We've got a lot of new faces on this board (I'm one of them). I got some pleasant comments on my Origin of Cheeseburgler story, so I decided to do another script. This one kept pouring out of my brain like maple syrup on a cold Minnesota morning (!), so it turned into a full issue script - 22 whopping pages!
It turns into ten printed pages, so allot about 15-20 minutes to read, depending on your reading speed.
This is for all the children of the '80's who once believed in a magical place ...
(and for their jaded adulthood that realizes that real magic today isn't found in a massive worldwide fast food conglomerate, but in the childhood memories that inspire creativity today)
The Happy Meal Buddies
"Justice Served on a Toasted Kaiser"
Tarl N. Telford
A lot of heroes have called McDonaldland home. But they were never enough to match the tide of villainy that rolled in like a bad case of indigestion. No hero had the strength to face McDonaldland's upset stomach and burp it back into good health.
No hero but one ...
... and those big red shoes have been empty for a long time.
These are the events, recounted in an interview with the one-time leader of the Happy Meal Buddies, Fry. Reported by WMcD's own Pamela Saccharine.
Panel 1 - FRY sits comfortably on his large sofa in the ultimate bachelor's apartment. As his name suggests, he is a box of fries. His (hair) fries goes everywhere, wild like a shaggy lion's mane.
In the background of the apartment, we see FRY's current girlfriend - a Hollywood socialite, always talking on a cell phone.
Panel 2 - PAMELA SACCHARINE (PAM) sets her tape recorder town next to her and smiles at FRY.
Dialogue 1 (Pam) - LIVE AND UNCENSORED. THAT'S HOW THIS INTERVIEW WILL START. THE NETWORK WILL PROBABLY CUT OUT SOME PARTS, BUT I WANT YOU TO BE HONEST WITH ME, FRY.
Dialogue 2 (Fry) - THANKS FOR HAVING ME, PAMELA.
Panel 3 - Pamela searches deep into Fry's eyes for that nugget of wisdom that she can exploit for her shocking expose.
Dialogue 3 (Pam) - WE'RE APPROACHING THE FIFTEENTH ANNIVERSARY OF THE DEATH OF RONALD McDONALD -
Dialogue 4 (Fry) - DISAPPEARANCE, PLEASE. NO BODY WAS EVER FOUND. SO, DISAPPEARANCE.
Dialogue 5 (Pam) - DISAPPEARANCE, THEN. AFTER FIFTEEN YEARS OF McDONALDLAND'S GREATEST HERO MISSING, WHAT WAS THE BEST ADVICE THAT RONALD EVER GAVE YOU?
Panel 4 - Fry digs deep back into his memory. Long dream-like shot of the Golden Age of McDonaldland, fifteen years ago.
Caption 1 - "Beware the evil that lurks behind the smiling eyes."
Panel 1 - Same as Panel 4, previous page - McDonaldland in all its golden glory.
Caption 1 - It began like any other day.
Caption 2 - But the storms have a way of sneaking in.
Panel 2 - Clouds block the sun. Thunder growls. Lightning flashes.
Panel 3 - Fry sits at an outdoor cafe, with a cup of coffee in front of him. He reads a newspaper. In the background, a telephone rings.
SFX - Riiiing, Riiiing.
Dialogue 1 (Waiter) - Telephone call for you, Mr. Fry.
Panel 4 (Inset) - The phone flies from the waiter's hand as a feminine Boot kicks out.
Panel 5 - A voluptuous villainess, SICKLY SWEET (note: I see her as looking like the Huntress, from Batman; also, she bears a striking similarity to Pamela Saccharine.), saunters up to Fry and pushes him back down into his chair.
In the background, cars overturn, and havoc runs rampant in the streets as some big villain, just off panel, approaches.
Dialogue 2 (Sickly Sweet) - YOU NEEDN'T GET UP SO QUICKLY, MY BIG, STRONG HUNK O' TATERS. THE CITY IS QUITE CAPABLE OF TAKING CARE OF ITSELF FOR A FEW MINUTES.
Dialogue 3 (cont'd) WHY DON'T WE SIT HERE AND TALK ABOUT ... YOU?
Dialogue 4 (off-panel) - NOT SO FAST, SICKLY SWEET!
Panel 1 - HAMBURGER, the resident genuis-inventor of the Happy Meal Buddies, floats down on a flying platform (think something from The Jetsons). He still wears his lab coat.
Behind him, another hamburger bun (TK) floats down in the background.
Panel 2 - With Hamburger and his new friend here, the villainess is outnumbered. Sickly Sweet makes her getaway. She leaps over a table and disappears.
Fry sits with his eyes spinning, mesmerized.
Dialogue 1 (Sickly Sweet) - YOU'LL NEVER STOP US!
SFX - (laughter from Sickly Sweet) Ha Ha Ha.
Panel 3 - Fry snaps back to himself. Hamburger floats right in front of him.
Dialogue 2 (Hamburger) - SNAP OUT OF IT, FRY!
Dialogue 3 (Fry) - WHA - WHO?
Panel 4 - The fair-haired hamburger bun, TK, introduces himself. He has smiling eyes.
Dialogue 4 (Fry) - WHO'S THIS?
Dialogue 5 (TK) - I AM T.K. I AM FROM GERMANY. WE START HAPPY MEAL BUDDY GROUP OVER THERE, AND SO I COME TO LEARN FROM AMERICAN BUDDIES.
Dialogue 6 (Fry) - HOW DO WE KNOW HE'S FOR REAL?
Panel 5 - Hamburger rushes to the defense of his distant cousin.
Dialogue 7 (Hamburger) - HE'S A DISTANT COUSIN OF MINE. I BELIEVE HIM. HE'S RELATED TO MY -
Dialogue 8 (TK) - GREAT-UNCLE AUGUSTUS, TWICE-REMOVED. HE WAS A GERMAN CHOCOLATE CAKE.
Dialogue 9 (Hamburger) - HE WAS A NUT.
Dialogue 10 (TK) - HE WAS A FLAKE.
Dialogue 11 (both) - HE WAS A COCONUT FLAKE!
Panel 1 - Fry leaps up. Sees the carnage in the streets.
Dialogue 1 (Fry) - WE DON'T HAVE TIME FOR A FAMILY REUNION. THERE'S EVIL AFOOT.
Panel 2 - A giant foot comes crashing down on top of a car.
Panel 3 - Fry pulls out a sword with an eye in the hilt. He holds it up to his face, so as to look through the curved pommel. (cheesy Thundercats reference.)
Dialogue 2 (Fry) - EYE OF GELATTO, LET ME SEE WHAT IS UNSEEN!
Panel 4 - Through binocular-like vision, he sees a headless giant in a Nazi-like military uniform trashing the city.
Panel 5 - Heroic shot. Fry leaps atop the table and raises the Eye of Gelatto high above his head.
Dialogue 3 (Fry) - HAPPY. HAPPY. HAPPY MEAL BUDDIES, HOOO-O!!!
Panel 1 - The Happy Meal Buddies race to battle. They are joined by Soft Drink. TK tags along.
Dialogue 1 (TK) - I WISH TO SEE HOW THE AMERICAN BUDDIES FIGHT EVIL MENACE.
Dialogue 2 (Fry) - FINE. JUST STAY OUT OF THE WAY. LET THE HEROES DO THEIR JOB.
Panel 2 - The headless giant trashes downtown McDonaldland. The Golden Arches appear in the sky above his head, summoning all McDonaldland heroes to battle.
Dialogue 3 (Fry) - TK, YOU STAY HERE, OUT OF SIGHT, OUT OF DANGER.
Dialogue 4 (Fry, cont'd) - HAPPY MEAL BUDDIES, WE HAVE A JOB TO DO.
Panel 3 - Ronald McDonald blasts the giant from the ground with a Happinator Ray, but it's no use. The beast can laugh, but it can't smile without a head.
The giant swats out and hits the charging McNugget Buddies. (note: impact marks on the giant's hand swatting out)
Panel 4 (inset) - McNugget Buddies thwap into the wall. Their eyes bulge as they flatten. They're done.
Panel 5 - The purple behemoth, GRIMACE, leaps into battle against the Giant.
Dialogue 5 (Ronald) - The Happinator Ray isn't working! Grimace, do your thing!
Dialogue 6 (Grimace) - McFlurry Attack!
Panel 1 - The Giant grabs Grimace and shakes him up and down.
Dialogue 1 (Grimace) - UH ...
Dialogue 2 (cont'd) - I'M GONNA <GLORP> LIKE A CAN OF SODA!
Panel 2 - Giant tosses Grimace away.
Dialogue 3(off-panel) Fry - HAPPY MEAL BUDDIES, NOW!
Panel 3 - Group attack shot. Speed lines, etc. (note: The main purpose of this panel is the dialogue. The group attack shot should serve to accentuate the dialogue punchline. Keep in mind the dialogue will cover half this panel. All three speak individually, then together.)
Dialogue 4 (all) - HAMBURGER! SOFT DRINK! FRIES! ALL REGULAR SIZE!!!
Panel 4 - Staggered shots. All three of them get clobbered. Hamburger gets stepped on. Soft Drink gets squished in the Giant's hand. Fries gets knocked away.
Dialogue 5 (Soft Drink) - I KNEW IT. OWW!
Dialogue 6 (Hamburger) - HE'S FLATTENING -
Dialogue 7 (Fry) - OOF!
Panel 5 - Ronald McDonald helps Fry to his feet.
Dialogue 8 (Ronald) - It's no use. We can't beat a giant like this.
Dialogue 9 (cont'd) - We need a bigger hero.
Panel 6 - Fry meets Ronald's serious look and nods.
Panel 1 - The Happy Meal Buddies stand together. TK Floats in behind them.
Dialogue (all) - HAMBURGER! SOFT DRINK! FRIES! ALL SUPER-SIZE!!!
Panel 2 - A growing panel. The Happy Meal Buddies and TK grow to super size. Now they are the same size as the giant.
Dialogue 2 (Fry) - TK, STAY BACK. YOU SHOULDN'T BE HERE. THIS IS A JOB FOR THE HEROES.
Panel 3 - Fight with Giant. Soft Drink attacks with a blast from his straw. The Giant falls back into a building.
Dialogue 3 (Soft Drink) - HOW ABOUT AN ICE COLD DRINK?
Panel 4 - Hamburger uses his mind power to attack the Giant. But no head - no mind.
Dialogue 4 (Hamburger) - IT DOESN'T HAVE A HEAD. MY MIND POWERS ARE NO USE.
Panel 5 - Fry launches a flying fry attack at the Giant.
Dialogue 5 (Fry) - THEN WE'LL JUST HAVE TO USE BRUTE FORCE!
Panel 1 - The energy blasts of the fry attack stagger the Giant, but it doesn't fall. Soft Drink cries out in terror.
Dialogue 1 (Soft Drink) - IT'S NOT WORKING! WE'RE ALL DOOMED!
Panel 2 - The Giant flattens Soft Drink with a big punch to the stomach. Soft Drink is not out of the fight.
Panel 3 - Hamburger races to Soft Drink's aid.
Dialogue 2 (Hamburger) - BREATHE. C'MON, SOFT DRINK. GET UP. WE CAN WIN THIS.
Dialogue 3 (Soft Drink) - NO USE. GOT THE AIR KNOCKED <hic> OUT OF ME. I'M DONE.
Panel 4 (Inset) - Soft Drink closes his eyes in defeat.
Panel 5 - The Giant grabs a pedestrian. It's Sickly Sweet, minus the mask. (note: this should be obvious to the reader, but not to the heroes.)
Dialogue 4 (Fry) - HE'S GOT A CIVILIAN!
Panel 6 (Inset) - Close up on woman's face in mock terror.
Dialogue 5 (Woman) - (very tiny voice) HELP ME.
Panel 7 - Fry gets angry and leaps to the attack, heedless of the danger. This giant put a pretty girl in mortal jeopardy, therefore he must pay the ultimate price.
Fry roars as he charges (note: probably lots of speed lines again).
Panel 1 - Fry barrels into the Giant's chest, knocking him over.
Panel 2 - The pretty girl goes flying through the air.
Panel 3 (inset) - Hamburger's eyes pop wide open as he sees the danger.
Panel 4 - Hamburger zips to the rescue. He opens his mouth wide to catch her.
Panel 5 - Pretty girl lands in his mouth, splashing mustard everywhere.
Panel 6 - Pretty girl stands on the street now, glaring at hamburger.
Dialogue (Hamburger) - NO THANKS NECESSARY, MA'AM. JUST DOING MY JOB.
Panel 7 - Hamburger's eyes cross as the girl kicks him in front. (note: we should get the impression that he was kicked in the crotch, even though that is theoretically not possible. We're going for laughs.)
Panel 1 - The Giant's feet are flat out on the ground. Fry yells right in Hamburger's face.
Dialogue 1 (Fry) - WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU? YOU COULD HAVE HURT HER!
Dialogue 2 (Hamburger) - HER? SHE HURT ME!
Panel 2 - Giant gets up. Hamburger and Fry still argue, oblivious to the Giant behind them.
Dialogue 3 (Fry) - SHE WAS A CIVILIAN IN DANGER, AND YOU -
Dialogue 4 (Hamburger) - DON'T GIVE ME THAT. YOU WERE A SUCKER FOR A PRETTY FACE. NO CLUE WHAT GOES ON BEHIND THOSE EYES.
Dialogue 5 (Fry) - BETTER THAN YOU.
Dialogue 6 (Hamburger) - YOU WOULDN'T KNOW DANGER IF IT KICKED YOU IN THE -
Panel 3 - A giant foot kicks Fry high into the sky.
Panel 4 - TK floats around the Giant.
Dialogue 7 (TK) - HE DOESN'T LOOK SO TOUGH.
Dialogue 8 (Hamburger) - TK! LOOK OUT!
Panel 5 - The giant hands raise TK high above the Giant. (note: Think of the Press Slam from pro wrestling. The wrestler lifts the other high above their head, and drops down into a backbreaker over the shoulders.)
Dialogue 9 (off-panel; Hamburger) - NOOOO!!!
Panel 6 - Backbreaker maneuver. The Giant slams TK down onto his shoulders.
SFX - evil laughter. Heh heh heh heh.
Panel 1 - High above the street, the Giant, now with a head, stares down at Hamburger.
Dialogue 1 (Hamburger) - OH, COUSIN, WHAT HAS HAPPENED TO YOU?
Panel 2 - Fry limps back into the battle. He is once again regular size. Ronald McDonald helps him back to Hamburger.
Dialogue 2 (Fry) - WHATEVER THAT THING IS NOW, IT'S NOT YOUR COUSIN.
Panel 3 - Hamburger shrinks also, back to regular size.
Dialogue 3 (Hamburger) - I'M SO SORRY, TK. IT'S ALL MY FAULT. IT WAS AN ACCIDENT.
Panel 4 - The Giant roars in laughter.
Dialogue 4 (TK) - ACCIDENT? THERE ARE NO ACCIDENTS.
Dialogue 5 (cont'd) -FOOLISH AMERICAN HAPPIES - EVERYTHING HAS GONE ACCORDING TO MY PLAN.
Panel 5 - Hamburger's eyes widen in horrible realization.
Dialogue 6 (Hamburger) - PLAN? YOU'RE NOT A HAPPY MEAL BUDDY AT ALL. YOU'RE -
Splash page. TK Giant rises high above the heroes in all his terrible splendor.
Dialogue (TK) - THE TOASTED KAISER!!!
Panel 1 - The Toasted Kaiser raises a hand and shoots a heat blast out, exploding a building.
Panel 2 - Hamburger sees the Happinator Ray.
Dialogue 1 (Hamburger) - RONALD! IT HAS A HEAD! USE THE HAPPINATOR RAY!
Panel 3 - Ronald dives toward the Happinator Ray.
Dialogue 2 (Ronald) - FRY, COVER ME!
Panel 4 - Fry charges up his fry attack.
Panel 5 (inset) - Fry is distracted by the Pretty Girl watching in horror. Stops.
Panel 6 - Close up on Toasted Kaiser's hand. Heat Blast shoots out.
Dialogue 3 (off-panel) - RONALD!!!
Panel 1 - Staggered. All three Happy Meal Buddies shout in horror.
Dialogue 1 (all) - NOOOO!!!
Panel 2 - Amid the cracked and ruined streets of McDonaldland lay all that remains of her greatest hero - a smoking pair of big red shoes.
Page Fifteen -
Panel 1 - Back in Fry's apartment. Fry looks uncomfortable.
Caption 1 - That's where the interview stopped.
Dialogue 1 (Fry) - I NEED SOME AIR.
Panel 2 - Fry and Pamela Saccharine walk through the park.
Dialogue 2 (Fry) - AFTER RONALD WAS KILLED -- ER ... DISAPPEARED, NOBODY'S BEEN ABLE TO STOP THE BAD GUYS COMPLETELY. THE HAPPY MEAL BUDDIES WERE NEVER THE SAME AFTER THAT.
Dialogue 3 (Pam) - SO WHERE ARE THEY NOW?
Panel 3 - Interior, office. Soft Drink sits behind a desk, talking on a phone.
Caption 2 - Soft Drink works at the employment agency. His ulcer is acting up again.
Panel 4 - Hamburger carries a wrench back to a car with its hood up. He's covered with grease and dirt.
Caption 3 - Hamburger works as a mechanic now for the Yugo dealership. He's happy, or so he says.
Panel 5 - Fry and Pamela stand in front of a memorial statue of Ronald in the park.
Dialogue 4 (Fry) - WITH THE BIG R GONE, EVILNESS JUST MOVED IN, AND WE WERE POWERLESS TO STOP IT.
Dialogue 5 (cont'd) - IT'S LIKE ALL THE HELIUM WENT OUT OF OUR BALLOONS. NOT A SOUL DARED SING FALSETTO MUNCHKINESE WITHOUT THE HELIUM ...
Dialogue 6 (Pam) - UM ...
Panel 6 - Pamela reaches out and touches Fry's shoulder.
Dialogue 7 (Pam) - BUT YOU DEFEATED THE TOASTED KAISER, RIGHT?
Panel 1 - McDonaldland in the shadowy grip of evil. Trash blows along the streets. Fast food graffitti on the walls.
Caption 1 - Yes, we did. But the cost was terrible.
Caption 2 - By the time we formulated a plan, the supervillains had set up shop.
Panel 2 - 5 - Series of shots.
Sesame Seed Samurai beats up McNugget Buddies.
The Shadow of Dark Tater falls over Mayor McCheese.
The Toasted Kaiser (now normal size) stands over the battered body of Big Mac (the constable before he went bad)
Caption 3 - We were only equipped to deal with one customer at a time.
Caption 4 - They had drive-thru villainy.
Panel 1 - The Happy Meal Buddies stand in front of a church with a head of lettuce wearing a black collar.
Caption 1 - We had gone to seek spiritual guidance.
Dialogue 1 (Fry) - FATHER. LETTUCE. PRAY.
Panel 2 - They all bow their heads (or recline) in silence.
Panel 3 - Same silence, praying for a solution.
Panel 4 - Same silence. Lightbulb appears over Hamburger's head.
Panel 5 - Hamburger shouts in glorious idealism.
Dialogue 2 (Hamburger) - EUREKA! YOU COULD DO IT!
Dialogue 3 (Lettuce) - Me?
Panel 1 - Inside Hamburger's Laboratory. A Changing Screen (an old fashioned on in the corner, with clothes hanging over the top) stands prominently in the corner.
Dialogue 1 (Hamburger) - OF COURSE. WHY DIDN'T I THINK OF IT BEFORE? QUICK, WHAT DO GERMANS LIKE?
Dialogue 2 (Soft Drink) - RUTHLESS TERROR. OH, YOUR PLAN WILL NEVER WORK. HE'S ALREADY RANG UP OUR ORDER. WE'RE FINISHED.
Panel 2 - Fry leans back against a table. We get the impression that he's folding his arms in deep thought.
Dialogue 3 (Fry) - HMMM. GERMANS LIKE ... BEER AND LARGE WOMEN.
Dialogue 4 (Hamburger) - UHHH ... NO. I MEAN YES, BUT McDONALDLAND HAS NEITHER.
Dialogue 5 (Fry) - SAUSAGES. AND GRANDFATHER CLOCKS.
Dialogue 6 (Lettuce) - LEDERHOSEN?
Panel 3 - Hamburger has had enough. He explodes in rage.
Dialogue 7 (Hamburger) - STOP IT! YOU ARE OBVIOUSLY NOT GOING TO GUESS CORRECTLY, SO I WILL TELL YOU. THEN YOU CAN TELL ME HOW CLEVER I AM.
Panel 4 - Silence. Fry, Soft Drink, and Lettuce stare at him.
Panel 5 - Hamburger gives his big revelation.
Dialogue 8 (Hamburger) - AHEM. SAUERKRAUT. GERMANS LIKE SAUERKRAUT.
Panel 6 - Silence. Repeat Panel 4.
Panel 7 - Hamburger explains.
Dialogue 9 (Hamburger) - SAUERKRAUT COMES FROM CABBAGE. AND CABBAGE LOOKS LIKE LETTUCE. SO WE DRESS LETTUCE UP LIKE A GIRL CABBAGE AND HE LEAVES A TRAIL OF SAUERKRAUT DOWN TO THE RIVER. TOASTED KAISER WILL FOLLOW THE SAUERKRAUT TRAIL, AND THEN WE WILL DROP A GIANT CAGE DOWN ON TOP OF HIM!
Panel 8 - Silence. Repeat Panel 4.
Panel 9 - Repeat Panel 4. Fry's eyes turn toward Lettuce.
Dialogue 10 (Fry) - *SNORT*
Panel 1 - Alleyway. Hamburger and Fry stand with Lettuce. He's dressed up in a German dress, a wig, and makeup. A pail of sauerkraut sits beside him.
Dialogue 1 (Lettuce) - I DON'T FEEL COMFORTABLE. ISN'T IT A SIN TO DRESS IN WOMEN'S CLOTHING?
Dialogue 2 (Hamburger) - DON'T THINK OF IT AS A DRESS ... THINK OF IT AS A TOGA.
Dialogue 3 (Lettuce) - AND THE LIPSTICK?
Dialogue 4 (Hamburger) - YOU'VE BEEN ENJOYING RASPBERRY SHAKES.
Panel 2 - Lettuce in drag walks away as a decoy to save McDonaldland.
Dialogue 5 (Lettuce) - TOGA AND RASPBERRY SHAKES.
Dialogue 6 (Fry) - *SNORT*
Panel 3 - Same as panel 2. Soft Drink shows up late.
Dialogue 7 (Soft Drink) - WHOA, WHO'S THE DISH? THAT'S A SALAD I'D LIKE TO TOSS.
Dialogue 8 (Fry) - *SNORT*
Panel 4 - Lettuce in Drag whistles at Toasted Kaiser. Even though he's shrunk to "normal size", he's still at least fifteen feet tall.
Dialogue 9 (Lettuce) - YOO-HOO! TALL, DARK, AND TOASTY!
Panel 5 - Lovey-dovey hearts pop out of Toasted Kaiser's eyes.
Dialogue 10 (TK) - CAN IT BE? BACK FROM BEYOND THE GRAVE? MY LOVE'S LIFE HAS RETURNED TO ME.
Dialogue 11 (cont'd) - COME TO ME, MY LITTLE SPOILED CABBAGE!
Panel 6 - Lettuce races away, terror evident on his face, as the lovestruck Toasted Kaiser lumbers after him, shouting puffed pastry poetry all the way.
(note to letterer: Lettuce's dialogue should crowd out most of the puff pastry poetry. Just show enough to let the reader think peculiar thoughts)
Dialogue 12 (Lettuce) - GET TO THE DOCKS. THE CAGE'LL BE READY. OOH, THEY'D BETTER HAVE IT READY. THESE STOCKINGS ARE RIDING UP. MY HAIR IS FLAT. OH, THIS IS JUST TERRIBLE.
Panel 1 - Lettuce races by. Soft Drink and Fry are still up on the giant cage, hammering. Hamburger is down below, tweaking the levers, readying the cage to drop.
Dialogue 1 (Fry) - NOT YET, BUNS-FOR-BRAINS! WE'RE STILL UP HERE.
Panel 2 - Lettuce freezes on the edge of the dock. Toasted Kaiser puckers up for a big kiss.
Dialogue 2 (TK) - NOW, MY LITTLE KISSING 'KRAUT, WE SHALL BE TOGETHER FOREVER.
Dialogue 3 (off-panel) - NOW!!!
Panel 3 - The giant cage drops on top of Toasted Kaiser. Fry, Soft Drink, and Hamburger smile in smug satisfaction.
Dialogue 4 (Fry) - NOW, TOASTED KAISER, YOUR REIGN OF TERROR COMES TO AN END. CAGED LIKE A RAT.
Panel 4 - The four sides of the cage fall flat. (note: impact marks where it hits the dock) the bars of the cage fall right over the Happy Meal Buddies.
Dialogue 5 (Fry) - I TOLD YOU TO NAIL THEM TOGETHER, YOU DOLT!
Dialogue 6 (Hamburger) - THAT WAS YOUR JOB, REMEMBER? IF YOU WEREN'T SO BUSY LOOKING AT -
Dialogue 7 (Hamburger, cont'd) - ROPE!
Panel 5 - Toasted Kaiser's feet tangle in a rope. The Happy Meal Buddies pull on it.
Panel 6 - Pretty Girl (from earlier scenes) floats by in a rowboat. Fry drops the rope.
Panel 7 - Toasted Kaiser blasts Soft Drink and Hamburger.
Dialogue 8 (Hamburger) - FRY, WHAT ARE YOU DOING? HELP - AAACK!
Panel 8 - Lettuce knocks out Toasted Kaiser's feet from under him. Knocks him down into the water. Falls down on top of him.
Dialogue 9 (Lettuce) - ONE THING I KNOW, BREAD AND WATER DON'T MIX. MY PAPPY WAS AN ICEBERG, SO WATER RUNS THROUGH MY VEINS.
Dialogue 10 (cont'd) - MAY ALL THE DUCKS IN McDONALDLAND FEAST ON YOUR CRUSTY HEAD, TOASTED KAISER!!!
Panel 9 - Big Splash as Toasted Kaiser and Lettuce sink beneath the water. Fry stares after the rowboat, but it's gone.
Panel 1 - The three Happy Meal Buddies and Lettuce (sans wig) sit on the dock, watching a flock of ducks feast on floating bread.
Panel 2 - Same shot. Sun closer to horizon. Hamburger gone.
Panel 3 - Same. Soft Drink gone.
Caption 1 - So that's the story of Ronald's disappearance. That's the story of the Happy Meal Buddies.
Panel 4 - Same. Twilight. Lettuce gone. Fry left alone.
Caption 2 - Lettuce liked the superhero gig so much he kept wearing the dress ... er - toga. He started an illustrious career as the Caesar Salad.
Panel 5 - Sunset in McDonaldland Park. In front of Ronald Statue. Back to Interview.
Dialogue 1 (Pam) - SO THAT'S IT? A MYSTERY GIRL BREAKS UP THE HAPPY MEAL BUDDIES? YOU THREE WERE THE ENVY OF EVERY TOWN IN AMERICA - NOTHING COULD BREAK UP THE HAPPY MEAL. YOU WERE AS AMERICAN AS APPLE STRUDEL.
Dialogue 2 (Fry) - IT WASN'T JUST THAT. RESENTMENTS HAD BEEN BREWING A LONG TIME. Y'KNOW, BOTH OF THEM WERE JEALOUS OF ME. I ALWAYS DID HAVE A WAY WITH THE LADIES.
Dialogue 3 (Pam) - SO I'VE HEARD. HOLLYWOOD ROMANCES EVERY OTHER WEEK - KATHY IRELAND, ANNA NICOLE SMITH, (PRE-BILLIONARE), HELENA BONHAM CARTER, AND THE SEVENTEENTH IN LINE FOR THE MONEY - HELOISE HILTON.
Panel 1- Fry and Pamela Saccharine lean on the railing of the docks.
Dialogue 1 (Pam) - SO WHAT DID THIS MYSTERY GIRL LOOK LIKE? WOULD YOU KNOW HERE AGAIN IF YOU SAW HER?
Dialogue 2 (Fry) - ABSOLUTELY. I SEE HER EVERY TIME I CLOSE MY EYES.
Panel 2 - Pamela looks at him expectantly.
Dialogue 3 (Pam) - WELL?
Dialogue 4 (cont'd) - WOULD YOU KNOW HER IF SHE STOOD RIGHT IN FRONT OF YOU?
Panel 3 - Fry stares off into space. No response to Pamela's question.
Panel 4 - Pamela walks away.
Dialogue 5 (Pam) - I'M GOING. THANKS FOR THE INTERVIEW. MY PEOPLE WILL BE IN TOUCH WITH YOUR REP. SEE YOU AROUND, TALL, CRISP, AND SALTY.
Panel 5 - Silhouette of Fry and Pamela on docks. Sunset in background.
Dialogue 6 (Fry) - HAVE DINNER WITH ME.
Dialogue 7 (Pam) - YOU'VE ALREADY GOT A GIRLFRIEND. I DON'T DATE STORIES.
Dialogue 8 (Fry) - NOT A DATE. REALLY. TO CONTINUE THE INTERVIEW. THERE'S SOMETHING ABOUT YOU - ME - THERE'S SOMETHING MORE ABOUT ME I WANT YOU TO KNOW.
Dialogue 9 (Pam) - SO THERE'S MORE TO THIS OLD SALTY VETERAN THAN WAR STORIES? I'LL CLEAR MY SCHEDULE. ANYTHING FOR YOU, SWEET THING.
Panel 6 - Pamela Saccharine walks away from Fry, a wicked smile on her face.
Caption 1 - What's the best advice you ever received?
Caption 2 - Beware the evil that lurks behind the smiling eyes.