Amadarwin - The Unauthorized Biography

[Ugga Bugga]

Amadarwin – an unauthorized biography

Amadarwin was brought into this world the son of a pirate, and a detergent pitch woman.
Orphaned at birth after a bizarre sugar refinery accident claimed the lives of his beloved parents.

With no other family to take care of him, Amadarwin was left to his own devices, living on the street, surviving by selling false passports to zoogoers. Wanted in seven states by the age of eight, Amadarwin caught the attention of one Zechariahs Chesterfield – a local butcher/magician whose advertising slogan was “I’ll make your meat disappear”.

Zechariahs treated Amadarwin as if he was his own son. Which unfortunately meant he beat him silly at every opportunity. Zechariahs’ favorite method of beat down was flogging – a lost art in modern days really. Indeed a magical meat shop is perfect cover for a torture master – and torture master, Zechariahs was. For, hidden within the bowels of the butchery was the most extensive and elaborate collection of torture equipment since that extensive and elaborate collection of that guy from the middle Ages that really, really liked torture equipment. You know the guy.

Amadarwin discovered the basement of terror while messing around with his eighth grade English teacher Mrs. Rubinson behind the butcher shop. Mid thrust, he stumbled across a secret passageway hidden in a tree stump nestled behind the shop. After discretely discarding Mrs. Rubinson’s body, Amadarwin ventured into the hidden threshold - frightened, yet fascinated.

As Amadarwin made his way down the narrow passageway towards the basement, a feeling of terror struck his innards. What was down here? Why was there a secret passageway? Who shot J.R.? What if Zechariahs found him sneaking around this narrow passageway? It wouldn’t take him long to find out the answers to his questions, which in no particular order was to create safe passage to the basement of terror, beyond furious,
the basement of terror, and Sue Ellen Ewing.

When Zechariahs did notice the boy, he was in fact beyond furious. This precocious parentless youngster had breached his terror sanctuary. Zechariahs was going to teach Amadarwin a lesson he would never soon forget.

“You shouldn’t have come here” said Zechariahs in a voice that would have send shivers up a llama’s spine.
“but, but I” Amadarwin interjected,
“But you nothing!” shrieked Zechariahs as he lunged fiercely towards the boy, “You have invaded my terror sanctuary”. “Do you know what I do to people who breach my terror sanctuary?”
“No, I don’t”, said Amadarwin, struggling to contain the millions of smartass retorts that circled his brain, like impatient jumbo jets awaiting clearance from ground control.

“I torture them”. With that, Zechariahs grabbed an electrified three pronged device, and aimed them directly towards Amadarwin’s nether regions.

To be continued.

[banshee]

hilarious!

... certainly explains a lot about ama...

lia etc

[amadarwin]

He forgot to mention how badly Sue Ellen Ewing had the hots for me. He always skims over that.