Hey something I drew up before I left work.

[GoatboyBBMA]

I did these two in about 45 minutes from pencil to ink. I had to get this little bit of story out before I got away from the hell of answering phone calls. Fun fun fun.

The main character is called The Doll. I showed a picture of her earlier this week in another section. Anyway here are the pics.




And here is the original image design.


Goatboy
Broadband My Ass (My webcomic)

[Cuddly]

Hi there GoatboyBBMA!

I don't recall ever seeing your stuff here, so I'm gonna assume this is (one of) your first post here. If so, welcome to PJ in general and S&SA in particular!

This is some really good stuff! Your character "The Doll" is seriously freaky! Definitely the stuff of nightmares as she steps out of the shadows in Pg1Pn2! I'm impressed that you took only 45 minutes to do this (inking and lettering included?). Now on to the crits:

Page 1:

Panel 1 - an interesting way to start the story. But it's only because of the word balloons of the man huffing and puffing that I'm able to tell he's running from something. It'd have been a stronger panel if his head had been turned back to look over his shoulder in fear. And modify the pose to more closely resemble a running pose (like you have in Panel 2). Right now, it's hard to tell that he's running (though the movement implied in the hair is a good touch).

Panel 2 - A fantastic panel! It's crystal clear what's happening here. Also, the figure of The Doll emerging from the shadows is seriously freaky. And the use of the nursery rhyme just adds to the spooky atmosphere. Just a couple of things to watch, both to do with his arms:
1) His right hand (our left) looks like it was a corrected sketch. There's that line running across the top of the fingers that I think you could get rid of.
2) It's not immediately apparent whether his left arm is supposed to be ahead of his torso or behind it. You might want to clear that up a little.

Panel 3 - No major complaints here, though I'm not sure the bird's-eye view is the best choice of POV for this.


Page 2:
Panel 1 - Again, coupled with the dialog in this panel, we're able to interpret what's happening. However, without the dialog to reinforce it, it could be misconstrued that the running man's just stubbed his toe on something or run his foot into a wall. You might want to pull back a bit and actually show him stumble, just to make sure everything's clear.

Panel 2 - gotta love that super-scary Doll! However, again for the sake of clarity, I'd suggest perhaps show clearly that the man has now fallen and is on the ground, perhaps on his hands and knees. At the moment, it's not super clear. A worm's eye shot of him on his hands and knees with The Doll walking in might work better.

Panel 4 - Again, for the sake of clarity, we need to be sure we're looking at a gun pointing at the guy's head. Perhaps alter the POV so we can see The Doll's hand holding the gun. Also, clean up the shot so we're positive it's the guy's head we're looking at.

Overall, I like your storytelling. I know it seems like I had a lot of crits, but they were mainly relatively minor things that you could do to tweak the clarity a little more. And again, I'm impressed you were able to do this in 45 minutes. Was it done digitally? I'd love to see you post more stuff here. The Doll looks to be like a really fascinating character.

[GoatboyBBMA]

Thank you for the wonderful critique. Your points were very valid and when I rework this story I am definately going to change the things you pointed out to make it a much stronger work. Of course the big thing is that I did it very quickly. I ink the image and added the massive blacks and lettering using photoshop.

Here is the first page to a second story I am working on.


Goatboy
Broadband My Ass (Webcomic)

[EddieChingLives]

Nice black and white contrast. Work on the backgrounds though. I have no idea where this is happening.

And I'm not sure the white text in the black balloons is really working.

But mainly, just work on your backgrounds. Adding a door, window, or some stairs might make all the difference in the world.

[GoatboyBBMA]

I wanted the emphasis on the characters. And the idea that the guy is completely lost. That he can't escape. If there is a door or something else for him in the room then there is a chance for him to get out.

Now these are just test pages for some simple ideas I wanted to complete and I also wanted to finish these in a quick amount of time to just make sure the idea felt correct. That is another reason for lack of background. Now in the later work I will spend a good deal more time working on the art and thus there will be some background, lights, etc.

Thanks for the crit.

Goatboy