My original script

[gloftus]

I'd really appreciate some feedback guys, this is just the first 3 pages of a story I wrote, if anyone's interested I'd be glad to talk about it some more. Also, I'm looking for an artist if anyone's interested...)

Page 1--
Panel 1: Widescreen, top 5th of page. Black.

Inner Monologue: Hello.

Panel 2: Sort of unconventional straight-on shot of protagonist, Chris. He looks tired, and very haggard. It isn’t supposed to be flattering. He looks real, and really put through the ringer. There’s a name tag on his chest and below him in parenthesis it reads “(we like him)”

Inner Monologue: I’m Chris.

Panel 3-4: Profile of Chris’s right side. He’s looking slightly down to show that he’s talking to someone shorter than he is, but it looks like he’s staring right off the page. He is dreamily happy and in a sort of daze. He looks like he’s talking to the most beautiful girl he’s ever seen, and he is. He’s sitting down in a busy restaurant that’s packed. The shot should feel tight, claustrophobic even, but it has to be clearly Chris. He doesn’t look haggard. He looks respectable and handsome and dignified.

Chris: You didn’t like Pulp Fiction?
Inner Monologue: I’ve been in college for about 35 hours.
Inner Monologue: And... wow.

(I really liked Jon Hickman’s approach on The Nightly News. So I kinda want to approach the marriage of pictures and words the way he did. It’s going to eventually turn into something playfully mocking, while honoring the way he lays words on top of pictures.)

Page 2--
Panel 1: Inside shot of restaurant they’re in. Profile shot of Chris and girl, Liz, talking. They’re sitting at a small two person table and there’s a lively background. it’s a really relaxed atmosphere. It looks like the kind of place people would want to hang out in. There’s dimmed lighting. Her face should be covered the entire conversation. Drink trays. Back packs on passerby’s. Anything. Get creative, but don’t get ridiculous.

Liz: No. Pulp Fiction is everyone’s favorite Quentin Tarantino movie
if they haven’t seen a second Quentin Tarantino movie. That’s no way the best one though...

Chris: You didn’t like Pulp Fiction?
Liz: Of course I liked it! But that’s the movie you see when you’re 12 and you first hear of Tarantino. It’s not his best one. Not by a long shot.
Chris: If you say Jackie Brown I’m walking away.

Panel 2: Small, small inset panel just showing her beautiful smile, her teeth are open to show she’s talking. Million-watt smile. Full lips, straight, white teeth, a little mole, or a dimple on the right or left side. Something unique.

Liz: Jackie Brown.

Panel 3: Back to the normal format established in panel 1 of the page. The profile shot of the two of them in the first panel. There should be some different thing blocking her face so it looks like time is passing by. Her face doesn’t have to be completely covered, but definitely mostly covered.

Liz: No. It’s not. But I knew you weren’t going to leave.
Chris: Why do you say that?
Liz: Because I knew you REALLY wanted to sit and hear me babble about Death Proof...

Page 3--
Panel 1: Zoomed out depiction of panels 3-4 of page 1; the same posturing. Has same sort of magic in his eyes. Chris is sitting down with his arms crossed and elbows on the table and he’s looking across at her, Elizabeth. Unfortunately for the reader, I don’t want them to see her yet. I think a waiter is storming by in front of them, off to the right of Elizabeth, but the way they’re holding a circular trey effectively blocks her face. All we can see is her body. She’s dressed sort of unconventionally, but she is undeniably attractive.

Chris: So... what are you studying here when you’re not watching movies?
Liz: Why does it always lead to that? Majors. Every time.
Chris: It’s kinda why we’re here
Liz: Do you really believe that?
Chris: Yeah. Most of the time.
Liz: You don’t ever think it’s for something else?
Chris: Not really... Do you?
Cook (off panel): 42! Elizabeth?
Liz: Well sometimes...

Series of panels showing Liz excusing herself from the table. Could be three parts, could be two, however you want to to do it. The most important thing though, is to keep her face hidden! I don’t want her face seen until issue 3. Her body language needs to be coy. It’s this little interaction that keeps her in Chris’ head for so long. She needs to be mysterious and drawing. Her body is curvy but oddly angular. I had this image of her wearing a tank top with dark pants and an unbuttoned plaid shirt with a backwards white hat.

Last panel of page 3: I want it to be the same size as the first panel where they’re talking, but if you feel like you need to bring it up to a full page shot, go right ahead, I think that might make the first panel easier to handle. She’s walking away and stepping on top/over a couch or a table or something akin to that. it’s important that while she’s doing that she’s physically taking the order from the cook.

Liz: ... I think we’re here to walk over furniture.
Liz: Thank you (to the person handing her the food)
Liz: I’ll see you around, Chris

Inner Monologue: ‘(We like her too.)’

[Wo-Nellie]

Hi gloftus, and welcome aboard.
The only really weak points I see here are an unusual communication style: "straight-on shot of protagonist" "He looks real".
Your artist may not be able to understand exactly what you are trying to convey, so a few specific choice words added to your descriptions wouldn't hurt.

[jmoormann]

So I am brand new. But I really like the flow of this. I have no prefessional credentials, but I devour graphic novels and comics as if starved. Wish I had a talented penciling bone in my body. I can really see this.

[someone_somewhere]

I like it because it has some interesting ideas for panels.
I especially like the introduction panel (pg1panel1), its so simple you think somebody would have done it before

[Bristclaire]

It's got a fun, quirky vibe to it, and you've obviously thought out the visual structure of it. The attitude of it reminds me of the way Bryan Lee O'Malley writes Scott Pilgrim - but I haven't read The Nightly News, so if you're borrowing more from Hickman, I'm using the wrong frame of reference. :P

I'd recommend that you keep four things in mind:

1) Indulge in the quirky. College is a weird, weird place during that Freshman year, and I think you can really do it justice with this approach; if you ride that fine line between absurd and realistic, it'll pay dividends for both the characters and the story.

2) I like that you're being flexible in your descriptions for the artist. It's a team effort, and keeping the artist's storytelling approach in mind means the difference between good and amazing.

3) Say the dialogue out loud. You may sound crazy to your roommates / parents / girlfriend / boyfriend / dog / cat / hamster / goldfish / sea monkeys / tiki torch, but what you're looking for is a sense of cogency between the character's attitudes, their speech patterns, and the dialogue itself. As a bonus, you also figure out what sounds forced and what doesn't.

4) Not everybody's favorite Tarantino film happens to be Pulp Fiction. I'm personally torn between Reservoir Dogs and Kill Bill. :P

As a bonus piece of advice, don't be afraid to break up dialogue between multiple panels. I'd personally take Page 3's first panel, cut the exchange of dialogue into several separate exchanges, and possibly stretch it all into two pages - to keep the kind of flow you've established in Pages 1 and 2.

You've got the start of something good here; go make it great.

-Brian

[ChrisMF]

The story does flow really well and like the confusing tone it sets. And I mean the characters mood not the story. It’s just like it would in a new place with different surroundings and talking to new people. You get a head spinning sort of surrealism here. Like where the hell am I and is this happening to me at the same time.

You might want to tell how many panels are on a page after the page number. Like Page 1--Four Panels. I think it helps organize the page and lets the readers/artist know how long the page goes on. But this is really just personal preference because you get your ideas across.

Also think about moving Liz’s physical description up to an earlier place. We see her (as much as we ever do) way earlier than page 3 panel 1.

But good stuff, I'd like to read the rest I think it's headed in a good direction and I like the playing with images (maintaining the concealment of a character's face for three issues seems tough but I think it would be cool).

[vator69]

You have an idea in your head already and you know what you want it to look like.good job.