The Doomed Fist 2-pages pencilled with script (large images)

[TNTales]

I thought about adding the script pages to the post but it would be really, really long. So I'm posting the 2 drawn pages and I've put the script pages in a post for the writing lab. You can read it here: http://www.penciljack.com/forum/showthread.php?t=86921

*NOTE: I have used GIMP to change the pencil color so it shows up better in the image. Harder leads are harder to scan, lol*


Page 1:

[TNTales]

Page 2 (note that the area around her head should be hair not blood, I just couldn't get it right:


Okay, bring on the pain, lol. I'm primarily a writer but I just wanted your impressions on this. If any wants to redraw from the script, by all means, have at it.

Thanks in advance,

Chris

[TNTales]

Ouch. That bad huh? At least tell me where to start working. I want to do my own art and I can see it all in my head. It's all that "on the paper thing."

You can be harsh.

[thebigone]

It's not bad...but, at first glance it seems like a color book so to speak. I would add detail to make the characters and look more interesting. To give off a different feel.

[dfbovey]

My first impression when I looked at these, was that you need to vary the camera angle more. Everything is seen at a very straight forward and stale point of view.

Panel two... makes me wonder why he parked so far away.

That last page could have been more dynamic by showing the actual figures standing in the panel rather than just the tip of their shoes.

It was easy to follow though.

[TNTales]

I see what you mean there, and thanks for the critique.

I'll work on the last page and maybe do an extreme foreshortening of the guys standing over her. And I'll see if I can rework the second panel of the first page.

I tend to be very formal in my layouts, kind of dry. I'll see if I can come up with something a little more energetic.