Script in development

[brsalazar]

This is an exerpt from a script I am working on. Please let me know what you think.




PAGE SEVEN
PANEL 1
A larger black panel van with tinted windows screams down the streets of St. Louis. This is a seedier part of the city and it is night so the freaks are out. Hookers, gang bangers, drug dealers mill about. Garbage flies through the night air.

LESTER CAPTION
"So your sure he's still in there?"

HARRY CAPTION
"Yeah, they brought him in yesterday and he hasn’t left since. I was on him until I left to go meet you. I got a girl at the club watchin' for me in case anything happened while I as gone."

LESTER CAPTION
"Who runs this joint?"

HARRY CAPTION
"A guy by the name of Rudy Ray Huggins. Small time pimp and dope peddler, nothing to worry about."

LESTER CAPTION
"Any muscle?"

HARRY CAPTION
"Naw, Rudy don’t got the juice to hire no supes, so it's strictly amateur hour."

PANEL 2
Interior of the van. Lester is driving, Harry is in the passenger seat, Simon is all the way in the back. The van is set up with all the conveniences that a modern day Recovery Agent needs. We won’t be able to see all this in this shot but keep it in mind for any future panels. Simon has a work station with a laptop and other monitors. There is a weapons safe, video and other surveillance equipment, a refrigerator, and workbench. On the other side is a small bench with shackles, handcuffs, and other restraining devices attached. LESTER is eating a power bar. HARRY is playing with the radio. SIMON is typing on the laptop.

LESTER
Simon, get my 45's out of the lock box and make sure their loaded. And load four extra clips.

HARRY
Damn Lester, I said these guys were small time.

LESTER
I don’t like taking any chances.

PANEL 3
Close up of Simon opening the weapons safe. This is loaded with all sorts of weapons both common and exotic.

SIMON
You want dum-dums or hollow point?

PANEL 4
Profile of Harry and Lester.

LESTER
Dum-dums. I don’t want any casualties. And pull out a pack of the gas grenades, they might come in handy.

PANEL 5
Back to SIMON. He's holding up two pistols.

SIMON
Do you think I should use the 9mm or the .38?


PAGE EIGHT

PANEL 1
Close-up of LESTER. His head is turned back towards SIMON and he is yelling. Bits of power bar fly from his mouth.

LESTER
Neither! You're sitting right here working the headphones like always.

PANEL 2
SIMON looking deflated. He can’t believe his ears.

SIMON
C'mon man you can't do this to me. It's a strip club. With strippers.

SIMON
There are naked boobies waiting for me in there!

PANEL 3
Back to Lester. He is putting the van in park.

LESTER
And work is waiting for you out here, so quit your bitching and get to it. Get an earpiece ready and give the guns to Harry.

PANEL 4
LESTER and HARRY are getting out of the van which is parked across the street from the HONEY POT, a gaudy strip club. The sign above the club is bright neon with a sexy cartoon bee/girl sitting with her legs spread and a large pot of honey in between them. In the doorway a large figure can be seen sitting on a chair.

PANEL 5
Birdseye view of LESTER and HARRY walking towards the club. LESTER is lighting a Cigarette.

HARRY
I'll go round the back and have my girl let me in. I'll meet you inside.

LESTER
Don't get lost in the dressing room Romeo. I wanna' get this over with quick. In an out and nobody gets hurt.

HARRY
Have I ever let you down?

PANEL 6
Close-up on Lester looking sideways at Harry who has moved away from him.

PANEL 7
Close-up of Harry, palms up with a cheesy smile on his face.

HARRY
When it was important?


PAGE NINE

PANEL 1
LESTER approaches the front door of the club alone. Over his shoulder we can see MORRIS, the 6' 5", 345 lb ex St. Louis Ram Offensive lineman who blew out his knee and now works for his cousin RUDY, sitting in the doorway, looking menacingly at LESTER.

PANEL 2
Close-up of MORRIS tonguing the gold fronts in his mouth.

MORRIS
$20 bucks, two drink minimum.

PANEL 3
LESTER hands him the cash.

MORRIS
Welcome to the Honey Pot sir. Enjoy the view and keep your hands off the girls.

PANEL 4
Wide shot of the interior of the club. Twenty girls work the room. Some of them are walking around, some giving lap dances, a couple on stage dancing. There are about ten customers in the place, all male.

PANEL 5
LESTER is sitting at the bar and motioning to the BARTENDER.

LESTER
Gimme' a beer, whatever's on tap.

BARTENDER
You got it sugah'.

PANEL 6
Across the room, a sexy red-headed stripper coming from out of a doorway looks directly at LESTER.

PANEL 7
The redhead is right next to LESTER now. She's wearing a gypsy outfit and putting on her best vamp. She looks a little like Anne Margaret.

STRIPPER
Hey stud. Looking for some company?


PAGE TEN

PANEL 1
Close-up of LESTER looking unimpressed, sipping his beer.

LESTER
Hey Harry.

LESTER
Nice tits.

PANEL 2
HARRY/STRIPPER looking shocked.

HARRY
How'd you guess?

LESTER
Cause every time you shape-shift into a woman, you look like Anne Margaret.

HARRY
What can I say? Viva Las Vegas.

PANEL 3
LESTER facing away from HARRY, watching another striper walking by.

LESTER
So what's the score? Where's our guy?

PANEL 4
Harry fixing his makeup in the bar mirror.

HARRY
He's here. In the back. Follow me.

PANEL 5
HARRY leading LESTER through the club towards a door at the back. Nobody is paying them any attention.

HARRY
They have a few rooms back here that the girls use for private dances. Your guy is at the end of the hall.

LESTER
Alone?

HARRY
Not sure. My girl Friday said a couple of guys went in there earlier but she wasn't sure who they were, or if hey came out.

PANEL 6
HARRY and LESTER at the door. HARRY is opening it.

LESTER
Not sure. What the **** HARRY?

HARRY
Hey man what do you want. The girls on the job here. She's gotta' work. I told her to keep an eye on our guy and make sure he didn’t leave. She did that.


PAGE ELEVEN

PANEL 1
A dimly lit, narrow hallway with two closed doors on each side and one at the end.

LESTER
Are they muscle or what?

HARRY
I don't know. She said she didn't recognize either of them. You sure you don’t want to wait this prick out?

PANEL 2
LESTER standing in the hallway with HARRY standing behind him handing him one of his 45's.

LESTER
Can’t afford to. Clocks ticking.

HARRY
Well like I told you, Rudy ain't nothin' to sweat and any goons he hires are bound to be low rent.

PANEL 3
HARRY is walking back out the door they came in.

HARRY
Shouldn't be anything in there you can’t handle.

PANEL 4
LESTER creeping down the hallway looking intently. He has one hand to his ear, the other wrapped tightly around a 45.

LESTER
(under his breath)
Famous last words.

LESTER
(into vox microphone)
Simon, can you hear me?

PANEL 5
Close-up of SIMON in the van. The light from the monitor he is looking at is the only light in the van.

SIMON
Rodger that Eagle one. This is Eagle two and I have you five-by-five.

LESTER (V.O.)
Will you knock that shit off?! Be serious for **** sake!

SIMON
Sorry man, take it easy.

PANEL 6
LESTER's BACK facing us. He's at the door now. He's holding his 45 to his side.

LESTER
I'm gonna' kick the door down. Keep the van running and ready for a hot exit.

PANEL 7
Birdseye of LESTER's foot coming right at us.

LESTER
AAAHHHHHHH!!!!!

PAGE TWELVE

PANEL 1
This panel is cut at an angle. It should only take up 1/3 of the page. We see the door LESTER kicked bursting open, with LESTER standing in the doorway, gun raised, looking like a maniac.

LESTER
FREEZE MOTHER****ERS!

PANEL 2
This panel takes up the majority of the rest of the page. We see what LESTER sees; STANLEY blindfolded and handcuffed to a chair, blood running down his face and chest. He has been worked over hard by the other occupant of the room, MR. BLAMMO, a costumed super villain. MR. BLAMMO is big, strong, mean and can discharge powerful energy blasts from his eyes. He is not pleased by this interruption and his eyes are crackling with energy.

LESTER CAPTION
"I hate being right all the time."

PANEL 3
Close-up on MR. BLAMMO firing energy blasts from his eyes. He is furious.

MR. BLAMMO
DIE!

SFX
BLAST!


PAGE THIRTEEN

PANEL 1
MR. BLAMMO's energy blasts blow out the doorway into the club. Strippers and customers scatter. There is no sign of LESTER.

SFX
BOOOOM!

PANEL 2
HARRY, shocked at the door being blasted apart, runs towards the hallway.

HARRY
HOLY SHIT! LES!

PANEL 3
A shadowy figure is emerging from the doorway. Smoke billows from the remains of the hall.

HARRY
LES! Oh **** Les are you oka--

PANEL 4
MR. BLAMO emerges from the hallway, a huge crazy smile on his face.

MR. BLAMMO
Where are you worm? I'm gonna' crush your skull!

LESTER CAPTION
"Super powers. They sure are a pain in the ass."

PANEL 5
Wide shot of LESTER standing behind MR. BLAMMO with a 45 to the back of his head.

LESTER CAPTION
"But they can come in handy."

LESTER
Nice trick. Can you dodge a speeding bullet too?

LESTER CAPTION
"I can."

[Ugga Bugga]

Hey

It's nice to see some new people around here. Welcome aboard.

I thought this was a nice script. The Ann Margaret stripper had me on the floor.

There are a number of spelling and gramatical mistakes. Your instead of you're for example.

It might sound nitpicky, but it makes a huge difference. It is distracting, and when it comes early in a script, it digs an unnecessary hole. Run you script through a spell and grammar check. It is very important.

I'd like to see how this starts so that I can give a more thoughtful critique.

[brsalazar]

Hey

It's nice to see some new people around here. Welcome aboard.

I thought this was a nice script. The Ann Margaret stripper had me on the floor.

There are a number of spelling and gramatical mistakes. Your instead of you're for example.

It might sound nitpicky, but it makes a huge difference. It is distracting, and when it comes early in a script, it digs an unnecessary hole. Run you script through a spell and grammar check. It is very important.

I'd like to see how this starts so that I can give a more thoughtful critique.

Thanks for taking the time to read and respond. I appreciate it.

A lot of what is going on is explained in the earlier part of the script, but it contais some things that I ddin't want to reveal at this part.

I actually have an 'editor' working with me, but he hasn;t gone over this yet so all the spelling mistakes should be eliminated once he and I go over it. I just was excited that I had this part finished and wanted to get some feedback.

Thanks again for the advice.

[DarkPenfold]

Who's set to be drawing this? I only ask because there's very little in the way of stage direction ni your panel descriptions - view angles and character actions aren't as specific as in some examples I've read. That's fine if it's going to be drawn by yourself, as it's perfectly possible to keep an image in your head of what you want the finished thing to look like. But if it's being pencilled by someone else, there's really not enough information for them to accurately reproduce what your mind's eye is seeing.

Whilst that's not a huge criticism - as an artist I always liked to get scripts that let me have some leeway in what I'd be drawing - it's my experience that specific viewing angles and stage directions can help a lot during pacey, dramatic moments.

From a more applicable C&C point of view, though, I thought the dialogue was pretty good. It doesn't feel forced, and that's arguably one of the hardest things to get right when you're writing for several characters. I'd suggest that you change the last part of page 13, though; have the wide shot in panel 5 stretching most of the way across the page, and a small insert panel at the far right featuring a close-up of Lester's face viewed from over Blammo's shoulder as he grins like a mad dog, and change the "I can" caption to a standard dialogue line for that panel. But that's just my take on the pacing, that's all

[amadarwin]

Interesting. Engaging. I do have to say though, panel direction isn't necessarily needed until the camera location is important (for the writer) to get his mood across. For instance, if the writer's panel description is: Bobby drinks milk from a wine glass. Then it's not important where the camera is and is perfectly fine. If it's imperative to the story, then the writer should give more direction, such as lighting, camera angle and what kind of mood he's trying to convey.

Now for the story: I liked what I read so far. The only crits I have for you is to be very careful when you use more than 5-6 panels. 7+ panels tends to crowd up the page some and are usually used for a sequence of action shots, or a bunch of talking head shots.

Spelling is important when writing a script. While it may seem nitpicky, trusting an editor to catch all your mistakes is not the way to go. He will get so tired and wrapped up (if he cares) trying to catch your mistakes that the story might suffer. It is his job, after all, to make sure you're putting out a quality story. Spelling should be the least of his concerns. Also, if your spelling errors come inside a conversation on accident, the editor MAY let those slide, thinking you are trying to develop speech patterns and/or impediments. Not taking care of those errors is a bad habit to get into.

Lastly, be wary of too many conversation balloons/captions. On page 7, the first panel, you have 6 conversation captions going on. It will probably work for this panel since there isn't much else going on than establishing a location, but be careful nonetheless. Depending on the size of the panel, you can fit more or less sentences/words in.

Ok, so I lied, this is lastly: on page 13, last panel. The last caption doesn't work for me. I'm not sure if he pulls the trigger, but if he does, then the "I can" probably should be in the next panel where he does the action. It's a matter of timing. If he doesn't pull the trigger, you can probably omit it entirely. I know you're eager to show off Lester's abilities, but that one can wait, I'm sure.

hope this helps!

[JJ Mckool]

Yeah, great story and concept. I hope it goes far cuz this'll be cool to read.