Responsibility and Power pencils

[drudarque]

Here's a script I penciled, got it from the sample scripts, written by Iron Syndicate. I enjoyed doing it, comments and criticisms are welcome.

[paladis]

Wow, I like them allot. In one of the panels I thought the Lizard was going to try and get freaky with Spidey because he is thrusting his pelvis directly at Spideys open mouth. That seems a little exposed for mortal combat but I know you did it for affect. Maybe back the Lizard up a little, I think that would be more convincing in combat. If I was Spidey in that position, forget about exerting all that energy to flip over him…I would cold punch him in his little lizard nuts

[drudarque]

Yeah I noticed that after I had drawn the splash page, but figured it didn't really warrant reworking. Thanks though I'm glad you like them.

[Geekboy]

There's a lot to like. I think your style is getting to a nice place (it isn't quite there yet, but its strong and with a bit more work it could be really slick) and I like that you tried to consistently show backgrounds.

Some issues, though:

There's a "180 rule" that is used by comics artists and film makers. It says that you never turn your camera more than 180 degrees on your subject when going from one shot to the other. Characters can't go straight from the viewer seeing them from the left then to seeing them from the right. It's disorienting and confusing. You break that a lot in here and it really hurts your storytelling.

Lizard looks like he's knocking Spidey to his left, but he hits the right side of the tunnel.

Peter is very "off model." While a lot of characters have been around for so long and drawn in so many different ways that they're open to interpretation, you have to draw mask-less Peter Parker to look the way he does when John Romita Sr. draws him or it doesn't look like Peter Parker. You can still alter it based on your style, but this doesn't look like Peter Parker with half his mask ripped off. Study some Romita to get that face right.

Some other minor stuff, but most of the problems for me stem from these two issues.

[paladis]

Like Geeboy said, Pete's face needs allot of work.

Geekboy, I believe what you are seeing is the follow through of Lizards tale. I think Spidey is hit on his right side which forces him to fall to his left. I might be wrong, but that's what I see.

Dru, again you have a great style...I really like it, but like Geek says that Peter looks nothing like Peter Parker.

[Scott Blocker]

My only complaint would be some of the panels on the first page seem cramped and it it hard to tell what is going on at times.

[autowagon]

wow, man you got some skills. the art is great. i see a few things but i'm sure they are things that you would also see given some time.
---the problems are in the storytelling. They are rather hard to explain, but basically things don't move the way they would be expected to. They don't "read," they are pictures that you have to look at and then deduct, oh ok, lizard smashed him against the wall with his tail.
---the camera-it doesn't look like you are using it for effect. Your panels do not evoke a connection with the character's state of mind, close up, up shot, down shot. these shots have different effects.
---actually i see you are using the camera tilt a lot which creates that uncomfortable jarring effect, but i think you are using it more as a compositional element to point straight lines right into the next panel, to point the way. It isn't really working very well for the reader. There are a lot of other ways to move the reader's eye. It is making the movements of spidey and lizard seem strange because you are having to pick a crazy camera angle because of these assumed horizon lines and vanishing points and then place the characters into the panel composition accordingly.
---mostly its the movements that don't read to me.
---maybe the 180 rule would help you, but i think it might be best to just draw the first thing that pops into your head when you read the panel description and work from there. sometimes the first impression tells the story better than utylizing every compositional tool you can think of to layout the page.
---It seems like you are only concentrating on the compositions: foreground midground and back ground. I actually think the perspective grids you are laying out are hindering the story telling because they are determining the figures gestures and positions. It is my opinion that the actors should be telling the story with those things, and the background should be secondary to that. which is why the background doesn't even have to be in a panel sometimes.

[drudarque]

Thanks for the compliments autowagon. I like your take on what's wrong with my work. It's a little hard for me to wrap my head around some of it but I get the jist. I don't think I put quite as much thought into the composition as you assumed but I did let the backgrounds lead the way in where my characters were arranged to a certain extent, which I see now, quite clearly, was a mistake. Thanks, out of all the crits yours gives me the most pause for thought.

[autowagon]

i looked at your other posts, and wanted to say that you have improved a lot. keep it up.

[drudarque]

Appreciate it Autowagon. I worked to try to improve what all you guys saw wrong with my last, and first post on P.J. I've been studying the form for a long time, and it, without a doubt is the hardest of the arts, and yes it is an art, far more, I think than a lot of what is considered art. I thought I knew quite a bit about the medium, I got schooled. Thanks to all for that.