I've posted in the art sections here at Penciljack before but this is my first time in the writers forum.
I am writing a comic book story mostly for my own enjoyment. But if I actually finish with something I like I might actually draw and color it.
Anyway, I'm trying to write a character and plot focused story ( in that order). The story is about a prototype spaceship built with hybrid alien-terran technology. Basically it's a flying saucer. Earth has recently made contact with ET intellegence and in order to become a member race of a galactic empire is beginning to send ships to serve the Empire.
The Adventurous is the first of these ships. The new ships run on gravity drives that distort space-time to achieve faster-than-light travel. So in the 2nd scene The Adventurous has just arrived in Empire space, about fifty light-years away, after two months of travel.
The 1st scene introduces two of the major characters from the Empire.
The scenes were scrapped and rewritten a few, times.
C&Cs welcome.
!!OOPS 1st TWO scenes!!
--------------------------
Note: All dialog in this scene is in Karaqin. Translation brackets "<>" should encapsulate all dialog and a note should be made in the first panel.
/Long shot. The inky blackness of space is decorated with sparkling stars, scattered recklessly like diamonds on yards of velvet. They are concentrated along a linear path, portraying an arm of the galaxy, the Milkyway. /From this concentration of stars an orb of light, much like a star itself, floats toward us. /The orb drifts closer and it becomes apparent that this is not star but star craft. /As it floats past, through the cockpit window GONERIL can be seen piloting the craft. /The view shifts to follow the orb and beyond the orb MNENGIS outpost looms impressively like a thunder cloud on the horizon. MNENGIS looks like a glistening white, Queen Anne's Lace flower with tiny bees buzzing around it. Inside the space craft PRINCESS ISOLEI sits behind GONERIL, legs crossed in a sophisticated pose. She is studying text from a hand reader. A small holographic screen, with alien text on it, floats above the device in her hand. ISOLEI does not look at GONERIL as she speaks.
PRINCESS ISOLEI: I shall not have enough time to fully prepare. You are a poor pilot to bring me to Mnengis so late, Goneril.
/New angle. GONERIL does not respond but makes adjustments to the controls. ISOLEI sighs.
PRINCESS ISOLEI: Why are we off schedule, Goneril? It was unnecessary to stop at Jarit.
GONERIL: When we left Kharaq territory I noticed two ships following us. I wished to discover who pursued us and so I landed at Jarit--
/Facing GONERIL over-the-shoulder. ISOLEI looks up from her hand reader.
PRINCESS ISOLEI: The prices for tarrin silk were outrageous! I only bothered to purchase two dresses-- a waste of time.
GONERIL: Yes.
/Same angle. ISOLEI returns to her texts.
PRINCESS ISOLEI: Continue, Goneril.
GONERIL: Yes, my lady. As we landed so did the two ships. While you were shopping I... dispatched our pursuers and had their ships impounded.
/Close on GONERIL.
PRINCESS ISOLEI: Did you discover their identities?
GONERIL: No Princess Isolei, I could not... convince them to speak.
Page 2
Scene: Threat (cont'd)
As MNENGIS outpost grows larger in the viewport two foo-fighters approach the PRINCESS' ship, the OSIKIRI. They are scruffy looking fighters and it is obvious to both the PRINCESS and GONERIL that they do not belong to the Empire. The fighters fire upon the OSIKIRI and GONERIL evades. GONERIL radios MNENGIS.
GONERIL: Mnengis this is Empire craft Osikiri, we are under attack. Requesting immediate assistance.
MNENGIS CONTROL: Osikiri, fighters have already been dispatched and will be there shortly.
GONERIL fires back as the foo-fighters get closer but his shots do little damage. Suddenly one of the fighters explodes. Three Empire foo-fighters arrive flying in formation, guns ablazin' at the last rebel fighter. They make short work of the second one as well and fall in around the OSIKIRI.
FOO-FIGHTER LEADER: Osikiri, we will escort you to Mnengis. Sorry about the drama, we've had problems with a rebel incursion lately. Those two fighters must have gotten away from the battle.
PRINCESS ISOLEI: I will report this lax security to my father! They should have warned us and sent an escort before we were close enough to be attacked!
GONERIL: Yes, they should have Princess.
Page3
Scene: Threat (cont'd)
Splash. MNENGIS is colossal filling most of the page and spilling off the right and bottom edges. Traffic is heavy, as star craft of various size and shape come and go. Landing and docking bays, command decks, large cannons, and alien machinery are bunched in clusters around the outer edges of MNENEGIS, like the petals of Queen Anne's Lace. Off to the left, far away, battle has broken out among specks of foo-fighters. The OSIKIRI'S escort arc away as it nears MNENGIS
GONERIL: Mnengis control, this is Empire Craft Osikiri requesting landing for one ship. Empire code 254MJ12.
MNENGIS CONTROL: Request granted, landing bay 37 is open for landing.
In the cockpit of the OSIKIRI.
PRINCESS ISOLEI: Incursion? Who would rebel against the peaceable Empire?
GONERIL: This is the edge of the Empire, beyond it savage cultures rule themselves. Once the Empire would have enslaved them, now they are offered probationary citizenship. Neither approach is always effective.
PRINCESS ISOLEI: Savages are potentially as sophisticated as we, our superiority is one of circumstance and time. Slavery was inappropriate, Goneril. However, it would benefit all if these savages had guidance.
The landing bay is seen through the cockpit window. It's blue force-wall is falling to allow access.
PRINCESS ISOLEI: I have only an hour before I meet with the humans. You must find a quiet room for my preparations.
GONERIL: As you wish, majesty. But perhaps the battle will delay their arrival.
PRINCESS ISOLEI: Any race worthy of citizenship should be capable of keeping an appointment.
Page 4
Scene: Mess
/Establishing shot. THE ADVENTUROUS is cruising through space its top pointed in the direction of travel. The F/X of its gravity field are visible, a long elongated envelope.
/Close shot. Standing in THE ADVENTUROUS' mess COMMANDER VASILY GREDENKO is holding an empty jewelry box. LIEUTENANT SIRK HELLER stands before him holding out her left hand which has a diamond engagement ring on her pinky (her own wedding band and engagement ring are on her ring finger).
LIEUTENANT SIRK: It's beautiful, Vasily! When are you going to ask her?
COMMANDER VASILY: As soon as I can get her alone. I can't wait any longer--
/Over-the-shoulder shot. LIEUTENANT COMMANDER KESA CAUFIELD walks into the mess grinning from ear to ear. SIRK shoves her hand, with the ring, in her pocket and looks big eyed over VASILY'S shoulder. VASILY is surprised and closes his fist around the jewelry box which snaps shut.
LIEUTENANT COMMANDER KESA: Vas, you'll never guess who we are going to meet!
SFX: SNAP!
/VASILY turns around to talk to KESA while holding out the jewelry box to SIRK behind his back.
COMMANDER VASILY: Kesa! Aheh... hi!
LIEUTENANT COMMANDER KESA: We just got our first orders from the Empire.
/SIRK grabs the box from VASILY.
LIEUTENANT COMMANDER KESA: Guess who they are sending us to meet!
COMMANDER VASILY: Um...uh, meet?
LIEUTENANT COMMANDER KESA: We're on our way right now.
/SIRK carefully moves away from VASILY AND KESA. VASILY tries to watch her through the side of his head.
COMMANDER VASILY: Um... on our way to meet someone?
LIEUTENANT COMMANDER KESA: Vas! Are you listening?
/SIRK has her back to VASILY and KESA as she puts the ring back in its box. LIEUTENANT J.G. TARRIK FARHA saunters into the mess. Kesa notices for the first time that VASILY looks really tired.
COMMANDER VASILY: Sorry, I guess I'm really tired from my last shift.
LIEUTENANT COMMANDER KESA: Oh! You look beat.
Page 5
Scene: Mess (cont'd)
/TARRIK grins deviously as he gives SIRK a lively smack on the butt. Which startles her and she accidentally throws the box in the air.
SFX: SMACK!
/KESA and VASILY turn toward the noise. The jewelry box lands on the floor and goes rolling under one of the tables as SIRK turns around, fist clenched, ready to deck TARRIK. /KESA sees SIRK'S anger boiling and steps between her and TARRIK. TARRIK cringes.
LIEUTENANT COMMANDER KESA: Woah, Sirk. Calm down, you're tired and you don't have control of your emotions.
LIEUTENANT SIRK: Give me a couple-a minutes with Junior Grade here and then I'll be just fine.
LIEUTENANT JG TARRIK: Hey! What'd I do?
/VASILY crawls under the nearest table looking for the jewelry box. SIRK is seething while KESA turns on TARRIK. TARRIK cowers.
LIEUTENANT COMMANDER KESA: Tarrik, that was extremely rude and disrespectful! You'd better apologize to Sirk right now cause I can't stop her if she really wants to hit you.
/Close shot worm's-eye-view (W-E-V). VASILY is still searching the floor for the box, scrambling from table to table in a frenzy. /Medium shot, in the background TARRIK is making what looks like an half-assed apology. SIRK still looks angry as KESA tries to hold her back. /Close shot W-E-V. The Jewelry box lies on its side next to a futuristic looking fork. /VASILY crawls toward the box.
Page 6
Scene: Mess (cont'd)
/VASILY closes his hand around the box as KESA'S boots step next to him.
LIEUTENANT COMMANDER KESA: Vas, what are you doing?
/VASILY, startled by KESA, bumps his head on the table.
SFX: BANG!
/Medium shot. VASILY stands facing KESA and rubbing the back of his head.
LIEUTENANT COMMANDER KESA: What were you doing under there?
COMMANDER VASILY: Uh... I was...
/VASILY lifts up his other hand, in it is a fork.
COMMANDER VASILY: I dropped a fork earlier.
LIEUTENANT COMMANDER KESA: Oh. Well, I didn't get to tell you...
/VASILY puts the fork on the table and looks around.
COMMANDER VASILY: Where's Sirk?
LIEUTENANT COMMANDER KESA: I sent her off to get some sleep-- something you should do.
/VASILY takes one of KESA'S hands.
COMMANDER VASILY: We have to talk--
/TARRIK walks over to the table VASILY and KESA are standing beside from the food prep area of the mess.
COMMANDER VASILY: --alone.
Page 7
Scene: Mess (cont'd)
/TARRIK sits down with a tray of food.
LIEUTENANT JG TARRIK: Hey, this is the mess and I'm eating here! You need privacy, go somewhere private.
/KESA smiles.
LIEUTENANT COMMANDER KESA: We can talk later, Vas. I just came for a bite to eat, I'm on shift break. But I want to tell you about the Princess.
COMMANDER VASILY: Princess?
/TARRIK stuffs his mouth with some unrecognizable mush and talks at the same time.
LIEUTENANT JG TARRIK: Yeah, we're on our way to meet with an Empire Princess to get our first mission.
/KESA smacks the back of TARRIK'S head causing TARRIK to spit out some of his mush. KESA is obviously upset that her surprise was spoiled.
LIEUTENANT COMMANDER KESA: Shut up, you!
/VASILY leads KESA, by her elbow, away from the table.
LIEUTENANT COMMANDER KESA: He spoiled it. I was going to tell you-- a real Princess, Vas.
/Close shot, VASILY and KESA are close together, face to face.
COMMANDER VASILY: Kesa, do you remember training for this mission?
LIEUTENANT COMMANDER KESA: Don't remind me, I was a mess!
COMMANDER VASILY: Yes, you had no confidence, you always second guessed yourself and you couldn't stand up to anyone.
LIEUTENANT COMMANDER KESA: I said, "don't remind me."
COMMANDER VASILY: But you've changed. They way you stood up to Tarrik and stopped Sirk from smearing him, and you never second guess your decisions anymore.
Page 8
Scene: Mess (cont'd)
/VASILY put his hand to KESA'S cheek and KESA looks into his eyes.
COMMANDER VASILY: What I'm trying to say is that I'm proud of you. You've become the woman I saw in you.
/Medium shot, VASILY and KESA embrace and kiss. TARRIK looks on hungrily. Close shot, KESA musses VASILY"S hair.
LIEUTENANT COMMANDER KESA: I love you. Now, go get some sleep before you pass out.
COMMANDER VASILY: Ok, I will. But we still need to talk, alright?
LIEUTENANT COMMANDER KESA: Sure, we'll find some time alone later.
/VASILY exits the mess as KESA watches him go. /TARRIK has come up behind KESA and smacks her on the butt. /Close-up, KESA'S face is red with anger.
Last edited by Nirsus; 07-27-2003 at 11:09 AM.
Welcome Nirsus to thewritersdesk!!!!!
I will take a look at the script a bit later on when I am more awake! I didnt sleep well last night and I been bz all morning/day and now I am sitting in front of the PC, my brain at a standstill. So, to do your script justice, I shall return tomorrow refreshed and ready to c&c.
but I had to say hi and welcome anyway hehe!
later days
B
Cool, thanks for the welcome. I know what it's like to have that numb brain feeling. Especially for reading online documents.
Originally posted by banshee
Welcome Nirsus to thewritersdesk!!!!!
I will take a look at the script a bit later on when I am more awake! I didnt sleep well last night and I been bz all morning/day and now I am sitting in front of the PC, my brain at a standstill. So, to do your script justice, I shall return tomorrow refreshed and ready to c&c.
but I had to say hi and welcome anyway hehe!
later days
B
Ok, here I am! I feel bad cos I havent got around to it so I've ditched my blog for now and am getting stuck in c&c your piece
(clears her throat, adjusts her glasses and peers thru them).
Just to be niggly, isnt it the Milky Way? as in two seperate words? Not that it's real important but it just struck me LOL
Ah Goneril. From King Lear right? Anyways, Page 2, last scene, I was thinking that perhaps a comma wld suit the tone better.
"Yes, they should have, Princess."
I will admit that with the Princess that likes to throw her weight around, Goneril's responses seem less likely. I am guessing she is indulging a spoilt, petulant child but seems a bit incongrous ya know?
Those are pretty much it. Generally I like it, has a nice pacing to it and with some minor tweaks, it cld shape up to be a nice piece of work, good job!
ok.. looking fwd to seeing more!
later days
b
Heh typos, you can never see them all.Originally posted by banshee
Ok, here I am! I feel bad cos I havent got around to it so I've ditched my blog for now and am getting stuck in c&c your piece
(clears her throat, adjusts her glasses and peers thru them).
Just to be niggly, isnt it the Milky Way? as in two seperate words? Not that it's real important but it just struck me LOL
Yep you guessed the King Lear ref. You're probably right about any comma issues you see. I have always had trouble in the distribution of my commas-- either a comma everyother word or not a comma to be seen.
Ah Goneril. From King Lear right? Anyways, Page 2, last scene, I was thinking that perhaps a comma wld suit the tone better.
"Yes, they should have, Princess."
I will admit that with the Princess that likes to throw her weight around, Goneril's responses seem less likely. I am guessing she is indulging a spoilt, petulant child but seems a bit incongrous ya know?
I'm not sure I understand what you're saying here. Could you elaborate for me?
Those are pretty much it. Generally I like it, has a nice pacing to it and with some minor tweaks, it cld shape up to be a nice piece of work, good job!
ok.. looking fwd to seeing more!
later days
b
Thanks for the C&C. (sighs with relief) It must not be absolutely terrible if you're pointing out only small details.
BTW- Goneril is a robot. I'm not sure if that is revealed in the scenes I wrote but it is in my character descriptions that I have for artist reference.
Thanks again,
Nirsus
Welcome to the Writer's Desk, Nirsus. I'm pretty new here, too, been posting for only a week or two. Hope you enjoy the experience as much as I have so far.
Anyway, I really like your script, it's very well done. Only got a few crits for ya':
-MNENGIS CONTROL: Request granted, landing bay 37 is open for landing.
It might be better to word this sentence as "Request granted, landing bay 37 is open." Repeated words, especially that close together, never sound quite right.
-COMMANDER VASILY: But you've changed. They way you stood up to Tarrik and stopped Sirk from smearing him, and you never second guess your decisions anymore.
Well, besides the minor 'they' vs. 'the' typo (Which is the last thing I should rag on people for, since typos have a nasty way of breezing past me), I think the second sentence here should be split into two sentences. The second half of the sentence veers away enough from the previous part that they don't sound quite right as one phrase.
-COMMANDER VASILY: What I'm trying to say is that I'm proud of you. You've become the woman I saw in you.
This one also sounds slightly awkward to me. Perhaps, "You've become the woman I always knew you could be," would flow better.
Overall, though, those are pretty minor suggestions. Can't wait to see more.
"My name is Yon Yonson, I work in Wisconson, I work in a lumbermill there. . ."
I think I just have to agree with all of that. Some of that dialog bugged me too but I have my nose to close to that paper (so to speak) to see what's wrong. I did later change Vasily's line to almost exactly what you suggested.
Thanks for pointing those out! And much thanks for the kudos. More to come, hopefully soon.
Nirsus
Originally posted by beejunk
Welcome to the Writer's Desk, Nirsus. I'm pretty new here, too, been posting for only a week or two. Hope you enjoy the experience as much as I have so far.
Anyway, I really like your script, it's very well done. Only got a few crits for ya':
-MNENGIS CONTROL: Request granted, landing bay 37 is open for landing.
It might be better to word this sentence as "Request granted, landing bay 37 is open." Repeated words, especially that close together, never sound quite right.
-COMMANDER VASILY: But you've changed. They way you stood up to Tarrik and stopped Sirk from smearing him, and you never second guess your decisions anymore.
Well, besides the minor 'they' vs. 'the' typo (Which is the last thing I should rag on people for, since typos have a nasty way of breezing past me), I think the second sentence here should be split into two sentences. The second half of the sentence veers away enough from the previous part that they don't sound quite right as one phrase.
-COMMANDER VASILY: What I'm trying to say is that I'm proud of you. You've become the woman I saw in you.
This one also sounds slightly awkward to me. Perhaps, "You've become the woman I always knew you could be," would flow better.
Overall, though, those are pretty minor suggestions. Can't wait to see more.
hi beejunk (it's Brian isnt it?)! You spotted some more things that I shld hv seen, bad me!
What I meant, Nirsus, was that Goneril's choice of words shld be diffr. She may be indulging a spoilt Princess but her phrases are not how you wld address a royal personage. Edges slightly on the sarcastic/disrespectful. Am I making myself clearer here?
The script has a lot of potential, Nirsus
You and beejunk are welcome to take a peek at my work, it's longer since it's prose and not a script but go ahead. C&C away!
http://www.penciljack.com/forum/show...threadid=34691
http://www.penciljack.com/forum/show...threadid=34788
It's great to see new faces (well, new words anyway lol) and for your contributions too!
keep em coming!
Lia etc
Ah, ok. I see what you're saying now. Does it change anything to know that GONERIL is a robot?Originally posted by banshee
What I meant, Nirsus, was that Goneril's choice of words shld be diffr. She may be indulging a spoilt Princess but her phrases are not how you wld address a royal personage. Edges slightly on the sarcastic/disrespectful. Am I making myself clearer here?
I'm trying to make it unemotional and at the same time like a baby sitter. For instance, it (Goneril that is, I'm tring to use the "it" pronoun for all my robots) has to keep distasteful information from Isolei. So in the line: "I... dispatched our pursuers and had their ships impounded." Goneril pauses to make a specific word choice using "dispatched" instead of telling her that it killed them.
So maybe I subconsciously meant to make it sound sarcastic or at least condescending because Goneril is Isolei's protector/baby sitter and it sees her as innocent and completely naive.
On the other hand Isolei sees GONERIL as an it. A programmed thing with no soul. It is an irratation that she has to put up with. So if Goneril was condescending, the Princess is probably oblivious to it.
Of course none of this is something you can really get from what I have posted, but I do intend to post more. I have written the last scene but I think I'll wait to post that.
This is great! I love getting crits that are so helpful. Thanks again.
-- oh and I have been reading your stuff Banshee. But I haven't finished yet. I'll try to give you a good C&C when I do.
Nirsus
I see where u r coming from with the robot thing but I still feel that even more so (as a robot), Goneril wld use more formal language. The Princess will prob dismiss anyone as an IT LOL
thank u, glad u liked what u saw so far
looking fwd to more of your stuff
later days
lia etc
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