rough page

[M@u::]

hello there
this is only one page rough from my own book(proposal)
can you tell me some CC?
tx!

[EddieChingLives]

The remote control needs more detail. It looks like he's just playing with some big Kit-Kats.

There's too much detail in the T.V. Lady. When drawing tv images, try to simplify, so it makes the world outside of the t.v. more detailed.

Also, try to dress up your blank walls or floors when you find a chance. A picture frame, throw rug, coffee table, door, or window does wonders.

[Caimano]

Hi M@U,
the page storytelling is fine we can understand the guy is turning on the TV news and he's sitting at the table drinking.
I'm with Eddy telling you add more details in order to tell a story with images...this guy is a smoker, he's living in a rich home or not, he's reading sex magazine or computer ones?
The TV should be really big because from the last panel I got it's standing on the floor, Pay attention on the hands especially in the last panel ( I can see the righ hand thumb a bit weird)

Show us more

[M@u::]

before to detail the page whit buttons,flowers,window etc. etc.
I need a sketch page(rough page) to understood if my sequential sounds good for the writer...so if I have change something I can do faster and whit out cryning!!

tx i'll remeber your tips!

[voypro]

I would think about flipping the first panel. The remote is pointing your eye away from the progression of the story.

I would also think about changing the tv a bit. you have 2 pretty big tv on the page. I would either change either the mid or bottom panel to include less tv and more story elements. Some foreshadowing object or something. Also, The tv is a good way to show a time progression. The talking head chick does not do that. If she a reporter on the scene and you could use the TV like a insert panel showing a change in action and progression in story time. The same image of her twice does not advancte the story progression

just some thoughts.

[Logan Fray]

The thumb looks weird because a top of a thumb cant bend like that.

[M@u::]

tx for your attention...!
I'll fix that and i hope to post asap my finished pencil about thant and as well other stuff.
take care;cap;