRA: AS YOU CAN SEE. I SEEM TO BE EXPERIENCING A PROBLEM.
DOCTOR: MR. YAMAMOTO, YOU SEEM TO BE DOING FINE CONSIDERING WHAT HAS HAPPENED TO THE OTHERS.
IKIRA (2): DO NOT PATRONIZE ME. I OWN YOU REMEMBER?
PANEL FOUR: The doctor is talking to Ikira. Behind him the nurse is labeling the last tube of blood.
DOCTOR: YES, SIR. IT WILL NOT HAPPEN AGAIN.
IKIRA: GOOD AS LONG AS WE BOTH KNOW WHO’S IN CHARGE.
SFX: RING!
PANEL FIVE: Ikira is on the phone with Soto. Ikira waves the doctor to back off.
SOTO (op): I HAVE IT.
IKIRA: EXCELLENT. HAVE IT AT THE AIRPORT AT 4PM THIS AFTERNOON. YOU WILL TAKE IT TO THE OSAKA BRANCH FOR TESTING.
PANEL SIX: Ikira looks forcefully at Matsumi.
IKIRA: I NEED YOU TO GO CALL AND HAVE THE PLANE READY TO GO AT 4 O’CLOCK.
MATSUMI: YES SIR I WILL DO IT NOW.

Page Eight

PANEL ONE: Suki walks in as Matsumi is leaving.
SUKI: HELLO, UNCLE. EVERYONE SEEMS BUSY TODAY.
IKIRA (op): YES, THEY ACTUALLY WORK FOR A LIVING.
PANEL TWO: Suki is at the foot of the bed.
SUKI: UNCLE I JOINED THE NCC TO HELP THE COMPANY. BESIDE SOMEONE NEEDS TO SINCE YOU AND MATSUMI LIVE IN FANTASYLAND.
PANEL THREE: AN evil look is on Ikira’s face as he stares over his oxygen mask.
IKIRA: DON’T PLAY THIS ACT FOR MY BENEFIT. YOU WILL NEVER OWN THE COMPANY. I HAVE SEEN TO THAT.
SUKI (op): THEN YOU ARE A FOOL. I…
SFX: PING!
PANEL FOUR: Suki has a hand over her left ear as she begins to stare off into space. Her eyes are a hazy white tint to them.
SUKI: ONE MOMENT UNCLE.
PANEL FIVE: You see through Suki’s eyes. She is on the call wave talking to Sasha. You see the doctor finishing up with Ikira in the background.
SASHA: HELLO MISS YAMAMOTO. PHEONIX NEEDS TO SEE YOU IN HIS OFFICE ASAP.
SUKI (op): I AM LEAVING RIGHT NOW.

Page Nine [5 panels]

PANEL ONE: Police are on the scene in the alley were Edgar’s body is. There is a sweeper in the background picking up trash. Jane is kneeling by the body picking up pieces of evidence.
KIEFER (op): HAS ANYONE TOLD YOU HOW BEAUTIFUL YOU LOOK AT A CRIME SCENE?
JANE: NO BUT MOST CAN’T SEE PAST THE DOUGHNUT. HEY KIEFER.
PANEL TWO: Jane is up talking to Kiefer. Behind her is flashing lights from the police car that is now landing.
KIEFER: ANY CHANCE YOU HAVE ANYTHING FOR ME?
JANE: MY GUESS IS THAT IT WAS HIT. THERE IS NOTHING MISSING. THE GUY STILL HAS HIS CREDS AND HIS GN IMPLANT.
PANEL THREE: The two are still talking as Natsu walks up.
KIEFER: THANKS JANE. GET ME A RUSH ON THE CASINGS. I THINK IT MIGHT HAVE SOMETHING TO DO WITH FAT TONY AND THE YAKUZA.
JANE: SURE THING.
PANEL FOUR: Kiefer turns to talk with Natsu. Jane and several others are taking the body away.
NATSU: A WITNESS SAYS THERE WAS THREE GUYS WITH HIM.TO MAKE IT SHORT IT WAS A SHAKE DOWN.
KEIFER: ANY DISCRIPTION?
PANEL FIVE: A clipboard type computer. On the screen is a picture of Mick and some information on him.
NATSU (op): YEAH, A MICK SUGIO.

Page Ten [4 panels]

PANEL ONE: Natsu and Kiefer are talking still. An uniformed officer is standing next to them with a computer clipboard in hand.
KIEFER: MALONE, FIND OUT IF THERE WAS ANY DRONES AROUND HERE TODAY.
MALONE: YES SIR.
PANEL TWO: Banks come walking past several officers.
BANKS: DETECTIVE HIDESATO.
KIEFER (op): NO, THIS IS NOT HAPPENING!
PANEL THREE: Banks hands Kiefer several forms. Kiefer is pissed as he grabs them.
BANKS: THE NCC IS OFFICIALLY TAKING OVER THIS CASE. ALL PAPER WORK AND ANYTHING PERTAINING TO THIS CASE NEEDS TO BE HANDED OVER TO ME. KIEFER, YOU CN GO PLAY COPS SOMEWHERE ELSE.
PANEL FOUR: Kiefer shoves the forms in Banks’ suit pocket.
KIEFER: YOU KNOW I WOULD TELL YOU TO STICK THIS WERE THE SUN DON’T SHINE IF I DIDN’T THINK YOU WOULD LIKE IT. TELL SAM I SAID HELLO.

**Vendetta** · 10-01-2002, 01:24 AM

Is this your work?

daredevil30269 · 10-01-2002, 02:17 PM

Yes this is my work. I wrote it. Randy created the characters. Told me to have fun with it. Why? Whats wrong with it?

**Vendetta** · 10-01-2002, 09:43 PM

nothing is "wrong" By the title "Sample Script" it just made me wonder if it was yours or an example script. I'll read it and do some C&C.

**Vendetta** · 10-01-2002, 11:06 PM

Page one, panel one.
I think it is crucial for you to really describe this first scene out. I don’t think your description quite does it the justice that you need to convey to the artist. You should describe how the artist needs to show the city built over another city? Is it on stilts? If there is this amazing city, wouldn’t the streets be cleaned up and the old city be removed if it wasn’t up on some kind of stilts? I think this could be a VERY cool but it really needs to be described well so the artist knows exactly how to draw it.

I also think you should split the first caption into two captions because you have a change of thought in the middle of the caption.
1 CAPTION: THREE HUNDRED YEARS AFTER THE WAR, STEPHEN PHOENIX REBUILT NEW YORK IN HIS OWN IMAGE AND CALLED IT NEON CITY.
2 CAPTION: BUT NO MATTER HOW ADVANCE THE TECHNOLOGY BECOMES AND HOW WE GROW AS A SOCIETY SOME THINGS NEVER CHANGE. LIKE…

Page two
Watch your line spacing. You have no space between one panel and the next and occasional spaces between lines. You definitely want a clean, crisp looking page. Certainly, this may only be a “draft” but getting into good writing practices is never a bad thing and honestly, it only makes it easier when trying to do that clean, proper script later on.
Panel 5
Just a suggestion, but shouldn’t there be a kind of “ouch” sfx here from the guy?

Page 3, panel 1
“I WILL NOT EXCEPT FAILURE THIS TIME.” I think you mean “ACCEPT” instead of “EXCEPT.”
Not to be nit-picky… but I think this page lacks the desired “umph” that you probably wanted. You have three nice, large, dynamic sized panels with no action to show and very little text to carry us. I don’t really feel threatened by these two guys. I think you should go for more panels… even if they don’t have any text… maybe show SOTO fingering a futuristic gun and has an eye-patch, IKIRA stroking a cat or something… who knows… just give us some shots that help establish mood. The words are a little sparse, but that’s OK if you have good mood pics for the page. If not, you will need to beef up their conversation some to establish what makes these two so dangerous.

Page 5, panel 1
“…He hands (a) metal car(ry)ing case…”

Page 6
I really think a group of organized criminals would be a little more savvy to the police methods of the time and do SOMETHING, anything to stop the drones from just floating around and recording them. I mean, at the least, Soto should have an umbrella up to block something recording his face while he blatantly shoots someone. I should think they might have some kind of jamming devices. I know you need to send the cops after them, but that shouldn’t be a problem. They leave the alley, the drone can film the corpse and they could get a couple shots of these guys leaving the alley which is enough to make them suspects and all the more when Soto is identified. A time index from drone images can place them close enough to the time when the murder happened to make them suspects. I think you should “play up” the detective work a little, even if it isn’t much. Let the audience see that one of these cops is a sharp cookie… maybe they don’t have enough to go on and the cop assigned the case (Banks) could piece this little bit together. I know Banks is going to “rain” on keifer’s parade later on but still, he could be shown as competent here.

Page 8, panel 1
“Jane is kneeling by the body picking up pieces of evidence.” You should watch a couple episodes of CSI to get a better feel for how evidence is gathered. It might help. Again, you will want to be descriptive to your artist so that he knows exactly what “pieces” of evidence Jane is gathering here. Is she dusting for finger prints? Taking tissue samples? Hair, blood, fiber or powder samples? Its pretty futuristic (flying police car landing in the background) so maybe she has a “scanner” type device to find those things… but you need to tell that to the artist if you do. NEVER assume the artist will know what you are talking about. You have to be careful how many words you put on a page that will be seen by the audience, but when describing the scene, you can really lay out a lot of text to get your point across. Just be mindful of the artist and not ramble when you do so.

Also, a note on Keifer… who is he? Is he a private eye? It kind of seems like it since he is on the scene and doesn’t know Banks was given the case. I mean, this guy was just murdered and they assign it to Banks on page six (though you did say “Take over the case” but the guy was JUST murdered… how could it already be assigned and then reassigned?) But I think Keifer is a cop because he is ordering Malone around… I just think you could crispen this all up quite a bit.

Anyway, thems just me thoughts.

daredevil30269 · 10-02-2002, 02:22 PM

Thanks for the advice. I am going over that tonight.

**Vendetta** · 10-02-2002, 06:19 PM

hope there is a little there that can help you, sir. Good luck.

daredevil30269 · 10-02-2002, 09:36 PM

Trust me you did man. Thanks for the help.

10-01-2002, 01:24 AM	#2
Vendetta The writer formerly known as Join Date: Apr 2002 Location: The Dark Regions of Northern California Posts: 1,668	Is this your work? __________________ Life without violence? How?

10-01-2002, 09:43 PM	#4
Vendetta The writer formerly known as Join Date: Apr 2002 Location: The Dark Regions of Northern California Posts: 1,668	nothing is "wrong" By the title "Sample Script" it just made me wonder if it was yours or an example script. I'll read it and do some C&C. __________________ Life without violence? How?

10-01-2002, 11:06 PM	#5
Vendetta The writer formerly known as Join Date: Apr 2002 Location: The Dark Regions of Northern California Posts: 1,668	Page one, panel one. I think it is crucial for you to really describe this first scene out. I don’t think your description quite does it the justice that you need to convey to the artist. You should describe how the artist needs to show the city built over another city? Is it on stilts? If there is this amazing city, wouldn’t the streets be cleaned up and the old city be removed if it wasn’t up on some kind of stilts? I think this could be a VERY cool but it really needs to be described well so the artist knows exactly how to draw it. I also think you should split the first caption into two captions because you have a change of thought in the middle of the caption. 1 CAPTION: THREE HUNDRED YEARS AFTER THE WAR, STEPHEN PHOENIX REBUILT NEW YORK IN HIS OWN IMAGE AND CALLED IT NEON CITY. 2 CAPTION: BUT NO MATTER HOW ADVANCE THE TECHNOLOGY BECOMES AND HOW WE GROW AS A SOCIETY SOME THINGS NEVER CHANGE. LIKE… Page two Watch your line spacing. You have no space between one panel and the next and occasional spaces between lines. You definitely want a clean, crisp looking page. Certainly, this may only be a “draft” but getting into good writing practices is never a bad thing and honestly, it only makes it easier when trying to do that clean, proper script later on. Panel 5 Just a suggestion, but shouldn’t there be a kind of “ouch” sfx here from the guy? Page 3, panel 1 “I WILL NOT EXCEPT FAILURE THIS TIME.” I think you mean “ACCEPT” instead of “EXCEPT.” Not to be nit-picky… but I think this page lacks the desired “umph” that you probably wanted. You have three nice, large, dynamic sized panels with no action to show and very little text to carry us. I don’t really feel threatened by these two guys. I think you should go for more panels… even if they don’t have any text… maybe show SOTO fingering a futuristic gun and has an eye-patch, IKIRA stroking a cat or something… who knows… just give us some shots that help establish mood. The words are a little sparse, but that’s OK if you have good mood pics for the page. If not, you will need to beef up their conversation some to establish what makes these two so dangerous. Page 5, panel 1 “…He hands (a) metal car(ry)ing case…” Page 6 I really think a group of organized criminals would be a little more savvy to the police methods of the time and do SOMETHING, anything to stop the drones from just floating around and recording them. I mean, at the least, Soto should have an umbrella up to block something recording his face while he blatantly shoots someone. I should think they might have some kind of jamming devices. I know you need to send the cops after them, but that shouldn’t be a problem. They leave the alley, the drone can film the corpse and they could get a couple shots of these guys leaving the alley which is enough to make them suspects and all the more when Soto is identified. A time index from drone images can place them close enough to the time when the murder happened to make them suspects. I think you should “play up” the detective work a little, even if it isn’t much. Let the audience see that one of these cops is a sharp cookie… maybe they don’t have enough to go on and the cop assigned the case (Banks) could piece this little bit together. I know Banks is going to “rain” on keifer’s parade later on but still, he could be shown as competent here. Page 8, panel 1 “Jane is kneeling by the body picking up pieces of evidence.” You should watch a couple episodes of CSI to get a better feel for how evidence is gathered. It might help. Again, you will want to be descriptive to your artist so that he knows exactly what “pieces” of evidence Jane is gathering here. Is she dusting for finger prints? Taking tissue samples? Hair, blood, fiber or powder samples? Its pretty futuristic (flying police car landing in the background) so maybe she has a “scanner” type device to find those things… but you need to tell that to the artist if you do. NEVER assume the artist will know what you are talking about. You have to be careful how many words you put on a page that will be seen by the audience, but when describing the scene, you can really lay out a lot of text to get your point across. Just be mindful of the artist and not ramble when you do so. Also, a note on Keifer… who is he? Is he a private eye? It kind of seems like it since he is on the scene and doesn’t know Banks was given the case. I mean, this guy was just murdered and they assign it to Banks on page six (though you did say “Take over the case” but the guy was JUST murdered… how could it already be assigned and then reassigned?) But I think Keifer is a cop because he is ordering Malone around… I just think you could crispen this all up quite a bit. Anyway, thems just me thoughts. __________________ Life without violence? How?

10-02-2002, 06:19 PM	#7
Vendetta The writer formerly known as Join Date: Apr 2002 Location: The Dark Regions of Northern California Posts: 1,668	hope there is a little there that can help you, sir. Good luck. __________________ Life without violence? How?

Thread Tools
Show Printable Version Email this Page
Display Modes
Linear Mode Switch to Hybrid Mode Switch to Threaded Mode

09-30-2002, 10:36 PM	#1
daredevil30269 Join Date: Sep 2002 Posts: 186	Sample script Here is another sample script. This is Techboyz issue #1. Page One [1 panel] FULL PAGE PANEL: Show an overview of the city. The futuristic buildings, the new high ways and how that there is another city of rubble underneath it, flying cars and several drones flying around. CAP: 3107. THREE HUNDRED YEARS AFTER THE WAR, STEPHEN PHOENIX REBUILT NEW YORK IN HIS OWN IMAGE AND CALLED IT NEON CITY. BUT NO MATTER HOW ADVANCE THE TECHNOLOGY BECOMES AND HOW WE GROW AS A SOCIETY SOME THINGS NEVER CHANGE. LIKE… CAP (2): LUST, CAP (3): GREED, Page Two [5 panels] PANEL ONE: Show a man running against the flow of the crowd. He is pushing people and causing a scene as he goes through them. Farther behind are two men chasing him. CAP: AND MURDER. PERSON 1: HEY BUDDY, WACTH WHERE YOU ARE GOING! PERSON 2: HEY! WHAT THE HELL DO YOU THINK YOU ARE DOING? PANEL TWO: Edgar is not paying attention. He keeps looking back to make sure were the two chasing him are. He is running directly into a couple who are carrying a bunch of bags and boxes. EDGAR: PLEASE SOMEONE HELP ME. COUPLE: WATCHOUT! PANEL THREE: He collides into a couple, causing all of them to fall to the ground. There is an alley off to the side of them. MAN: YOU FREAK! PANEL FOUR: The man is back up running into the alley. The two men chasing him stand there over the couple shooting at him. SFX: Blam! Blam! Blam! PANEL FIVE: A close up of a bullet ripping through the guy's thigh. SFX: Spruk! Page Three [3 panels] PANEL ONE: Soto is sitting in a limo talking to Ikira by callwave net phone. His eyes appear to be clearer. MR. SOTO: SIR, MY MEN ARE RECTIFYING THE SITUATION AS WE SPEAK. IKIRA (op): SEE THAT THIS TIME IT’S TAKEN CARE OF. I WILL NOT EXCEPT FAILURE THIS TIME. PANEL TWO: See through Soto’s eyes. You see a small screen that is almost see through so you can still see his surroundings. IKIRA: SOTO, YOU ARE MY BEST EMPLOYEE. DO NOT DISAPPOINT ME. SOTO (op): YES SIR. WHAT SHOULD I DO WITH EDGAR? PANEL THREE: A close up of Soto’s face. He has an evil grin. IKIRA (op): ELIMINATE HIM. SOTO: IT WILL BE MY PLEASURE. Page Four [6 panels] PANEL ONE: His pants have blood all over them from were he was hit. He is on the ground. Rob is kicking him in the rib and stomach. ROB: You son of a bitch! Don't ever run from me! EDGAR (whisper): Ugh! Please… PANEL TWO: Rob grabs him by the shirt. ROB: WERE IS THE BOX? EDGAR: I DO NOT KNOW. PANEL THREE: Rob slams Edgar against the wall. The box falls out when this happens. EDGAR: UMPH. MICK (op): AH, YOU BEEN LYING TO US. PANEL FOUR: Rob does a roundhouse kick. Hitting Edgar in the face. SFX: BRAKT! PANEL FIVE: Edgar is on his hands and knees. He is bleeding from his mouth and nose as he tries franticly to catch his breath. Both Rob and Mick stand over him. MICK: EDGAR YOU WORTHLESS PIECE OF SHIT, GET UP! PANEL SIX: The guy has Edgar by the throat, his other hand is up ready to punch him. Edgar has his hands up somewhat blocking his face. Edgar is bruised and bloody with fear in his eyes. EDGAR: PLEASE, DON'T. YOU NEED ME. MR. SOTO (op): MR. BICKERMAN, YOU HAVE NOTHING I NEED. Page Five [5 panels] PANEL ONE: Mr. Soto is behind them. He hands this metal caring case to the other guy. MR. SOTO: MICK. PANEL TWO: Mick takes the box from him. SOTO: MAKE SURE IT IS SECURED. MICK: YES SIR. PANEL THREE: Mick places the box in the case. Rob is still holding Edgar, who is now looking at Soto. ROB: WHAT ABOUT EDDIE? MR. SOTO: MR. BICKERMAN, CONSIDER THIS YOUR TERMINATION NOTICE. PANEL FOUR: Soto stands there with a gun pointed at Edgar. He fires it. EDGAR: NO! SFX: BLAM! BLAM! PANEL FIVE: Edgar is at Rob’s feet. Edgar has one bullet hole in the head and another in the heart. Page Six [4 panels] PANEL ONE: Show a drone hovering over the alley, recording everything. In the lens you see the reflection of the three men walking back towards the limo. CAP: IN A WORLD OF GREED AND TECHNO JUNKIES THE DRONES ARE THE EYES OF GOD. GOD, BEING THE NEON CITY COPS. PANEL TWO: A wall of monitors surrounding one huge one. On the big one is the scene in the alley. The others have the global net, information and data or scenes from other drones. Samuel sits and watches everything. CAP: THEIR LEADER IS SAMUEL PHEONIX, FOUNDER AND GRANDSON OF STEPHEN PHEONIX. SAMUEL: SASHA. SASHA (op): YES SIR. PANEL THREE: Samuel sits at his desk. His elbows on the table and his chin resting on his hands. He has a cold stare on his face. Sasha the hologram stands in front of the desk. SAMUEL: HAVE BANKS GO TAKE OVER THE BICKERMAN MURDER CASE IN THE ALLEY ON PHEONIX BLVD. SASHA: YES SIR. SAMUEL (2): YAMAMOTO IS BEGINNING TO BE A PROBLEM. HAVE SUKI COME BY TODAY. WE NEED TO TAKE CARE OF THIS. PANEL FOUR: The hologram begins disappears as he goes back to watching the monitors. SASHA: YES SIR. Page Seven [6 panels] PANEL ONE: A mansion outside the city. High walls and a guarded gate surround the house. CAP: The Yamamoto Compound CAP 2: Home of the world's richest man. He is the owner of Yamamoto. Nearly all computers are manufactured at Yamamoto Industries. As well as a great many other things. PANEL TWO: Ikira is laid up in bed. Several devices are around to help him breath as well as other things. A doctor and nurse are looking him over as Matsumi sits his bedside. MATSUMI: GRANDFATHER IS THERE ANYTHING I CAN DO? IKIRA: MATSUMI, JUST CALL THE OFFICE AND TELL GORDON TO COME WORK HERE TODAY. PANEL THREE: The nurse is taking blood samples from Ikira. The doctor is standing looking over is chart. IKIRA: AS YOU CAN SEE. I SEEM TO BE EXPERIENCING A PROBLEM. DOCTOR: MR. YAMAMOTO, YOU SEEM TO BE DOING FINE CONSIDERING WHAT HAS HAPPENED TO THE OTHERS. IKIRA (2): DO NOT PATRONIZE ME. I OWN YOU REMEMBER? PANEL FOUR: The doctor is talking to Ikira. Behind him the nurse is labeling the last tube of blood. DOCTOR: YES, SIR. IT WILL NOT HAPPEN AGAIN. IKIRA: GOOD AS LONG AS WE BOTH KNOW WHO’S IN CHARGE. SFX: RING! PANEL FIVE: Ikira is on the phone with Soto. Ikira waves the doctor to back off. SOTO (op): I HAVE IT. IKIRA: EXCELLENT. HAVE IT AT THE AIRPORT AT 4PM THIS AFTERNOON. YOU WILL TAKE IT TO THE OSAKA BRANCH FOR TESTING. PANEL SIX: Ikira looks forcefully at Matsumi. IKIRA: I NEED YOU TO GO CALL AND HAVE THE PLANE READY TO GO AT 4 O’CLOCK. MATSUMI: YES SIR I WILL DO IT NOW. Page Eight PANEL ONE: Suki walks in as Matsumi is leaving. SUKI: HELLO, UNCLE. EVERYONE SEEMS BUSY TODAY. IKIRA (op): YES, THEY ACTUALLY WORK FOR A LIVING. PANEL TWO: Suki is at the foot of the bed. SUKI: UNCLE I JOINED THE NCC TO HELP THE COMPANY. BESIDE SOMEONE NEEDS TO SINCE YOU AND MATSUMI LIVE IN FANTASYLAND. PANEL THREE: AN evil look is on Ikira’s face as he stares over his oxygen mask. IKIRA: DON’T PLAY THIS ACT FOR MY BENEFIT. YOU WILL NEVER OWN THE COMPANY. I HAVE SEEN TO THAT. SUKI (op): THEN YOU ARE A FOOL. I… SFX: PING! PANEL FOUR: Suki has a hand over her left ear as she begins to stare off into space. Her eyes are a hazy white tint to them. SUKI: ONE MOMENT UNCLE. PANEL FIVE: You see through Suki’s eyes. She is on the call wave talking to Sasha. You see the doctor finishing up with Ikira in the background. SASHA: HELLO MISS YAMAMOTO. PHEONIX NEEDS TO SEE YOU IN HIS OFFICE ASAP. SUKI (op): I AM LEAVING RIGHT NOW. Page Nine [5 panels] PANEL ONE: Police are on the scene in the alley were Edgar’s body is. There is a sweeper in the background picking up trash. Jane is kneeling by the body picking up pieces of evidence. KIEFER (op): HAS ANYONE TOLD YOU HOW BEAUTIFUL YOU LOOK AT A CRIME SCENE? JANE: NO BUT MOST CAN’T SEE PAST THE DOUGHNUT. HEY KIEFER. PANEL TWO: Jane is up talking to Kiefer. Behind her is flashing lights from the police car that is now landing. KIEFER: ANY CHANCE YOU HAVE ANYTHING FOR ME? JANE: MY GUESS IS THAT IT WAS HIT. THERE IS NOTHING MISSING. THE GUY STILL HAS HIS CREDS AND HIS GN IMPLANT. PANEL THREE: The two are still talking as Natsu walks up. KIEFER: THANKS JANE. GET ME A RUSH ON THE CASINGS. I THINK IT MIGHT HAVE SOMETHING TO DO WITH FAT TONY AND THE YAKUZA. JANE: SURE THING. PANEL FOUR: Kiefer turns to talk with Natsu. Jane and several others are taking the body away. NATSU: A WITNESS SAYS THERE WAS THREE GUYS WITH HIM.TO MAKE IT SHORT IT WAS A SHAKE DOWN. KEIFER: ANY DISCRIPTION? PANEL FIVE: A clipboard type computer. On the screen is a picture of Mick and some information on him. NATSU (op): YEAH, A MICK SUGIO. Page Ten [4 panels] PANEL ONE: Natsu and Kiefer are talking still. An uniformed officer is standing next to them with a computer clipboard in hand. KIEFER: MALONE, FIND OUT IF THERE WAS ANY DRONES AROUND HERE TODAY. MALONE: YES SIR. PANEL TWO: Banks come walking past several officers. BANKS: DETECTIVE HIDESATO. KIEFER (op): NO, THIS IS NOT HAPPENING! PANEL THREE: Banks hands Kiefer several forms. Kiefer is pissed as he grabs them. BANKS: THE NCC IS OFFICIALLY TAKING OVER THIS CASE. ALL PAPER WORK AND ANYTHING PERTAINING TO THIS CASE NEEDS TO BE HANDED OVER TO ME. KIEFER, YOU CN GO PLAY COPS SOMEWHERE ELSE. PANEL FOUR: Kiefer shoves the forms in Banks’ suit pocket. KIEFER: YOU KNOW I WOULD TELL YOU TO STICK THIS WERE THE SUN DON’T SHINE IF I DIDN’T THINK YOU WOULD LIKE IT. TELL SAM I SAID HELLO.

10-01-2002, 02:17 PM	#3
daredevil30269 Join Date: Sep 2002 Posts: 186	Yes this is my work. I wrote it. Randy created the characters. Told me to have fun with it. Why? Whats wrong with it?

10-02-2002, 02:22 PM	#6
daredevil30269 Join Date: Sep 2002 Posts: 186	Thanks for the advice. I am going over that tonight.

10-02-2002, 09:36 PM	#8
daredevil30269 Join Date: Sep 2002 Posts: 186	Trust me you did man. Thanks for the help.