Ghost Rider #4

[foxmerquise8]

Here is issue 4 of Ghost Rider. Sorry for the typos. Comments and critques welcome. Its 15 pages.

Page 1 ( Four Panels )

Panel 1
Ghost Rider is crouching on a tree branch as he looks down at Shinjuku and Zabato on the ground. Shinjuku's mask is torn on one side of his face, but you can't see that side because it is covered by shadows. The eye of Shinjuku's in the shadows is glowing red. A wintry forest scene is behind Ghost Rider.

Shinjuku - You're lucky you survived this long, but now it has to end.
Ghost Rider - Yes, it does have to end.

Panel 2
A shot of four horse hooves galloping along the snow covered ground.

Panel 3
Ghost Rider is now leaping off the branch and diving to the ground. You can see the branch he was just on, flung up from being jumped off.

Panel 4
Ghost Rider is landing on the back of a black stallion as it’s galloping at full speed. The horse has a mane of fire, which is giving off dying embers. Shinjuku and Zabato are seen jumping out of the way of the horse.


Page 2 ( Three Panels )

Panel 1
Ghost Rider is now riding the black stallion through the wintry forest; Shinjuku and Zabato are seen jumping out of the way of the horse.


Panel 2
The back of Ghost Rider and the stallion are seen in the distance; they're almost at the vanishing point. A trail of broken twigs and burnt branches was seen in the wake of the horse.

Panel 3
A shot of Shinjuku on one knee in the snow, Zabato is behind him. Shinjuku is grasping one side of his face; the hand he is grasping with is covered with blood. You can see blood dripping off this hand too.

CAPTION - And then the dream ended...

Page 3 ( Four Panels )

Panel 1
HAZUKI is lying in a traditional Japanese bed, the type that is situated on the floor. A blanket covers all of him, except his head. He is still asleep and has a distraught look on his face. The room he is in is the traditional, Japanese room, paper walls and such.

Panel 2
A shot of a young Asian woman (Kyoko) with long hair wearing a dull kimono is sitting next to the bed, she is smiling and wide-eyed. The camera shot is that of someone looking up at the girl, such as HAZUKI looking up from the bed at her through his ideas. The picture is blurred, showing that HAZUKI is just waking up.

Panel 3
This panel is the same picture as the last, except the picture is not blurred.

KYOKO - I see you’re awake.

Panel 4
HAZUKI is now sitting upright in the bed. He is looking at KYOKO with a confused expression on his face.

HAZUKI - Where am I?


Page 4 ( Four Panels )

Panel 1
KYOKO is now leaning toward HAZUKI, she has an extremely happy expression on her face. Her mouth is open, implying that she is talking.
KYOKO - I have so much to ask, who are you? Where did you come from? Did you see the brawl at the Takabacu?
Panel 2
HAZUKI now has his index finger over KYOKO's lips. KYOKO's eyes are directed at the finger.
HAZUKI - Slow down, can you just tell me where I am and how I got here, and then I'll answer all your questions.
Panel 3
KYOKO is now just sitting next to the bed and not leaning toward HAZUKI. A silhouette of a tall man is seen behind the paper wall behind KYOKO.
KYOKO - Ah, Sorry. I found you a mile away from the Takabacu. You were out cold, although you had no bruises on you. I brought you here, the School of the HAGARI HANZAI Sword Style.
HAZUKI - Well, thanks for your help, but I have to go.
KYOKO - But...
Panel 4
The door of the room HAZUKI and KYOKO is being slid open. This door is on the same wall that the silhouette was behind. You can see a hand sliding the door open.
Voice (coming from the door) - I suggest you answer my sister's questions.

Page 5 ( Four Panels )
Panel 1
A tall man (HAGARI) wearing a Japanese robe is standing by the door. He has a white blindfold wrapped around his eyes.
HAGARI - Since she cared for you, for two days while you were unconscious. Go make some stew for our guest KYOKO; I have to talk with him in private.
Panel 2
KYOKO is standing in front of HAGARI with her back facing the reader. HAGARI is still seen because he is taller the KYOKO.
KYOKO - Eh, sure, beef stew.
Panel 3
HAZUKI and HAGARI are now standing face to face in the middle of the room; the bed is behind them on the floor. The silhouette of the KYOKO walking down the hallway is seen behind the paper wall.
HAZUKI - Who are you?
HAGARI - I'm HAGARI HANZAI, my father, who I'm named after built this school. Now I run it. The one who took care of you was Kyoko, my sister.
HAZUKI - Well that’s nice and all, but I have to go and find out more about this Yakuza.
HAGARI - I see, then we have much to discuss.
Panel 4
A close up shot of HAZUKI's back and head against the panel, HAZUKI is facing HAGARI, who is walking out the door of the room.
HAGARI - Follow me.

Page 6 ( Three Panels )
Panel 1
HAZUKI and HAGARI are walking on a wooden arc bridge that goes over a small pond. Water is going under the bridge; lilies and cherry blossoms are floating in it. In the background is cherry blossom and evergreen trees that are in full bloom. It is noontime, so the sun is shining down on them.
HAGARI - Beautiful Garden, isn't it?
HAZUKI - Yes it is, but you said you knew something about the Yazuka.
HAGARI - I do, the Yakuza is a crime organization that has a very strong presence in Yokohamma. No one knows for sure who runs it, but I have my suspicions. The police are too busy with the assassinations to stop the Yakuza, so now their presence has become even stronger.
Panel 2
HAZUKI and HAGARI are walking on a dirt path, which runs along the river. There are a lot of colorful flowers along the path they are walking.

HAZUKI - Do you know why the assassins are killing off government officials; I'm looking for the ones that murdered my father.
HAGARI - Vengeance, huh? I was engulfed by the thought of revenge once, but now I'm wiser then that. I believe the Yakuza is somehow connected to the assassins; they are almost connected to every evil element in Yokohamma.
HAZUKI - Why did you want me to talk to me?
HAGARI - For this, HAZUKI... For this.


Panel 3
HAZUKI's and HAGARI's backs are facing the camera. Their heads are directed up, looking at a Japanese dojo situated at the top of a hill. This dojo is surrounded by a sparse amount of trees. There is a wooden staircase that zigzags up the hill to the dojo; it has a wooden railing too.

HAGARI - This is my family's dojo.
HAZUKI - That’s a way up.


Page 7 ( Four Panels )

Panel 1
HAZUKI and HAGARI are walking up the wooden staircase. Evergreen trees are sparsely around them.

HAGARI - I'm trying to train a group of my students for an assault on the Yakuza's base of operations, its time for Yokohamma's streets to become cleaner. If you can prove yourself against my students, then you can help us in our battle against the Yakuza.

HAZUKI - Why would I help you?

HAGARI - Because you think the Yakuza are linked to your father's murder. What better way to find what the Yakuza are up to, then invading their base. I don't think you have any better plans. Also, I think my sister has taken a liking to you; you don't want to go around breaking girls' hearts, do you?

HAZUKI - Humph

Panel 2
HAZUKI and HAGARI are standing in front of the dojo's door, which is made out of wood and is pretty large.

HAGARI - Before you go in, I know you have something to ask me, I'll give you the answer if you pass my trial.
HAZUKI - But how did you know?
HAGARI - Unless you’re an idiot, you would wonder how a blind man led you up a hill. Only fools follow the blind.
HAZUKI - And only fools lead blind
HAGARI - Your wiser than I thought

Panel 3
The dojo's door is now open revealing a large room with a polished wooden floor. There are sword racks and Japanese kanji scrolls all around the walls. In the middle of the room is four young men holding wooden swords, they are dressed in the traditional Japanese robes.

Panel 4
HAGARI is handing HAZUKI a wooden sword, they are in the dojo now and the four men are behind them.

HAGARI - You'll need this


Page 8 ( Four Panels )

Panel 1
Shot of HAZUKI in a fighting stance holding the handle of his sword with two hands, he is facing the four swordsmen who are also in the same stance.

HAZUKI - Lets go!

Panel 2
HAZUKI rushing toward the swordsmen, you can see speed lines around him because he is going so fast.

Panel 3
HAZUKI is ramming one swordsman into a wall, the wooden sword is falling out of the swordsman hand and blood is on his face. The other three swordsmen are looking onward in distress.

SWORDMAN - Hey! You can't do that!

Panel 4
HAZUKI is ducking a horizontal slash from one of the swordsmen.

HAZUKI - Watch me!


Page 8 ( Four Panels )

Panel 1
HAZUKI is undercutting the swordsman’s feet with his sword, the swordsman is on the way to falling down.

Panel 2
The swordsman is lying on the ground by HAZUKI's feet; HAZUKI is kicking up a wooden sword lying on the floor (like a soccer ball).

HAZUKI - Stay down.

Panel 3
HAZUKI is in another fighting pose, he is now holding two wooden swords, and he has an angry look on his face.


Panel 4
One of the swordsmen is above HAZUKI performing a downward slash and another is in front of HAZUKI slashing at him. HAZUKI is blocking both of them with his swords.


Page 9 ( Four Panels )

Panel 1
HAZUKI is leaning backward away from one swordsman. This swordsman is crouched on the ground like he just missed; the other swordsman is behind with a confused look on his face.

Panel 2
HAZUKI sends a kick to the swordsman that was on the ground; this sends this swordsman into the other one.

Panel 3
HAZUKI is standing in front of the two swordsmen who are lying on the ground; he is no longer holding the wooden swords.

HAZUKI - I played your little game, now what?

Panel 4
A worm's eye view of HAZUKI looks up at the roof.

Voice (coming from above) - Now this!

Page 10 ( Four Panels )

Panel 1
HAGARI is above HAZUKI and he is coming down hard and slashing downward at HAZUKI. HAGARI has a wooden sword.

Panel 2
HAGARI has hammered his sword into the ground, wood and debris is flying from the floor at the point of impact. HAZUKI is leaning back with a confused look on his face, looking at HAGARI.

Panel 3
HAGARI is getting up form the debit he just made; HAZUKI is still looking at him confused.

HAGARI - You past my final test.
HAZUKI - You could have killed me.
HAGARI - Yes, but if I was the Yakuza, I would've killed you.

Panel 4
HAGARI is handing HAZUKI a sword, which is in a beautifully detailed sheath. HAZUKI looks awe stroke.

HAGARI - You will need a real weapon to help in our battles against the Yakuza.
HAZUKI - Wow, you’re giving this to me, its beautiful.
HAGARI - Take care of it and use it with honor.


Page 11 ( Four Panels )

Panel 1
HAZUKI and HAGARI are walking out of the dojo; behind them are the swordsmen who are getting up from the floor.

HAGARI - Proceed with your training


Panel 2
HAZUKI and HAGARI are walking down the same path they walked down before, along the river. The sky is orange now because it is dusk.

HAGARI - Kyoko should be done with dinner now, she is a great cook.
HAZUKI - That’s great to hear, I haven't eaten since I was knocked out.

Panel 3
HAZUKI and HAGARI are now walking to a traditional Japanese house, it is nighttime now.

HAZUKI - I can smell the food from here

SFX - Crashhhhhhhhhhhh

HAGARI - What was that?
HAZUKI - We better hurry, Kyoko may be in trouble.


Panel 4
KYOKO is standing over a toppled metal pot with a look of dismay on her face. There is soup coming out the pot. She is outside.

KYOKO - I destroyed our dinner, I'm so clumsy.
VOICE - Its ok, we can go out to dinner tonight, to treat our new guest.


Page 12 ( Four Panels )

Panel 1
A fat, but built man (SAJERO) sitting in a large chair, he is wearing a sumo wrestler's outfit. Sinuous and Zapata are aside of him. They are in a large room that is decorated with bonsai trees and dragon statues.

SHINJUKU - Our employer has requested that you hunt and track down this skeletal swordsman, the one your forces encountered at the Takabacu.
SAJERO - Why can't you kill him yourself, my organization does not have the time to track down masked vigilantes.
SHINJUKU - He is not masked, and we ourselves are busy with the business of our employer. There will be a large reward for this swordsman's head.
SAJERO - Since you put it that way, I will get one of my top commanders on it.

Panel 2

KOBAYAKAWA is walking into the room that the others are in.

KOBAYAKAWA - I'm assuming that commander will be me, this swordsman escaped me the first time we fought, but that won't happen again.

Panel 3
SHINJUKU and ZABATO are walking out of the room and passing by KOBAYAKAWA.

SHINJUKU - Yes, he is a menace, I would dispatch him myself if I didn't have other business to attend too.

Panel 4
KOBAYAKAWA is now standing aside SAJERO who is sitting in his large chair.

SAJERO - I want this handled quickly and quietly Kobayakawa, I don't want anything coming up when I claim this town as my own.
KOBAYAKAWA - Don't worry, I have something special planned for our little swordsman.


Page 13 ( Four Panels )

Panel 1
HAGARI, HAZUKI, and KYOKO are sitting on the floor around a small table. They are eating noodles and soup from a bowl, HAZUKI is using chopsticks. They are in a small traditional Japanese room in the restaurant, behind HAZUKI is no wall, just the view of another room, similar to there own.

KYOKO - So HAZUKI, where are you from?

Panel 2
HAZUKI is putting his bowl down on the table. KYOKO is looking at him with a happy look on her face.

HAZUKI - A small town on one of the islands down south of here.
KYOKO - Wow, I would love to get out of town and tour the country. I heard it’s beautiful.
HAZUKI - Actually, its...
VOICE - Excuse me,

Panel 3
A waitress is now in the room, she is standing next to HAGARI, who is still sitting.

WAITRESS - Excuse me, Hagari-san, I think I have some info you might be interested in. Earlier today those Yakuza thugs were in here talking and drinking. The sake must have gotten to them and one of them talked about something going down at the graveyard.
HAGARI - I see, but why tell us?
WAITRESS - The Yakuza comes in here everyday chasing out business from my father's restaurant, now they are claiming he owes them money. The word is that you are starting a resistance against them.
HAGARI - Thanks for the info, you may leave now

Panel 4
The waitress is leaving the room. HAZUKI is looking at HAGARI.

HAGARI - This is typical of the Yakuza, ruining places of honor and prestige. We have to investigate the graveyard tonight.
HAZUKI - Agreed, should we get your trainees?
HAGARI - No, first we will see what they are doing there. If they are really there then we shall find out all the info we need from them.


Page 14 ( Three Panels )

Panel 1
It is nighttime. HAGARI, HAZUKI, and KYOKO are standing in the middle of a dirt road. There is old building along the road with rickety signs handing around. There is a large full moon behind them.

HAGARI - We have to go to the graveyard at once HAZUKI. Kyoko, tell my students where I went and to come looking if we don't return by morning,
KYOKO - Yes brother, good luck, you too HAZUKI.
HAZUKI - Um, thanks.

Panel 2
KYOKO is leaning toward HAZUKI and giving him a peck on the check.

KYOKO - This is for good luck too....

Panel 3
KYOKO is walking away from HAZUKI and HAGARI, they look confused.

Page 15

Panel 1
A shot of a graveyard at night, it is full of tombstones and dead trees. A large full moon is in the picture too, lighting some of the items in the picture.

Panel 2
HAGARI is standing by HAZUKI who is drawing his sword from hi sheath.

HAGARI - Get ready, the Yakuza are deadly.


Panel 3
HAGARI and HAZUKI with his sword drawn are standing in the graveyard with large tombstones and dead trees around them. There is a foggy mist blowing past them and hiding part of them from view.

HAZUKI - This is not a good sign.

[banshee]

Will take a peek at it Fox, but slowly but I will get to it! hehe

great to see you getting down to it!

[foxmerquise8]

does anyone have any comments?

[Ben Christensen]

Okeday, here's what I could see...

Overall it's a good story, it's an interesting take on the character. Hazuki and Hagari are fairly well flushed out, but Kyoko doesn't seem to escape a pretty stereotypical mold.

Specifically: I think that you're opening scene needs more dialogue or captions, one of the two. It's described really well, but there should be something to hook the reader into going on. The silence of it seems kind of dull for a beginning.

A general thing that you do is repeat the same things too closely to one another. An example is this:

Page 1 / Panel 1

Shinjuku - You're lucky you survived this long, but now it has to end.
Ghost Rider - Yes, it does have to end.

Now this is the only real talking in the entire open, and they basically say the exact same thing.

Shinjuku - You're lucky you survived this long, but now it has to end.

Ghost Rider - I agree.

Something like that, combined with more words in general, would raise what I call the "cooooooooooooool" factor of the only scene with the Ghost Rider in it.

The only other major thing I had trouble with was the dialogue. In parts it was dead on and sounded great, but a lot of the time it didn't feel natural. Speaking them within my mind sounded off.

Also, you cram a lot into each balloon.

KYOKO - Ah, Sorry. I found you a mile away from the Takabacu. You were out cold, although you had no bruises on you. I brought you here, the School of the HAGARI HANZAI Sword Style.

This could easily be broken up into a couple balloons. It feels rushed to me this way, forcing the reader to moved their eye more than usual would give it a break and would be easier to read.

The last thing is small. In the action scene with the swordmen, they're all called "swordman". Now don't get me wrong, you wrote the descriptions for that really well and I could figure out which one you meant, but I think it would be easier if you were to name them in some way. Lead swordman, short swordman, stupid swordman, etc. It's something that would make it easier to tell them apart on the written page and help in translating them to the drawn page (where they'd have more than enough distinction, depending on the artist).

Anyway, that's all from me. I like the idea, I'll have to go back and read your other three installments (I'm assuming they're here somewhere).

-Ben;onei;

[foxmerquise8]

Actually that helps alot, have you read the first 3 issues I did.

I'm working on my dialouge, it kinda hard thing of ghost rider dialogue, because in the real gr issues, he basically babblers about vengence for the whole issue.

Can you tell me some of the dialouge that was bad?

[Ben Christensen]

I haven't read your first three yet, but I will as soon as I can.

As for the dialogue:

HAGARI - Since she cared for you, for two days while you were unconscious. Go make some stew for our guest KYOKO; I have to talk with him in private.


Mostly this one should be broken up a bit. The beginning part is good, but then there is the abrupt switch to ordering Kyoko out. Not only does it seem to come out of no where, but for someone that is suppossed to care about Kyoko, it seems kind of mean.

HAGARI - Beautiful Garden, isn't it?

HAZUKI - Yes it is, but you said you knew something about the Yazuka.

HAGARI - I do, the Yakuza is a crime organization that has a very strong presence in Yokohamma. No one knows for sure who runs it, but I have my suspicions. The police are too busy with the assassinations to stop the Yakuza, so now their presence has become even stronger.

Again, this one starts off good, You have a little syllable repeat with the "isn't it? Yes it is,..." but it's not terrible. Then the rest of Hazuki's line doesn't work since Hagari never actually said he knew anything. He said that they had much to discuss. Also, it's not necessary to ask that question. The reader assumes that they are going to talk about the Yazuka, since that's what you told them was going to happen in the last panel.

Then you move into a loooooooong speech about the Yakuza. This should be broken up because it's massive and mentions a lot of different things. Also, there doesn't feel like a lot of flow between those different things. It's like you're giving us a laundry list of plot points, and that just doesn't feel natural. In turn, there's no emotion behind his words. I took him to be someone who is very unsettled by the Yakuza's power, but he doesn't convey that here.

My suggestion would be stretch it out. Run it over a few panels and allow Hagari to show his emotions about what's happening around him. You could even mention some direct tie between him and the Yakuza.

I mean, why does he want to fight them? Is he the guardian of the town? have they killed someone he loved? Yes they're bad, and yes he's good, but there needs to be more motivation than that.

-----------------------------------------

KYOKO - I destroyed our dinner, I'm so clumsy.

I'll end with this one, it shows what I'm trying to say pretty well. It's two statements of fault put right next to each other. In real life people don't say things like that back to back. Maybe this:


KYOKO - I'm sorry, I... I destroyed our dinner.

HAZUKI - Kyoko it's not...

KYOKO - I was holding all the plates... and... and I tried to pick up the fork... and I just couldn't hold it all. I'm so clumsy!


Something like that flows a bit better and it allows for Hazuki to try to comfort Kyoko, showing her a little that he cares.

Again, you have some great dialogue in there, but there are times where you try to say too much, or make it more about the words being said rather than the way they're said. Since we're trying to capture living-breathing characters, they should talk as if you pulled them off the street and typed what they said.

-Ben;onei;

[foxmerquise8]

Wow, thats great, I should've thought of that.

[banshee]

Goodness mucho detailed crits. Gosh, I am way behind! bad me!

Hmmm...

I can see that you've put a lot into these projects, fox, I enjoy reading all of your pieces to date. Ben has detailed way more than I can at the moment, I must say that it's a great read and with finetuning of your dialogue (pls pls note spelling etc), it wld be even better. I will admit, my min ddid blur (Im kinda tired cos kids wouldnt sleep last night) reading it so I cant remember all what I wanted to (I read it last night to my kids LOL) say.

[Ben Christensen]

I read the other three parts, foxmer.

Mostly they all fall in with the stuff that I mentioned above. It's a good story overall, and I'm curious to see where you're planning on taking it.

-Ben;onei;

[foxmerquise8]

Now that I have some indepth feedback, I'm starting on #5, its one is becoming more fine tuned. I think I'll start including images to discribe things also. Is that a good idea?