Script for Unreal City, Issue 1

[beejunk]

Here's a first draft of a script I'm working on. I'd love to hear any and all crits and comments anyone may have.

A few preliminary notes: My panel and character descriptions can be very sparse, partly because it's my first run through, but mosty because I'll be drawing this story myself. I have in mind basically how I'll be pencilling all of this, so in many cases I leave descriptions to just a few words. Any critiques you all have on the general story, but especially panel pacing, dialogue, and characterization would be very helpful.

Since the script dives right into the story with no setup, I'll point out here that the main characters are Eli (short for Elihu) and Lori (short for Loreli), who work at a bookstore called The End of the Road Books. The story is pretty much about their relationship, and how they both have an odd problem with 'seeing monsters', so to speak. I'll leave it at that and see what you all think.

Oh, and my apologies if the format of the dialogue is strange. The dialogue is all indented in the actual script, but that doesn't translate at all onto the boards.

****************************

Unreal City
Issue 1 – Birth or Death?
By Brian David

PAGE 1-

1-Small panel, upper left area of page, overlapping panel 2 slightly. All these panels should be a good ways in from the edge of the page. The layout should stress bareness and emptiness.

This panel consists of a close up of Eli’s eyes, half closed, looking down.

2-Larger panel, center of page. Eli is sitting on the floor, cross-legged, in the middle of a sparsely furnished apartment. There are boxes of books and clothes laying around, a few chairs, a drawing table, a computer, a picture here and there, and that’s about it. In his hands, Eli holds a dried, deep red rose. There is a noticeable scar on his wrist that looks like a line connected to the side of a circle.

ISSUE CREDITS
Chapter 1 – Birth or Death

3-Detail panel of Eli’s hands holding the dried rose.

PAGE 2-

1-Eli’s drawing table. Besides the regular art supplies, there is special attention paid to a square block of red clay on the floor underneath the table.

2-A record player that is apparently being used as a table. There is a portable CD player resting on the clear plastic cover of the player, along with a wooden puppet-like figure used for figure modeling, and a delicate seashell resting on a heavy pewter plate.

3-Next to an opened box of dishes we see a pair of kitschy plastic Tiki shot glasses.

4-A bass guitar leans against a large amplifier. On top of the amp head there are a few instrument cables and a framed pastel drawing of a young woman.

5-A backpack sits on the floor, surrounded by various books and notepads. Next to the backpack is a small, intricately carved wooden box.

ELI [CAPTION]
I remember the first time I saw the monster.

PAGE 3-

1-We see Eli as a young boy. He sits cross legged on the floor of a normal, lower-middle class living room, playing video games.

ELI [CAPTION]
I was ten years old, sitting in front of the T.V. playing video games.

I did that a lot back then.

Hell, I sill do that a lot.

2-Close in on young Eli’s face, wide eye and lit up by the flashing of the television screen.

LORI [CAPTION]
I didn’t play too many video games myself. Except for Super Mario Bros.

I loved Super Mario Bros.

ELI [CAPTION]
Who didn’t?

3-Eli’s Mom washes dishes in the kitchen sink. She has a distant look her eyes, a steely, emotionless stare.

ELI [CAPTION]
Anyway, my Mom was in the kitchen, washing dishes.

4-Closer in on the Mom.

ELI [CAPTION]
She had been real quiet the whole day.

PAGE 4-

1-A dish hits the kitchen floor, breaking loudly into a hundred pieces.

ELI [CAPTION]
Then out of nowhere, there’s this crashing sound that scares me shitless.

2-Young Eli jumps up nervously and looks over to kitchen.

ELI [CAPTION]
So I jump up and look over in the kitchen-

3-Eli’s Mom holds up another dish, preparing to launch it at the floor.

ELI [CAPTION]
-and there’s my Mom-

4-Another dish hits the floor, piece of broken porcelain fly everywhere.

ELI [CAPTION]
-just throwing dishes at the floor.

5-Another dish comes to a gruesome end.

ELI [CAPTION]
One after another.

6-Another dish, more shattering, yadda yadda.


PAGE 5-

1-Young Eli backs up towards the front door of the house.

ELI [CAPTION]
I wasn’t sure what to make of the whole thing, so I just got up and left.

LORI [CAPTION]
That’s understandable.

2-Young Eli steps out of the front door of his house.

ELI [CAPTION]
I figured I’d walk to the park or something.

Seemed like the place to go when you had no idea what to do.

3-Eli is stopped in his tracks when he sees a pair of little glowing lights down the street.

ELI [CAPTION]
But as I was walking down the street just outside my house, I noticed these two lights up ahead.

Two really strange little dots.

4-Closer in on the two lights. An obscure shape can be seen, covered in shadows.

PAGE 6-

1-A fish, about the size of Eli’s head, floats out of the darkness. It seems to be swimming through the air, propelled by fins that look like billowing flames.

ELI [CAPTION]
And. . .and then this fish comes out of the shadows - floating on the air, coming right towards me.

2- Closer in on the floating fish.

ELI [CAPTION]
All I could do was stand there, stunned. Entranced, really. The thing was actually quite pretty.

3-The boy slowly steps towards the fish, in awe.

ELI
I had the urge to touch it, I don’t know why. Probably because I was a kid and kids do stupid things like that.

4-Close in on Eli’s hand, reaching towards the grinning fish.

5-Young Eli backs up and begins to run away.

ELI [CAPTION]
But then I realized what the hell I was doing, and took off back into my house.

PAGE 7-

1-Eli’s hands, drying a cup over a sink.

LORI [OFF-PANEL]
All in all, that doesn’t sound too bad.

2-Eli and Lori are standing in the break room of The End of the Road Books. Eli is drying a cup in the sink, while Lori stands nearby.

LORI
As far as monsters go, you could do much worse than a small floating fish.

3-Eli sets his glass in the dish strainer and looks up.

ELI
Oh, it’s not so small anymore.

4-Setting the glass down, Eli walks towards the door of the breakroom.

LORI
What about your Mom? What happened with her?

ELI
Nothing.

I went back inside and she had already cleaned up the mess - and that was that. She didn’t say a word, and we’ve never talked about it since.

It was like it never happened.

5-Eli is halfway through the door of the breakroom.

ELI
I was more worried that my Dad would be pissed when he found out about the whole thing.

PAGE 8-

1-Walking out of the break room, the two continue their conversation. This large panel shows the backroom of The End of the Road in full detail.

LORI
So, how long have you worked here?

ELI
A little over a year.

LORI
Must be a pretty good place to work then, eh?

ELI
I would say so.

I mean, it’s the first job I’ve had where I didn’t wake up in the morning and think, “Shit, I’ve got to go to work.”

4-Lori and Eli continue walking forward, towards the door that leads to the front of the store. Eli picks up a random book that’s lying around.

ELI
Besides, it’s all books. How stressful could it be?

PAGE 9-

1-The two walk out of the backroom door and into the main area of the store. Tall shelves of books rise up all around them, and customers meander through the aisles.

ELI
How about you, what do you think so far?

LORI
I’m not sure yet. I love books and all that, but these things always depend on what kind of people you work with, y’know?

2-Atmosphere shot of the bookstore. Make it interesting, dammit.

3-The journey through the bookstore continues.


LORI
Okay, so I’ve got a question for you.

ELI
Um, alright.

LORI
Let’s say you were stranded on an island in the middle of the ocean and you could only bring three things – a book, a CD, and another person. What would you bring?

4-Eli and Lori.

ELI
What would I use to play the CD?

LORI
Don’t be silly, it’s just a hypothetical question.

5-Eli smiles and thinks.

ELI
Heh, okay.

Hmm. . .

6-Similar to last panel.

ELI
I think I’d have to go with a collection of T.S. Elliot poems, Tool’s “Aenima”, and—

--uh--I don’t know.

I’m not sure who I’d bring with me.

PAGE 10-

1-Eli and Lori are now nearing the counter where customers go to sell books to the store.

ELI
What about you? What would you choose?

LORI
Oh. Um. . .

2-Lori looks contemplative.

LORI
“Siddhartha” by Herman Hesse. . .Can’s “Ege Bamyasi”. . .and my dear Mom, of course.

ELI
Of course.

SAM [OFF-PANEL]
Hey, Eli!

3-Eli and Lori are at the buy counter now. Sam, the store manager, is looking over some very, very dirty books, while a couple of other employee’s mill around the cubes in the background.

SAM [SMALL LETTERS]
Christ, why do people even try to sell this crap?

ELI
What’s up, Sam?

SAM
Same old, same old. I see you’ve met Lori.

ELI
Indeed I have.

SAM
Good, good. If you wouldn’t mind working the register for a little bit, maybe you can start showing her some of the basics.

ELI
No problem.

4-Eli nods his head towards the register and begins to walk over to the counter.

ELI
Shall we?

PAGE 11-

1-The two step up to the counter.

ELI
Since we’re giving each other the third degree and all, let me ask you--

--have you ever seen any monsters?

2-Close in on Lori’s face. Her expression is sadly amused.

3-Detail on one of Lori’s eyes. It’s heavily dilated.

LORI
Who hasn’t?

PAGE 12-

1-Eli is driving in his beat up blue Festiva down the roads of East Mesa, AZ, listening to Burning Airlines in his CD player.

BURNING AIRLINES [MUSIC]
Where did my father find this photograph?

2-Eli leans forward a little, a confused look on his face.

ELI
Hm?

BURNING AIRLINES [MUSIC]
Where is the spite? The narrowed eyes?

3-Through the front window, we can see that there is a man walking across the intersection ahead, dragging a large cross over his shoulders.

BURNING AIRLINES [MUSIC]
She was so beautiful in black and white.
Anywhere else, would I recognize this smile?

4-Eli makes a turn just before the intersection into a secluded driveway.

ELI
****ing weird.

BURNING AIRLINES [MUSIC]
Is it like mine?

PAGE 13-

1-Driving down the dirt road, Eli passes Medb, who looks very sour.

BURNING AIRLINES [MUSIC]
Was this before she died--

2-A closer shot of Medb and her angry, angry expression.

BURNING AIRLINES [MUSIC]
--from making the best of it?

3-Further down the road, Eli pulls into a parking spot next to a row of mailboxes.

4-Eli steps out of the Festiva. In the background we can see a row of apartments.

5-Eli heads down a dirt path towards Lori’s studio.

PAGE 14-

1-We see Eli’s hand reaching up and knocking on Lori’s door.

2-The door opens slightly, and Lori’s eyes become visible in the opening.

LORI
Oh, hey, you’re here! I wasn’t sure if you were coming.

ELI
Why wouldn’t I?

LORI
Oh – um, I don’t know.

3-Lori is still holding the door mostly closed. Eli stands there looking at her. There’s a pregnant pause.

4-Same as last panel.

ELI
So, um, mind if I come in?

LORI
Yes – uh, I mean, no. Er—

Would you like to go for a walk?

5-Eli shrugs his shoulders.

ELI
Sure.

PAGE 15-

1-Eli and Lori stroll lazily around the grounds. Lori is holding a seashell in her hand, tossing it up and down.

ELI
This is a beautiful place. How long have you lived here?

LORI
Since last August. My aunt and uncle owns the store up front, and all of this property. They’ve been slowly changing it into this little paradise for the last fifteen years.

2-Walking through the grounds. Lori continues to toss the shell up and down.

ELI
What brought you out here?

LORI
Oh, you know, self-imposed spiritual exile and all that.

ELI
Sounds interesting.

LORI
Oh, believe me, it’s not.

3-Similar to last scene. A lull in the conversation. While Lori continues to toss the shell.

4-Eli looks quizzically at Lori.

ELI
What’s with the seashell?

LORI
This? Now that is an interesting story.

ELI
Do tell.

PAGE 16-

1-Close in on a pair of dark, sly eyes. This is Medb.

LORI [CAPTION]
I have this friend, the only person I’ve really hung out with since I moved.

She’s a strange one, that’s for sure. Has an odd name, something like Medu — or maybe Medib — or whatever. I just call her Mab.

ELI [CAPTION]
Mab?

2-The view pulls out to more fully show Medb, reaching up off the panel. This second panel should cover the rest of the page.

LORI [CAPTION]
Yeah, Mab. For some reason, that’s what comes to mind when I look at her. And she seemed to think it was funny, so it stuck.

PAGE 17-

1-Lori is walking up to the door of a shabby looking trailer.

LORI [CAPTION]
I was bored, so I decided I drop by Mab and her boyfriend Bert’s trailer.

ELI [CAPTION]
Mab and Bert?

LORI [CAPTION]
Yes, Mab and Bert.

Never a dull moment with Mab and Bert.

2-Lori peaks her head through the door of Medb’s trailer.

LORI
Hello?

MEDB [OFF-PANEL]
Hey, Lori. What’s up?

3-Lori walks meekly into the trailer, unsure of what to expect. She looks up and seems a little surprised by what she sees.

LORI
Um, not much. Bored as ****.

What the hell are you doing?

PAGE 18-

1-From over Lori’s shoulder, Medb can be seen standing on a chair and reaching up to stick a seashell on the wall. On the floor of the trailer is a large pile of seashells of every size and shape, and a lot of Elmer’s glue. It seem Medb’s been up to this for a long time, since the wall is covered in strange geometric designs made from seashells.

MEDB
What’s it look like I’m doing? I’m decorating.

LORI
Riiight.

2-Medb gets off her chair and leans down to pick up a seashell.

MEDB
Aren’t they beautiful, darling?

3-Medb holds one of the shells up in front of Lori’s face.

LORI
Yeah, they’re lovely.

Where did they all come from?

PAGE 19-

1-Medb walks over to Lori, moving like a cat stalks its prey.

MEDB
The ocean, of course.

I’m glad you came by. I was getting lonely.

2-Medb holds a shell out to Lori.

MEDB
Here, have one.

3-The shell changes hands.

MEDB
They’re good luck.

4-Back at the grounds around Lori’s apartment, Lori hands Eli the shell.

LORI
And that is what’s with the seashell.

Now, because to share is to care, I think I will give this to you.

ELI
Well, thank you. I’m honored.

PAGE 20-

1-Atmosphere shot of the grounds. It’s dark outside, and there are a lot of lovely lamps and various other interesting light sources around. The plant life is vibrant, to say the least.

2-More detail of the scenery as Lori and Eli continue to walk in silence.

3-The view closes in on Lori and Eli.

LORI
So, you say like T.S. Elliot, huh?

ELI
That’s right.

LORI
Why don’t you tell me one of his poems?

4-Eli looks over at Lori, left eyebrow raised in amusement.

ELI
You can’t really expect me to just pull a whole poem out of my ass.

LORI
Oh, come on, you have to remember at least one. Just a little part, even, maybe a sentence or two.

5-Eli furrows his eyebrow, searching his brain.

ELI
Hmm. . .well. Let me think.

Okay, here’s a small bit I remember, my favorite part from the ‘Journey of the Magi.’

PAGE 21-

1-Lori and Eli walk side by side as Eli recites the poem.

ELI
‘All this was a long time ago, I remember, and I would do it again—

2-A rear view of Lori and Eli walking down a path in the garden.

ELI
‘—but set down this, set down this:‘

‘—were we led all this way for Birth or Death? There was a birth, certainly, we had evidence and no doubt.’

3-The two begin to shrink in the distance.

ELI
‘I had seen birth and death, but I had thought they were different.’

‘This birth was hard and bitter agony for us, like Death. Our death.’

4-Similar to the last panel, Eli and Lori are a little farther. There’s an awkward silence.

5-Similar to the last panel, Lori and Eli are still farther down.

LORI
What’s all that mean?

ELI
I have no idea.

LORI
Kind of morbid sounding, don’t you think.

ELI
Yeah, a little.

END ISSUE 1

[kroberts]

I think the idea for the story is somewhat compelling: two people coming together and bonding because they share a unique trait, but you seem to be all over the place. You start with Eli alone, then jump to a childhood flashback, then jump to him working with Lori, then jump to him visiting Lori with an abitrary and bizarre sighting on the road, then jump into Lori's flashback and none of this really amounts to anything. What is the story? Where's the conflict? Since I hace no idea where you are going it's hard for me to give you any suggestions. I will point out of few things that jumped out at me.

How is the reader supposed to distinguish between the Lori and Eli captions early on when Lori has not been introduced yet?

The captions on Page 3 seem redundant when the illustrations tell the story clearly enough.

The two do a lot of talking, which I like...I'm big on dialog, but not much insight into the characters is revealed...and the conversation from Eli's point of view seems odd since he just met this girl and is already telling her about a wacky mom and a floating fish.

I like the overlay of the lyrics while he's driving, even though I am unfamiliar with the band or the tune.

The appearance of Medb before we know who she is along with the man carring the cross is confusing as is Eli's sudden and seemingly uninvited visit to Lori. Lori's flashback regarding Medb doesn't tell us much other than the woman has an affinity for seashells. What's the point? You've inroduced her as seemingly menacing but the flashback does not give us any kind of hint as to why she'd be that way.

The story moves slowly and seems disjointed to me, but I don't think it is boring. I just think you need to take a direction and give the reader some sort of idea as to where you are going with things.

What do you think?

[beejunk]

Thanks for the crits, Kroberts. A lot of the ideas for this story are still very shaky to me, so your input is invaluable.

I wanted to create a very disconnected, dream-like story, which is why the secnes keep jumping back and forth between different points in Lori and Eli's relationship. There a few major influences on the story, one of them being T.S. Elliot's poetry, especially the Wasteland. (Which is where the name of the series is taken.) In the Wasteland, Elliot uses a harshly disjointed narrative that would wildly fluctuate between scenes, images, and even languages. He also relied heavily on literary reference, to the point where it almost feels that the entire poem is a quote or paraphrase of something else. I wanted to try to do that, just with modern poetry and music, such as the Burning Airlines lyrics as Eli drives to Lori's apartment. I see what you're saying about the slow movement of the story and the initial lack of conflict. I wanted to make the first part almost all settting and build up, and leave the major plot points for the next issues.

I'll distinguish between Lori and Eli at the beginning by making the captions different colors, or in this case, shades since I'll probably print this up as a b&w mini-comic. I might also use different fonts for the two. It's not too important to know exactly who the other person is at first, only that it's someone else speaking.

The captions for that flashback on page 3 are redundant, but since it's meant to be Eli telling this as a story to Lori, I'm not sure if I want to take them out. Although, now that I think about it, the scene probably would work fine without the captions and still be able to make a clear transition to the next part. All the lettering will be done in Illustrator, so I can try it both ways when I get the pencils done and see how it goes.

What you're saying about Eli telling all this stuff to Lori when they've just met is definately something that I've been mulling over. You see, initially when I started this story, I thought I might make it so that everybody in this world saw monsters in some form or another, and so telling another person your monster story would be the same as saying, "Hey, what's your sign?" But I don't know if I'm going to go in that direction. I did want to play up the immediate connection the two have, though. Eli finds Lori to have a very open and disarming personality, so he has no problem telling her these things even if they've just met. I'll see if I can focus on that aspect a little more, to make the whole thing fit better.

Medb's first appearance is hard to interpret out of context, since it'll be a while before the story explains who she is and what she's doing. As for the man with the cross, that truly is entirely arbitrary, as you point out. The scene is based entirely on a personal experience I had in East Mesa, AZ. I was sitting at a stop light on the way to a friend's house when this guy hauling a big cross just crosses the street. It was really weird. I later learned that the guy was attempting to cross the entire country carrying the cross, to show his devotion to Christ or whatever. That whole part is just there to give an idea of the type of place Lori and Eli live in. I was thinking about adding in a few of the screwed up billboards they had there, too, such as one that said "Everyone is going to die one day. Maybe today. Where you'll spend eternity? Read the Bible!" There was also another one that had a picture of a young girl sitting on the hood of a cop car with a caption that read "Meth is child abuse." It was all very funny. And bizarre.

On a side note, the structure of the issues will center around the items from the first scene - i.e. the seashell, the slab of clay, the pastel picture, and so on. So the story about Medb was there not only to highlight the continual references to the ocean that'll keep popping up, but also just to show where Eli got the seashell.

Like I said, all of this is really still swimming around chaotically in my head, so I appreciate your critiques very much. I'll see if I can rework the script to make some of the ideas more clear.

[kroberts]

I missed the connection with Lori's seashell with that of the one introduced on page two. Maybe you're introducing too many objects at once at that point in the story? You can always reference back to that scene and show another object in his room when it becomes pertinant to the story. Are the open box of plates suppossed to coincide with his mother's penchant for breaking them?

I really like the fact that you intertwine the lyrics and the literature with and within the story.

I think the scene with the man carrying the cross could be a strong symbolic element, especially with all of the referneces to birth and death. To throw in an image of re-birth is interesting. My confusion came from wether or not it was an actual man or one of Eli's "sightings". Perhaps you could dedicate a bit more to the event...I think including the road signs would be great idea. For some reason I get a David Lynch type of vibe from the story, which is a good thing from my perspective...describing Medb as having a "sour" look just made me think Twin Peaks for some reason...

Once you nail down what direction your going to take these characters and what significance the "monsters" have I think you'll be golden.

I'm also very interested in seeing your art work.

By the way, you can call me Kyle.