The link didn't work for me.
Well, I thought the whole thing was VAGUE. So vague that I couldn't even read it.
Ohhh, no the links just broken. Never mind.
Every morning there is a choice to be be made. Be groovy or not be groovy. I tend to choose groovy.
Using Firefox 1.0.7 browser, WinXP pro...
Why not just post the text here? A little copy paste saves a step for lazy viewers like myself...
That link just leads to a forum page, not a thread.Originally Posted by ubod_ng_lumpia
Try copying and pasting your writing to this thread.
Here's Reynard City#4. For future reference, the comic feedback forum is at http://forum.reynardcity.co.uk/viewforum.php?f=7
Apologies for my initial screwup and thanks Ubod for helping to correct it.
Reynard City Issue#4: Whose Life Was It Anyway?
Vibes, Sally and Guillermo are travelling through the warp (think
Dr Who with psychedelic colours etc.)
Text: “The warp is a distortion of space and time.”
FRAME 1- Sally lands in a dirty looking alleyway (In the corner,
there is a graffiti tag “Bamph was here”. Another says
“WT 4 SC”)
Text: “But travel throughout dimensions can be unpredictable…”
FRAME 2- Mega Fox smiles at her. He stands like Orson Welles
In The Third Man, his face partially in shadow.
MF: The warp works in mysterious ways.
FRAME 3- Mega Fox holds her head.
MF: Now…what am I going to do with you?
FRAME 4- Guillermo lands in another alleyway.
FRAME 5- A “Silverfox News” paper smacks him in the face.
The headline “Knox Helps Poor”
TEXT: “It can ruin lives…”
FRAME 6- Vibes groggily wakes up. The clock reads 6am.
Vibes: Oh great.
TEXT: “And in Veronica “Vibes” McAllister’s case
it wiped out an entire life.”
FRAME 7- Mike occupies a white frame.
Mike: Now, it is my responsibility to restore her memory
and reunite the forces of good before the forces
FRAME 1- Vibes is on the subway, holding a handrail.
Behind her are ads for “Vixen Café” and “Silverfox News-
THE news of Reynard City”
TEXT: “Regretfully, I must begin (and to an extent, exaggerate)
One of her most painful memories of her life…”
FRAME 2- Vibes holds her head, as around her she sees ninjabots
Plant bombs on the subway.
FRAME 3- Vibes falls to the ground.
FRAME 4- A man in a blue shirt (Mark) and tie picks her up.
Mark: Are you ok?
FRAME 5- Vibes gets up.
Vibes: Just a headache. Appreciate the concern, Mark!
FRAME 1- Vibes appears at “KREY”.
FRAME 2- In the recording studio, Vibes puts her headphones on.
FRAME 3- She switches the “Live” button.
Vibes: You’re listening to KREY, brightening
up Reynard City.
FRAME 4- Vibes puts on a disc.
CD: “R-E-S-P-E-C-T, find out what it means to me!”
FRAME 5- Vibes smiles.
FRAME 6- She holds her hands to her head.
FRAME 1- Vibes sees Mike next to her.
Mike: I prayed this wouldn’t happen to you.
Vibes: Who are you?
FRAME 2- Vibes raises an eyebrow.
Vibes: What’s wrong with “what happened to
FRAME 3- Mike gives her a scornful look.
Mike: You were always the first of my pupils to
FRAME 4- Vibes looks blankly at him.
Mike: You don’t remember me, do you?
Vibes: I think I’d remember a giant ant teaching
FRAME 5- Mike looks sternly at her.
Mike: Veronica, listen to me…
FRAME 6- Vibes tries to hit him.
Vibes: NOBODY CALLS ME THAT!
FRAME 7- The man in the blue suit looks as Vibes
is shouting at nothing.
Vibes: Now if you’ll excuse me, I’ve got a show to do…
FRAME 1- Vibes flicks on another CD.
FRAME 2- She holds her head.
FRAME 3- She groans.
Vibes: Sorry, I hate that song it goes on for ages. Let’s find
a happy song…
FRAME 4- Vibes looks up and sees Mike looking at her.
FRAME 5- She flicks on another CD.
CD: Love…Love will tear us apart…
FRAME 6- Vibes smacks her head on the desk.
Vibes: Anyone with suggestions
for a good de-stress song gets a free muffin courtesy of
the Fine Baked Goods company…
FRAME 1- Michael Knox- a large, sharp suited tycoon is in his
luxury office, playing back the show to Mark.
Vibes (voice): Sorry, I hate that song it goes on for ages. Let’s find
a happy song…
FRAME 2- Mark looks nervously at Knox.
Mark: It’s one bad show, Mr Knox. All the greats have their off days.
FRAME 3- Knox looks displeased.
Knox: Do you know what happens if I have an off day, Mark?
FRAME 4- Knox slams his fist on the table. Mark has one eye on the exit.
Knox: If I have an off day, I lose money. I end up having to close
orphanages for that!
FRAME 5- He grabs Mark by the collar.
Knox: Do you realise how much bad PR a closed orphanage is?
FRAME 6- Mark now looks in fear for his life.
Mark: I’ll…I’ll have a word with her, Mr Knox.
FRAME 7- Close up on his grin.
Knox: I want to see her. Now!
FRAME 1- Silverfox Towers, a silver glass skyscraper shaped like a fox.
FRAME 2- A cold looking executive conference room. On one end in the centre of
the frame is Knox. On the other end is
Vibes, with her back to the frame. Knox looms over her.
Knox: Do you know why I sent for you, Miss McAllister?
FRAME 3- Vibes smiles nervously.
Vibes: Everyone calls me Vibes, sir.
FRAME 4- Knox smugly lights a cigar.
Knox: I’m not everybody…Miss McAllister.
FRAME 5- He points to a diagram which reads “Foodstuffs”, “Entertainment”, “Churches”, “Schools”, “Tourist Attractions” etc.
Knox: KREY is part of my empire, MISS McAllister.
FRAME 6- He grins evilly at Vibes.
Knox: You see Miss McAllister, if my empire was a house of cards, I’d
have a full deck.
FRAME 7- He then glares at her.
Knox: One weak card, and the house collapses.
You, Miss McAllister, are the weak card.
FRAME 1- Vibes lowers her head.
Vibes: It won’t happen again, Sir.
FRAME 2- Knox smiles at her.
Knox: I know it won’t.
FRAME 3- Vibes smiles back.
Vibes: Thanks for understanding, sir.
FRAME 4- Knox’s smile becomes more forced.
Knox: Good. Because if you don’t…
FRAME 5- Knox yells at her.
Knox: You’re fired!
FRAME 1- Vibes is practically in tears.
Mark hands her a tissue.
Mark: I’m sorry. I wanted to handle it myself, but he insisted.
FRAME 2- Vibes smiles weakly.
Vibes: It’s okay, Mark. He’s rich, he can afford to be a jerk…
FRAME 3- Michael Knox smiles smugly.
Knox: Nobody messes with Big Daddy.
FRAME 4- He walks into a back room, where a blond secretary is
doodling a butterfly.
Knox: Jenny…hold my calls.
FRAME 5- Inside is an extravagant office, complete with luxury carpet, art and
drinks cabinet. On the desk is a globe with “Michael Knox”
branded on it. Knox sits with a cigar in his mouth, a brandy in one hand
and spins his globe with the other.
Knox (thought): One day…
FRAME 1- Mega Fox tries to hide in an alleyway.
MF: This is hopeless. I can’t maintain an attack campaign without
a base to operate from.
FRAME 2- He grabs a man walking past.
FRAME 3- He comes out wearing a hat and trenchcoat.
MF (thought): This is scarcely adequate.
FRAME 4- Terminator style scan of a warehouse. “Status- abandoned.
Distance 20 minute walk from the city”
FRAME 5- Mega Fox scowls.
Mega Fox: It will do for now.
FRAME 6- He looks up to see Silverfox Towers.
MF: One step at a time, Mega Fox.
FLASHBACK- This takes place at Mike’s Dojo. For image, think
the training program in The Matrix.
FRAME 1- Lovell, a giraffe in a magician’s costume, laughs at Vibes.
Lovell: Nobody likes you, poopy head!
FRAME 2- Close up on Vibes’ face, fire in her eyes.
Lovell turns his back on her, arms folded.
Lovell: Why should I…poopy head?
FRAME 3- Vibes blasts Lovell through a window.
Mike stands next to Vibes.
Mike: Before you say it, I don’t care who started it.
FRAME 4- Mike gives Vibes a glowing caramel from a bag marked
Mike: I knew this day would come, but it’s the only
way you’ll learn…
FRAME 5- Vibes smiles. Mike looks sternly at her.
Vibes: Thanks Mike! You know they’re my fave!
Mike: Eat it, Veronica and we’ll say no more about it.
FRAME 6- Vibes’ face bloats out as she sucks on the caramel.
FRAME 7- Her belly bloats up.
Vibes: HELP ME!
FRAME 1- Vibes sits up, sweating.
FRAME 2- She gets out of bed. Although she is in human form,
She is wearing AK Girl’s costume.
FRAME 3- She looks in the mirror and sees AK Girl.
Vibes: No…I’m dreaming! I’ve got to be!
FRAME 4- She looks around, various voices around the frame.
Voice#1: Give me the damn money!
Voice#2: God, are you there, it’s me, Janey?
Voice#3: Seriously baby, me and Bruckheimer are like
Voice#4: I want to ride the pony!
FRAME 5- She heads into the kitchen. There’s Mike.
Vibes: Who are you, really?
FRAME 6- Mike looks down at her.
Mike: The real question is who you are.
Vibes looks angrily at him.
Vibes: Five minutes ago I wasn’t a fox.
FRAME 7- Mike holds her.
Mike: I know this is hard for you, Veronica.
She swipes her first through Mike.
Veronica: NOBODY CALLS ME THAT!
FRAME 1- Mike smiles.
Mike: Don’t you wish you could have stood up to Knox like that?
FRAME 2- Vibes looks confused.
Vibes: How did…?
FRAME 3- Mike smiles.
Mike: I know everything about you…
FRAME 4- FLASHBACK-We see Vibes’ parents on Animal Kingdom drop her off at
Text: “I was there when your parents left you with me…”
FRAME 5- Vibes’ parents are shot.
Text: “Sadly, I was also there when they died.”
FRAME 6 SPLIT FRAME- Vibes as a baby walks on the dojo ceiling.
TEXT: “I saw you take your first step…”
Vibes beats up a burly rhino in a Fonz style leather jacket.
TEXT: “and I was there during your first fight.”
FRAME 7- Mike smiles at Vibes.
Mike: Rest assured, Veronica, I will always be with you. But
first you must overcome yourself.
FRAME 8- Mike fades away
Mike: If you don’t believe me, Veronica, see what happens when you
FRAME 1- Vibes wakes up.
FRAME 2- She looks in the mirror. Her face is back to normal.
Vibes: No more midnight espressos!
FRAME 3- Vibes is back at the radio station.
Vibes: We’ll be right back after these messages.
You’re listening to KREY, where the sun’s always shining.
FRAME 4- Vibes takes off her headphones. A guy in a cap brings a box of muffins from
“The Fine Baked Goods Company”.
Guy: Your jingles really suck.
Vibes: Tell me about it.
FRAME 5- She bites into the muffin.
Vibes: Mmm, this is good. What flavour is it?
FRAME 6- The guy smiles.
Guy: It’s a new flavour “Super Duper Caramel Blast”
Vibes’ cheeks puff out.
Vibes: Uh oh.
FRAME 7- The muffin guy looks concerned.
Guy: Are you okay, lady?
Vibes’ belly starts to puff out.
Vibes: Are you any good at DJing?
FRAME 1- Vibes is now a blimp.
Mike appears alongside her.
Mike: Do you believe me now?
FRAME 2- Vibes looks worried.
Vibes: Yes, yes, just tell me what I have to do!
FRAME 3- Mike smiles.
Mike: That’s just what you said the first time…
FRAME 4- Vibes closes her eyes.
FRAME 5- FLASHBACK- Vibes is a blimp as well.
Vibes: Mike, help me!
FRAME 6- Mike turns his back to her.
Mike: I can’t help you Veronica. All you need to do is focus.
FRAME 7- Vibes opens her eyes.
Vibes: PSYCHIC MODE!
FRAME 1- Vibes is now dressed as AK Girl.
FRAME 2- She smiles.
Vibes: I could get used to this.
FRAME 3- She holds her head.
FRAME 4- She sees a man with a knife head towards a woman in an alleyway.
FRAME 5- Mike appears next to her.
Mike: Do you need any more help?
FRAME 6- AK Girl smiles.
AK Girl: I’ll take it from here, Mike.
FRAME 1- The mugger heads toward the woman in the alleyway.
FRAME 2- He grabs her by the neck.
FRAME 3- Close up on her frightened face.
FRAME 4- Close up on the mugger’s grin.
Mugger: Give me your money and you can keep your pretty
FRAME 5- The mugger turns around, his knife still on the woman’s neck.
AK Girl (off- frame): Let her go and you can keep your
FRAME 1- The mugger lunges toward AK Girl.
FRAME 2- AK Girl kicks him in the gut.
AK Girl: STRENGTH MODE!
FRAME 3- She leaps up…
FRAME 4- And fly kicks him to the floor.
FRAME 5- The woman smiles.
Woman: Thank you er…
AK Girl laughs.
AK Girl: I’m AK Girl.
FRAME 6- She speeds off.
AK Girl: SPEED MODE!
The woman shakes her head in the foreground.
Woman: That was…interesting.
FRAME 1- AK Girl speeds toward KREY.
FRAME 2- She changes back into Vibes.
FRAME 3- She looks up and sees Knox.
He has her contract in his hand.
FRAME 5- Vibes looks nervous.
Vibes: Mr Knox, I can explain…
Knox: Sure you can.
FRAME 6- He rips up her contract.
FRAME 1- Knox smiles at her.
Knox: You’ve got five minutes to clear your desk…
FRAME 2- Vibes glares at him.
Vibes: You’ll regret this, Mr Knox.
FRAME 3- Knox laughs.
FRAME 4- Vibes punches Knox.
FRAME 5- Vibes walks off.
FRAME 6- Knox calls after.
Knox: What about your stuff, Veronica?
Vibes (off screen): Keep it!
FRAME 1- Vibes smiles to herself.
FRAME 2- Mike appears.
Mike: An excellent start, Veronica.
FRAME 3- Vibes raises an eyebrow.
Vibes: What do you mean “start”? I’m kicking ass, vixen style!
FRAME 4- Mike shakes his head.
Mike: I fear there is more to come. You must find the others and
FRAME 5- Mike holds her.
Mike: I regret to say this, but you will be dealing with more
FRAME 6- Vibes holds her head.
FRAME 7- There’s a look of fear in Vibes’ eyes.
Mike nods sadly.
Mike: He’s coming to conquer Earth, just like he did Animal Kingdom.
One page splash. A factory line grinds out megabots. Warp King smiles next to
Warp King: How about that then, Mega Fox? Not bad.
Mega Fox: It’s a start, Warp King. It’s a start…
TO BE CONTINUED…
Imaginereadinganentirechapterofabookthat'sbeentran slatedfromanancientlanguagebyacomputerprogramandit 'stypedentirelywithoutpunctuation
That's how I feel about the way you've chosen to lay out this script.
The format makes it almost incomprehenxible. Nothing is spaced, nothing is underlined, nothing is bold. I have a hard time reading form line to line and keeping track of who is who while trying to figure out how many different settings and characters you're putting in one page.
There's warping involved. Strictly from a writing standpoint, that's confusing as it is. Playing with the reader's perception of space and time is hard to tackle with any kind of clarity in the first place. When you start of a story with a theme like warping AND not wanting to give the reader any sort of hint as to what's already in motion, what you've got is an inside joke between you and yourself that nobody else is really going to get unless they're willing to feel like an idiot for the first 3 issues. (i.e. Shadowhawk)
I'm going to admit I couldn't read past page 13. Between the animal kingdom, the ninja bots, the building shaped like foxes, the radio station, the guy who is apparrently installed in every room of every building anywhere to eject condescending remarks about the student techer relationships any given person may have had with him and the aforementioned lack of formatting, it's just too much.
First you need an overview. Whoever we are, be it viewer or potential artist, we need to know what we're in for. A synopsis should summarrize the [plot in general. Character descriptions would be invaluable. We need to know about this animal kingdom and what's going on there. You can leave some to mystery but you need to throw us a bone.
I love fantasy. I love outlandish things involving abstract ideas. I just love them a lot more when tehy're done right. If you want to discuss what you're going for here, contact me. We'll get it straightened out. Otherwise, pick up a book about comic scripting. No matter what, this needs to be rebuilt from the ground up.
Whoa. Thanks Crete, I will certainly do that.Originally Posted by CRETE
With regards to character biogs, synopses etc, those are all in the forum link I gave you.
This is the fourth issue and there are three more before that (I'll post 1 and 2 here, my co-writer/editor Seb is working on 3)
Last edited by WillTurner; 11-15-2005 at 04:29 AM.