The Triangle script in its FULL glory...

[banshee]

WHEW! all done All c&cs welcome of course.

enjoy!


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TITLE: TRIANGLE OF FIERY LIGHT (the Script)

Cover-

Page 1

Splash page. Medium shot looking down a high-ceilinged long corridor, both sides are large picture windows, ornate border around windows (think Middle Eastern architecture). Man striding away down the corridor from the camera, he is tall, dark, short hair, dressed in dark robes (think again Middle Eastern Sheikh), rich material. Slaves (clothing: loin cloths) are kowtowing on the ground as he is passing. This is his palace, so the quality of the surroundings should reflect this.

CAPTION- SUMMON THE GRAND VIZIER AT ONCE!

Page 2

Panel 1- A throne (very elaborately carved, gold) is in the centre of a great hall. Carpets on the floor, you can see marble blocks everywhere. A very cold, emotion-less place. The man from earlier panel (King Mansour) has a harsh, hawk-like face, prominent nose, deep set eyes. He is frowning and his hair is rumpled. Facing the throne (you can’t quite see his face) is a short, fat man, balding, bowing low (also dressed in rich robes but not as opulent as the former, more vibrant colours.).

MANSOUR- THE MONTH OF KEDMA IS LESS THAN TWO MONTHS AWAY, JABIR. WHERE IS THE AWENA, PRINCESS NOURA?
MANSOUR- YOU DISAPPOINT ME, JABIR.

Panel 2- You can see Jabir’s face, the fear is very clear, he’s still on his knees, bowing.

JABIR- I ASSURE YOU, YOUR MAJESTY, WE ARE IN TALKS WITH THE MAJA WAHBIMIN…

MANSOUR (O-P)- TALK? TALK? WHAT GOOD IS TALK?! I WANT RESULTS, JABIR. OTHERWISE…

JABIR- YOUR MAJESTY, YOUR WORD IS LAW.

Panel 3 - Mansour is still in the throne room (throne in background). He is now facing a wall, his hand on a brick (back to us), you can see a gap opening in the wall in front of him.

Panel 4- Mansour is now in a dimly lit room. Triangular shaped object (like a table) in centre and at its sharpest point, a large ruby sitting on top of a large cone. Everything is made of white gold.

Panel 5 - Close-up of Mansour pressing the ruby downstairs into cone, his face is lit eerily.

MANSOUR- ALTAR OF SULWYN, SHOW ME THE FUTURE.

Panel 6- Mansour is facing a wall of flame flowing out from the ruby, you can vaguely see figures in those flames.

ALTAR- MANSOUR OF THE SHAMMARA, SHE WILL NOT ACCEPT WHAT YOU OFFER.
MANSOUR- WHY NOT?
ALTAR- NOURA OF THE MAJA KNOWS OF YOUR DESIRES AND WILL NOT ACCEPT YOUR OFFER.

Page 3

Panel 1- Different angle to earlier panel. Mansour looks frustrated, his hand in a fist on the altar. The flames are still flowing from the ruby.

MANSOUR- ENOUGH! SHOW ME WHERE THE AWENA IS.
ALTAR- THE ALTAR OF SULWYN CANNOT SHOW YOU THAT WHICH YOU SEEK.

Panel 2- Mansour’s fist is coming down onto the Altar, his face is contorted with anger. The flames should start to recede, although he hasn’t noticed that.

MANSOUR- I WILL DESTROY YOU IF YOU DO NOT SHOW ME THE AWENA!
ALTAR- YOU WILL NOT DESTROY THE ALTAR OF SULWYN, MANSOUR OF THE SHAMMARA. YOU NEED US…

Panel 3- Mansour has controlled himself once more, although you can still see glimmers of anger in his eyes.

MANSOUR- I AM MANSOUR OF THE SHAMMARA, YOU WILL DO AS I SAY, ALTAR OF SULWYN!
ALTAR- ALL IN THE TRIANGLE OF FIERY LIGHT ARE INVISIBLE TO EACH OTHER UNTIL BROUGHT TOGETHER. THAT IS HOW IT HAS ALWAYS BEEN.
MANSOUR- NO! I WANT…

Panel 4- the flames have almost receded completely into the ruby. Mansour is waving his hands around, shouting, frustration on his face.

ALTAR- THE ALTAR OF SULWYN WILL SHOW YOU NO MORE, MANSOUR OF THE SHAMMARA.

Panel 5- the room is darkened again. Mansour is walking away from the Altar, facing us, his face very dark and angry.

CAPTION- I MUST CONTROL THE AWENA AND PRINCESS NOURA! I HAVE NO TIME TO LOSE…

Page 4

Panel 1- In a room with open windows. Light wooden flooring and panelling. A breeze is blowing transparent white curtains at the windows. Hardly any furniture in this room. A woman (Princess Noura) is dressed in lightweight clothing, very minimal (think long loin cloth and a cross-tied top, in white). Lithe yet feminine, she has an intelligent face with long dark hair (piled up on her head), cinnamon skin, brown eyes. She is sat cross legged facing the windows, her back to us. Behind her, a slave girl (Shima) is sat on the ground, her head bowed. She is dressed in homespun shirt and trousers, very plain. Shima has short cropped hair, thin and angular, ordinary but kind face.

SHIMA- PRINCESS NOURA. YOUR FATHER WISHES TO SEE YOU, YOUR HIGHNESS.

Panel 2- Noura remains in same position while Shima fidgets a little as she kneels. She’s realised her mistake of interrupting the princess.

SHIMA- MY APOLOGIES, YOUR HIGHNESS BUT THE ALMIRA REQUESTED YOUR ATTENDENCE IMMEDIATELY.

Panel 3- Noura’s eyes are open now, looking annoyed. We can see Shima behind her but Noura hasn’t turned around yet.
NOURA- WHO ELSE HAS BEEN CALLED FOR THIS MEETING, SHIMA?
SHIMA- THE CROWN PRINCE, YOUR HIGHNESS AND..
NOURA- YES?
SHIMA- THE JEROEN ARE IN ATTENDENCE YOUR HIGHNESS. HIS EXALTANCE YZOMTEC HAS INSISTED UPON SEEING THE ALMIRA.

Panel 4- Noura has stood up, the wind blowing her hair and what clothing she has on. She looks very powerful in her anger. She is facing away from the windows now.

NOURA (THOUGHT)- THAT POMPOUS WINDBAG, WHAT NOW?!
NOURA (OUT LOUD)- VERY WELL, SHIMA. YOU ARE DISMISSED.
SHIMA (OP)- AS YOU WISH, YOUR HIGHNESS.

Panel 5- Noura is standing at the window again. Below her is a pleasing garden with walkways, fountains. (we see her in the distance, as if looking at her from the garden).

CAPTION- FATHER, WHAT GAME ARE YOU PLAYING NOW, INVITING THE VIPERS TO THE MONGOOSE’S LAIR?

Page 6

Panel 1- The room looks like more of a council chamber with a large desk with papers all over the table, there are some chairs scattered around the room. Kamali, Almira of Maja is a gnarled man now but you can still see remnants of the wiry frame of his youth. He is wearing fancy red and white robes, they sit uncomfortably on him. He is pacing the floor. Sitting a little way off, his feet on the table, looking very aloof, is a younger, more muscular man dressed austerely. This is the Crown Prince, Rami. Both have the stamp of devious politicians on them.

KAMALI- WHERE IS SHE?
RAMI- SHE HAS BEEN SENT FOR, FATHER. I ASSUME SHE IS ON HER WAY.
KAMALI- DO NOT PLAY GAMES WITH ME, RAMI. IF IT WASN’T FOR YOUR HASTE, YZOMTEC WOULD BE ELSEWHERE NOW.

Panel 2- Rami’s feet are on the ground now, his posture less rigid. Kamali is still pacing in the background. We see Rami’s face filled with both disgust and nervousness.

RAMI- THAT OLD FOOL IS JUST TRYING TO CAUSE TROUBLE, FATHER. HIS EXCESSES ARE NOT A CONCERN.
RAMI- EVEN HIS ADMONITIONS TOWARDS NOURA ARE UNFOUNDED. HIS POWER IS WANING.

Panel 3- Kamali has his back to his son but facing us. He’s looking up at the wall, we can’t see what he is looking at. His expression is grave with a hint of sadness in the eyes.

KAMALI- THERE ARE FORCES HERE AT WORK, SON THAT EVEN YOU AND YOUR LITTLE PLAYTHING HAVE NOT DISCOVERED.

Panel 4- Rami is now half out of his chair, Kamali is facing him, his expression stern. Behind the Almira, the portrait he was looking at is one of a beautiful woman holding a baby girl (prob. abt a year old). The painting looks old.

RAMI- BUT FATHER, ZAFIRA HAS NEVER…
KAMALI- SILENCE! I WOULD NOT HAVE SURVIVED AS THE ALMIRA OF ATALAYA FOR SO LONG IF I COULD NOT DISCOVER YOUR LITTLE GAMES.

Panel 5- Rami is standing up, his stance defensive. Kamali is standing in front of him, his legs askew, arms waving in the air as if shouting at him.

RAMI- THE SHAMMARRA ARE DECEIVING US WITH THEIR TALK OF UNITY, FATHER. THEY WILL DESTROY US THE FIRST CHANCE THEY GET!
KAMALI- DO NOT PRETEND TO KNOW WHAT YOU ARE TALKING ABOUT, RAMI. LET IT BE FOR NOW.
KAMALI- JUST LEAVE IT BE…

Page 7

Panel 1- Overhead shot. Noura is dressed in formal temple garb (Grecian gown, a deep red colour, white gold clasps at neck, wrists and ankles/belt with a crown), she is running hurriedly down a pathway towards a large temple in the distance (shinto temple style). She is accompanied by a woman of the same age, Taliz (pure white hair, slightly plump, light skin), also dressed in temple garb (less ornate than Noura’s and no crown, her hair is tied up in a bun on top of her head).

SFX- BAAAAADHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM
SCREAMS (op)- THE SHORANS ARE COMING… THE SHORANS…

Panel 2- Close-up of the sky above the Temple. A Triangular shaped cloud formation is hovering above the temple.

CAPTION 1- THE SHORANS.. EVIL BEINGS THAT ONCE CLAIMED THE TRIANGLE OF LIGHT. THE JEROEN AND THE RIDA KEPT THEM AT BAY BEFORE.
CAPTION 2- WHY DO THEY RETURN AGAIN?

Panel 3- Noura and Taliz are almost at the temple. Around them, chaos, things on fire. People running by (you don’t quite see faces, just legs and feet running). Alarms ringing out everyone.

SFX- BAAAHHHDOOOOOOOOMMM
SFX- WHOOOOOOOOOOOOOORRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR

Panel 4- Taliz and Noura have reached the inner Temple, in the distance you can make out Kamali and Rami argued with some clerics at the end of the hall.

NOURA- FATHER!!!!!
SFX- CRAAAAAAACKKKKKKKKKKKKKK…..

Panel 5- Noura has tripped over some debris, the ceiling is falling down, she is looking straight at her father at the end of the hall, her face frightened, her hand stretching out towards him.

CAPTION- AND THAT IS THE LAST TIME I SAW HIS FACE……

Page 8

Panel 1- Black panel. Total darkness.

CAPTION 1- NO SHAPES, SOUNDS, NOTHING.
CAPTION 2- THIS MUST BE A NIGHTMARE. THERE CANNOT BE SUCH PURE DARKNESS.

Panel 2- Noura is sat up in bed, her face full of confusion. One hand is rubbing the sheet and the other is feeling the bedside table for something, where you can see an incense burner is alight, a book, a small bell.

NOURA- HELLO?.. SHIMA??
VOICE (OP)- LEAN BACK AND CONSERVE YOUR STRENGTH, DAUGHTER OF MAJA.
NOURA- FATHER?
VOICE (OP)- NO, CHILD, IT IS YZOMTEC HERE TO HELP YOU.

Panel 3- Noura’s face is full of distaste as Yzomtec is helping her back on to the bed. He was an old, plump man with a flamboyant air about his dress/demeanour, dressed in a colourful friar’s robe, deep red with white gold trimmings. he has a balding pate.

NOURA- WHAT KIND OF DISORDER REIGNS NOW, YZOMTEC THAT YOU COME TO MY CHAMBER IN THE DEAD OF NIGHT?
NOURA- OR ARE YOU A PART OF MY NIGHTMARE?
YZOMTEC- IF IT WERE ONLY A DREAM, MY CHILD.

Panel 4- Close-up of Noura’s face-she is remembering the pain..

NOURA- NO, NO.. IT CANNOT BE TRUE… THE SHORAN.. THE SCREAMS..OH!
NOURA- MY FATHER?! WHERE IS MY FATHER?

Panel 5- Yzomtec is patting Noura’s hand, his expression more paternal than his usual pompous self. She is sat up in bed, horrified and frightened.

YZOMTEC- HUSH NOW, CHILD. YOUR FATHER AND BROTHER ARE ALIVE AND WELL, THANKS TO YOU.
YZOMTEC- THEY ARE OUT IN THE CITY NOW, RESTORING ORDER WHERE THEY CAN.

Page 9

Panel 1-Noura looks perplexed as Yzomtec continues to pat her hand paternally.

YZOMTEC- WITHOUT YOUR SWIFT ACTION, THE DEVASTATION WOULD HAVE BEEN MUCH WORSE. IN FACT..
NOURA- WAIT, YZOMTEC. HAS ORDER BEEN SO SPEEDILY RESTORED THAT SILENCE AND DARKNESS REIGNS?

Panel 2- Yzomtec looks hesitant. Noura is gripping his hand tightly, her expression more confused than upset.

YZOMTEC- MY CHILD, YOU MUST TRUST IN THE WISDOM OF THE DEITIES, THERE IS A PURPOSE TO ALL THIS AND YOU..
NOURA- ENOUGH, YZOMTEC. SPARE ME THE LECTURE, PLEASE.

Panel 3- Yzomtec has Noura’s hand in his as he helps her to her feet. Noura allowing this with a perplexed expression on her face. Her feet are bare, she is wearing a plain loose nightgown (beige), her hair flowing loose.

YZOMTEC- VERY WELL, NOURA. OPEN YOUR INNER SIGHT TO THE WORLD AROUND YOU AND YOU WILL BEGIN TO UNDERSTAND…

Panel 4- A dark panel but you can see the shapes of furniture and a portly man in front of her in ghostly white.

CAPTION- I SENSE HIS CONCERN AND PITY….BUT WHY?

Panel 5- You can see Noura on a balcony (view is from ground up) waving and smiling. Yzomtec is next to her. The slave children are waving back. Toys are on the ground. Shima is hanging laundry on a line. The sky is blue and the noon day sun is harsh and bright.

CAPTION- NO…

Panel 6- Same as first panel, black.

YZOMTEC (op)- LET ME TELL YOU A STORY, THE STORY OF THE TRIANGLE OF LIGHT…

Page 10

Panel 1- In a street with rubble on both sides, people searching amongst rubble for belongings. Kamali with a sad expression on his face is sat on a heavily carved chair on a litter carried by 12 men in boots, padded braces across their shoulders, tabards of white and deep red, elaborate headdresses with bird plumes. Next to the Almira, stands Tichegira, a tall man with thick ropy muscles- well scarred, hawk-nosed wearing mail. A golden ribbon is stitched on his right (chest). He is part of the Rida (the warriors), dark-skinned, hardy people who generally shave their heads, even the women.

Panel 2- Different angle to the panel above, you can see a corpse strewn across the rubble (where the Almira is looking at), a lance sticking out from its chest. It’s a Shoran, charcoal skin, enourmous frame, rusted plate armour. Very ugly.
TICHEGIRA- YOUR MAJESTY, THE SHORAN MUST HAVE BEEN DESPERATE INDEED TO CHANCE A RAID DURING THE DAY. THE NIGHT IS THEIR HUNTING GROUND.
KAMALI- YES, TICHEGIRA. DESPERATION INDEED.

Panel 3- Kamali is staring off at the mountains in the distance (the border between Maja and Shammara). Tichigera is looking puzzled, still standing next to his litter.

KAMALI- THE TRIANGLE OF FIERY LIGHT IS COMING ALIVE AGAIN,TICHEGIRA. DARK TIMES WILL BE UPON US ONCE MORE.

Panel 4- Overhead shot of a military camp with tents, smoke curling from campfires. Dark figures are moving among the tents, sitting around the campfire. It’s raining, the place looks cold, bleak.

CAPTION- THE SHAMMARA CAMP, FEROQ MOUNTAINS…

Page 11

Panel 1- We are in a richly furnished tent with tarpaulin on the ground, carpets, cushions thrown around. On one end, a table with maps and papers strewn across it. Mansour is pacing the room, his expression angry. He is dressed in military armour (think Mongolian style).

MANSOUR- FOR THIS, I PAID TEN THOUSAND CATTLE?! SHORAN WARRIORS, INDEED! YOU ARE PATHETIC BEASTS!
MANSOUR- THE MAJA WERE SUPPOSED TO COME TO ME TO COMBINE OUR FORCES AGAINST THE SHORAN HORDE BUT NOW, LOOK AT YOU!

Panel 2- Looking over Mansour’s shoulder at a Shoran, Herk-lord Mharme. He is hunched over and weary, a shadow of his former might. Covered in blood-soaked bandages, dented armour. He is looking sullen.

MANSOUR (OP)- BE GONE FROM MY SIGHT! PATHETIC…

Panel 3- Mansour is at the desk with the strewn papers, standing. A goblet of wine is in his hand. Jabir is entering the tent, his hand moving aside the opening.

JABIR- YOUR HIGHNESS, A COURIER FROM MAJA HAS JUST ARRIVED.
MANSOUR- SEND HIM IN. FOR HIS SAKE, LET US HOPE THAT HE DOES NOT BRING ILL NEWS.
JABIR- AT ONCE, YOUR HIGHNESS.

Panel 4- A Riba warrior kneeling down before Mansour, bald, also hawk-nosed but dressed with minimal armour (think roman toga and straps). He has sandles on his feet. Mansour is facing him, a frown on his face.

MANSOUR- WHAT NEWS?
COURIER- I BRING TIDINGS FROM BANNER GENERAL TICHEGIRA AND THE ALMIRA YOUR HIGHNESS. THE PLAN PROCEEDS… WITH A FEW MINOR SNAGS..
MANSOUR- SNAGS? WHAT SNAGS?

Page 12

Panel 1- Street in ruins, workmen busy trying to clear the rubble, looking for survivors. Behind them were bonfires burning, priests at these fires, chanting.

CAPTION- THE CITY OF ATALAYA.. IN RUINS… SO MANY DEAD..AND TO WHAT END..

Panel 2- Noura is on the balcony of her room, looking out towards the columns of smoke (to our side). She is wearing flowing white pantaloons and long-sleeved blouse. No ornaments, belted-in waist. Her hair is loose. The material is lightweight but not sheer. Yzomtec (still in his priest’s robes) was behind her, a door ajar behind him. The night sky is clear, stars twinkling, twin moons in the air.

YZOMTEC- PRINCESS, DO YOU REQUIRE ANYTHING ELSE BEFORE I RETIRE?

Panel 3- Noura has swung around, her expression full of anger. Her arms starting to rise, the curtains behind her (and her hair and clothing) show signs of being whipped around by a sudden breeze.

NOURA- ARE YOU MY NURSEMAID NOW, OLD FOOL? IT WAS *YOU* WHO OPPOSED MY TRAINING! THIS COULD HAVE BEEN PREVENTED….

Panel 4- Yzomtec has been thrown off his feet, he looks firightened.Noura is standing over him, her eyes now glowing red, bitter tears on her face. A strong wind is blowing now.

NOURA- A CURSE UPON YOU, YZOMTEC!!!!

Panel 5-Small panel. Noura’s body is all-aglow in red, her hand is outstretched, a psionic wave flashed outwards, hitting Yzomtec in the chest…

SFX- CRRAAAAAAAAAACKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKK…..

Panel 6- A great temple structure with a huge dome (Dome of Uhysi) at the centre with small buildings around it. The Dome is being cracked into two like an egg by the same psionic wave, the buildings are also falling over. Destruction everywhere.

CAPTION- A CURSE UPON ALL PRIESTS!!!!!

Page 13

Panel 1- Close-up of a sultry, lithe woman (Zarifa), full lips, very voluptuous, pantaloons/gown (on top), diaphanous material with slits down sides. Long black Hair. Dusky Skin. She is in the midst of dancing very seductively, over-shoulder look, arms up (think traditional Indian dancers).

Panel 2- Same woman, still dancing but we see Crown Prince Rami looking at her lasciviously.

RAMI- COME HERE, GIRL. I’VE NEED OF YOUR SPECIAL TALENTS. WE HAVEN’T MUCH TIME.

Panel 3- Zarifa is now looking at Rami coyly, moving nearer. He has a half-smirk on his face.

ZARIFA- AND WHICH TALENTS WOULD THESE BE?
RAMI- DO NOT FLATTER YOURSELF, ZARIFA. I NEED YOU TO FIND OUT SOMETHING FOR ME.

Panel 4- Rami is talking to Zarifa earnestly. She is trying to keep the disgust off her face.

CAPTION- WHEN THE MINYA CRUMBLE, RAMI, I WILL HUMILIATE YOU AS *MY* PLAYTHING AND THEN TOSS YOU ASIDE.

Page 14

Panel 1- Market Scene. Speaker (Tariq) on a box, near an alleyway. He’s in a junior priest’s Robe, close-cropped hair. Light skin. Passionately waving his arms/speaking. A throng of people around him (mostly poor/slaves).

CAPTION- THERE WILL BE NO PEACE IN ATALAYA WHILE THE ALMIRA AND THE SHAMMARA SQUABBLE OVER THE TRIANGLE OF LIGHT.. THEY ARE OUR OPPRESSORS..

Panel 2- Different angle, you can see the Rida soldiers making their way through the throng, while the Almira is behind them. The crowd is slowly starting to disperse, although the speaker is still talking, albeit more hurriedly.

TARIQ- SEE HOW HE MOCKS YOU, SITTING ATOP THE SHOULDERS OF YOUR KINSMEN. LIKE A SPIDER, ATOP HIS VICTIMS!

Panel 3- The soldiers are almost at the “speaker’s corner” but Tariq has left, you can see the end of his robe disappearing to the side of the soldiers, between a beast of burden (Toraskar, massive desert animal, twice size of elephant/looks more like a lizard, covered in large off-white panels) and a large cart filled with fertiliser.

SARGENT- WHERE HAS THAT INFIDEL GONE?
SFX-KABOOOOOMMMMMMMMM
SARGENT- WHAT THE…

Panel 4- Everyone in the market is now staring transfixing of the great clouds of smoke coming from the distance, you can see a building crashing down.

SARGENT- THE GREAT TEMPLE! HURRY, MEN!

Page 15

Panel 1- Noura is flying through the air, towards the Feroq mountains, her body covered in yellow-green flames, her arms upwards, the flames surging upwards from her body, eyes however aglow red. She looks like pure, raw power.

CAPTION 1- “ATOP THE HIGHEST MOUNTAIN OF FEROQ, A GREAT CRASH OF THUNDER AND FIRE,”
CAPTION 2- “THE CREST OF THE MOUNTAIN RIPPED ASUNDER, A VALLEY RESTS WHERE ONCE ROCK ROSE,”

Panel 2- Noura is now standing in the midst of a huge crater (mountains around her), she is panting, her garments are untouched. Flames are still surrounding her, although it has begun to subside.

CAPTION 1- “FIRE OF HEAVEN, FIRE FROM HELL, WRATH IN DARKNESS COME,”

CAPTION 2- “LIGHT SEE BY ALL YET UNSEEN, STRIKE THE PRIEST DOWN AND TEAR THE TEMPLE DOWN,”

Panel 3- Mansour and Jabir are back in their Palace. They are looking horrified at each other. The sound of something far away should be behind them.

SFX- CRAAAAAAAAAAAAACKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKK
CAPTION - “RISE PHOENIX, COME HARBINGER, RUN ALL YOU WHO FEAR,”

Panel 4- Both men are running into the secret opening to the hidden room, a yellow-green light is shining ahead of them.

CAPTION- “HIDE NOT NEAR THESE WALLS, FLEE TO THE HILLS, MAKE HASTE AND DO NOT TURN BACK.”- FROM THE SCARED TEXT OF THE KATEB

Panel 5- Focused on the Altar of Sulwyn, it’s burning intensely with the same yellow-green flames that were part of Noura.

JABIR (OP)- MY LORD, IT IS THE PROPHECY….IT HAS BEGUN….

Panel 6- Back to the crater and Noura is now kneeling down on the ground, her head in her hands (she is wearing the same outfit as when she knocked down Yzomtec, albeit soiled\ash-covered now, her hair is falling around her face). She is hunched over in despair.

NOURA- WHAT HAVE I BECOME… WHAT IN THE KATEB’S NAME HAVE I BECOME….

Page 16

Panel 1- Mansour is on his throne, Jabir next to him (lower down). Two Shorans in front of him, the Herk-Lord and a smaller-sized one.

MANSOUR- MHARME! WHAT HAS YOUR SCOUT HAVE TO REPORT?
MHARME- A VALLEY NOW EXISTS WHERE THE FEROQ ONCE STOOD WITH A WOMAN IN ITS CENTER.
MHARME- SHE IS THE HEART OF THE TRIANGLE, HE FEARED TO STEP NEARER.

Panel 2- Close-up of Mansour’s face. Scheming half-smile.

MANSOUR- NOW THAT IS INTERESTING!
MANSOUR- GUARDS!

Panel 3- Jabir is looking at Mansour in disbelief. In front of them are the two still steaming corpses of the Shorans.

JABIR- MY LORD! THOSE WERE THE LAST TWO SHORANS? WHY KILL THEM?
MANSOUR- JABIR, THEY ONCE OWNED THE TRIANGLE OF FIERY LIGHT AND THEY COVET IT STILL. I CANNOT ALLOW ANYONE WITH MORE AMBITION THAN MYSELF.

Panel 4- Noura’s room with its ceiling blasted open- Night sky clear, the stars and twin moons providing the room only illumination. A Man (Raheem) standing in the doorway, eyes very sad. He’s dressed as a slave but his better materials etc marks his level in the household.

CAPTION- IT SEEMS LIKE A BAD DREAM. IT SEEMS HARD TO BELIEVE THAT THE ONE I LOVE COULD HAVE CREATED SUCH DESTRUCTION.

Panel 5- He’s joined by Zarifa now in the doorway.

ZARIFA- WHY SO SAD, RAHEEM?
RAHEEM- IT WAS MY HOME, ZARIFA. SUCH DESTRUCTION IS HARD TO SEE.
ZARIFA- IT WAS MY HOME TOO. YOU DON’T SEE ME SHED ANY TEARS.
RAHEEM- MY REASONS FOR BEING HERE WERE SOMEWHAT.. DIFFERENT, ZARIFA.

Page 17

Panel 1- Raheem is walking away from Zarifa down a corridor. She is trying to following him.

ZARIFA- ARE YOU GOING TO THE FEROQ VALLEY, RAHEEM?
RAHEEM- THERE IS NO REASON FOR ME TO BE THERE.
ZARIFA- *SHE* IS THERE. DON’T THINK ME IGNORANT OF YOUR LOVE AFFAIR, RAHEEM.

Panel 2- At the stables (it’s dark), Raheem has saddled up a horse and is now sitting on it about to leave. Zarifa has a horse by the reins, looking at Raheem.

RAHEEM- WHY WOULD YOU WANT TO FOLLOW ME, ZARIFA?
ZARIFA- FOR FUN? NOTHING’S GOING ON HERE THAT I CARE TO SEE.
RAHEEM- VERY WELL, ZARIFA. LET US GO TO THE FEROQ VALLEY THEN.

Panel 3- we can see the two figures riding off from the side of the stables. Looking at the figures is Rami, but he’s standing oddly still. He has a glowing red amulet in his hand (big jewel in its centre).

VOICE- DO THEY BELIEVE THAT THEY ARE DOING THIS ON THEIR FREE WILL OR MERELY PLAYING A PART? THAT IS THE QUESTION.
RAMI- YES, MASTER.
VOICE- NOW, RAMI, LET US FIND THE ALTAR OF SULWYN.
VOICE- YES, MASTER.

Panel 4- Raheem and Zarifa riding across the Lurea plains at a frantic pace.

CAPTION 1- “YOU MUST SEE FORWARD, YOU MUST SEE WHAT YOU MUST DO.” “WHAT IF I CAN’T?”
CAPTION 2- “THEN PEOPLE WILL DIE. YOU WILL DIE.”
Panel 5- Raheem and Zarifa leading the horses up a steep path, lush forest around them.
CAPTION 1- “INACTION AND NEGLECT AS MUCH AS MALEVOLENCE CAN CAUSE THE SAME AMOUNT OF PAIN. THIS IS WHY YOUR HAND MUST NOW BE FORCED.”
CAPTION 2- “YES, BUT….”
CAPTION 3- DO NOT BE AFRAID…

Page 18

Panel 1- Zarifa and Raheem are now at the edge of the crater, one path only, the rest all rocky, nasty place! You can see a woman’s figure in the center. The horses are tethered nearby.

ZARIFA- THERE SHE IS.
RAHEEM- SHE LOOKS SO DELICATE, SO HARD TO BELIEVE THAT SHE CAUSED SO MUCH DESTRUCTION.
ZARIFA- BELIEVE IT. WHAT NEXT?
RAHEEM- I DON’T KNOW. I KNOW THAT I JUST HAD TO BE HERE.

Panel 2- Zarifa is looking at Raheem with a frown. He can’t tear his eyes away from Noura in the distance.

RAHEEM- I DON’T EVEN THINK THAT SHE’D RECOGNISE ME..
VOICE (OP)- WHY DON’T WE ASK HER?

Panel 3- Zarifa is on the ground, a welt across her, looks unconscious. Rami’s sword tip is at Raheem’s throat, his eyes glowing red, amulet around his neck. Rami looks like poor evil. Raheem is calm though.

RAMI- LET US TAKE A WALK TO YOUR LOVER, RAHEEM.
RAHEEM- WHAT DO YOU WANT WITH YOUR SISTER, RAMI?

Panel 4- Raheem is blocking the entrance to the crater. Rami has a feral grin on his face, his sword still at Raheem’s throat, a little pinprick of blood can be seen.

RAMI- COME WITH ME AND FIND OUT…
RAHEEM- NO, I WON’T LET YOU GET TO HER. YOU’D HAVE TO KILL ME FIRST.
RAMI- SO BE IT…

Panel 5- The sword is sticking out from Raheem’s rib cage. Rami is smiling coldly, Raheem is on his knees, his face in shock.

CAPTION 1- “THERE WAS NO SAVING HIM. YOU MUST KNOW THIS.”
CAPTION 2- “HE DIDN’T HAVE TO DIE.”

Panel 6 – Zarifa’s awake now, looking in horror at Raheem’s body on the ground, Rami is gloating, his back to her.

CAPTION 1- “YOU WILL UNDERSTAND SOON ENOUGH.”
CAPTION 2-“NO. WHEN I’M THROUGH WITH THEM, I’M COMING AFTER YOU.”


Page 19

Panel 1- (small panel) Zarifa stumbling as she runs towards the panicked horses, her face full of fear.

ZARIFA- I’VE NEVER SEEN RAMI SO EMOTIONLESS. I NEED TO GET OUT OF HERE!

Panel 2- (small panel) Zarifa is on a horse but the animal is petrified and won’t move.

ZARIFA- MOVE, YOU BLASTED ANIMAL!

Panel 3- The horse is now clam, with Noura’s hand on the bridle. Zarifa is still sat on the horse, looking fearful. Noura’s eyes are glowing red but she is calm, the horse is behind her, back to normal.

NOURA- YOU ARE TO COME WITH ME, ZARIFA.
ZARIFA- RAMI? RAHEEM IS…..?
NOURA- HE…HAS..LEFT…US..FOR…NOW. LET US HOPE THAT HIS SUFFERING WAS NOT IN VAIN.

Panel 4- Closer look at Noura/Zarifa. Noura is very calm but those red eyes are really eerie. Zarifa looks perplexed but scared too.

ZARIFA- WHAT OF RAMI… THE AWENA…
NOURA- RAMI HAS DISAPPEARED. IT IS NOT THE TIME TO PURSUE HIM.

Panel 5- They are riding. Zarifa’s looking back at the crater, which has been transformed to a lake, beautiful lush greenery.

ZARIFA- WHAT IN THE KATEB’S NAME…
NOURA- ZARIFA, THERE IS MUCH YOU DO NOT UNDERSTAND.

Page 20

Panel 1- Rami is sat up in bed, wincing, clutching at his neck. He’s in a simple bed, worn covers. Sputtering oil lantern providing only illumination.

RAMI- THE AWENA! I HAD THEM IN MY SIGHTS! I COULD HAVE DESTROYED THE SHAMMARA..WHERE IS IT?
VOICE (OP)- HUSH, MY CHILD. YOU SPEAK SUCH NONSENSE.

Panel 2- Rami looks furious/shocked at being addressed in that way. An old woman (Feryal) has come out of the shadows, dressed in peasant garb, dark,faded colours. Figure still good and face has remnants of beauty but marked by heavy suffering.

RAMI- HOW DARE YOU ADDRESS ME IN SUCH A MANNER? I AM HEIR TO THE ALMIRA!
FERYAL- RAMI, THESE FACTS DO NOT MATTER, NOT TO YOUR MOTHER.

Panel 3- Rami looks on in disbelief, bewildred. Feryal is pouring dark red liquid from a carafe into a goblet, back to him.

RAMI- MOTHER? MY MOTHER DIED MANY YEARS AGO, PUT TO DEATH FOR HER ADULTERY!
FERYAL- BELIEVE THAT IF THAT GIVES YOU COMFORT, RAMI. KAMALI HAS DONE HIS WORK WELL, YOU ARE NOT A SON THAT I CAN BE PROUD OF.

Panel 4- (small panel) Feryal has handed Rami the goblet, he looks at it skeptically.

FERYAL- MY NAME IS FERYAL, RAMI, I AM A HEALER NOW. DRINK THIS, IT WILL EASE YOUR PAIN.

Panel 5- Rami is sipping the goblet, he’s eased back onto the pillows, he looks less uncomfortable.

FERYAL- I GAVE BIRTH TO YOU, RAMI, BUT KAMALI WAS NOT ALLOWED TO MARRY ME. YOUR GRANDFATHER SAW TO THAT. NOURA HERSELF IS THE PRODUCT OF KAMALI’S AFFAIR WITH HEBA, YZOMTEC’S DAUGHTER.
FERYAL- POLITICALLY NECESSARY MARRIAGES DO NOT ALWAYS PRODUCE HEIRS, RAMI.

Panel 6- Rami’s eyes are growing weak. He is trying to protest but his limbs are heavy, falling into a deep, drugged sleep.

RAMI- NO, IT’S NOT TRUE…..WAIT…THE AWENA…
FERYAL- IT WAS NOT YOURS TO POSSESS. WITH SUCH A BLACK HEART SUCH AS YOURS, THE AWENA WILL TURN TO EVIL THINGS.
FERYAL- IT IS NOW SAFE WITH ONE WHO IS GOOD AND WHO WAS SAVED BEFORE HIS DEATH. REST NOW MY SON. YOU WILL NEED YOUR STRENGTH SOON ENOUGH.

Page 21

Panel 1- Back in Nadda (capital city), Shammara, King’s Great Hall (where throne is). Jabir is bowing in front of Mansour.

JABIR- MY LORD, PRINCESS NOURA AND AN UNKNOWN COMPANION APPROACH NADDA. THE ALMIRA’S ARMY ALSO MARCHES IN THE SAME DIRECTION.
MANSOUR- PERFECT. WITHDRAW OUR ARMIES INTO NADDA. THE TRIANGLE MUST BE BROUGHT TOGETHER.

Panel 2- Jabir and Mansour are heading to the secret room where the Altar of Sulwyn is hidden.

MANSOUR- LET US READY THIS GREAT HALL FOR OUR GUESTS, JABIR. MOVE THE ALTAR TO THE CENTER OF THIS ROOM AND HAVE THOSE MEN SHOT…IN CASE…
JABIR- ..AS YOU WISH, MY LORD.

Panel 3- Noura and Zarifa have reached the palace gates. They are walking through the gates uncontested.

NOURA- I KNOW RAMI USED YOU TO BRING RAHEEM TO ME, THE HEART OF THE TRIANGLE. THE AWENA KNOWS THAT I WOULD NOT HAVE ALLOWED HIM TO BE KILLED.
ZARIFA- SO HE’S DEAD..
NOURA- NOT QUITE. THE AWENA NEEDS A HOST. RAMI FULFILLED THAT ROLE AND NOW RAHEEM… HAS. IT IS TIME FOR ME TO RIGHT ALL.

Page 22

Panel 1- Rami is sitting on a chair, his mother facing him. He looks groggy but back to normal. Some bandages are on him. They are both in earnest conversation.

RAMI- SO I FOUND THE AWENA IN FATHER’S CHAMBERS.. IT SPOKE TO ME..AND THE REST YOU KNOW.
FERYAL- RAMI, WE HAVEN’T MUCH TIME NOW. YOU MUST TAKE THIS WEAPON AND GET TO NADDA BEFORE THE RITUAL OF THE TRIANGLE IS FINISHED. WHEN THEY KISS, THAT IS THE MOMENT TO SEIZE! YOU MUST MAKE SURE…. AACCKK…

Panel 2- An arrow has pierced Feryal’s heart and she’s slumped down to the ground. Rami is facing his father with fury in his eyes.

KAMALI- WHATEVER LIES THIS WOMAN HAS TOLD YOU…
RAMI- NO, FATHER, SHE OFFERED ME A PURPOSE, CLARITY. YOU ARE A CROOKED OLD MAN. LET US HOPE YOUR ACTIONS DO NOT DOOM US TO ALL ETERNITY. I MUST GET TO NADDA NOW!

Panel 3- Mansour is waiting in the Great Hall on his throne, watching the Altar of Sulwyn which is now in its center. To his right, Tariq (the man from the square) is coming out of a secret passage.

MANSOUR- AHH, BROTHER… HOW IS THE REBELLION?
TARIQ- ALL ACCORDING TO PLAN, BROTHER. MAJA WILL WELCOME YOU WITH OPEN ARMS!

Panel 4- Mansour and Tariq are smiling at each other in anticipation. To their right, Raheem is entering the Great Hall. His eyes glowing red, his walk a little stilted.

MANSOUR- AND SO IT BEGINS… WELCOME, AWENA….

Panel 5- Noura and Zarifa are outside the Great Hall, looking up at a window.

NOURA- IT IS ALMOST TIME, ZARIFA. LET US GO.
ZARIFA- GO? BUT…
NOURA- TAKE MY HAND, ZARIFA.

Panel 6- Noura and Zarifa are floating up into the window. Both are surrounded by yellow-green flames.

Page 23

Panel 1- Noura and Zarifa have entered the Great Hall, Mansour is in great delight, standing near the Altar. Tariq is near the throne, looking on in amazement.

MANSOUR- TARIQ, ALL THE PIECES ARE PRESENT, THEY ARE ALL MINE!

Panel 2- The Almira is on his steed, armies behind him. He is watching Rami riding off into the distance, his expression full of regret and sadness.
KAMALI- YES, SON, WHAT HAVE I DONE INDEED? I HOPE YOUR MOTHER DID NOT TELL YOU OF YOUR ORIGINS.. OR NOURA’S, THAT SHE IS NOT OF MY BLOOD AT ALL.

KAMALI- TEHLAL, FERYAL’S HUSBAND WAS RESPONSIBLE IN HIDING THE HEART OF THE TRIANGLE. BOTH MY WIFE AND FERYAL BECAME PREGNANT AT THE SAME TIME. COINCIDENCE? WHO KNOWS… WHAT BETTER WAY TO HIDE THE KEY THAN IN HIS SEED…

Panel 3- Tichigera has ridden up next to the Almira who is still musing to himself.

TICHIGERA- MY LORD? DO WE CONTINUE?
KAMALI- YES, TICHIGERA.. LET US HOPE WE ARE IN TIME…

Panel 4- The Almira and his army riding at full pace towards Nadda, arms drawn.

CAPTION- FOR ALL OF MAJA……..*CHARGE!!!*

Page 24

Panel 1- Swirling light, grainy feel to it.

CAPTION- WHAT IS HAPPENING? I CAN’T SEE! JABIR! TARIQ!

Panel 2- Mansour is kneeling on the ground in front of the Altar, clutching his hands to his eyes.

VOICE (op)- YOU ARE NOT BLIND, MANSOUR OF THE SHAMMARA.
MANSOUR- WHAT..WHO ARE YOU?
VOICE (OP)- WE ARE THE LIGHT….
MANSOUR- … BUT I NOW POSSESS CONTROL OF THAT LIGHT..
VOICE (OP)- *YOU CONTROL NOTHING!*

Panel 3- Mansour is blinking, around him, Jabir, Tariq, guards all unconscious. Instead of the Altar, a throne of fire with Raheem and Noura on it, Noura is sat astride Raheem. Their skin has turned almost obsidian, eyes glowing brightly, flames around them. It is very seductive, like two lovers carressing each other.

VOICE- WE ARE CONTROLLING YOU, MANSOUR. TO BRING US BACK TOGETHER.
MANSOUR- NOO.. THAT CAN’T BE TRUE… YOU AREN’T ALIVE..

Panel 4- Mansour looks bewildered, Raheem and Noura continue to carress each other intimately, but it looks really freaky, other-worldly.

VOICE- WE HAVE BEEN ALIVE SINCE THE DAWN OF YOUR WORLD, THE BRINGERS OF LIFE AND THE HARBINGERS OF DEATH. THE JEREON CURSED US SO WE MAY NOT FIND EACH OTHER.
VOICE- AND YOU HAVE BROUGHT US BACK TOGETHER…

Panel 5- Mansour is shaking his head in disbelief. Behind him, the window rings with the sound of an approaching army..

SFX- BOOM BOOM BOOM…
MANSOUR- NO.. THIS IS NOT WHAT IS SUPPOSED TO HAPPEN!
VOICE (OP)- SMILE, MANSOUR OF THE SHAMMARA.. YOU WILL NOW BEAR WITNESS TO THE DESTRUCTION OF YOUR WORLD…

Page 25

Panel 1- Rami is running into the Great Hall, guards comatose around him. He is determined but unsure of himself.

RAMI- ALL THESE GUARDS… DEAD…WHAT HAS HAPPENED? AM I TOO LATE…

Panel 2- Mansour is now truly frightened, he’s bowing down before the throne.

CAPTION- WAIT…. BUT I’M ALIVE… PERHAPS THIS MEAN THAT I CAN CONTROL THIS AWESOME POWER.

Panel 3- Mansour is stood up, looking more confident. Noura is looking at him, Raheem buried in her neck, invitingly.

CAPTION YES…THEY INVITE ME TO JOIN THEM..I ONLY NEED TO QUOTE THE ANCIENT LORE TO BECOME ALL POWERFUL.

MANSOUR- AHMEEM SONAH CREATUE DOSREHM…AHMEM SONAH CREATUE DOSREHM FINAI! RAKAT BRANAI!

Panel 4- Noura and Raheem are watching him, their unholy eyes observing him with interest. Mansour is faltering, seeing no effect. His confidence is dwindling.

MANSOUR- NO, THIS CANNOT BE! I HAVE SAID THE LORE.. YOU MUST OBEY ME!
VOICE- PATHETIC AND PREDICTABLE..WHY DO YOU THINK YOU WERE SPARED?
VOICE- BUT TO WITNESS YOUR DEFEAT…

Panel 5- Close- up of Mansour’s face. Filled with unbelievable fear.

Page 26

Panel 1- Rami is watching in horror as the two who were once human extend their hands. Mansour is crumpled on the floor, surrounded in flames, his flesh burning off. No scream could be heard although his mouth was open…

NOURA- YOU WERE MEANT TO DIE A QUICK DEATH IN KEDMA, MANSOUR OF THE SHAMMARA BUT YOUR ARROGANCE COULD NEVER GO UNPUNISHED.

Panel 2- Rami is frightened but is frozen to the spot as Mansour has now burnt into a pile of ash.

CAPTION- AM I GUILTY OF THE SAME? “WITH SUCH A BLACK HEART SUCH AS YOURS, THE AWENA WILL TURN TO EVIL THINGS.” AM I TO DIE NEXT?

Panel 3- Noura and Raheem are now turning towards each other, their lips about to touch in a kiss.

CAPTION- “WHEN THEY KISS, FATE AND DESTINY BREAK AWAY FOR AN INSTANT…TO SAVE ALL EXISTENCE, YOU MUST MAKE SURE IT’S NOT..”

Panel 4 -(small panel) Rami has plunged the intricately carved sword into his heart.

RAMI- …. ME…..

Page 27

Panel 1- A young girl (Iyala) sitting bolt upright in bed. Bedroom is richly furnished. Next to her with a large heavy book on her lap is an older woman with a motherly face (Nadja). The girl is cinnamon skinned, long dark hair, dressed in a nightie, maybe around 12 years old. The woman looks like a nursemaid.

IYALA- NOOOOO! HE CAN’T DIE, NADJA! HE WAS SUPPOSED TO SAVE THE WORLD!
NADJA- HUSH, IYALA, IF HE HADN’T SUCCEEDED, WHERE WOULD THE WORLD BE, I WONDER?
NADJA- MY CHILD. BE A GOOD GIRL AND LET ME FINISH. IT IS LONG PAST YOUR BEDTIME AND THE QUEEN WILL BE CROSS WITH ME.

Panel 2- Iyala has laid back down on the bed, wiping her face with her sleeve. Nadja continues to read from the large, heavy book.

NADJA- “THE FLAMES AROUND THE THRONE CENTERED INSTEAD ON RAMI’S BODY, CHANNELED THROUGH THE METAL OF THAT SPECIAL BLADE. HIS NEARLY LIFELESS BODY JOINED NOURA AND RAHEEM ON THE THRONE, HIS WOUND HEALING ITSELF….”

Panel 3- Iyala is so into the story, her mouth is open, eyes aglow with excitement. Nadja merely looks placid, unconcerned as she reads.

NADJA- “THE SPIRT OF THE ALTAR HAD ENTERED RAMI AND WITH THE THREE HUMAN HOSTS, DEVASTATION WAS AVERTED… ALL THOSE WHO DIED IN THE PALACE NOW LIVED AGAIN… AND PEACE CAME TO THE LAND.”

Panel 4- Iyala is smiling happily. Nadja is closing the book, her eyes on the mini- sun-dial near the lamp.

IYALA- AND THEN NOURA AND RAHEE WERE MARRIED AND HAD RAMIRA WHO MARRIED JONAS.. AND HAD QUININA WHO HAD HAYBURN AND HAD ME!
NADJA- YES, YES, CHILD. AND RAMI WENT OFF TO SEEK SOLITUDE.. TIME FOR BED, YOUNG ONE.

Panel 5- Iyala is being tucked in by her nursemaid, her face deep in thought.

IYALA- DID IT REALLY HAPPEN THAT WAY, NADJA? WHY DID RAMI NEVER COME BACK?..DID THE MAJAN ARMY TAKE OVER MANSOUR’S KINGDOM?

Panel 6- Iyala is yawning as she lies down, turned to the side. Her nursemaid is in the doorway, her hand on the doorknob, lamp in her other hand.

NADJA- ANOTHER TALE FOR ANOTHER NIGHT, IYALA. GO TO SLEEP.
IYALA- TOMORROW NIGHT THEN?
NADJA- YES, IYALA.. TOMORROW NIGHT….

[banshee]

......... waits..........

I guess everyone's collapsed from Triangle script overload? LOL

c&cs anyone?

[legend of 8]

Hoooooooooly crap Banshee, that's a lotta writin' from you. I only had time to read part of it... you can get on my case later and remind me to read the rest. ^_^

The only thing I have to say is that in the descriptions you make for the artist, you make it seem more like things the reader should know... that's the only thing I don't understand in the script. Your descriptions are good.

Again, remind me to finish reading it later... it's lunch time.

[legend of 8]

Well, I finally read through it all (and what a read it was) and let me tell ya, that's some good shit.

I'm a little confused on some of the characters, but then again, this seems to be one of those stories that's supposed to have a lot of twists.

The ending is a bit of a shocker... but leaves it very open for the next "story". But I can't help but maybe get the feeling that this isn't quite how it all really "ended".

Good setup. It gets a thumbs up from me. Keep up the good work Banshee.

[banshee]

thank u

I will hv to say, legend, it wasnt all my doing. The original story was written by a series of writers, a story round (round robin kinda thing). I only wrote the first part and the.. err, 9th part? 8th? I cant remember now ROFL I just converted the story into a script as well.

http://pjexercises.cuddlyfamily.com for the FULL story.

We still have slots on our 2nd story round still available if you are interested, legend

thanks again for taking the time to read!

[banshee]

.....

Hmm...

[NickRocks]

good stuff.

[banshee]

thanks

it was a blast working along wt everyone on the story and a heck of a learning experience trying to convert it into a script LOL

any other c&cs!?

[Ben Christensen]

Okay, here we go...

I've got comments on the whole thing, but mostly I did a good once over on the parts that were mine (Page 16-Panel 1 through Page 17-Panel 3 and Page 21-Panel 1 through Page 23-Panel 1).

Page 16 - Panel 1
- The elimination of the "Yes. Master" opening stuff. Without it the last lines seemed too... out of nowhere.

Page 16 - Panel 3
- Why no panel actually showing the deaths of the Shoran? We get the command and then they're just magically dead. I would think that a panel of them getting... well whatever death makes them smoke, could have been fit it so that everything flowed a little better.

- Small text change that bugged me. "allow anyone" instead of "use anyone". That change doesn't make a whole lot of sense to me, since using someone is what Mansour does the whole time.

Page 21 - Panel 2
- What men? You took out the couple of words that explains having men move the altar so the "...have them all shot" line makes sense. The way it is in the script, it's unclear who's going to get shot.

Page 22 - Panel 1
- The rework of the line "...allowing anyone to recieve power. To save all existence, you must make sure it's not..." I liked that it was an up in the air kind of thing. At that point the reader has no idea who's suppossed to be in the chair and who isn't. The killing of the mother before she finishes still works, but what she says has less punch.

Page 22 - Panel 3
- Again, we lose the month of Kedma. I threw in a bit of dialogue that explained the deadline in the begining. I thought it gave a better understanding of why the Mansour was doing all of this. I'm kind of confussed as to why it was taken out.

OVERALL
I think that it skips around a lot. I can understand how that happened though, knowing what the source was, but there doesn't seem to be a good sense of flow in a number of spots.

The dialogue was cut back. It seems to me that a lot of the longer statements were cut down for space, but I don't think that most of them would have bogged it down too much.

It's a decent script, I appriciate it more knowing what it started as and how monsterous a task it would have been to convert it. I just think that too many things might have been changed when they didn't need to be.

-Ben

[banshee]

Thanks Ben, I appreciate you taking the time do this, I know u r real bz

yeah, it was a hard one, and I did hv a tough time trying to keep it short and sweet, even then it hit a 27pager!

I'm gng to collect all the c&cs and re-work the script again. I really wanted to get they-who-wrote-the-original's feedback as it's their baby too ya know?

Thanks again!

later days
lia etc