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[roguepencilII]

Hello to everyone I'm new here, just wanted to post a recent sequential I did for the superbly talented storyteller Trey Of Diamonds. I allready know that there are perspective errors in the first panel of page one and the lettering needs to be fixed along whith other stuff(wich I'm working on) but I'd still like to hear your comments. I also put a Flash version of the story on my personal sitehttp://www.roccorotiroti.it/ so tell me what you think [IMG][/IMG]
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Thanking you in advance
Rogue Pencil

[AlphaMale73]

Is that his eye or hers it looks like hers?? It should be his. Excellent storytelling and panel layout and artwork!!!!!!!! A +

[roguepencilII]

AlfaMale73 - That was the idea if you look better it's it's his eye. Like I said in other forums if I made it too explicit it would have given away the ending. This was a submission piece for MaM Tor's EVENT HORIZON so I kept in mind the paging, for a better idea of what I'm tralking about check out
the web comic on my site www.roccorotiroti.it, and tell me what you think.
Thanks again,
Rocco

[Trey of Diamonds]

Excellent storytelling and panel layout and artwork!!!!!!!! A +

And a big thanks from me too!!

[roguepencilII]

Thank you for giving me the opportunity to draw a well written story, Trey!

[Jennifer]

Pretty sweet. The first panel, however, needs to be fixed in terms of perspective. That's a huuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuge foot and in the space you've got to work with, it's just not working. She looks like she's an ant, or he's the Hulk.

[roguepencilII]

Thanks Jennifer, "Hulk squash ant" , seriously, I'm working on fixing that and other faults.

[djerwulfe]

And you sculpt?! Sheesh. Great piece a' sequart.

[PeterAndCompany]

Good work, overall. I do have a few critiques, though, if I may:

Page One:
Panel 1 - The perspective on this is all wrong. The horizon line is far too close to the top of the page, and with the viewpoint being what it is we wouldn't see as much of the shoe in the foreground as we do. Plus, it's grossly disproportionate to the actual size of the female character. Right now it looks like she's being followed by King Kong.
Panel 2 - Tighten up the artwork on the hand clenching the knife. Right now it doesn't look like he's holding the knife because his fingers don't wrap around the hilt. It's more like the blade is just "floating" in the center of his palm.
Panel 3 - Try to avoid cutting into the panel borders whenever you can. It's distracting and messes up the passage of time between the panels (because of the interaction with elements from the previous panel).

The last panel of page one and the first of page two are virtually identical. Change it up with a varying camera angle or some other form of action. Right now it's boring and stagnant at this point in the comic.

Panels two and three are the same story. Even though she's turning, it doesn't look that way because her facial expression (and position in the panels) are exactly the same. It just looks like the background blurred while she remained perfectly still. Plus, the sudden closeup of an eyeball in panel four is not only cliché (and in my opinion, should be avoided whenever possible), but is misleading because you really can't tell whose eye it belongs to. An eyeball closeup is a horrible storytelling element for this reason alone. You cannot fit in enough details to really give the reader a good idea of what's going on.

The final splash panel is the best artistically. You did a good job on the foreshortening. The only comment is your decision to split up the dialogue between the caption boxes. It would be more effective to split it up as:

"When they realize that the hunter has become..."
"...the PREY."

It's an unnatural pause to split "the" and "prey" apart. You wouldn't speak that way unless you were stuttering and forgot the line. It just serves to break up the flow of the narration, rather than emphasize it.

Hope this advice helps. Good luck with your future projects.

[thEbrEEze]

i love your storytelling but have a few crits. Page 1- the second panel with the knife is not very convincing. Also on the last page with the reflection i think it's fine because the last panel reveals it. I like it \. good work.