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Registered User
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Baggy Briefs
these are really nice pages and people should have commented more on these. but i'm assuming they didin't because the annoyingly slow DEVIANTART site...
i will put up with the annoyance and crit away.
first of all.... i like ths style... but the shaded rendering wouldnt fit well with inks.. unless you aren't going to ink this.. which, i guess, is acceptable today in comics...oh well
first page.... decent establishing shot... although that bathroom looks a bit boring.... and why is bruce in the ladies room? or why is that lady walking into the mens room? the next couple of panels has a nice progression until the end... you keep on zooming in more and more but then stop by suddenly zooming out... i don't think that's working becasue of what you have in the next page. keep zooming in, i think it'll flow better.
next page...this looks good but i think it need to be more dramatic... maybe a tilt or something. right now it's just too straight foward
pg 3 - i had no idea what that first panel was unitl later in the story when i saw all the pool balls. i think you need to clarify that somehow. and you haven't established where any of these people came from... in short, use wider shots on this page.
pg 4 - not too many problems here... i like the use of broken pieces of ..."idunowhat" as panels.
pg 5 - VERY GOOD sense of space... i like this page a lot. although i would have prefered spiderman? to be on the left side... but its no biggie.
GJ in all....
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Not too shabby, but there's plenty of room for improvement. Here's my thoughts:
PAGE FIVE
Panel One: I like the expression here, but the woman's fingers are far too small and seem to be missing a knuckle joint.
Her eyes are extremely large. That may be a style thing, but I personally find it a little distracting. Drawing individual eye lashes isn't a great idea because it comes off as looking rather weak and makes your art look a little primative--almost archaic.
Panel Two: There's some funky things going on with your perspective here. We should see more of the counter top. The shape of the sink is too foreshortened. Looks like your placement of the horizon line and vanishing points is off. As a result, the top of the door and the corner where the ceiling meets the left wall looks sort of weird. Your perspective definately needs some rethinking. Here's something I worked up in Photoshop. I "eye-balled" the perspective, but I think it will prove to be helpful. Notice how the problems with the sink and door have been corrected. I've also left off drawing the ceiling altogether in order to take care of the weirdness where the left wall meets with the left side of the ceiling:
The woman running out of the bathroom is tilted too far towards the floor, and looks to be falling over. That needs fixin'.
Panel Three: This panel's okay, but you should leave more room at the top of the panel for balloons and captions.
Panel Four & Five: Why change the POV to a 3/4 shot in these two panels? Previously in panel three we see Bruce Banner from a shot from the front, but in panels four and five, you've changed the angle, which is a little jarring. It would have been better for you to have kept consistancy in all three panels. I suggest you change panel three to a 3/4 shot.
Panel Six: Another camera change, and this change I like the least. It breaks the 180¼ rule, and there's no real reason for it.
More to say about the other pages later. I have to run. Hope my critique was helpful, Johnny Boy.
Loston
http://www.lostonwallace.com
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I wish the in the last four panels, all of the heads were in the same direction. Preferably tilted towards the right panel. And the last panel where he becomes the hulk should be the payoff panel. So it should be a big head and hand shot. His head should take up at least 75% of the panel.
Here's my crappy example:
http://aftershock.250free.com/crappy-example.jpg
Last edited by EddieChingLives; 05-15-2003 at 12:36 PM.
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Neophyte
jus a thought
first, does that last page remind anyone else of the opening credits to Batman TAS?
second, the panels seem to lack a lot of info, perhaps it's personal preference, but i think you should pack them full so the reader has no room to question...
third (again personal preference) i think pin up pages are a cheap gimmick. use with exreme caution!
overall tho, great job!
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First, after looking at my crappy example, I prefer yours. But maybe you should have went with a big eye close-up. But either way, it's not so bad.
PAGE 2
Amazingly great shot. No complaints.
PAGE 3
Panel 1, I don't know what is happening. Did somone drive away and their beach ball fell out of their convertable? I think panel one might work best if you had an establishment shot of the pool hall, and some cracks in the wall.
Panel 2, The Hulk's hair looks too plasticky.
Every other panel rocks, even though I don't know who the chick in panel 3 is! If you have a close-up of her, why not put her running away in the next panel?
PAGE 4
Panel 1, this angle isn't working too well. I thought it was a doorway, but then realized it was a pool table above shot. Showing the hulk's feet on the ground might help.
The last panel is great. But all the panels between the first and last could be condensed into one big panel of the hulk going wild. But that's just personal preference. I think the hulk should look more pissed in his close-up of panel 5.
PAGE 5
Panel 1, it's hard to tell what's happening at first. The action is far away, and the Hulk is covering a sound fx balloon. Not good. I would omit any sound fx unless you plan to letter everything as well.
Panel 2 kicks ass, but it's hard to distinguish the hulk on these two panels, with all the smoke. Perhaps a silouette of the Hulk might help, but it might not.
All I know is I like your art. Very kick-ass. Not too bad of a plot. Keep cranking them out, and you'll polish the few rough edges you have. Kick-ass job, man!
I'd love to work on a story with you.
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Neophyte
Just some comments...
You've got great spotted blacks and your pages are easy enough on the eye, but I think you have some work to do on your BGs. For instance your bathroom (yeah what is Bruce doing in the ladies room?) pool hall, and the street all feel like card board cut-out set designs. not like actual places. I see you're going with a very "animated" look but even within that the environment should support the characters. Look at the Simpsons or Futurama, their world reflects their design but still operates as a reality. Your keep you shots so close we never get a chance to see where anything is. You don't really pan out until the last page and then we're so FAR away from the action we don't feel involved. Back to the Simpsons, even though Homer and his family are cartoons they still have definite size and therefore their environment is scaled to that. With that in mind, yes the Hulk is huge and can't ride in a car but on the last page you've shown us that even normal people can't fit in the cars on your world. The windows of your buildings look painted on (referring back to the "set" look) and your smoke reads like giant marshmallows. The building that the Hulk is walking out of has boulders on the roof and the building next to it on the left has a cave entrance. You're ignoring building/architecture design. Even in a warehouse district of town there is a certain level of design and structure. Get on line and do a search, just punch in "Urban Warehouses", just doing it I found tons of references you could use to give your BGs some reality. It doesn't have to be drawn realistic, the idea is to make it look right in "your world". One suggestions I'd make is to always use a ruler/straight-edge when doing any line work for inorganic objects, i.e. pipes, buildings, windows, furniture unless you feel you can make it clean enough by hand. It's tricky because even a rounded object (like a car) has a "fabricated" feel to it. Also, be careful on how you place things. In the first panel on the last page the Hulk flies though the wall about 15 feet up over a tight street, yet in the next panel he's standing on the sidewalk of a wider street. First off, in the top panel you've indicated that he's already cleared to sidewalk and hasn't even started his descent yet. Be careful of things like that, it's issues like this that will confuse your reader. Otherwise you have some nice staging, some good spotted blacks and a nice level of emotion in your characters. Keep up the work!
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Registered User
I know I'm a little late on this, but I actually enjoyed viewing each page, and I think had a little something to do with your art style.
peaceout
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