Freedom's Arm - concept

[Transbot9]

Hey, all, been quite a while since I've posted on PJ...

Freedom's Arm

Genra: Scifi/Cyberpunk/Gothic/Detective
Setting: Antarctic City, a sprawling self-sustaining muilti-tiered metropolis located at Earth's South pole. Centered in the city is a gigantic column that makes up the bulk of the metropolis. This column caps a thermal bore hole and supports a ceiling of "glass," creating a gigantic greenhouse surrounding the column. The greenhouse was excavated during construction. The top level of the city is a more traditional metropolis sprawling a web of metalwork arches (hence, the gothic aspect)
Timeframe: An unknown point in Earth's future, approximatly 200 years after a war that left the Earth in a state of Nuclear Summer (dust insulates and the planet becomes heated, although not as extreme as Venus)

The Pitch:

Glade Riven - Freelance detective, bounty hunter, enhanced human, amnesia victim. As events unfold, shards of his unknown past return haunt him as he is drawn into fighting a world of crime, violence, and deceit. However, with the ghosts come allies both new and old, setting the stage for revolution.

[foxmerquise8]

Sounds like alot of stories and aspects roll up into one. You might want to pick one or two genres/aspects and expand from that.

Like a freelance detective, bounty hunter, enhanced human, amnesia victim is alot for one person to be, and alot of a story tell at once.

Also, wouldn't a green house at the south poll only work half the year?

[Transbot9]

Oh, this thing cascades into complicated - this is just a breif description. 98% of it is just details, though, and the plan is not to hit the reader with everything at once. The whole goal is a main story arc, a secondary story arc (a bit of a side story in the background to add depth to reality), ending with a setup for the next story.

The eventual aim is for a graphic novel, even if it's only web published, with space left open for a sequil. The only other way I can think of to simplify the genra blending statement is a Detective story set in a Cyber-Gothic setting.

The greenhouse is one of those things that falls under the details - artificial lighting is maitained for the other half of the year.

[Spectre-7]

Not to sound like a producer, but the pitch lacks a "Hook". It sounds a bit too much like every noir detective story, no offense. You always want something unique and intriguing in your pitch, and I'm just not feeling it.

Really concentrate on your piece and figure out what differentiates it... That thing that makes it brave, new and not every other story the readers read. That's what will hook them, and you're pitch exists strictly for that purpose.

Depending on how far you are into the development process, you might also want to rethink the amnesia angle. It's simply overused, unless you've got something really sharp you want to do with it.

Best of luck!

[Finnegan]

i may not be much of a writer, but i know about story. i say simplify. i know everyone wants to write a magnum opus epic, but in doing so, often the true goal is lost. Is this a character story? is this a story about the world that's inhabited? How does either change? change is interesting

also... why does everyone write stories with character names that sound like they're taken right out of a soap opera? there's a certain quality that comes from giving a character a name that doesn't scream "total uber bad-ass". contrast is interesting too.

focus your story. there are many stories to tell, and many genres of story. you don't have to put them all into one. maybe you can reuse this world, and tell several stories that occur in it. you could tell one story in it that's a crime story, one thriller, one gothic (not even really sure what you mean by this), and whatever else chokes your chicken

i think you have a lot of ideas, and that kicks ass. just maybe try not to overload the reader


=BoB=

[Transbot9]

Thanks, that helps a lot. I guess I've always known it, but sometimes one just has to hear it from someone else.

[Spectre-7]

Well, take it and make it better. It ain't gonna write itself, buck-o!

[Transbot9]

Oh, I'm not giving up that easily. Is this a little better pitch?

"It started as a routine job, hired for a simple information pick-up for a government agency. Now I'm stuck with a creepy android and a price on my head."

Hrm..still a little weak. Back to the scribble-pad...

[Spectre-7]

Color me easy, but you change one word and I'm sold.

"It started as a routine job, hired for a simple information pick-up for a government agency. Now I'm stuck to a creepy android..."

If I might recommend a technique... Open up a word-processor and just start spitting out pitch lines, without erasing a thing (except maybe typos). Start with the absolute worst thing you can think of, then follow with any old bullshit that comes to mind. I've found that the more you play with your ideas, and especially, the more you have fun with them, the more intriguing the end result will be. Also great at parties (well, really boring writer parties).