First Time writer...ever

[Gabriel_Scarlett]

Hello, my name is Gabriel and this is my first draft at a comic book I at least want to start. I have a quick draft at the pencilling lab located here: http://www.penciljack.com/forum/showthread.php?t=52935

So here it goes, tell me if I need more or less whatever. Thanks

Page One:



Page is divided into three panels equally. Gabe is standing with his back against the wall, lighting a cigarette.



Panel One:

Far off shot, you can see down the street going off to the left. Gabe is on the right side with not a lot of detail to him. There are some street lamps, old cars, and homeless folk. [This is one dangerous man. He is on probation for grand theft auto, breaking and entering, and armed robbery.]



Panel Two:

A closer shot, maybe bottom of panel right at sidewalk curb. Gabe’s hand is down by his side with the lit cig, and there is still a not of detail, maybe his body is in the shade of some object. You can’t see down the whole street anymore, but there is a car coming with the headlights on. [He has no money. He has no family. He has no life.]



Panel Three:

An even closer shot, but even less details because the shadow has gotten darker because of the oncoming car with the headlights. Gabe is now blowing smoke out of his mouth. [This man is not worthy of anything.]



Page Two:



This is the opening splash page with a full body shot of Gabe with the headlights on him so it gives full detail. Gabe now has his hand at his face with his cig in his mouth. [This man is Gabriel Scarlett.]



Page Three:



Page 3 is broken up into 6 panels with two square panels in the center of the page. 3 equal panels on top of the page and a long and big one at the bottom.



Panel One:

A close up of Gabe’s head, facing, his head will be like he’s resting it on the wall. A man off panel says: “Gabe?” Gabe’s eyes will be closed and he will be sucking a drag off the cig.



Panel Two:

Same close up of Gabe except this time he is blowing smoke out of his nose.



Panel Three:

Same close up of Gabe except this time his cig is in his mouth, kind of hanging and its still smoking. Man says off panel: “Gabriel? Hey, izzhat you man?” Gabe replies: “What do you want, Teddy?”



Panel Four:

This is the open panel in the center of the page with Gabe on the left side of the page. The angle will be at hip level almost looking up toward Teddy and have Gabe’s hand and cig be a blackout. Teddy is going to be a homeless man who is a messenger for William “Nova Star” King, a local mob boss. Teddy has ragged clothes and he will look like a teddy bear or a Ewok from Star Wars. Teddy says: “Oh geez man, I knew it was you! Nova gots one more job fer ya and he sez it’ll pay off real big. Gabe interrupts and he says: “Oh really, Teddy? Is that so?” Teddy goes on to say: ”Yeah, I do sez so. Now hee sez after this he’ll be done with ya fer good. So do ya wanna take it?”



Panel Five:

This has a profile view of Gabriel looking to the right and down at Teddy and he says: “I’ll do it. Take me to him.”



Panel Six:

This has a profile of Teddy looking up at Gabe and he says: “All right man, follow me.”


Kudos

[Struthers]

Hey there, welcome to the writing forum.

Alright; I'll get stuck in with no further ado.

First, what we have here sounds good, but that's about all I can say without knowing more of the story. Not much has happened yet, so there's no point in me trying to critique the plot. It could go in a million different directions from here. I hope it goes in a unique, unexpected one - that's your job.

Second, the script format: I can see that if the panels were any more complex, they could become difficult to decipher, because they stray pretty far from a 'normal' script format. Now, there's no set format for scripts - and if you're doing your own artwork, then hell, there ain't no harm in writing it in crayon, backwards, on toilet paper, or whatever floats your boat. But there are general standards that help one scriptwriter read and understand another writer's script. Stick to the standard tools and terminology, and artists/editors/collaborators will be able to understand you a bit better, without the extra effort of having to 'work out' what's going on with the format. This isn't really a criticism of the script, just the format, so I'll move on.

(In the meantime, take a gander at this: http://userpages.umbc.edu/~lmize1/writing/essays.html for formatting tips.)

Okay!

Well, the dialogue's well written. The conversation between Gabriel and Teddy seems authentic enough. So that's fine.

There's one caption I'd change, because the tone seems a bit off. In panel three of page one, the caption reads: "This man is not worthy of anything." I'd definitely shorten this to something like "He's worthless." - it's a lot punchier, and it rolls off the internal-tongue-in-my-head a bit easier.

Also, looking at it again, the first caption of them all tells us that he's up for grand theft auto, etc. I'd probably just take a page or two and show a flash of his past, there. Show a few disjointed panels of him stealing a car, raiding an off-license (oh - liquor store ), et cetra. Go for visual impact. Then show him being led away to jail or something, and his family visiting less and less...

There's an old storytelling axiom that always grates me when somebody says it to me, so I thought I'd pass it on - I'm sure you've heard it. Show, don't tell. Okay, for that, you get one free punch to the lower body if you ever meet me in the street, okay?

That's all I have to say. Definitely keep posting, and post the next couple of pages, I'd be interested in reading them.

[Gabriel_Scarlett]

Struthers,

Man, that's some sound advice and I agree with you and once I start to draw it up I'll put in some offset panels or something of the like. I realized that I gave only the first part of the story and not the summed up version of the first script so here it it.

The main character, Gabriel Scarlett, was a "bad" guy who just got released from prison. Teddy is a messenger for Nova, a man who is an organized crime boss who somewhat resembles Jabba the Hut in which he's really fat. Now Gabriel fresh out of the slammer needs money and he's worked for Nova before and he'll wok for him again. So Nova sends Gabriel to kidnap a priests' daughter and when Gabe gets to the church and kidnaps the child, the priest catches him on the way out and holds a gun to Gabe's head. Gabe won't let her go, so the priest condemns Gabriel to Hell and shoots him.
Now each soul goes to heaven to be judged, and Gabe is supposed to go to hell but the archangel saves him for whatever reason (haven't thought that far ahead yet), so the archangel Gabriel saves and confronts him and tells him he needs to right his wrongs, etc. Gabe goes through this intense pain and that's the last shot of the last page of my hopeful comic, Gabriel.

Comic number 2:

He returns to earth with new powers which include: Black angel wings for he is not an angel therefore they are not white, white fire on hands which causes excelerated strength, speed and defense, like a shield. thats all I have right now.

Later down the line I'll have Gabe adopt a daughter from a third world country who will have powers like the invisible woman from fantastic four but only she will be aware of them. Like she can walk a foot above the floor but people cant stand on it with her only her. I'll explain better later b/c it's hard to explain.

some characters I thought of:
Skylar King: daughter of Nova and is analy and obsessively compulsive and she can fly
Grandmum: African-American grandmother who takes care of Gabe's daughter
Teddy: a bum

Gabe's Outfit:
Like Starmans' from DC (he was the COOLEST) b/c Starman wore street clothes

Hope this grabs attention

[Ugga Bugga]

Hey welcome.

FIRST THE BAD NEWS!


Gabe is not a tough sounding name.

with respect to the format. Make the changes and make it clear what is dialogue, and what is description.The problem is that the format is so distracting, that it is hard to concentrate on the substance of the script. I have used templates which created confusing scripts, and people can't get past the format, because its too confusion. Make is easy for the reader to read.

(Please don't look at my X-Factor script as a proper structure)
(But please do look at my X-Factor and X-Factor #2 script)





In your first panel "This is one dangerous man". I thought this should be left alone. Give it a second to sink in. It is a very powerful statement. By adding the second line about being on probation so soon, you have robbed the statement of its impact.

Also, saying that someone is on probation for something, does not make them sound dangerous.

Being "wanted" for something does. Being "convicted" of something, or "accused" of something has more impact I think.

Try not to use stuff like "maybe his face is obscured". Be definitive. It is your script, your vision. Be the boss. "His face is obscured etc.)

Even though we all have crazy doubt about what we write, we want to fool people into thinking that we actually know what we are talking about (Though rarely we actually do).
By qualifying everything, I got the sense that you weren't sure of yourself. It's like when people say "I think that ABC is true". That means they don't have the confidence to say ABC is true, and is inviting others to say "Yeah, but I think XYZ"

It's all about trickery.

If you definitely say monkeys can fly, then goshdarnit, maybe I have just never seen the flying monkey" But if you think monkey's fly, I just think you're crazy.

There seems to be alot of smoking. That said, I am currently writing a script with a lot of smoking, so who am I to talk. Why do we think smoking makes someone look scary?

You need to think of your script as a step by step instruction to the artist. It is a blueprint. If you mix up the staircase on top of masterbedroom, no one knows what is going on. Separate the description from the dialogue. Think of the description as the instruction to the artist (Even if you are going to be the artist)

It seems as though you were brainstorming with yourself within the script (which is fine for an internal working draft, but not necessary in a script presented to someone)

This is the open panel in the center of the page with Gabe on the left side of the page. The angle will be at hip level almost looking up toward Teddy and have Gabe’s hand and cig be a blackout. Teddy is going to be a homeless man who is a messenger for William “Nova Star” King, a local mob boss. Teddy has ragged clothes and he will look like a teddy bear or a Ewok from Star Wars. Teddy says: “Oh geez man, I knew it was you! Nova gots one more job fer ya and he sez it’ll pay off real big. Gabe interrupts and he says: “Oh really, Teddy? Is that so?” Teddy goes on to say: ”Yeah, I do sez so. Now hee sez after this he’ll be done with ya fer good. So do ya wanna take it?”

The "Teddy is going to be a homeless man who is a messenger etc." is out of place here. Say "Teddy is a homeless man"

Take out the "will look like" stuff, and replace with descriptive words. I.e. Frankenstein is green, with a flat head, and electrode probes coming out from the side of his neck. He is very large, and has broad, wide shoulders. He wears a confused look on his face.

You see, the problem with the formatting overshadows the script. I couldn't even get to what the script is about, AND I REALLY WANT to know what the script is about.

NOW THE GOOD NEWS.

You have the foundations of a good character. He has previous trouble. He has nothing causing him to be good (no family). He is free and ready to cause trouble.

I hope that someone will teach him how to turn his life around.

You have tried to mix up the look of each panel with different "camera angles". Because you are an artist, you think like an artist. I struggle with this all the time, because I'm not an artist.

You have taken that first step that others think of. That is putting pen to paper (or keyboard to computer).

The artwork is very cool.

Please reformat this thing. There are many resources on the net for proper structuring. I am just too lazy right now to find a link.

Once you get the format under control we will be focusing on the structure of the story, which is what you really want. Please do so. Reformat, and repost.

AND PLEASE Don't be discouraged by the crits. We have a good group of people here, who are trying to help everyone to get better.

I would ask that you please also take the time to crit other's work. It will help you with your work.

I hope this helps.

[Struthers]

Also, saying that someone is on probation for something, does not make them sound dangerous.

...also...

There seems to be alot of smoking. That said, I am currently writing a script with a lot of smoking, so who am I to talk. Why do we think smoking makes someone look scary?

Ha! That's really true. I can't believe I missed that - but it's right. Being on probation means that he's been a really, really good boy for a while, and he has a fixed abode, and probably a menial job somewhere. None of this really lends itself to being a kick-arse earthly tool of the angels. If he's escaped from a correctional facility, or if he's currently on the run, then there's a certain tension there - and you can even bring in law enforcement characters later in the comic. 'Member how the A-TEAM always had that fella following them around, right on their heels? And Bruce Banner had that darned reporter? Tension pushes the story along. Maybe even for five or six series, if you eke it out

And, on the subject of smoking - it's not scary in itself - but the act of smoking is a sort of posturing. Like some sort of twisted bird of paradise, the smoker says: look at me. I don't give a flyin' fugg what this is doin' to me. It's real nice. Ain't I hard?

And then, even when there's nobody around to watch, they further cement their off-the-shelf notion of 'self' with every drag. So there's something about a smoking character that some element of us can identify with, even if we ourselves don't smoke. We can see, in them, some self-destructive streak, mebbe even a tiny little incy-wincy cry for recognition. Not for help, never for help - but recognition.

A collary: when I'm out, I drink large glasses of straight whiskey. JD, or Bushmills. There's an off-the-shelf personality trait if ever there was one. And I bloody love the stuff. Actually, I've gone and put myself in that ol' hollerin' mood again...

Putting characters that have themselves subconsciously chosen off-the-shelf personality traits into our work has an effect on the reader, and it should be recognised, thought about, weighed up.

And does it say something about us as writers? I don't smoke - gawd, I hate the idea of it - but I've created chain-smoking protagonists before. What does that say about my attitude towards the character - my own identification, or lack therof, with him?

Meh.

[Gabriel_Scarlett]

Both Ugga and Struthers have very good points. I have seen some errors that I will fix and It will take more practice to become a good writer. And I understand when it was said that the script was more like mental notes and thats true, as I said this is the first draft. Also, I'm more a artist than anything and this is hte first script of anykind I have made so I'm still toying with ideas and what people look like, etc. Another thing is that it was also said that I don't have a good format, and that's understandable, but since I'm aslo the artist, it makes sense to me. Of course, I do need to put standard formats and rhythms and what not. I take both of your advices very seriously and I would rather have someone point out the bad than good, you know what I mean? Anyway, I'm currently searching for tips and tricks and maybe in a year I'll take this to a comic convention and see what goes from there.

I'll post back ina few days hopefully with better material and some few artworks.

Kudos.

[Ugga Bugga]

I look forward to seeing it.

In the meantime, you may be interested in participating in this plotting exercise.

plotting exercise

[mobboss76]

i am writin somethin' fo scool dat has a main charecter with the same foundation like he ain't got no one and he bad pretty much cuz ah that he ain't got no point in life