More to Come, Thanks Guys!
Page One:
Panel 1:
Cu Shot of Helena Bertinelli, The Huntress. Blood drips from her mouth and down to her chin.
Victor Zsasz (Off Panel)
They think I'm sick. They think I'm cold and malicious.
Caption (Huntress)
I'm so pissed at myself, right now.
Panel 2:
Victor Zsasz looks deep into her eyes.
Zsasz
What do you think?
Caption (Huntress)
Carelessness and impulsiveness has brought me here.
Panel 3:
Same as Panel 2 but, Victor holds a knife to her throat.
Zsasz
Do you think of me as sadistic?
Caption (Huntress)
Gotta figure a way out of this.
Panel 4:
We zoom out a bit and see that Huntress is lying on the ground of an old building, tied down. Victor is on top of her, holding a knife.
Zsasz
Do you, Helena?
Caption (Huntress)
God dammit. It’s hard to imagine that this all happened with the Batman.
I don't think a comma is needed in here.Originally posted by Eye of Rain
Caption (Huntress)
I'm so pissed at myself, right now.
I believe it should be 'Carelessness and impulsiveness have brought me here'
Caption (Huntress)
Carelessness and impulsiveness has brought me here.
Minor grammatical stuff are the only problems I see. That Zsasz is a crazy mofo, can't wait to find out the rest of the story and how Huntress got into this position.
Page 1, panel 1
Cu, to my knowledge, is not a regular abbreviation for “Close up”… I am assuming that is what you meant. Avoid abbreviations that haven’t been justified first. Bad, very bad… not everyone is going to know what your abbreviation means. If you want to use them, first, always spell it out then use your abbreviation in parenthesis afterward to let any future reader know what the abbreviation means. Like so
“Close up (c/u)”
(I also suggest using the slash to show it is two words)
After you justify the abbreviation, you can feel free to use it from then on out. The thing is, while it might be obvious to you, you have no idea who will be reading it and what they might think you mean… what if your artist turned out to speak your language as their second language… they might not realize what you are trying to say.
Also, DestroyAll is right, no comma there.
Page 1, panel 2
ug… I’m not sure of the tense of the dialogue… must be brain farting here. I’d go with “have” also, but “had” might be appropriate too.
Page 1, panel 4
“…the ground(s) of an old building”? Like, around the outside of it? Or did you mean on the roof of an old building as if it was the ground? I’m not sure where this is taking place.
Short but sweet, thems jest me thoughts... hope there is osmething there that helps.
Life without violence?
How?
Thanks guys.
I think HAS is right because she is talking in present tense. And i've seen CU as a standard for CLOSE UP in a lot of scripts that i have read.
And i do realize now that i need to clarify panel 4 more.
Page Two:
Panel 1:
Establishing shot of Gotham City, night.
Caption (Huntress)
Welcome to Gotham City. Store alarms and gun shots aren’t a disturbance here, their the voice of the city. A lullaby that put’s it’s citizens to sleep at night.
Panel 2:
The Huntress’s hand pushes a thugs face into a wall.
Caption (Huntress)
I was always fond of change.
Panel 3:
Huntress slugs another thug in the face while the one from Panel 2 falls to the ground. In the BG a thug runs toward her with a knife.
Caption (Huntress)
They don’t respect me.
Panel 4:
She grabs the thug’s, from BG of Panel 3, arm and throws him over her body.
Caption (Huntress)
They think I’m crazy.
Panel 5:
Huntress crouches down, breathing heavily.
Page Three:
Panel 1:
Large shot filling ½ top of the page we zoom out and see the beaten bodies of the thugs scattered across the alley with Huntress in the center.
Batman (Off Panel)
You’re making progress.
Huntress: What do you want?
Panel 2:
Batman comes out of the shadows.
Batman
At about 2:35 p.m. a jewelry store on Winston Ave. was robbed. The thugs piled about 2.5 million in merchandise before they decided that the sound of sirens was the too close. They thought they got away.
Panel 3:
The Huntress rises slowly.
Huntress
But, they didn’t.
Panel 4:
On Batman, walking towards the Huntress.
Batman
I see the thugs...
Panel 5:
CU on Huntress looking half startled but, half expecting what Batman says.
Batman (Off Panel)
...but I don’t see the 2.5 million.
Page Four:
Panel 1:
Huntress begins to walk off, toward her bike.
Batman
Where are you going?
Huntress
I’m done with this.
Panel 2:
Huntress picks up her bike.
Huntress
None of you can just trust me.
Panel 3:
Batman walks over to her, getting in her face.
Batman
What will you do? Go rouge?
Panel 4:
Huntress pauses and turns to him.
Huntress
No, I’m going to give you what you all want.
Panel 5:
Huntress gets on her bike.
Panel 6:
She rides away, leaving Batman in the dust.
Originally posted by Eye of Rain
Page Two:
Welcome to Gotham City. Store alarms and gun shots aren’t a disturbance here, their the voice of the city. A lullaby that put’s it’s citizens to sleep at night.
I like this caption, except for the 'Welcome to' part. I would go with just 'Gotham City.' It sounds more like she is thinking than telling someone a story that way.
Maybe use 'She grabs the arm of the thug from the backround of Panel 3' It's just a little more clear, even though I'm sure the artist would understand if you left it as it was.
Panel 4:
She grabs the thug’s, from BG of Panel 3, arm and throws him over her body.
I like the last three panels a lot.
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