I'm new to this scene peoples. I've been writin' for whizzl and I'm always looking for others to work and grow with. I humbly submit a short for your scrutiny, it's a little action diddy, let me know how you like it.
Action! By Ron Austin
Alonzo: 5’8”, 175 lb. Hispanic male. He has a tight, wiry build and has short, spiked hair. He wears black jeans, a black shirt, and sneakers. A brutal mastery of the marital arts is at his disposal.
phu “the slicer” Jin: 5’6”, 150 lb. Asian male. He wears a blue leisure suit, a tie, sun-glasses and blue gator loafers. His hair is close cut. He’s short but quick and strong. Two sharp daggers are his tools in a fight.
Yvonne: 5’4”, 120 lb. black female. She has a nice womanly build, and wears a sun dress. She’s the typical damsel in distress.
Page One- Five Panels. One on the first tier, One on the second tier, and three on the third tier.
Page One, Panel One- Wide shot. Grimy, piss-yellow light glowers from the dingy hanging ceiling lamps of an abandoned warehouse. Random crates are strewn about, chains are dangling from the ceiling and typical warehouse machinery(forklifts, golf-carts, etc.) are all part of the background. Reddish-orange dusk light filters in through the cracked and/or busted out warehouse windows. ALONZO is tied to a chair, and struggling furiously as he burns through PHU, who’s standing in front of ALONZO and mocking him with a knife, with angry eyes. HENCHMEN #1 and #2 are to the sides of ALONZO, and HENCHMAN #3(he has a gun in his suit) stands at PHU’S side. YVONNE is strung up to the ceiling by a weak looking rusty chain, gagged, and suspended over a mass of black explosives. A big digital timer is set in front of the explosives. It’s counting down from 6:59. Some light comes in through double doors a wide distance away from wear YVONNE is suspended.
1)PHU- THOUGHT YOU WERE PRETTY DAMN SMART, DIDN’T YOU?
2)PHU- #$%*ING 5-0, ALL THE SAME, THINKING WE’RE DUMB, LIKE NONE OF MY BOYS WOULD NOTICE YOU SWITCHIN’ FACES ALONZO.
3)PHU- AND GETTIN’ MY GIRL YVONNE IN ON IT, THAT‘S CLEVER, COLD, BUT REAL CLEVER.
Page One, Panel Two- Slightly angled shot from behind ALONZO. PHU is bent down and is in ALONZO’S face with a dagger and a sneer as cold as the dagger’s thin, steel edge. ALONZO has his teeth gritted in a cool, calculating fury. YVONNE can be seen in the background, wriggling the chain desperately like a worm on a hook. The keep a careless watch on the situation. The bomb timer reads 6:14.
4)PHU- SHREDDING YOU AND THAT SKANK TO BEEF JERKY WAS WHAT I WAS FEELIN’ TO DO...BUT BLOWING YOU UP TO CHUNKS....
5)PHU- THAT SHIT IS TRUE CLEVER, CUZ’ I CAN GET RID OF THE EVIDENCE TOO!
6)PHU- YOU FEEL STUPID NOW, DON’T YOU?
Page One, Panel Three- Side shot. PHU leans in a little closer to ALONZO, he’s about to press the blade to ALONZO’S cheek
7)PHU- LET ME GET A LITTLE LICK THOUGH, CUT YOU FOR CUTTIN’ MY GIRL....
8)ALONZO- TOUCH ME, OR YVONNE PHU AND....
Page One, Panel Four- ALONZO yells as he deftly kicks the knife out of PHU’S hand and up into the air, PHU is caught completely unaware. The henchmen are all surprised as well.
9)ALONZO- YOU’RE DEAD!
10)PHU- THE !@$#
Page One, Panel Five- ALONZO kicks PHU in the chest with a feline like quickness as the knife can be seen plummeting down behind ALONZO’S chair, about to cut him free from the ropes. HENCHMEN #1 and #2 are moving to restrain ALONZO.
Page Two- Six Panels. Three panels on tier one and three panels on tier two. Panel one will be a vertical slit, the following two panels will be squares of the same size. Panel Five will be larger square, to show impact.
Page Two, Panel One- Close up of The knife coming down behind the chair and cutting the ropes.
Page Two, Panel Two- ALONZO tips himself backwards in the chair as he delivers a stunning double split kick to the faces of HENCHMEN #1 and #2.
3)SFX(KICK CONNECTING)- PAK! PAK!
4)HENCHMEN #1 AND #2- UGH!
Page Two, Panel Three- ALONZO tumbles off of the chair and stands in a strong fighting stance, his eyes are set on PHU who holds his chest in pain with on hand, searches for a dagger in his suit pocket with the other and shouts at his henchmen.
5)PHU- KILL HIS ASS!
Page Two, Panel Four- Before HENCHMEN #1 and #2 have a moment to react, ALONZO is upon them, raining a thundering flurry of front leg wheel, side, and hook kicks. He rapidly alternates between hitting the two, and striking specific areas of their bodies(the groin, face, chest, and the back of the head). After images, or a blur effect should be used to convey the speed of the kicks. HENCHMEN #1 and #2 are reeling with the swift, successive, painful strikes and their faces are becoming cut, swollen, and bloody.
7)SFX(KICKS CONNECTING)- TAK! TAK! TAK! TAK! TAK!
8)HENCHMAN #1- ERK!
9)HENCHMAN #2- OOPF!
Page Two, Panel Five- ALONZO finishes both HENCHMEN #1 and #2 with a bone shattering spinning hook kick. HENCHMAN #1 is sent twirling in the air with the circular velocity of the kick, and HENCHMAN #2 receives the blunt, skull cracking force of ALONZO’S powerful maneuver.
11)HENCHMAN #1- WHAAH!
12)SFX(KICK CONNECTING)- WHAP! CRAK!
Page Two, Panel Six- Angled shot from behind ALONZO as he dashes at HENCHMAN #3 who sweats nervously as he pulls his gun.
Page Three- Seven Panels. Three panels on the top tier, one large open panel on the second tier, and three panels on the bottom tier.
Page Three, Panel One- Side shot. HENCHMAN #3 holds a shaky gun up to ALONZO’S face. ALONZO pauses in his tracks, but keeps his body loose, relaxed, and ready to explode. PHU is flipping his stripped dagger up off the ground and into his hand with his foot.
1)PHU- BLAST ON HIM!
Page Three, Panel Two- ALONZO acts with lighting speed as he traps HENCHMAN #3’s gun arm(ALONZO’S trap contains HENCHMAN #3 at his wrist, and the bend of his arm, it happens forcefully, causing pain, so that HENCHMAN #3 fumbles the gun). A haphazard shot fires from the as the HENCHMAN #3 clenches his fist in agony.
3)HENCHMAN #3- AGGH!
Page Three, Panel Three- Following up the trap, ALONZO throws a nose busting back fist into HENCHMAN #3’S face.
6)HENCHMAN #3- UGK!
Page Three, Panel Four- shot of YVONNE squirming over the pile of explosives, pure fear is in her eyes. The bomb timer reads: 4:39.
Page Three, Panel Five- ALONZO finishes HENCHMAN #3 with a body breaking kneeling reverse punch, that sends HENCHMAN #3 sailing.
8)SFX(PUNCH BREAKING HENCHMAN #3’S RIBS)- CRAAK!
9)HENCHMAN #3- URRRAGH!
Page Three, Panel Six- PHU screams in utter rage as he begins to charge at ALONZO(OP).
10)PHU- I’LL BURY YOU!
Page Three, Panel Seven- ALONZO is still in a half kneeling position, he turns his head just in time to see PHU rushing at him with gleaming knives in hand. ALONZO’S demeanor is alert, but calm.
Page Four- Five Panels. Two panels on the first tier, two panels on the second tier, and one long, horizontal panel on the third tier.
Page Four, Panel One- ALONZO does a double rolling thrust kick, aiming to hit PHU in the abdomen and push himself forward so that he can rise in a fighting stance, but PHU pulls back just in time to avoid ALONZO’S feet and dodges the strike.
Page Four, Panel Two- ALONZO has rolled up to his feet, but is unfortunately met with a well timed slice to the mid-section from PHU. A trail of blood follows the arc of PHU’S slice.
1)PHU- BLEED BITCH, BLEED!
2)SFX(BLADE SLICE)- SHWIKK!
Page Four, Panel Three- PHU attacks with a flurry of slashes coming from both daggers, ALONZO can only cover up and protect himself, lest he opens a vital area to attack. He covers with his forearms, his wrists are turned inward, and his elbows are close to his body. Blood flies with the speed of the daggers slicing.
4)SFX(DAGGERS)- SCHWIK! SCHWIK! SCHWIK!
Page Four, Panel Four- PHU pushes ALONZO back with a hard-hitting front thrust kick, as he flips the dagger in his left hand and prepares to deliver a follow through thrusting dagger strike. ALONZO keeps covered and has his concentration focused on PHU’S daggers.
6)SFX(KICK CONNECTING)- WHAP!
Page Four, Panel Five- YVONNE’S glassy eyes.
Page Five- Five Panels. On the first tier, A long horizontal panel. On the second tier, three panels. On the third tier, one large open panel. Panel Three will be a skinny, vertical slit.
Page Five, Panel One- The digital bomb timer reading: 2:48.
Page Five, Panel Two- To PHU’S terrible surprise, ALONZO counter’s his linear dagger thrust with a trap that stabs PHU in the chest with his own blade(the trap works by ALONZO swinging his forearm up into the bend of PHU’S arm, and then guiding the blade into PHU’S chest, by the wrist, with his other hand. ALONZO rotates in a strong fighting stance to drive the dagger deep).
3)SFX(DAGGER DRIVING IN)- SPRRILICH!
Page Five, Panel Three- ALONZO’S hand deftly pulling the dagger out of PHU’S chest, letting the appropriate blood spill out.
Page Five, Panel Four- ALONZO slices PHU’S neck with a diagonal spinning strike.
7)SFX(DAGGER SLICING PHU’S NECK)- SPLLLICH!
Page Five, Panel Five- This is the dramatic, slow motion end all finishing strike. Off the spinning momentum from his dagger slice, ALONZO rolls into a jump spinning inside crescent kick that leaves PHU devastated and twisting through the air.
Page Six- Eight Panels. Three panels on the first four panels on the second tier. One large panel on the third tier.
Page Six, Panel One- Thin vertical Panel. the timer reads: 1:02.
Page Six, Panel Two. PHU lies on the ground, choking on his own blood.
1)PHU- GRK! GRRK!
Page Six, Panel Three- Still using his momentum, ALONZO spins and throws the knife OP.
2)SFX(DAGGER HURLING THROUGH THE AIR)- SWWWIPF!
Page Six, Panel Four- The knife severs the links of the rusty chain binding YVONNE, she looks up in fright as it does so.
3)SFX(DAGGER HITTING CHAIN LINK)- CHIK!
Page Six, Panel Five- ALONZO dives over the explosives, and catches YVONNE in mid-air.
4)ALONZO- GOT YA’!
Page Six, Panel Six- ALONZO dashes for the light with YVONNE over his shoulder.
Page Six, Panel Seven- Thin vertical panel- The timer reads: 00:7.
Page Six, Panel Eight- ALONZO and YVONNE are close to the exit, but are propelled into the air by the force of the explosion. ALONZO has YVONNE tight in his arms, she squeezes her eyes shut in fear. This scene should feel slow motion.
1)SFX(BOMB EXPLOSION)- BWOOOSH!
Page Seven- Four panels. One large open panel on the first tier, then three panels on the second tier.
Page Seven, Panel One- The abandoned warehouse is burning in the freshly arrived night. YVONNE and ALONZO are two figures sitting in the grassy field outside.
Page Seven, Panel Two- ALONZO gently removes the gag from YVONNE’S mouth as he looks into her eyes with an expression of sincere concern.
1)ALONZO- YOU’RE NOT HURT, ARE YOU?
Page Seven, Panel Three- YVONNE grabs ALONZO’S face and kisses him tenderly. ALONZO is a little surprised.
Page Seven, Panel Four- YVONNE and ALONZO hold each other in the hot glow of flames.
Really digging the ending there!
The dialogue in this one is about as tight as I've seen in your work. Reminds me of Azzarello. You really need to make this one happen.
Yup, this is the last short script I wrote in a while, I think this one's definitely going on the wishlist!
Any other takers besides my boy?
I'll take it but you have to put up with me. Not so crazy about the dialogue in Page One...The set up is great but the dialogue seems stiff. From that point on, I love the character interaction and dialogue. The panels are crowd in certain points but that can be fixed with ease. Other than that, nothing left to say. I would say just as some advice...Your dialogue is strong like Bendis, so go to his site and check out some of his scripts to see how he sets up. BIG R, your on the right track. Later bro, K.
Thanks much for checkin' it out K'!
I'm busy as a mug yo',
I'll check out your script in a little!
Thanks again for reading!