Senior Project Idea (Need lots of C&C!)

[The Beginner]

Hi Guys. I really need some help. I need some C&C on my story because my friend (the artist) and I (the writer) am going to do a 168 hour comic. I had an idea going, and just wanted to see if anyone else could help me make it a lot better. Thanks.

P.S.: I have yet to come up with a story title and the protagonist's name, so if you want to throw out a couple suggestions, that would help a lot, too. Thanks again!

Basic Story Outline

A cop named (Insert Name Here) just gets hired at L.A.P.D.. A stickler to the rules, he believes he brings justice for L.A. citizens, which causes him to have a big ego.

However, because he is such a stickler to the rules, he makes himself enemies – his co-workers, bosses, L.A. citizens, and anyone else who doesn’t follow the rules. His righteousness causes him so much trouble that a gang decides to rob his apartment.

When he gets to his studio, he becomes furious. He feels that no one understands that justice should be upheld in society and that everyone around him is limiting him from accomplishing his goal. He then decides to don another identity – (Insert Superhero Name Here).

Starting off in his mom’s basement, he furnishes and equips his hideout/lair with “home-made” weapons and other equipment he needs. He also begins working on a logo for himself so that when he apprehends these “evil-doers” (thugs, robbers, etc.), both the cops and the victims will remember his work.

Then, he goes on his first adventure. After work, (Protagonist Name) goes through his daily routine; he gets a beer and then heads home. Once 10 PM hits, (Protagonist Name) puts on his superhero suit and then starts to wander the city in search of evil-doers.

He finally meets a couple of robbers at a jewelry story and immediately proceeds to stop them. He succeeds in capturing one of the robbers while the rest split. The cops come and take the robber in while (Insert Superhero Name ) goes off to get the other robbers. However, he is unsuccessful and calls it a day.

Actual Script

Panel #1: It’s daytime in L.A. (like 9 PM). Some guy (Roland) walks out of a building (school) to a parking lot.

Narrator/ Protagonist: Some days, I wish I was doing something else.

Note: Put this in a narrator box, since protagonist isn’t on scene.



Panel #2: The guy reaches his car (Red Mitsubishi Eclipse) and gets in.

Narrator/ Protagonist: I never thought it would be like this.

Note: Again, put this in a narrator box.



Panel #3: Guy turns up the music, backs out of the parking spot, starts to drive off when a police car pulls him over. (Remember to put the Mathias [dude on motorbike] in background)

Roland: “D*mn. What did I do now?!”



Panel #4: Both cars pull over and stop. The police officer gets out of the car and walks up to the driver’s window.

Protagonist: “Driver’s license and registration.”

Narrator: My name is (Insert Name Here). I am L.A.’s most hated cop.

Note: I was thinking that this scene should be drawn as though we were looking at (Insert Name Here) through the driver’s window.



Panel #5: Driver hands police officer license and registration.

Roland: “So, what did I get pulled over for, Officer?”




Panel #6: Police Officer looks over at Driver while writing ticket. Then he hands it to him.

Protagonist: “You were playing your music too loudly. I could hear you more than 15 ft. away. You also have the wrong registration. You’d better show up to court.”



Panel #7: Officer walks back to his car and drives off while Roland looks angry and confused at the same time.

[Wo-Nellie]

Seven panels is a fairly high panel count for that much action on a single page. Either spread it to another page, or reduce panel number (or you'll be forced to reduce each panel in size and thus weaken some of the action you've got going on).
I'd give your story and protagonist some name so you have something to call it and him, otherwise you'll confuse the artist about the where, why and whom. For instance "Draw the dude, no no the other dude next to the other unnamed guy." You can always change it later, but it'll add some clarity for the time being. A trick is to give the character a mis-spelled or unusual enough name that the spell-check highlights it red, then when you find the name you do want to use instead you can just go through with spell-check and easily find all those "error" names.
You can get rid of alot of those Notations by simply using the word Caption, and if you want to be specific about who the narrator is just put Protagonist Caption or Protag CAP.
Final point I should make is that this protagonist doesn't really feel like a super-hero. And I don't mean he hasn't shown any super-abilities. I mean I think it would be more accurate to call him a vigilante. He deludes himself by thinking he has lofty goals, but it seems his motivation is all self-centered. He does things because he sees himself as the star. He does it because his apartment got ransacked. He just doesn't come off as very heroic in this first stage, but that's fine if you want to show the collapse of this character, or if you want to put him through trials that help him grow as a person and thus become heroic.

[The Beginner]

Thanks for the info. I did that. This is the edited version.

Chapter 1: The Beginning to an End

Page 1:

Panel #1: It’s daytime in L.A. (like 9 PM). Some guy (Roland) walks out of a building (school) to a parking lot.

Protagonist Caption: Some days, I wish I was doing something else.

Panel #2: The guy reaches his car (Red Mitsubishi Eclipse) and gets in.

Protagonist Caption: I never thought it would be like this.

Panel #3: Guy turns up the music, backs out of the parking spot, starts to drive off when a police aide golf cart pulls him over. (Remember to put the Mathias [dude on motorbike] in background)

Roland: “D*mn. What did I do now?!”


Page 2 (Splash Page):

Panel #1: Both cars pull over and stop. The police aide gets out of his golf-cart and walks up to the driver’s window.

Protagonist: “Driver’s license and registration.”

Protagonist Caption: My name is Officer Clumsy. I am Los Angeles City College’s (LACC) most hated cop.

Note: I was thinking that this scene should be drawn as though we were looking at Clumsy through the driver’s window. This will also be the credits page.


Page 3:

Panel #1: Roland hands Clumsy license and registration.

Roland: “So, what did I get pulled over for, Officer?”

Panel #2: Clumsy looks over at Roland while writing ticket. Then he hands it to him.

Protagonist: “You were playing your music too loudly. I could hear you more than 15 ft. away. You also have the wrong registration. I recommend that you show up to court.”

Panel #3: Clumsy walks back to his golf cart and drives off, leaving Roland angry and confused at the same time.

Protagonist Caption: It’s days like these that I wonder to myself why I even got this job.


Page 4:

Panel #1: Clumsy driving around LACC campus in the Police Aide Golf Cart

Protagonist Caption: My job is quite simple. Look out for trouble from college kids and write my reports.

Panel #2: Clumsy eating a hot dog near hot dog stand and golf cart, looking around for more trouble.

Protagonist Caption: There aren’t too many quirks, except eating hot dogs for free.

Panel #3: Clumsy at office writing reports. Clock in background says 8 PM

Protagonist Caption: At the end of the day, I file out my reports and go home.

Panel #4: Clumsy at his locker changing from his uniform to his regular clothes.

Protagonist Caption: It couldn’t get much worse than this. Low pay, long hours and overtime, and being around people that hate you.


Page 5:

Panel #1: Clumsy walking up steps to his apartment/ studio.

Protagonist Caption: At the end of the day, home is all I have left.

Panel #2: Clumsy waves at neighbors, who don’t wave back.

Panel #3: The neighbors ignore Clumsy and go inside their apartment while Clumsy looks dejected and tired.

Panel #4: Clumsy opens the door to his apartment.

Protagonist Caption: I didn’t think life would get any worse than this…

Panel #5: Clumsy opens the door to find his home has been robbed.

Protagonist Caption: …or at least that’s what I thought.

Protagonist: “Ah sh*t!”

Page 6:

Panel #1: Clumsy looks around for a quick moment

Panel #2: Clumsy pulls out cell-phone and calls the cops.

Protagonist Caption: As my training had instructed me to do, I immediately call for backup. I guess it helps to know people in the L.A.P.D…

Protagonist: “Hello? Hey Julie. Yeah...it’s me. My apartment got robbed. 15 minutes? Thanks.”

Panel #3: Clumsy looks around before heading towards his room.

Panel #4: Clumsy has a look of anger on his face.

Panel #5: Clumsy’s room is trashed.

Panel #6: Clumsy’s eyes shoot to the corner of his room.

Panel #7: Clumsy’s sock drawer empty.

Page 7:

Panel #1: Clumsy punches the wall.

Protagonist: “God D*mn it! They took the sock drawer! All those socks…”

Panel #2 (Flashback): The scene is the sock drawer again, but its starting to fade out.

Panel #3(Flashback): Clumsy as a child sitting on his grandfather’s lap looking at socks.

Clumsy’s Grandfather: Look here Clumsy. This is a pair of Abe Lincoln’s socks!

Protagonist: Wow Grandpa! Who would’ve knew that I saw Abe Lincoln’s socks!


Panel #4 (Flashback): Clumsy and Grandfather smiling at each other with sock drawer in their hands

Protagonist Caption: The most valuable thing in my house – my sock drawer – was taken.

Panel #4: Clumsy looks away from socks as if he hears something

Panel #6: Clumsy runs towards door to find cops waiting for him:

Panel #7: Clumsy and 2 LAPD Officers talking at the front door.

Protagonist: “Well guys…do your report. I’m here to answer any questions you have.”

Officer #1: “Alright. This should be pretty quick. After all, you’re a cop, too. This should move smoothly.”

Protagonist Caption: Whoever did this is going to pay…

End of Chapter 1

Chapter 2: The Base

Page 8:

Narrator Caption: A Few Hours Later…

Panel #1: One cop leaves through the door with Clumsy saying “Goodbye” to the other.

Panel #2: Other officer talks with Clumsy

Officer #1: “Well, we’ve recorded the damage, written up the report, and will turn in some stuff to your insurance companies to consolidate you for your losses. I’m sure you know the procedures. Good night.”

Protagonist: “Good night.”

Panel #3: Clumsy closes the door to his apartment.

Page 9:

Panel #1: Clumsy is sitting in chair facing a wall looking angry and confused

Protagonist: “D*mn it to hell! What am I going to do?!

Panel #2: Clumsy looks at his poster that got ripped. The poster is a “WW(Batman symbol)D?” (What Would Batman Do?)

Protagonist: “What would Batman do?”

Protagonist Caption: I know what Batman would do. He would take these guys on and kick some a**…

Panel #3: Clumsy has a light bulb above his head and his eyes are wide. His mouth creases slightly and his hand rubs his chin while the other hand shows a finger-snap.

Protagonist: “My God…I know what I have to do…”

Protagonist Caption: That’s right, folks! This is how I became a superhero!






Page 10 (Splash Page):

Panel #1: Clumsy immediately begins writing and drawing out plans and ideas for his crazy idea.

Protagonist Caption: With the craziest idea in my head, Batman showed me one of the hardest rules of life: Take matters into your own hands.

Page 11

Narrator Caption: The Next Day…

Panel #1: Clumsy is in his golf-cart in the parking lot, writing on his notepad. His notepad has places where his hideout could be. (In the background, a girl without a seatbelt is about to leave the parking lot)

Panel #2: Clumsy sees this. (Close up on eye, eye is on the left of the panel)

Panel #3: Close up on siren (Little Light thingy that Police Cars have)

Panel #4: Clumsy speaks through the loud-speaker.

Protagonist: “Pull over.”

Page 12:

Panel #1: Both cars pull over.

Panel #2: Clumsy is next to the girl. Her car window is down.

Protagonist: “Do you know what this is for?”

Panel #3: Close up on girl’s face.

Girl: “No. What did I do?”

Panel #4: Like Panel #1, but Clumsy is pointing to seat belt thingy and has his notepad/ ticket issuance thing out.

Protagonist: “You’re not wearing your seat belt. Did you know that’s an infraction and you have to pay a $100 fine?”




Panel #5: Girl looks horrified.

Girl: “No! Look, I was in a hurry to get to my house to take care of my sick brother. Please let me slide this one time…”

Panel #6: Clumsy looks unsatisfied, but puts away his ticket thing.

Protagonist Caption: I have better things to do than deal with this…

Protagonist: “Alright. Take care of your little brother. But put your seat belt on first.

Panel #7: Girl straps on seatbelt.

Girl: “I will. Thank you so much.”

Panel #8: Girl drives off, and Clumsy is looking at the car

Protagonist Caption: Time to get back to work…

Page 13:

Panel #1: Clumsy sitting in office with regular clothes on, still with notepad with places of where his hideout should be.

Protagonist Caption: I didn’t think it would be this hard to find a hideout. Too bad I don’t have a BatCave…

Panel #2: Close-up of notepad reveals list of places (Apartment [Crossed Out]; Public Storage; Abandoned Carpet Warehouse; Upstairs Attic to Apartment; Grandma’s Basement, etc)

Panel #3: Clumsy eyes widen and he smirks:

Page 14:

Panel #4: Close up of notepad again, this time with Grandma’s Basement circle

Panel #5: Clumsy stands up with coat in hand.

Panel #6: Clumsy walks out the office door.

Protagonist Caption: It’s time to pay Grandma a visit…

So that's what I've gotten to so far. Again, C&C is always welcome.

By the way, this protagonist is meant not to feel like a super-hero, or at least not at first. He is meant to be an idiot who tries to be a super-hero and will eventually learn how to be one at the end of the story. The collapse of his original self into his new self is the ideal goal of this comic. However, I do need trials in order to make him a superhero. Thank you Wo-Nellie fo the C&C. I hope other people will make more comments on my work. Thanks again.

[Wo-Nellie]

You're welcome Beginner. I've edited scripts professionally, where I go much further in-depth than anything I've done here, but since I'm not doing it for work, just to lend a hand, I'll point out a thing or two with each pass.
I like how you've taken my advice in a few areas and it's helped.
On this read-through I'll mention that specificity and brevity can really help a script.
Instead of: It’s daytime in L.A. (like 9 PM). Some guy (Roland) walks out of a building (school) to a parking lot.
Try: L.A. Daytime 9 PM. Roland walks out of a school to a parking lot.

[The Beginner]

Ok. Here' the updated version. I finished 2 chapters and wanted C&C. Thanks again.

The Aide

Chapter 1: The Beginning to an End

Page 1:

Panel #1: L.A. Daytime 9 AM. Roland walks out of school to a parking lot.

Protagonist Caption: Some days, I wish I was doing something else.

Panel #2: Roland reaches his Red Mitsubishi Eclipse and opens the door.

Protagonist Caption: I never thought it would be like this.

Panel #3: Roland turns up the music, backs out of the parking spot, starts to drive off when a police aide golf cart pulls him over. (Remember to put the Mathias [dude on motorbike] in background)

Roland: “D*mn. What did I do now?!”

Page 2 (Splash Page):

Panel #1: Both cars pull over and stop. The police aide gets out of his golf-cart and walks up to the driver’s window.

Protagonist: “Driver’s license and registration.”

Protagonist Caption: My name is Officer Clumsy. I am Los Angeles City College’s (LACC) most hated cop.

Note: I was thinking that this scene should be drawn as though we were looking at Clumsy through the driver’s window. This will also be the credits page.

Page 3:

Panel #1: Roland hands Clumsy license and registration.

Roland: “So, what did I get pulled over for, Officer?”

Panel #2: Clumsy looks over at Roland and hands him a ticket.

Protagonist: “You were playing your music too loudly. I could hear you more than 15 ft. away. You also have the wrong registration. I recommend that you show up to court.”

Panel #3: Clumsy drives off in golf cart. Roland is angry in background.

Protagonist Caption: It’s days like these that I wonder to myself why I even got this job.

Page 4:

Panel #1: Clumsy driving around LACC campus in the Police Aide Golf Cart

Protagonist Caption: My job is quite simple. Look out for trouble from college kids and write my reports.

Panel #2: Clumsy eating a hot dog near hot dog stand, looking around for more trouble.

Protagonist Caption: There aren’t too many quirks, except eating hot dogs for free.

Panel #3: Clumsy at office writing reports. Clock in background says 8 PM

Protagonist Caption: At the end of the day, I file out my reports and go home.

Panel #4: Clumsy at his locker changing from his uniform to his regular clothes.

Protagonist Caption: It couldn’t get much worse than this. Low pay, long hours and overtime, and being around people that hate you.

Page 5:

Panel #1: Clumsy walking up steps to his apartment/ studio.

Protagonist Caption: At the end of the day, home is all I have left.

Panel #2: Clumsy waves at neighbors, who don’t wave back. Neighbors give him funny look

Panel #3: The neighbors go inside (close door, but you can see little kid in window looking funny at Clumsy) while Clumsy looks tired.

Panel #4: Clumsy opens the door to his apartment.

Protagonist Caption: I didn’t think life would get any worse than this…

Panel #5: Clumsy opens the door. His home has been robbed (ransacked, a mess).

Protagonist Caption: …or at least that’s what I thought.

Protagonist: “Ah sh*t!”

Page 6:

Panel #1: Clumsy pulls out cell-phone and calls the cops.

Protagonist Caption: As my training had instructed me to do, I immediately call for backup. I guess it helps to know people in the L.A.P.D…

Protagonist: “Hello? Hey Julie. Yeah...it’s me. My apartment got robbed. 15 minutes? Thanks.”

Panel #2: Clumsy heads towards his room.

Panel #3: Close up on Clumsy’s face. He’s angry.

Panel #4: Clumsy’s room is trashed.

Panel #5: Close up on Clumsy’s eyes. He looks left.

Panel #6: Clumsy’s closet is open, and the mini-vault is empty.

Page 7:

Panel #1: Clumsy punches the wall.

Protagonist: “God D*mn it! They took it! They took it all…”

Panel #2 (Flashback): Close up on Clumsy’s eyes. Eyes closed. Scene fading out.

Panel #3(Flashback): Clumsy as a child sitting on his grandfather’s lap, Grandpa is holding box open for Clumsy to see.

Clumsy’s Grandfather: “Look here Clumsy. This is a pure 24 karot ring that the family has passed down from generation.”

Protagonist: “Wow Grandpa! Real gold!”

Panel #4 (Flashback): Clumsy looks at gold ring. Grandpa smiles at Clumsy. Scene fades.

Page 8:

Panel #1: Clumsy is at comic book store with Dad. Dad is holding issue of Watchmen. Both are waiting in line to get comic book signed.

Protagonist: “Who are we waiting for Dad?”

Dad: “We’re waiting on Alan Moore.”

Panel #2: Dad and Clumsy get closer in the line to the autograph table.

Protagonist: “Who’s that?”

Dad: “He’s the writer of The Watchmen. He’s very famous.”

Panel #3: Dad and Clumsy are at autograph table. Dad hands book to Alan Moore.

Dad: “Hello Mr. Moore. It’s an honor to meet you.”

Moore: “Thank you.”

Panel #4: Moore is ready to sign book.

Moore: “Anyone in particular that you want to dedicate this to?”

Panel #5: Close up on Dad’s face. Dad is looking down at Clumsy.

Panel #6: Close up on Clumsy’s face. Clumsy is looking up at Dad.

Page 9:

Panel #1: Dad looks back at Moore.

Dad: “Dedicate it to my boy Clumsy. He’s the future Watchman.”

Moore: “Can do.”

Panel #2: Close up on Clumsy’s face. He’s smiling.

Panel #3: Close up on the Watchmen. Moore’s writing says “To Clumsy, the next Watchmen. – Alan Moore”

Panel 10:

Panel #1: Clumsy’s eyes are open. He is standing in his trashed room.

Protagonist Caption: All those heirlooms…my family’s heirlooms.

Panel #2: Clumsy hears knock on door.

Panel #3: Clumsy runs towards door. Cops are waiting for him. Door is open.

Panel #4: Clumsy and 2 LAPD Officers talking at the front door.

Protagonist: “Well guys…do your report. I’m here to answer any questions you have.”

Officer #1: “This should be pretty quick. After all, you’re a cop, too.”

Protagonist Caption: Whoever did this is going to pay…

End of Chapter 1

Chapter 2: The Base

Page 11:

Narrator Caption: A Few Hours Later…

Panel #1: One cop leaves through the door. Clumsy says “Goodbye.” Other officer is still at door with Clumsy.

Panel #2: Other officer talks with Clumsy.

Officer #1: “Well, we’ve written up the report. I’m sure you know the procedures. Good night.”

Protagonist: “Good night.”

Panel #3: Clumsy closes the door to apartment.

Page 12:

Panel #1: Clumsy sits in a chair facing the wall. He’s pissed and angry.

Protagonist: “D*mn it to hell! What am I going to do?!

Panel #2: Clumsy looks at his poster on the wall. The poster is a “WW(Batman symbol)D?” (What Would Batman Do?)

Protagonist: “What would Batman do?”

Protagonist Caption: I know what Batman would do. He would take these guys on and kick some a**…

Panel #3: Clumsy has a light bulb above his head. His eyes are wide. His mouth opens and his hand a finger-snap.

Protagonist: “My God…I know what I have to do…”

Protagonist Caption: That’s right, folks! This is how I became a superhero!


Page 13 (Splash Page):

Panel #1: Clumsy writes out plans and ideas for his crazy idea.

Protagonist Caption: With the craziest idea in my head, Batman showed me one of the hardest rules of life: Take matters into your own hands.

Page 14

Narrator Caption: The Next Day…

Panel #1: Clumsy is in his golf-cart in the parking lot, writing on his notepad. His notepad has places where his hideout could be. (In the background, a girl without a seatbelt is about to leave the parking lot)

Panel #2: Clumsy sees this. (Close up on eye, eye is on the left of the panel)

Panel #3: Close up on siren (Little Light thingy that Police Cars have)

Panel #4: Clumsy speaks through the loud-speaker.

Protagonist: “Pull over.”

Page 15:

Panel #1: Both cars pull over.

Panel #2: Clumsy is next to the girl. Her car window is down.

Protagonist: “Do you know what this is for?”

Panel #3: Close up on girl’s face.

Girl: “No. What did I do?”

Panel #4: Like Panel #1, but Clumsy is pointing to seat belt thingy and has his notepad/ ticket issuance in non-pointing hand.

Protagonist: “You’re not wearing your seat belt. Did you know that’s an infraction and you have to pay a $100 fine?”

Panel #5: Girl looks horrified.

Girl: “No! Look, I was in a hurry to get to my house to take care of my sick brother. Please let me slide this one time…”

Panel #6: Clumsy looks unsatisfied. He puts away his ticket pad.

Protagonist Caption: I have better things to do than deal with this…

Protagonist: “Alright. Take care of your little brother. But put your seat belt on first.

Panel #7: Girl straps on seatbelt.

Girl: “I will. Thank you so much.”

Panel #8: Girl drives off, and Clumsy is looking at the car

Protagonist Caption: Time to get back to work…

Page 16:

Panel #1: Clumsy sits in office with regular clothes on. Notepad is open with hideout spots.

Protagonist Caption: I didn’t think it would be this hard to find a hideout. Too bad I don’t have a Bat Cave…

Panel #2: Close-up of notepad reveals list of places (Apartment [Crossed Out]; Public Storage; Abandoned Carpet Warehouse; Upstairs Attic to Apartment; Grandma’s Basement, etc)

Panel #3: Clumsy eyes widen and he smirks:

Page 17:

Panel #4: Close up of notepad again, this time with Grandma’s Basement circle

Panel #5: Clumsy stands up with coat in hand.

Panel #6: Clumsy walks out the office door.

Protagonist Caption: It’s time to pay Grandma a visit…


End of Chapter 2

Chapter 3: The Creation

Page 18:

Panel #1: LA. 8 PM. Car at front of 2 story house near outskirts of L.A. Clumsy is at the door.

Panel #2: Close up on Clumsy’s hand pushes doorbell.

Panel #3: Door to house remains closed. Clumsy is still standing outside.

Grandma: “Who’s there?”

Protagonist: “It’s me, Grandma.”

Panel #4: Door to house is open. Grandma and Clumsy hug.

Grandma: “Oh Clumsy. I missed you.”

Protagonist: “Me, too, Grandma. Me, too.”

Panel #5: Grandma and Clumsy are in hallway. Front door is closed.

Grandma: “So, what brings you here?”

Protagonist: “I need a favor, Grandma. Can I rent the basement again?”

Panel #6: Grandma and Clumsy reach kitchen. Clumsy is near kitchen counter as Grandma opens cabinet.

Grandma: “Of course you can. But I thought your apartment was closer to work.”

Protagonist: “Yeah…I thought Mom told you about my situation.”

Panel #7: Grandma is pouring tea into cup.

Grandma: “I know…it’s a shame that the cops couldn’t catch the thieves who ransacked your apartment.”

Protagonist: “I wish I was there to stop them.”

Panel #8: Grandma and Clumsy in kitchen drinking tea standing up.

Grandma: “Well, you can rent the basement again. Stay as long as you like.”

Protagonist: “I will Grandma. I will…”

Page 19:

Panel #1: Daytime. 10 AM. Clumsy is in basement. Basement door open. Boxes lying around. Clumsy has broom cleaning.

Panel #2: Clumsy reaches a big contraption covered in a tarp.

Panel #3: Clumsy begins to lift the tarp to look at the mysterious object.

Sidekick: “STOP!”

Panel #4: Sidekick is standing at the bottom of stairs in basement.

Sidekick: “Don’t touch it.”

Panel #5: Clumsy looks at Sidekick.

Protagonist: “Who the heck are you?”

Panel #6: Sidekick is in fighting stance.

Sidekick: “Grandma! There’s an intruder in the house. Call 9-1-1!”

Panel #7: Clumsy puts his hands up and looks irritated.

Protagonist: “Look kid. I live here now.”

Panel #8: Grandma walking down steps to basement. Sidekick and Clumsy look at.

Grandma: “Oh. You’re here Sidekick. Meet my other grandson Clumsy. Clumsy, meet Sidekick.”

Protagonist: “Who is this kid?”

Sidekick: “I could say the same, jerk.”

Page 20:

Panel #1: Grandma, Sidekick, and Clumsy all in basement.

Grandma: “Now Sidekick, watch your manners. Clumsy, this is the neighbor’s son Sidekick. His parents work all day, so I watch him in the afternoon.”
Protagonist: “I see. Nice to meet you Sidekick.”

Sidekick: “…”

Panel #2: Same as Panel #1. Different speech bubbles.

Grandma: “Well, I’ll leave you two to get acquainted.”

Protagonist: “Ok Grandma. See you later.”

Sidekick: “Bye Grandma.”

Panel #3: Grandma exits basement. Protagonist and Sidekick have stare down.

Protagonist: “So what’s under the sheet?”

Sidekick: “Let’s get things straight. 1) Don’t touch or peek under the sheet. 2) This room is mine. 3) Don’t touch the boxes.

Panel #4: Protagonist looks at Sidekick funny.

Protagonist: “I live here now. I’m going to do what I want. Go play somewhere else.”

Sidekick: “I’m going to warn you. Don’t touch my stuff. You can have this half of the room.”

Panel #5: Sidekick points his finger at dirty side of room. Clumsy shakes his head.

Protagonist: “No. I just swept this side of the room.”

Sidekick: “If you don’t, I’ll tell Grandma that you were trying to hurt me.”

Panel #6: Clumsy sighs and gives up.

Protagonist: “Fine. I’ll live on this side of the room. What’s so important in the boxes anyways?”

Sidekick: “None of your concern. I’ll know when you touch the boxes. Final warning.”

Panel #7: Sidekick leaves. Clumsy is left to sweep other side of basement.

Protagonist: “Man, that kid is annoying. Where does Grandma find these kids?”

Panel #8: Clumsy sweeps away.

Page 21:

Panel #1: Night time. 10PM. Clumsy sitting next to desk in basement. Small lamp brightens room. TV is on.

Panel #2: Overhead view. Close up of papers on desk. Papers are drawings of costume

Panel #3: Clumsy working on costume while listening to TV.

TV: In the news this morning, a military nuclear power plant…

Protagonist Caption: It’s been 2 weeks since the robbery.

Panel #4: Close up on Clumsy’s paper. Half finished drawing of costume.

Protagonist Caption: I’ve been listening to the TV for any sign of violence near the area.

Panel #5: Same as Panel #4, except costume is almost done.

Protagonist Caption: The hardest part is making a costume…

Panel #6: Same as Panel #4, but has finished costume.

Protagonist Caption: …and a logo.

Panel #7: Clumsy throws crumpled paper in wastebasket.

Protagonist: “Damn. Only if I had something to look to…”

Panel #8: TV is still on, and Clumsy looks at TV.

Protagonist: “Maybe I just need to relax. Hopefully, it’ll come to me.”

Panel #9: TV set shows Swiss Army Knife commercial

TV: Ever wanted a tool that could do it all and more? Why not buy a Swiss Army Knife today!

Page 22:

Panel #1: Clumsy’s eyes get wider looking at TV screen. He likes Swiss Army Knife logo.

Panel #2: TV shows Swiss Army Knife logo

TV: Buy one today!

Panel #3: Clumsy turns back to desk and starts scribbling

Panel #4: Overhead view. Clumsy draws his logo on the paper (+).

Panel #5: Clumsy continues to draw costume.

Panel #6: Clumsy finishes. He’s standing up with piece of paper in the air.

Protagonist: “Yes! I’ve got it!”


Page 23 (Splash Page):

Panel #1: The finished costume and logo.

Page 24:

Panel #1: Clumsy looks at paper

Protagonist: “Now all I have to do is get the stuff.”

Panel #2: Clumsy puts piece of paper on desk.

Panel #3: Clumsy goes to sleep.

End of Chapter 3

Chapter 4: The Villains

Page 25:

Panel #1: TV fuzzy screen.

Panel #2: (Page 21, Panel #3 follow up) News reporter shows up. Background is power plant on fire. Texas.

Reporter: “In Texas this morning, a military nuclear power plant exploded.”

Panel #3: Close-up on power plant in flames.

Reporter: “No statements have been made by the military about the accident. There is a statement from local health officials that the air is no contaminated and the accident has been contained. This concludes my report. Williams signing off.”

Panel #4: News reporter and cameraman standing near gate of power plant. TV Station van nearby.

Cameraman: “… and we’re off.”

Reporter: “Finally. I thought we wouldn’t ever get out of here.”

Panel #5: Van drives off with power plant in background. In background there should be a shack.

Page 26:

Panel #1: Close-up on shack. Door is open.

Panel #2: Three guys bandaged up (hands, arms and head). Fresh clothes, military standard. Med-kit is lying on table open with rolls of gauze finished. Scissors next to Med-kit. Next to Med-Kit is big, long case.

Panel #3: Three guys talking.

Guy #1: “Anybody want to talk about what happened in there?”

Guy #2: “You know what happened in there. We got screwed.”

Guy #3: “We still don’t know if we’re contaminated or not. Let’s just hope the case holds the item we need.”
Panel #4: Night time. Nuclear Power Plant. Hallway. Three guys inside with black jump suits and backpacks.

Guy #1: “Ok. It’s clear. Let’s move.”

Panel #5: Three guys next to big door. Guy #2 swipes key card next to door.

Panel #6: Close up on key card panel. It says “Accepted.”

Page 27:

Panel #1: Three guys in laboratory.

Guy #1: “Keep your eyes on the prize.”

Panel #2: Three guys split up.

Panel #3: Guy #1 goes to computer. Guy #2 goes towards center room. Guy #3 moves toward cabinets.

Panel #4: Guy #2 is in center of room. There is small sphere floating in center of round table/ experiment area.

Guy #2: “Hey guys. What’s this?”

Panel #5: Guy #2 reaches towards floating sphere.

Panel #6: Guy #2 touches sphere while Guy #1 runs towards Guy #2.

Guy #1: “Don’t touch it!”

Page 28:

Panel #1: Explosion happens inside lab.

Panel #2: Fire everywhere inside lab. Guy #3 has Guy #1 & Guy #2 on his shoulders. Guy #3 has long case strapped on his back.

Panel #3: Three guys are silhouettes in burning fire.

Page 29:

Panel #1: Shack again. Three guys looking at each other.

Guy #3: “Well, we should check it, shouldn’t we?”

Guy #1: “Yeah. I’ll do it.”

Panel #2: Guy #1 starts to open box, but Guy #2 holds his hand up

Guy #2: “Wait!”

Panel #3: Close up on Guy #2’s hand. It is now on fire.

Panel #4: Guy #3 immediately runs to get fire extinguisher while Guy #1 stops, drops and rolls. Fire is on Guy #1’s sleeve.

Guy #2: “Holy sh*t!”

Panel #5: Guy #3 has fire extinguisher. Guy #1’s sleeve isn’t on fire anymore. Guy #2’s hand is still on fire.

Guy #2: “Woah…that was cool.”

Panel #6: Guy #3 and Guy #1 look at Guy #2 experiment with fire.

Guy #1: “How did you do that?”

Guy #3: “Can you control it?”

Guy #2: “Yeah…I’m like the Human Torch!”

Page 30:

Panel #1: Guy #2 shuts his eyes and makes fists. Veins in Guy #2’s forehead is bulging. Guy #1 and Guy #3 stare.

Guy #1: “What are you doing?”

Guy #3: “Shh…I think he’s trying to see if he can make his whole body on fire.”

Panel #2: Guy #2’s eyes open. He relaxes, and Guy #1 and #3 are still staring.

Guy #2: “Seems like it’s just the hands.”

Guy #3: “That may be useful later.”

Guy #1: “Can we just open the box?”

Guy #3: “Go ahead.”

Panel #3: Box is open. Inside is a large flame thrower.

Panel #4: Guys look at each other. Box is open in middle of table.

Guy #2: “Don’t look at me. I don’t need it.”

Guy #3: “I can’t carry it. What the hell is that thing?!”

Guy #1: “It’s a flame thrower. And don’t worry. I’ll carry it.”

Guy #3: “But what the hell are we going to do with the thing?”

Panel #5: Background=black.

Page 31 (Splash Page):

Panel #1: Guys are fully equipped. Guy #2’s hands are burning. Guy #1 has equipped the flame thrower. Guy #3 is in front of the two.

Caption: One hour later

Guy #3: “It’s show time. ”

End of Chapter 4

[Wo-Nellie]

Impeccable spelling, except for one all too common mistake.

Clumsy’s Grandfather: “Look here Clumsy. This is a pure 24 karot ring that the family has passed down from generation.”

First off, there's no such word.
But you are close.
I say it's an all too common mistake, because often times even when the word is spelled correctly people still get the wrong word. Please see the confusion below:

karat: a unit for measuring the fineness of gold.
carat: a unit of weight in gemstones.
carrot: a plant, Daucus carota, of the parsley family.
caret: a mark (‸) made in written or printed matter to show the place where something is to be inserted.

Well obviously the word you want is karat, but beware of the confusing alternatives, especially between carat and karat, because not even every dictionary will catch the difference.

[The Beginner]

Here's the latest stuff. C&C is always welcome! 4-10-09

Chapter 5: The First Trial

Page 32:

Panel #1: Clumsy at work. In office working on reports.

Protagonist Caption: Once a superhero has a costume in mind, he or she has to make it.

Panel #2: Clumsy stands up and looks around. Nobody is in the office.

Protagonist Caption: As a child, I always wondered how superheroes got their costumes.

Panel #3: Clumsy walks to the Storage Room.

Protagonist Caption: Some had them made by a professional costume maker or made the costume themselves.

Panel #4: Clumsy stands in front of Storage Room door and sighs.

Protagonist Caption: But other superheroes used “different” methods to get their costumes.

Panel #5: Close up on Clumsy’s hand turning door handle.

Panel #6: Clumsy’s Boss, Officer Chow walks into office.

Chow: “What are you doing Clumsy? You know you don’t have any business going in there.”

Page 33:

Panel #1: Clumsy immediately turns around. He smiles. Clumsy has sweaty palms and is sweating slightly.

Protagonist: “I know. I was just closing the door because it was open.”

Panel #2: Chow waves his hand to tell Clumsy to follow him.

Chow: “Thanks. Come with me Clumsy. There’s something I need to talk to you about.”

Panel #3: Clumsy nods his head and follows Chow into the boss’s office.

Panel #4: Chow and Clumsy sitting down in office.

Chow: “If you hadn’t noticed Clumsy, students are not writing many complaints about you lately.”

Protagonist: “Yes, sir. It feels good to know that.”

Panel #5: Chow looks out the window.

Chow: “You know, not many people liked you at first. But that’s changing for the better.”

Protagonist: “Uh…thanks, sir.”

Panel #6: Chow looks at Protagonist.

Chow: “Keep up the good work. There might be something better down the road if you continue doing well.”

Protagonist: “Yes sir. Thank you, sir.”

Panel #7: Chow waves his hand at Protagonist, telling him to leave.

Chow: “Now, get out. I have work to do.”

Panel #8: Protagonist closes his boss’s door and sighs in relief.

Protagonist Caption: That was close. Now…back to business.

Page 34:

Panel #1: Clumsy starts to walk towards Storage Room.

Panel #2: Clumsy reaches Storage Room door. His head is turned to see Boss’s Office

Panel #3: The boss’s office blinds are up.

Panel #4: Clumsy opens Storage Room door and turns on light.

Panel #5: Storage Room shows guns, tasers, and all Police Aide equipment.

Panel #6: Clumsy smiles and closes door.

Protagonist: “Just what I needed. Police equipment.”



Page 35:

Panel #1: Clumsy outside Storage Room and in office with big brown box.

Panel #2: Clumsy looks at Boss’s Office to see lights off.

Panel #3: Clumsy smiles and walks back to his office.

Panel #4: Clumsy cleans up and takes big brown box to the office door.

Panel #5: Clumsy turns off the light and closes door, smiling all the way out.

Page 36:

Panel #1: Clumsy is back at Grandma’s basement. He has costume all laid out.

Protagonist Caption: The costume was staring me down. It was now or never.

Panel #2: Clumsy begins to put it on.

Panel #3: Clumsy is fully suited. He doesn’t have taser though. He has a short baton stick as a weapon.

Protagonist: “Let’s go kick some a**!”

Page 37:

Panel #1: Clumsy is roaming streets of L.A. His car is nearby.

Panel #2: He sees a robbery taking place at jewelry store.

Panel #3: Clumsy runs towards jewelry store as 3 robbers are coming out.

Panel #4: Robbers see Clumsy and look at each other.

Thief #1: “Look. It’s another one of those masked vigilante people.”

Thief #2: “Well, what should we do?”

Thief #3: “This guy looks like an idiot. Let’s scram.”

Panel #5: Robbers starting running away from scene. Clumsy follows. Clumsy’s hand is reaching for his utility belt.

Clumsy: “Stop!”

Panel #6: Robbers see their getaway car. Clumsy throws flash-bang.

Panel #7: Flash bang in action. Glimpse of robbers dropping onto floor.

Panel #8: Robbers rubbing eyes. Clumsy reaches robbers.

Page 38:

Panel #1: Clumsy punches Robber #1 in chin, with Robber #2 running straight at Clumsy. Robber #3 is still on ground rubbing his eyes.

Panel #2: Robber #1 goes down. Clumsy falls to side with Robber #2 on top. Robber #3 gets up.

Panel #3: Robber #2 punches Clumsy in face. Robber #3 kicks Clumsy. Clumsy’s hands are flailing in air.

Panel #4: Sirens are heard and three robbers get into getaway car and drive off.

Panel #5: Close up on Clumsy’s face. It’s bruised up and blood is spilling from nose and lip.

Panel #6: Clumsy in dark alley, hobbling away as cops arrive at crime scene.

Page 39:

Panel #1: Clumsy sitting on bed in Grandma’s basement. Costume is lying in box.

Protagonist: “Stupid idea! I knew I shouldn’t have taken that stuff. What in the hell was I thinking?”

Panel #2: Clumsy puts box in closet.

Panel #3: Clumsy is in bed sniffling.

Protagonist: “Stupid idea…”

Panel #4: Close up of corner in room. Camera is hidden. Lens has little sparkle.

End of Chapter 5

Chapter 6: Getting Back on the Horse

Page 40:

Panel #1: Clumsy at work. He’s in golf cart driving around campus. Bruises are still on face. Cuts are covered up.

Protagonist: “D*mn…what was I thinking?! I should’ve been more prepared. Maybe have this cart around…”

Panel #2: Clumsy is walking door to office. His golf cart is parked next to another cart.

Panel #3: Inside office. Clumsy walks towards his cubicle. People stare and whisper.

Panel #4: In cubicle, Clumsy can’t concentrate. Keeps tapping pencil.

Protagonist: “Man…I need some fresh air.”

Panel #5: Boss yells across the room.

Chow: “Clumsy! Get you’re a** in here, pronto!”

Panel #6: Clumsy nods. Looks depressed as he walks towards Boss’s office.

Panel #7: Inside boss’s office, Boss looks at Clumsy directly.

Chow: “Do you know why you’re here?”

Protagonist: “No, sir.”

Panel #8: Clumsy looks Boss directly in eye. Clumsy’s hands are a bit sweaty and behind his back.

Chow: “Do you know we have missing equipment? And why do you look like hell?”

Protagonist: “I didn’t know that, sir. And I had a bad fall down the stairs.”

Panel #9: Chow looks at Clumsy again with a mean stare.

Chow: “Alright. Take the day off. Heal up. You’ve been doing well. You deserve it.”

Protagonist: “Yes, sir. Thank you, sir.”
Page 41:

Panel #1: Outside closed door in boss’s office, Clumsy sighs.

Protagonist Caption: Damn…he knows.

Panel #2: Clumsy is at office and picks up jacket.

Panel #3: Clumsy walks out office door.

Panel #4: Clumsy is at home, watching TV on bed and still has note-pad out with superhero costume

Protagonist: “Damn…why can’t I follow through with a goal?! Why am I such an idiot and a weakling?!”

Panel #5: Knock on the basement door.

Grandma: “Open up Clumsy. I need you to watch Sidekick here for a couple of hours.”

Panel #6: Clumsy opens basement door. Notepad is under pillow.

Protagonist: “Alright. Where’s the kid.”

Sidekick: “Right here doofus.”

Panel #7: Sidekick is in room with Clumsy. Sidekick immediately starts walking towards hidden costume box.

Protagonist: “What are you doing?”

Sidekick: “You know where I’m going.”

Page 42:

Panel #1: Clumsy is in front of Sidekick with a grim face.

Protagonist: “Where are you going? I thought you said this was my side of the room.”

Sidekick: “You can’t hide things from me. I’ve got surveillance in this place.”

Panel #2: Clumsy shakes his head and looks at Sidekick as if he’s an idiot. Sidekick picks up hidden costume in from box.
Sidekick: “See? I told you.”

Protagonist: “That’s just an old Holloween costume.”

Panel #3: Sidekick then picks up the utility belt. Clusmy looks dumbfounded.

Sidekick: “And if I picked something out of this belt, there wouldn’t be any weapons?”

Protagonist: “What the hell? How did you know?”

Panel #4: Sidekick points to corner in room. Clumsy stares in awe.

Sidekick: “I told you I bugged the room. There’s my stuff in here, too.”

Protagonist: “Holy sh*t. You bugged the room! Then…”

Panel #5: Protagonist walks over to Sidekick’s side of room.

Panel #6: Protagonist bends over to touch one of Sidekick’s boxes.

Panel #7: Sidekick shakes head.

Sidekick: “I warned you not to touch it.”

Panel #8: Close up on Protagonist’s hand as he touches box. He gets big shock all over body.

Panel #9: Protagonist shakes shock off. Sidekick snickers.

Protagonist: “Ow! What the hell was that?”

Sidekick: “I warned you. That was 220 volts running through you for a quick second.

Page 43:

Panel #1: Clumsy looks at Sidekick with curiosity and awe.

Protagonist: “You really are smart. So what’s in the boxes?”

Panel #2: Sidekick smiles.

Sidekick: “Can’t tell you. Those are my old projects.”

Panel #3: Clumsy has a lightbulb over his head.
Protagonist: “There are more? Show me!”

Panel #4: Sidekick holds out a hand.

Sidekick: “Only if you promise me not to touch my stuff and be my friend.”

Panel #5: Clumsy nods and shakes Sidekick’s hand.

Protagonist: “No problem.”

Protagonist Caption: Kid must sure be lonely and anti-social.

Panel #6: Sidekick then smiles even wider.

Sidekick: “…and you have to take me on your adventures!”

Panel #7: Clumsy pulls hand away immediately. Clumsy looks horrified.

Protagonist: “You’re too young. I can’t be liable for you.”

Panel #8: Sidekick nods. He waves hand at his house.

Sidekick: “Not after you see what I have.”

Page 44:

Panel #1: Protagonist in Sidekick’s room. Out window, he can see his Basement door.

Protagonist: “So, you’ve been spying on me for all this time?”

Sidekick: “No, not spying. I’ve been worried about my latest project, so I installed the cameras awhile ago to watch my stuff while I’m gone.”

Panel #2: Sidekick goes to closet and opens door. Things look normal.

Protagonist: “So…where’s the stuff?”

Sidekick: “Wait. Jees…you sure are impatient.”

Panel #3: Protagonist looks annoyed, but shuts up. Sidekick presses button in closet. A “Click” is heard.

Panel #4: Sidekick’s closet then shows lots of weapons and gadgets.

Panel #5: Protagonist’s jaw drops. Sidekick looks very happy.

Sidekick: “All the latest creations are here.”

Page 45:

Panel #1: Protagonist begins looking, not touching.

Protagonist: “Holy smokes! How come you don’t do…well, the stuff that I do?”

Sidekick: “Are you crazy?! I’m a kid! If I get hurt, then I’m screwed! I’ve got more important stuff to do than fight crime.”

Panel #2: Protagonist then looks at Sidekick with odd eye.

Protagonist: “Then why make this stuff?”

Sidekick: “Out of curiosity. You wouldn’t know how much time I have on my hands.”

Panel #3: Protagonist looks at weapons again.

Protagonist Caption: “I bet…one smart kid. But I don’t want to use him…I’m better than that.”

Protagonist: “So then how are you going to help me?”

Panel #4: Sidekick shakes his head at protagonist like an idiot.

Sidekick: “Uh hello? I can make nearly anything. I’ll just send out a robot to take my place.”

Panel #5: Protagonist looks at Sidekick with more curiosity.

Protagonist: “You mean like androids?”

Panel #6: Sidekick smirks.

Sidekick: “Much better than that.”

Page 46:

Panel #1: (Splash page.) Robot looking exactly like Sidekick, but with Sidekick costume on. Both Sidekick and robot are in front of closet, as closet door is open. Sidekick is smiling.

Sidekick: “Meet A1, my final version of a robot clone.”

Page 47:

Panel #1: Protagonist beings to walk around Sidekick robot and touches it.

Protagonist: “Wow…how did you do it?”

Panel #2: Sidekick begins to sit at his desk and watches Protagonist.

Sidekick: “Lots of spare time and parts from the local junkyard.”

Panel #3: Protagonist looks at Sidekick.

Protagonist: “It looks so…real.”

Panel #4: Sidekick is annoyed and begins to explain.

Sidekick: “It’s a prosthetic skin. The underlying stuff is all mechanical. Don’t ask any more questions. I don’t think you’d understand.”

Panel #5: Protagonist nods and looks at Sidekick.

Protagonist: “Dude…you’re freaking smart!”

Panel #6: Sidekick and Clumsy nod at each other.

Sidekick: “I’ve heard that one before. And it’s not ‘Dude, it’s Sidekick.”

Protagonist: “Sure, sure.”

Page 48:

Panel #1: Outside Sidekick’s door, Sidekick’s mom is outside with milk and cookies.

Sidekick’s Mom: “Hey Sidekick. Are you there with Clumsy? I have milk and cookies.”

Panel #2: Sidekick immediately runs towards closet. Clusmy sits on bed.

Sidekick: “One second.”

Panel #3: Sidekick presses button in closet.

Panel #4: Closet turns back to normal.
Panel #5: Sidekick closes closet door as Clumsy opens room door.

Clusmy: “Hi Mrs. Sidekick. I don’t believe we’ve met.”

Sidekick’s Mom: “No, but Grandma and Sidekick here tell me a lot about you. You’re such a good person being a police aide.”

Panel #6: Sidekick grabs milk and cookies from Mom as Clumsy nods head.

Clumsy: “Yes, ma’am.”

Sidekick: “Hey Mom. Thanks for the milk and cookies.”

Sidekick’s Mom: “No worries. You should get started on your homework soon.”

Panel #7: Sidekick rolls his eyes and nods his head. Sidekick’s mom merely smiles.

Sidekick: “Yes Mom.”

Sidekick’s Mom: “I know you it’s easy, but just get it done. You know how it is.”

Panel #8: Room door is closed and Protagonist looks and Sidekick

Protagonist: “We have a lot to discuss.”

End of Chapter 6


Chapter 7: The Terms

Page 49:

Panel #1: Sidekick is eating milk and cookies in chair. Clumsy is sitting on bed.

Protagonist: “Ok. So, you have a robot to take your place as my partner. What’s the probability that robot is not going to work?”

Sidekick: *Snickers*

Panel #2: Clumsy looks weird at Sidekick.

Protagonist: “What? What did I say?”

Panel #3: Sidekick just smiles while eating cookies.

Sidekick: “Well, nobody has ever treated me like an equal before. You said ‘Partner.’”

Panel #4: Clumsy just smiles back.

Protagonist Caption: What a lonely kid…

Protagonist: “Ok then partner, what’s the chance your gadget screws up?”

Panel #5: Clumsy and Sidekick talking

Sidekick: “If it malfunctions, it will shut down. There is a pack up power supply and three overides. One from the chip, another by remote, and lastly, doing it manually.”

Clumsy: “Ok. You’ll have to show me how later. I’m assuming you can control this thing by remote.”

Panel #6: Sidekick’s eyes get bigger and smiles wider.

Sidekick: “Hell yes! Wanna take it for a spin?!”

Panel #7: Clumsy shrugs and shakes his head in approval.

Clumsy: “Why not? I might as well see what the thing can do.”



Page 50:

Panel #1: Robot soars through window.

Panel #2: Robot soars through sky.

Panel #3: Sidekick is wearing helmet, gloves, and boots. All have wires connected to helmet. Computer shows what’s happening in Robot’s eyes. Protagonist is just watching.

Panel #4: Robot begins going through weapons demonstration program. He brings out weapon #1 (lasers on shoulders and eyes). Demonstrates by aiming at bird.

Panel #5: Bird gets zapped and fried.

Panel #6: Robot switches to weapon #2 (mini guns on wrist that shoot rubber bullets). Demonstrates by aiming at Sidekick’s roof.

Panel #7: Robot shoots rubber bullets

Panel #8: Mini bullets dig through the roof

Panel #9: Bullets hit Clumsy. Clumsy screams.

Protagonist: “Oww! That hurt.”

Sidekick: “Oops. Sorry.”

Page 51:

Panel #1: Robot flies back through window.

Panel #2: Robot enters closet. Sidekick’s gear is off and in closet. Sidekick and Clumsy facing each other.

Protagonist: “Well, we know the standard rules. Keep it between us and things will work out.”

Sidekick: “Ok.”

Panel #3: Clumsy hands Sidekick list.

Protagonist: “While you were taking your thing for a spin, I made a list of the things I need…I was hoping that you could make them.

Panel #4: Sidekick looks at Clumsy and smiles.

Sidekick: “No problem. Thanks for stopping by.”

Panel #5: Clumsy nods his head.

Panel #6: At the front of Sidekick’s house. Clumsy about to exit. Sidekick is holding door open.

Sidekick: “Thanks for coming. You’re the first friend I’ve ever had.”

Panel #7: Clumsy looks at Sidekick and extends hand.

Protagonist: “Same here, partner.”

Panel #8: Sidekick and Clumsy shake hands.

Panel #9: Clumsy walks over to his basement door.

Protagonist Caption: I made a deal with a genius to become a crimefighter. Sweet…

Page 52:

Panel #1: LA’s Chinatown

Caption: Meanwhile…

Panel #2: Focus in on Chinese Restaurant

Panel #3: Inside, three villians in regular clothes are eating Chinese food.

Villian #1: “You guys ready?”

Villian #2: “Yep.”

Villian #3: “Hold on. Let me finish this fried rice. This stuff is delicious!”

Panel #4: First two villians groan as third villian finishes food.

Villain #1: “Ready now?”

Villian #3: “Yep.”

Panel #5: Three villians stand up.

Panel #6: Villian #2 has waitress by throat with hands on fire near waitress’s face. Villian #3 takes out big flamethower. Villian #1 is standing in between the two.

Villian #1: “Alright everybody. Don’t panic. Just give us your money and we’ll scram.”

Panel #7: Customers in line to give Villian #1 their stuff. Villian #1 is holding a trash bag. Customers are fearing for their lives.

Page 53:

Panel #1: Customers are on ground with hands above their heads. Villians smile.

Villian #1: “Thanks for doing business with us.”

Panel #2: Villian #2 throws waitress on ground.

Panel #3: Villians walk out. Villian #1 has trigger in hand.

Panel #4: Close up on hand. Villian presses button.

Panel #5: Villians smile and walk away as building blows up.

Page 54:

Panel #1: Clumsy is in the office doing more paperwork.

Panel #2: Boss comes into room.

Chow: “Everyone! Get you’re a** here pronto! Turn on the TV to channel 7!”

Panel #3: Clumsy and other police aides rush to lounge area.

Panel #4: TV is on. Woman reporter is talking.

Panel #5: Woman Reporter talking at desk.

Reporter: In headlines today. A fire at the local Yuen Woo Restaurant.

Panel #6: Burning restaurant that villians blew up. Firefighters trying to put out fire.

Reporter caption: It was cause by three men. They are deemed extremely dangerous.

Panel #7: Three villians’ face shots on screen.

Reporter caption: They are Villian #1, Villian #2, and Villian #3. They were the same people who set the nuclear plant on fire last week.

Page 55:

Panel #1: TV Reporter with three face shots in corner.

Reporter: These men are extremely dangerous. If seen, please tell the local authorities and approach with extreme caution. Thank you.

Panel #2: TV is turned off. Boss and aides are in the room.

Chow: I have to get back on active duty to patrol the streets. I’m leaving Carl in charge. Report to him when I’m gone.

Police Aid unison: “Yes sir.”

Panel #3: Everybody goes back to office.

Panel #4: Clusmy gets back to work in cubicle, but stands up.

Protagonist Caption: It’s time to go to work.

End of Chapter 7

Chapter 8: The Second Trial

Page 56:

Panel #1: Night Time. Clumsy suiting up. Sidekick is next to him with Robot and gear.

Sidekick: “You can’t go after those guys just yet. We still have to see if this works with the smaller people first.”

Protagonist: “I know. But I need to get in shape fast in order to get those guys. Crime is increasing because of them.”

Panel #2: Clumsy fully suited. Robot is next to him. Sidekick has gear on.

Sidekick: “Alright. Let’s go get them.”

Panel #3: Robot flies out. Protagonist is halfway out the door. He’s looking at Sidekick.

Protagonist: “Did you build the vehicle that I asked you to?”

Sidekick: “It’s waiting outside for a test drive. It can do 60MPH at most.”

Protagonist: “Sweet.”

Panel #4: Protagonist is outside door. Golf cart is there waiting. Robot is in air flying.

Protagonist: “This is about to kick a**”

Panel #5: Clumsy’s right hand on wheel.

Panel #6: Clumsy’s left hand shifts down shifter.

Page 57:

Panel #1: Cluster view. The shifter is in Drive. Speedometer is at 60MPH. Tachometer is at 4000 RPM.

Panel #2: Golf cart and Robot are off in the distance.

Page 58:

Panel #1: Clusmy is driving and Robot is flying. Police radio is on.

Police Radio: … 550 South Hill Street. BRIDAL RINGS. Requesting all back-up in the area.

Panel #2: Clumsy looks at Robot. Both nod heads.

Protagonist: Let’s get over there before the cops do.

Panel #3: Bridal Rings jewelry store.


Panel #4: Same three guys that robbed the jewelry store who beat up Clumsy robbing store.

Robber #1: You guys done?

Robber #2 and 3: Yep.

Panel #5: Robbers leaving the store.

Robber #1: Man. That was easy.

Robber #2: Uh…look there.

Panel #6: Robot and Clumsy standing there, armed and ready.

Page 59:

Panel #1: Robbers’ jaws drop.

Panel #2: Standstill between Robbers and Superhero duo.

Robber #1: Did we beat you up last time?

Clumsy: Get ready to face…The AIDE!

Robber #2: We’ll just beat him up like last time.

Robber #3: Get him!

Panel #2: Clumsy begins running at them. Robot gets out mini wrist guns. Robbers run at them.

Panel #3: Robot shoots.

Panel #4: 2 robbers go down. Clumsy tackles middle robber.

Page 60:

Panel #1: Clumsy on top of middle robber. Punches him.

Panel #2: Close up of middle robber. Eyes are dilated and mouth has drool. (Knock out)

Panel #3: Robot is with two other robbers. Robbers pull out guns.

Panel #4: Robot holds up hands and mist comes out (sleeping gas)

Panel #5: Two robbers drop. Robot smiles. Protagonist throws other robber with two sleeping ones.

Protagonist: Good job. That was much better than last time.

Panel #6: Police at scene. Robbers tied up. Note on top of one robber’s forehead.

Page 61:

Panel #1: Close up on note. It reads:

These are the guys who robbed the jewelry store.
-The AIDE +

Panel #2: Police scratch their head.

Police #1: Where do these guys come from?

Police #2: Who cares? At least they got the guys.

Panel #3: In Clumsy’s Basement. Clumsy is sitting down with a beer and Sidekick with a soda.

Clumsy: Good job tonight.

Sidekick: You, too.

Panel #4: Clumsy raises his beer bottle.

Clumsy: To many more better adventures and eliminating crime.

Panel #5: Clumsy and Sidekick toast.

Panel #6: Clumsy and Sidekick drink.

End of Chapter 8

[Wo-Nellie]

Hey Beginner.
Looks like you got yourself a novel going on here. That's fine and all, but it might be a little too much for the average critic to digest, especially if you're hoping to get a really good indepth critique. As I mentioned elsewhere I do script-doctor on occasion, but rarely do it at no cost. Not that I'm looking to pick up work here, I just wanted to briefly explain why I won't be doing any full line-editing here.
However, I will look over your first five updated pages and see if there's any room for improvement.

[Wo-Nellie]

Spelling and Grammar: Check.

Plot: Not addressed in first five pages. Typically a story’s motivation is addressed within the first five; doesn’t have to be but the sooner we get into the meat of the story the better.

Character: See previous comments I’ve made regarding “Clumsy”.

Secondary Characters: On page five the neighbors give “Clumsy” an odd look, but this does not seem specific enough. Your artist may get confused and draw an expression that isn’t in keeping with what you may have in mind.

[The Beginner]

Next Chapter Updates. Chapters 9 and 10. 4-13-09. C&C always welcome

Chapter 9: The Plan

Page 62:

Panel #1: Day time. LA remote area. Abandoned Warehouse. Three villains are sitting around desk with papers on it.

Panel #2: Close up of three guys talking

Villain #1: Ok. It’s about time we upgraded from small robberies to big ones.

Villain #2: Yes! Finally!

Villain #3: Don’t you think that’s a bit too soon?

Panel #3: Close up on Villain #1/ Mastermind

Villain #1: Don’t you see? If we upgrade, then we get our faces known and lots of street cred.

Panel #4: Three guys talking around the table. Villain #1 is extremely angry. Villain #3 is calm. Villain #2 is not paying attention, staring at ceiling.

Villain #3: I see…but I don’t wanna do it.

Villain #1: Why not?

Panel #5: Dialogue between Villain #1 & 3.

Villain #3: I don’t see you doing anything while me and Villain #2 rob the place.

Villain #1: Well, I don’t have powers or guns like you guys.

Page 63:

Panel #1: Villain #3 smirks. Dialogue between Villain #1 & 3 continued.

Villain #3: My thoughts exactly. Me and Villain #2 could do it by ourselves.

Villain #1: What are you trying to say?

Panel #2: Villain #3 stands up from table.

Panel #3: Villain #3 walks to suitcase near couch

Panel #4: Villain #3 holds up his flamethrower. The case is open.

Panel #5: Villain #3 aims flamethrower at Villain #1.

Villain #3: Not so tough when you don’t have powers.

Villain #1: I don’t need them. I’m smarter than you.

Panel #6: Villain #2 is with Villain #3. Villain #2 has hands burning. Villain #3 has flamethrower ignited. Villain #1 looks calm.

Villain #2 & 3: Prove it.

Page 64:

Panel #1: Villain #1 throws papers at Villain #2 & 3.

Villain #1: Tell me if you could come up with a plan like this.

Panel #2: Villain #2 and 3 are around papers.

Panel #4: Plans reveal sketches of building. Entry and exit points are on paper. Vault is circled in red.

Panel #5: Villain #2 and 3 look at Villain #1

Villain #2: That’s good.

Villain #3: …you’re right. These are good.

Panel #6: Villain #1 smiles. He’s standing next to both Villain #2 & 3. His hands are on each of their shoulders.

Villain #1: See? I can be a valuable asset to this group as well.

Page 65:

Panel #1: Villain #1 has papers in hand. Villain #2 & 3 are behind him.

Villain #1: With this gentlemen…we will be set for life.

Panel #2: Close up of plan. It shows LA Federal Reserve Bank.

Page 66:

Panel #1: Clumsy and Sidekick at remote area. They’re at an old airfield with hanger nearby. Car is there.

Clumsy: Are you sure this is ok to use?

Sidekick: Yep. I usually did my testing for Robot over here at this site, not to mention my dad owns the place.

Panel #2: Clumsy puts on utility belt and Sidekick puts on his gear.

Panel #3: Clusmy faces Robot.

Panel #4: Clumsy gets into a fighting stance against Robot. Sidekick nearby to control Robot.

Clumsy: Are you sure about this?

Sidekick: It’s a lot better than fighting me, and I can always fix Robot.

Panel #6: Clumsy shrugs.

Clumsy: Ok. Let’s practice.

Panel #7: Clumsy runs at Robot.

Panel #8: Robot flies into sky, eyes burning bright red.

Panel #9: Clusmy stops to look at Robot. His right hand is in utility belt.

Page 67:

Panel #1: Robot begins firing lasers at Clumsy.

Panel #2: Clumsy starts running forward.

Panel #3: Clumsy gets near Robot as he runs, and throws Flashbang at Robot.

Panel #4: Close-up on grenade exploding.

Panel #5: Robot stops shooting and his hands are at his eyes.

Panel #6: Sidekick is rubbing his eyes

Sidekick: D*mn…that was smart.

Panel #7: Clumsy has gun out, pointed at robot.

Panel #8: Close-up on finger pulling trigger.

Page 68:

Panel #1: Taser shoots out and punctures through Robot.

Panel #2: Robots gets electrified.

Panel #3: Robot drops to ground, burned to a crisp.

Panel #4: Clumsy walks over.

Panel #5: Clumsy takes off helmet.

Panel #6: Clumsy’s face is covered with sweat.

Panel #7: Clumsy’s gun is next to his hip. He’s walking towards Sidekick.

Page 69:

Panel #1: Clumsy is next to Sidekick.

Clumsy: How did I do?

Sidekick: Not bad. You made me think of some improvements I can make to Robot and your equipment.

Panel #2: Clumsy smiles.

Clumsy: So…that means we’re done here?

Sidekick: You don’t think I have other Robots?

Panel #3: Robots start flying out of hanger.

Panel #4: Clumsy looks scared and Sidekick looks happy.

Sidekick: We’re practicing all day today until we both know you can handle at least 5 guys by yourself.

Panel #5: Clumsy puts helmet back on.

Protagonist: Sh*t…well, might as well get to work.
End of Chapter 9

Chapter 10: The Robbery Part 1

Page 70:

Panel #1: Villains #1-3 are at LA Federal Bank, standing outside.

Panel #2: Villains are inside LA Federal Bank.

Panel #3: Villains stand in line for the bank teller.

Panel #4: Conversation between bank teller and villains.

Bank Teller: Hello there sir. How can I help you?

Villain #1: Wait just a moment.

Panel #5: Villain #1 pulls out a gun. Villain #2’s hands start burning. Villain #3 has his flamethrower out.

Page 71 (Splash page):

Panel #1: Villain #1 is shooting the ceiling. Villain #2 and #3 are burning the building up.

Villain #1: This is a hold-up! Don’t do anything stupid and we won’t kill you.

Page 72:

Panel #1: Villain #1 faces Bank Teller with smile. Bank Teller’s face is pale and looks scared. Villain #3 is in background standing near the door, closing blinds. All other people are on the floor, face down with hands on their heads. Villain #2 has his hands near people’s faces, letting them feel the heat.

Villain #1: Now, where were we?

Panel #2: Bank Teller’s face weakly smiles. Both hands are on top of the desk, folded together.

Bank Teller: Just…tell me what you want.

Panel #3: Villain #1 has bigger smile.

Villain #1: Open the vault.

Panel #4: Bank Teller nods. One hand is under table.

Panel #5: Close up on hand under table. Fingers pushed Red Button (Security Button).

Page 73:

Panel #1: Police Station. Inside Dispatcher room. Dispatcher sees “Alert” on one computer screen.

Panel #2: Dispatcher has mouse on hand. Screen is showing message, with LA Federal Bank Reserve in big letters on computer screen with stuff underneath.

Dispatcher: Chief! We have a big problem!

Panel #3: Police chief rushes into room.

Chief: What problem?! This better be good.

Panel #4: Dispatcher shows Police Chief screen. The screen has LA Federal Bank Reserve security cameras showing three villains robbing the bank.

Chief: Oh sh**. Call S.W.A.T. and the FBI. We’re gonna need to bring out the heavy stuff.

Panel #5: LA Federal Bank Reserve outside. Police cars are everywhere. SWAT and FBI trucks are scattered around. Men and women are armed and ready to enter the premises.

Panel #6: FBI boss, SWAT boss, and local sheriff are all talking behind a SWAT Truck.

FBI boss: Ok…so we know there are three men in there. The same men with the powers from Texas.

SWAT boss: I can have my men go in there, but I don’t want them to be at risk of getting 3rd degree burns.

Local Sheriff: Well, we can’t negotiate. These guys blew up a restaurant for fun!

Panel #7: Three bosses look grim

FBI boss: Then hope to God they mess up and we can go in and nab them.

Page 74:

Panel #1: Clumsy is sitting at office, listening to radio.

Radio: Just in. A robbery is happening just outside the LA Federal Reserve…

Panel #2: Clumsy’s eyes open wider. He looks at radio.

Radio: The same three men who blew up the nuclear plant in Texas are robbing the bank. If in the area, please clear out carefully and quietly.

Panel #3: Clumsy stands up. The radio is still on.

Radio: The local officials demand that the area be cleared due to the dangerous situation.

Panel #4: Clumsy is at the office door. Door is open. Clumsy’s boss is outside his office.

Chow: Where you going?

Clumsy: Out. I’ll make it up to you, boss.

Panel #5: Office door is closed. Chow is still standing there.

Chow: Wonder what’s on his mind…

Page 75:

Panel #1: Clumsy is outside Grandma’s house.

Panel #2: Clumsy opens his basement door.

Panel #3: Clumsy sees his suit all nice and laid out on bed. Sidekick is already there with gear.

Sidekick: I heard it on the news. It’s time.

Clumsy: I hope to God I get out OK.

Panel #4: Clumsy is suited up.

Panel #5: Clumsy is outside his house. He lifts up garage door.

Page 76:

Panel #1: Golf Cart is there, waiting with an attachment (the potato launcher)

Clumsy: Woah…what is this?

Panel #2: Inside Clumsy’s helmet. A sound is heard.

Sidekick: That would be my latest project.

Panel #3: Clumsy turns around.

Clumsy: Sidekick? Where are you?

Panel #4: Clumsy’s helmet again. View of his helmet to the outside.

Sidekick: I’m communicating to you via your helmet. Get in the car and drive! I’ll update you on your new suit and the car on the way there.

Panel #5: Clumsy behind the wheel of his golf cart.

Clumsy: You don’t have to tell me twice.

Panel #6: Clumsy speeding off in golf cart. Robot flying behind.

End of Chapter 10