Reply With Quotewelcome Sage!!! to the writersdesk etc
It's always nice to see new "faces" here.
Ok, Im gng to owe u a c&c cos I;m real tired today but I will get to it real soon, I promise
great to see u on here!
later days
B
I've been writing actively for about three years in various online, fan fiction oriented, RPGs. I've chosen writing as my profession. I'm at the age where I'm stepping into college in the next couple of years and I'm hoping to get into the game during that time or after. So I have some time to get better at this gig but I need some crits to do so.
I've chosen comics because I love them so much and I can survive on minimal funds as needed, as long as I enjoy what I'm doing in the way of work. I don't know a lot in the ways of formatting, etc. and how to break in so I'd appreciate any critism and instruction. I'm using Garth Ennis' approach to formatting, that I got from a Punisher script.
I have this comic that I'd like to do and have the rights to. So I decided to start writing with it, to get my head on straight, before I go any further. Since I'm passionate about it and know it well. Obviously, since I dreamt it up. I'm almost done with the first issue but these are the first five pages, in what I think could be near polished drafts. Could it be used as a writing sample? I'm hoping so, since I don't know much about this field. Well, I've rambled on long enough, so here it is:
--------------------------------
SERIOUS DECLINE
PAGE ONE
1.
Full page splash. Syrius Cline, the only person in the shot, has badly dyed, short blond hair, is decked out in a standard order jump-suit with a leather jacket over it, and dog tags hang around his neck. He also has a watch on his left wrist. Futuristic watch. Instead of the standard one information area it has one big one and two smaller ones. They form kind of mini-bubbles. On his right wrist he has a bracelet with a square LED panel. It doubles as both a communicator and a portable computer. It's called a MCU(Mobile Computing Unit). These things are only visible if his wrists somehow become visible from underneath his jacket. He stands in the glass elevator of the National Law Enforcement Agency (NLEA from here on out) . His mood, unless stated otherwise, is a defualt "annoyance with a wry smile".The elevator runs along the outside of the building, so the huge, breathtaking view of a futuristic city landscape fille the outside view. Completely glass. Even the bottom is see through. This is, undoubtable, the money shot. The tops of the skyscrapers decline near the horizon line and the river takes over from there. There are flying cars but only one level. That's the law. There are the cars on land and cars above them one an "air road", that's it. Police can drive anywhere though. So there might could be one or two cars flying higher and at unconformed, varaying angles, etc. The day is sunny but the sun itself is off panel, above the page.
CAPTION: The Nelly. NLEA officially, National Law Enforcement Agency.
" " My headache away from home.
PAGE TWO
1.
Syrius steps out from the elevator into a hallway. Shot from behind him looking in. This is the floor of the police chief and Syrius has been called. The hallway leads three ways. Directly left, right, and straight ahead. There are doors all along each wall. These are sci-fi doors. No door handles, etc. Sleek and lean. Directly ahead of him, about ten doors down sits a desk and a female secretary named Anny. There's a man speaking with her dressed in a business suit. Since this is the future, the suit should look revised from current standards without becoming a syran-wrap mess. He'll be appearing in panel four as well. The entire place is sterile and sparkly clean. Syrius reaches into his jacket pocket in this panel.
CAPTION: I can stand it here in my weaker moments. When I'm paying attention, it's exruciatingly harder.
2.
Close-up on Syrius' hand and pocket. He pulls out a cigarette pack. Brand name "Mooleys". The main importance is to establish he's getting cigarretes. Small panel prefered.
CAPTION: I was transfered here five years ago when my name started to get associated with the World's Most Wanted List.
3.
Profile shot of Syrius putting the cigarette in his mouth. Slightly angled up view. There's a large indicator on the wall. A rectangular box shaped screen with whatever message and/or image that's needed to go there. Right now it's a large picture of a cigarette crossed out indicating smoking isn't allowed. Syrius doesn't look at it but he has a odd little smile on his face from breaking the rules. He's well aware from previous experience that it's there.
CAPTION: Despite what my appearence might hint, I was catching the wankers.
4.
Syrius walks down the hall. The man formally speaking to the secratary is walking down the hall in the opposite direction. He smiles big, annoyingly big and gives a thumbs up. Side view of them both, Syrius in the foreground and him in the background turning to face Syrius as he walks. Syrius lets the cigarette in his mouth hang casually and keeps his hands to the side. He doesn't face the man at all.
MAN: How's it going?
SYRIUS: Keep walking.
MAN: Alright, then!
CAPTION: I'm not in a good mood. Which is my ruitine now.
" " I might of given him an obligatory head nod and rehashed, smiley face greeting if I wasn't in such a state.
5.
Syrius has arrived at the desk. There are boring waiting chairs nearby along the wall. All furniture in this building has a geometric style and are metal except for the butt and back cushions that are built in. The secratary, Anny, straightens up a bit, remembering she's supposed to instruct Syrius to go right in. Syrius has his hand on his cigarette.
CAPTION: Probably not.
ANNY: Mr. Cline, you should go right in.
SYRIUS: Crap. I just lit this.
6.
Close up of Syrius' cigarette being put-out in the Secretary's ashtray. If the secretary is included in this panel it should only be her going back to filing her nails.
CAPTION: I'll probably get an assignment. I hope for his sake it's good. I didn't
come all the way from the UK to put up with this bollocks.
PAGE THREE
1.
Inside the office. An overweight, aged, mustached, man named Krack sits in a swivil chair behind a desk. He has on an old wrinkled dress shirt, undone tie, and casual slacks. His entire office walls are floor to ceiling windows. If one looked didn't look carefully enough it'd seem as if the cieling was defying gravity. He's turned to the window and on the phone. There should be an intercomm on the desk for later.
KRACK: I needed those files five minutes ago.
2.
Syrius enters. Shot from in front of Krack, Syrius in the background.
KRACK: I've got the hoodlum coming up here now! Ye--yeah the guy with the leather. I don't know, I guess he likes it. Some kind of fetish, I guess.
CAPTION: I don't like Krack. Plain and simple. I think someone put him here just to piss me off. Part of a global conspiriacy to put the truely meek into power and pissing me off is a nice little bonus.
3.
The intercom on Krack's desk crackles. Close up.
INTERCOM: Mr. Krack, Syrius is here. I went ahead and --
4.
Krack raises an eyebrow. Tighter shot than panel 2 but same set-up except for the fact Syrius is closer.
KRACK: Alright, alright! Send him in.
" " Now send those files up now! The freak's gonna need them!
SYRIUS: What files?
5.
Close-up of Krack's eyes. Wide, shocked, etc. Bloodshot would be nice if it can be pulled off effectively.
PAGE FOUR
1.
Krack spins around. He has a big fake grin on his face, trying to act the complete opposite of himself and he's not a good acter. Sweat is pouring down his face. Shot from in front of the desk. No Syrius in the panel. The phone literally flies out of his hand and is in flight.
KRACK: CLINE!
2.
Syrius smiles casually. He's clearly having fun with this. His hands are in his jacket pockets.
CAPTION: I like it, times like this. When I have someone's nuts in a vise.
" " Figuratively.
SYRIUS: Kracky, what are the files for, eh?
3.
Krack has calmed down but not nearly to normal. He's going into his usual grumpy self, now that the guilt is fading. He waves Syrius to a chair in front of the desk. Syrius is mid-way there in the panel, pulling out his closest hand and slightly reaching for it. A natural movement for someone sitting down in a chair, coming from behind. Syrius has a somewhat scoffing facial expression to fit his first and only line of dialogue in the panel.
KRACK: A case I've got for you. Higher profile than your last one, though.
SYRIUS: My last one was a warrant for a ninety-five year old cripple who had unpaid Jaywalking fines. Or in her case, Jaywheeling.
KRACK: What's your point?
CAPTION: In case it was unclear, that's why I don't like working here.
4.
Syrius is expressionless. Close up of him.
SYRIUS: What's the case?
CAPTION: I've caught burgulars, bank robbers, real estate frauders, embezellers...
5.
Krack leans back in his chair, putting his feet on the desk. Syrius is now sitting in the chair and leaning forward, one hand on his chin in a thoughtful manner. This is showing he takes his job seriously, despite his dislike for Krack. Both of them are in the panel. The view/angle/etc. isn't important as long as they're both in it.
CAPTION: ... murderers, rapists, pediphiles, terrorists, arsonists... and I get handed
rookie jobs because this guy doesn't like my accent and the way I dress.
" " That or my conspiracy theory is right after all.
KRACK: Some kind of trouble maker in the commerce district. Wants to rile up everybody for no good reason. Trying to get people on his side for something.
" " Could be dangerous in the future.
SYRIUS: What's he speaking out against?
KRACK: How should I know? We've just been getting some reports from some business owners in the area saying he's preaching something outside their stores. Creating a fuss.
CAPTION: The fact no one seemed to mention what he's saying tells me he's pissed because no one's listening. Which means he might want to make them listen. Just a preliminary assessment.
PAGE 5
1.
Krack seems to be reclining more. His hands are behind his head. He's completely comfortable because he's being a jerk now, so he's in his element. Syrius has pulled back the left arm sleeve and is looking at his watch. Wide shot. Conversation time, so there should be ample room for word baloons. This page has less panels so this perticular one would do well to take up a great deal of the page.
KRACK: You think you can handle this one?
SYRIUS: Shouldn't be a problem.
KRACK: Because I'm not so sure.
SYRIUS: I was transferred here, sir, because your bosses thought I could help you.
KRACK: Well, you're untested in my area and that's what matters.
SYRIUS: Whatever you say, boss man.
2.
Wide shot of Krack, front view of him only. Intercomm on his desk in view.
INTERCOM: Some files are here per your request, sir.
KRACK: Good. Cline, will be getting them on his way out.
" " Cline, get moving. I want this resolved by lunch.
3.
Syrius gets up from his seat.
CAPTION: Gluttonous pig always wants things resolved by lunch. I think his stomach guides all his choices in life.
" " Despite what he wants I don't see this being resolved by tomorrow's lunch, much less today's.
SYRIUS: Sure, sure. I'll just knock him on the head and drag him into lock-up.
KRACK: Don't go doing that! We try to keep a non-violent tone here!
SYRIUS: It was a joke.
KRACK: ... Oh... No jokes, Cline!
SYRIUS: ...Alright then.
4.
Front view of Syrius walking out. In the background I want Krack falling back in his chair. Just a little humor. So make sure his arms are flailing, etc. to make it more exagerated and comedic.
SYRIUS: You've got files for me?
KRACK: YEEEOWWW!
http://sagehazzard.deviantart.com
welcome Sage!!! to the writersdesk etc
It's always nice to see new "faces" here.
Ok, Im gng to owe u a c&c cos I;m real tired today but I will get to it real soon, I promise
great to see u on here!
later days
B
ooook, here I goes
Btw Sage, why dont you check out our story rounds etc/exercises that we have on here from time to time, it's great practice and a great way to "hone" your craft.
there's one on-going now and I think there are some slots available, It's prose at the moment but our next around shld be scripts. It's good to practice the diffr styles
ok, enough of the plugging lol
You describe the environments well but I dont seem to be seeing the physical descriptions of the charcaters, at least i cant see them, being obtuse).
Pg 1- typo! 'default', not 'defualt'
Pg 2, P3- 'CAPTION: Despite what my appearence might hint, I was catching the wankers.'
This sentence seems akward. You know, I couldnt think of a suggestion here lol. But it reads akwardly.
pg2,P4- 'routine', not 'ruitine'.
p3, p1- 'ceiling'
p3- p4- 'vice', not vise
there are some other typos so I suggest a run of that old friend the spellchecker!
my POV is that a lil more "tension" btwn Cline and his new boss needs to be seen, a different pace perhaps, fidgety movements, comments, something. The convo did drag a lil and it was rushed off to finish, or it seemed that way to me.
Overall, it's a good start, Sage and with some tweaks, it could turn out to be an interesting story.
looking fwd to seeing more, Sage and come join our exercises/story rounds, it will be fun!
later days
B
That's a failure on my part due to my inexperience in this medium. I figured that with the characters there'd be a reference drawn and approved to always refer back to. I was having a little trouble with that though since I might want to show the script to some editors for work, as an example. If they saw that as a flaw in my writing, I'd be out of work. Thanks for that crit, a lot.You describe the environments well but I dont seem to be seeing the physical descriptions of the charcaters, at least i cant see them, being obtuse).
Huh, you're right. What if I flipped it to: "I was catching the wankers. Though my appearence may give the wrong idea."Pg 2, P3- 'CAPTION: Despite what my appearence might hint, I was catching the wankers.'
This sentence seems akward. You know, I couldnt think of a suggestion here lol. But it reads akwardly.
I was going for "vise" though. Vice is, from the dictionary I have "an evil action or habit". I meant "Vise", as in the tool. Was my wording not clear enough to relate that? It's basically saying he has his family jewels in a tightly squeezing grip.p3- p4- 'vice', not vise
I actually don't have a spellchecker on my wordpad. Maybe I should invest in a program that does have one, hmm? I have some brothers who could probably check my work if I ask them nice, though. lolthere are some other typos so I suggest a run of that old friend the spellchecker!
Yes, that scene needs loads of tension. I should work on it more then. It's extremely important for future issues, plots, etc.my POV is that a lil more "tension" btwn Cline and his new boss needs to be seen, a different pace perhaps, fidgety movements, comments, something. The convo did drag a lil and it was rushed off to finish, or it seemed that way to me.
Thanks a lot!Overall, it's a good start, Sage and with some tweaks, it could turn out to be an interesting story.
I'll post some more pages here in a little bit. And thanks, I'll look into that! I need some practice honing my skill.
PAGE 6
I want width filling panels on this page. There's only three panels. They should all be about equal height.
1.
Pulled out shot. Show the grandiuer of the scene. Syrius is in the middle of a large parking lot. It's unique. Instead of spaces in the middle where anyone can park there are roads in the middle and embedded in the walls are parking slots. Each NLEA Officer is assigned a vehicle and a slot. The slot acts as a pit stop as well. Refueling, retooling, etc. is done apon exit of the car. So there should be some machinary in each slot to reflect that. Currently, Syrius is lost.
CAPTION: I have a car somewhere in here.
2.
Tighter shot. Syrius is lighting a cigarette already in his mouth.
CAPTION: It's a nice one if I remember correctly. Sleek. Which has me utterly confused on my standing here at the Nelly.
" " Maybe they like boring, box cars in America.
SYRIUS: Cline, Syrius. Point me to my cruiser, hmm?
3.
Over Syrius' shoulder. A holographic arrow appears in the air, pointing forward then right. Directly to a car. It's Syrius'. Think Viper or Mustang for the basic style. There's not the standard lights on the top of the car like today's police cars, it has nothing like that. They appear in holographic form when a button is pressed. It looks like a regular car but futuristic. And no rear view mirrors, grills, or headlights. The tires are composed of a new, soft metal instead of rubber. No hubcaps.
CAPTION: They didn't have a computer service for the parking garage back in England. Took me three weeks to remember my spot.
SYRIUS: Cool.
PAGE 7
1.
Width filling panel, wide shot. Syrius' car is flying with it's base at a rough 45 degree angle, atleast twenty five above the second tier of civilian trafic. Looks like the driver is having a blast messing around with the toy. Syrius likes flying higher and more free than normal trafic. The wheels have reseeded into the car and now there are flat disk like objects taking their place, turned so that the bottoms are always facing the ground. Some kind of small distortion effect, like gas or heat makes the air look(though it's emitting neither). On the tail end of the cruiser are two "thrusters", that make it go. Right now they aren't firing, as he isn't gaining more speed. But when they do they shoot out blue blasts.
CAPTION: When flying cars came out everyone went insane. They were flying around doing loops all bloody day long. Crashes happened constantly and there weren't many chances of surviving crashes from hundreds of feet in the air.
" " So there were limits enforced. Took the fun out of it. Now you can drive on the road or the "sky road", which is right above it, and nothing else. Leave it to the politicians to turn something fun into an "efficient traffic procedure".
" " Cops however, can do whatever the hell they please. Of course the excuse is that this way we can get anywhere in one eighth of the time and keep our eye on things. But the truth is probably closer to a bunch of patrolmen whining because they can't play with these toys and the bosses giving in.
2.
Over Syrius' shoulder, inside the car. Syrius is strapped in securely. Straps over his shoulders, his waist and pelvis. He's snug and can hardly feel anything because of the inertial dampaners anyway. So he should be clearly comfortable, even at the odd angle he's flying at.. And he's still smoking. There are holographic overlays on the windshield. Stats for weather(83 degrees), time (12:49), current speed(75) and fuel(99.995%), angle (48 degrees), local infraction reports (1 shoplifting, 3 speeding, 2 assualts), tire durability (100%), and a map. The overlay is transparent enough to clearly see through.
CAPTION: I'm not complaining.
SYRIUS: Blank screen and enlarge map.
" " Plot course to flagged location in MCU....
3.
Small, tight shot of Syrius' right wrist. It's been placed in a cylandical recess on his arm rest. His sleeve is pulled back revealing his MCU.
CAPTION: An MCU, or Mobile Computing Device, is this generations answer to the 20th century's PC or PDA.
SYRIUS: ...Now.
4.
Same shot except now the recess and the wrist is covered with a cover and are not visible. It's gone over his wrist and MCU. It's pulling the data from it and processing it.
CAPTION: It can store near unlimited data of almost any kind and can download and share with other MCUs. It's standard issue and the fact that it looks damn good doesn't hurt.
5.
Same shot as Panel 2 except now there's only a map. It's not important how it is layed out except for that there is a straight line from one dot that is marked "A" to a dot marked "B". A is his location and B is his destination so make sure B is more towards the top of the map. There should be roads indicated but since he is in a flying car and has full freedom of movement, he can go from point A to B. Literally.
6.
Shot from behind the car. The car is turned in a slightly new direction and there should be some indication of his thrusters firing, to indicate acceleration.
CAPTION: Well, Mr. Rally Raiser, time to have a meet and greet.
PAGE 8
1.
Wide, bird's eye view, shot of a small rally. Roughly 200 people have gathered. It's in the local "commerce district", which means it has the most stores in one area. Atleast in this city. The buildings should be smaller than in other parts of the city but they're still bigger and have more stories than today's standard. There's a fountain that the main instigator is speaking from. So there should be a little space between the main crowd. One little blip for the speaker and a few more for his loyal followers, who are next to him.
2.
Shot from behind the speaker. Syrius' cruiser hovers mid-air, far off in the distance and high. Should look small enough to not draw undue attention.
3.
Slightly skewed sideview perspective from the driver side. Wide panel. Windshield visible and Syrius' profile visible. He's raising one eyebrow and smoking on his cigarette still. On the overlay is a magnified image of the speaker. There should be some other little things on the screen as well, processing the image and giving all the information it can find about it. Nothing specific. It might be best to just leave all the info it has as unidentifiable scribbles, indicating letters.
SYRIUS: I want sound on him.
4.
Tight shot on the speaker, Rivet Olander. He's a stylized "freedom fighter". He has a bandana covering his hair, an army style vest (lots of pockets and pouches) and a short sleeve shirt under that. His pants are jeans, which are still around in a hundred years believe it or not. His shoes should be dress shoes. He wears an MCU on his right wrist. He's quite scrawny and unshaven. His loyal followers dress in roughly the same manner.
RIVET: We cannot stand idely by and see these monsters crumble our dreams and future.
" " Who among you will stand against oppression? Who among you will not let these atrocities continue any longer? Take a stand now brothers and sisters! Before it is too late.
CAPTION: A bit of a loon, I'd say.
PAGE 9
1.
Angled up view from beneath the cruiser. Syrius has opened the door. The door opens by swinging up (think "Back to the Future"). Syrius has swung one foot out. He's just thrown his cigarette out too. So his hand hand should be in a flicking motion and the cigarette in mid-fall.
CAPTION: I hope for his sanity he's being metaphorical about those monsters.
SYRIUS: Give me a drop chute.
2.
Small panel of a slot opening up in the dash board and revealing what looks like a parachuting pack and a pair of goggles.
3.
Tight view of Syrius waist and him clicking a strap across it.
4.
Tight shot of Syrius' eyes and him putting the goggles over them.
5.
Tight shot of Syrius' feet, pushing off and into the air.
6.
Tight shot of Syrius as he is in mid-air.
PAGE 10
1.
Splash page. HUGE money shot. From above Syrius, chute not yet deployed. He should have his arms spread and his feet and legs closely togetether. Swan dive. Clouds should be below him, he's so high up. And even though there are huge buildings below him, they look like legos from up here. Throw in a few birds, just to get the impact across.
CAPTION: Another perk of the job.
http://sagehazzard.deviantart.com
I went to look it up in my dict. Apparently American spelling says it's a vise but English its a vice.
AH HAH! hence the confusion!but it's the same dang thing LOL
as for the format, do you have any books on the subject? it helped me a great deal and also you can check out the links on our earlier threads (you will always see them at the top of the forum), there are some great resources there!
What OS are u using Sage? MAC, windows? Why dont you use Microsoft Office or something? THat would help. If you are keen to submit, typos/spelling errors must be non-existent or kept to a minimum.
As for the sentence, hmm... here's a suggestion "I was looking for the wankers, although my appearance may suggest otherwise. "
how abt that?
And as for the beginning. Hmm.. Maybe it cld work with a different beginning etc, maybe some captions here and there. you dont HAVE to start with a splash page. It is a bit drawn out so you dont want to lose the reader's interest in the beginning. Keep at it, you've got something good to work on!
I will c&c the next bit shortly
later days
B
it's almost the boys lunchtime so I'd hv to get to the c&c later on, Sage
but I willl!
later days
Yes, I do have a book, "The Writer's Guide to the Business of Comics", by Lurene Haines. I also get lots of TPBs and collected series of comics and some have a few pages of scripts as a bonus. So I study them and try to get an idea from it. lol. It's the way I tought myself HTML and Comic Book Coloting, from studying stuff and trying to figure out how it was done.as for the format, do you have any books on the subject? it helped me a great deal and also you can check out the links on our earlier threads (you will always see them at the top of the forum), there are some great resources there!
Windows. I'm low on cash though and don't have Office (though I'm saving for a new computer and might use some of the money to get that or something similar, and get a cheaper computer). But I can do spell checks if I'm creative enough. Actually, I think I have an HTML editor that checks for spell checks as an add-on. So that could work!What OS are u using Sage? MAC, windows? Why dont you use Microsoft Office or something? THat would help. If you are keen to submit, typos/spelling errors must be non-existent or kept to a minimum.
Hmm. That could work. Though I was wanting to get across, with a subtle wordplay, that this guy is good at what he does. Using "looking for" doesn't really get across that he cought them. He's from the UK and caught quite a few, raising through the ranks and getting notice. He was shipped over to give the states a hand but fell behind due to prejudice from his boss and some shady behind the scenes work that'll come to light later. Maybe I should just scrap it and go a different direction instead of retooling the same thing. Like "I caught more than my share and this... this is my reward."As for the sentence, hmm... here's a suggestion "I was looking for the wankers, although my appearance may suggest otherwise. "
how abt that?
Yeah, unless I get a great artist, that splash won't work. Since this is set in the future I wanted a huge cityscape. And since it's a glass elevator, even the floors being glass, there'd be an amazing view.And as for the beginning. Hmm.. Maybe it cld work with a different beginning etc, maybe some captions here and there. you dont HAVE to start with a splash page. It is a bit drawn out so you dont want to lose the reader's interest in the beginning. Keep at it, you've got something good to work on!
This comic series would have lots of twists and turns and a story under all arcs that would bind them together. This would be a limited series. About 60 issues. It has an ending. There's neat stuff with his powers (which I have a cute way of revealing, though it might be too late of a pay-off and I might loose my readers in the process.) and the story but it's going a little slow in the first issue. Though this issue raises questions that will lead to answers at the series end. I'm hoping this guy, and the set-up(the futuristic world), will be enough to get people through the first comic. Because I have a hook at the end that will hopefully make people want to read the next one to see what happens.
Hey, take your time. This is a favor you're doing for me. I'm just grateful. Thanks for giving my stuff a look.it's almost the boys lunchtime so I'd hv to get to the c&c later on, Sage
http://sagehazzard.deviantart.com
Yup, the HTML editor is possible until you can get word processing software
ur sentence reworked sounds good hehehehe
there are some great books out there, I loved denny o neill's book, that helped me no end.. u dont hv to copy his STYLE but what he tries to help u see, was reallly beneficial to me. and I;m still learning, just keep on practising!
ok.. the boys wld always wake up when I need to do a c&c LOL impeccable timing.. ahh the joys of toddler twins..
ok.. will get to it soon
I have a suggestion: since you're thinking of getting a new computer, Sage, try dell.com. I took a gamble and bought one at the beginning of the year at a fairly affordable price.
The dialogue seems stiff at times. Other than what Banshee said, the script was pretty good.
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