second attempt at my first seq

[franchise]

well I took all off your advises and made a second attempt to draw the seq

i hope the story tells itself this time

c&c more than welcome

[xadrian]

Don't know what advice you got previously so I'll just jump in here.

- Use some gutters. You've got a lot of panels (10?) and it could use some breaking up, otherwise you get bleeds like panels 3 and 8, where I thought someone was kicking the guy in the head.

- Watch for tangents. This is a hard one for some people, but it just takes a second. Scan your eye along the story and see if anything pulls you into a direction you don't want to go, or you're unsure of. Most of the time it's just bad story telling, but sometimes there's a tangent between panels. (Some times it's between elements of one panel, an elbow and a light post) In your case, panel 2 and 5, the guys draw strings bleed into the right side of his hood in p5, making my eye want to drop there instead of move to p3. Long winded, sorry.

- Consistancy. Is this all one guy having a dream? In p9 he's bald, in p10 he's sitting in bed with hair? P1 is on a ledge, but p2 there's a brick wall behind him?

- P8 is ok, but you've got enough brick wall shots before then that the ground looks like another brick wall, so it doesn't look like he's on the ground. Either change the angle or put in some identifiably ground elements; the sidewalk, a trash can, or trash, a flower bed.

- Angles on the whole need some juicing up. These aren't bad, they just aren't poping yet. P10 is the best one, good BEV of the room.

It's going the right way, just some nit picks really.