View Poll Results: Which story was your favorite ? Remember, don't vote for yourself

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  • "Stars & Stripes Forever" by Zepster

    1 14.29%
  • "Thunderheads" by bran_strangely

    0 0%
  • "THE BURN" by Eureka

    1 14.29%
  • "Untitled" by Shadowface

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  • "Hunter's Moon" by Chris 2.0

    4 57.14%
  • "Esprit de l'escalier" by Tudore

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  • "Untitled" by joseph.James

    1 14.29%
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Thread: Writing Contest #84: Drugs

  1. #1
    Lincoln faked his death...there, I said it. [SUPPORTER]
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    Writing Contest #84: Drugs

    In this contest, you'll write a story that, in some way, involves drugs (recreational, medical, super-soldier potions, whatever).

    As usual, the rules are:

    *Nothing sexual in nature (romantic love scene is ok, but nothing graphic)

    *Nothing Political

    *5 Page Script

    * No published/franchise characters that you haven't created and own the rights to

    * The winner of this contest gets to choose the topic of the next contest


    DEADLINE:Monday, Feb 4th

  2. #2
    Member Zepster's Avatar
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    Weird. Been traveling and thought I'd be late with this... and I'm first?

    I took this from an idea I have for a limited series... Crits always welcome.

    Stars & Stripes Forever

    Page 1

    Panel 1 - Big panel

    We have Über mann – Think Hitler’s perfect idea of a supreme super human. Big, blonde, blue eyed, chiselled chin, ripped with a chest big enough to take a full swastika. Long flowing cape and shiny black boots of OTT Fascism.

    Über mann is holding The Patriot ( an American Super Human decked out in a stars and stripes themed costume ) overhead by the neck, breaking it with one hand. The Patriot is bloodied, battered and his costume is in shreds.

    They are outside the Capitol building, which is in flames. Around them, similarly themed German Strumtruppen ( although perhaps not so garish or so impressive as Über mann ) are slaughtering US troops with ease.

    We also have Stars and Stripes – teenage sidekicks of The Patriot, being held down by Strumtruppen, helplessly watching as Über mann kills the Patriot. Again, nationalistic themed costumes – one with stars, the other stripes…

    Caption: So yeah, the Nazis won the war.

    SFX( The Patriots neck ): Crack!!!

    Panel 2

    Über mann is casually discarding The Patriot’s body and impassively gazing at Stars and Stripes. Stars is crying/desperate, Stripes however has a look of firm resolve on his tear streaked face.

    Caption: Even with the defection of its chief scientist, their Super Human programme was streets ahead of anything we could manage.

    Panel 3

    Stripes giving a resolute Nazi salute. Behind him we have the burning Capitol building and burning American flag. Beside Stripes, Stars is still being held down, crying out in shame/horror at his friend’s betrayal.

    Caption: It later transpired that Dr Norden’s defection was a ruse to ensure we never matched up.
    Stars(burst): Danny! NO!!!!!!

    Panel 4

    Stars being led away by Strumtruppen, looking back as Über mann strips/rips the uniform off Stripes. Stripes standing to rigid attention. Über mann’s eyes glowing with energy.

    Caption: I can’t blame Danny.

    Panel 5 ( inset )

    Über mann firing beams of energy from his eyes, towards where we imagine Stripes to be.

    Caption: In a straight up fight.

    Panel 6

    We can see Stripes’ chest - Über Mann is burning a swastika into the skin with his eye beams.

    Caption: We never stood a chance.

    Page 2

    Panel 1

    A swastika flag, hanging vertically, moving ever so slightly in the breeze.

    Caption: 40 years later

    Panel 2

    We’ve pulled back now to see a busy New York street. The Flags hang from every lamppost on both sides of the street. We also have lots of propaganda posters – depicting Über mann or Strumtruppen in heroic poses.

    Beneath them we can see a much older ( the years have not been kind ) Stars making his way down the street. He is dressed little better than a tramp and has some facial scaring to add to his weathered appearance.

    The people on the street are a mix of smartly dressed business types, soldiers and a few coloured servants. Not many look as underfed/malnourished as Stars though, but they’re not happy either ( Important: The youngest is at least 30ish ).

    All of the smart dressed types and soldiers are white. Stars is wearing a star patch ( although not a David’s star ) on his moth eaten coat and he is drawing looks of disgust from passers-by.

    Soldier(oos/burst): You!

    Panel 3

    A few soldiers have grabbed Stars, while an officer is pointing at him imperiously, while holding a scanner of some sort.

    Officer: This area is forbidden to your kind.

    Stars: I am on an errand for Dr Norden. I work in his lab.

    Officer: DNA scan shows you to be a Higher Human.

    Stars: I'm genetically locked. I have no powers.

    Panel 4

    The soldiers throwing Stars to the ground, the officer dismissing him with a look of disgust. One of the soldiers is pointing into the air down the street.

    Officer: An indentured traitor then. Clean yourself up you filthy disgrace.

    Stars: Uggh

    Soldier(burst): Sir!

    Panel 5

    Everyone’s attention is taken by Über Mann flying overhead, flying slightly behind him and in a similar uniform is Stripes, Stripes chest is bare showing off his swastika scar. Neither have appreciable aged, save perhaps a few grey hairs or diminishing hairline.

    The soldiers have all snapped to attention and are giving the Nazi salute while Stars skulks away, darting a look upwards.

    Caption: Danny?

    Panel 6

    Close in on Stripes as he flies overhead, gaze rigidly forward, the swastika scar clearly visible.

    Caption: Danny!

    Page 3

    Panel 1

    Stars walking despondently down the street in a slum. Rain is falling heavily.

    Caption: Danny. Über Mann’s chief lieutenant. Symbol of the new Amerika. Hero and traitor both.

    Panel 2

    Stars is walking past a tenement building. An armoured car outside with some soldiers beside it.

    Caption: After the double cross Norden moved on to work on his version of the Final Solution.

    Woman(oos/burst): No not MY baby.

    Panel 3

    A senior uniformed soldier taking a bundle out of the building ( it’s the baby ). The baby’s mother, a middle aged black woman frantically trying to get the baby back. Stars in the background, watching as he walks on past.

    Woman(burst): Please my baby!

    Caption: The new Amerika.

    Panel 4

    Soldiers gun butting the woman to ground. She isn’t giving up though. The officer sneering at her.

    Officer: You should rejoice woman. This isn’t your baby.

    Caption: Where Norden’s solution is working its way through the population.

    Panel 5

    The officer walking towards the armoured car. The woman behind crying, still being beaten. We can see the baby. It is white, blue eyed and blonde haired.

    Stars is in the distance looking back as he mounts the steps to his building.

    Officer: This is a new citizen of the Reich.

    Caption: Through DNA re-sequencing imposed by drugs added to the food dole.

    Panel 6

    A very despondent Stars entering his building, a rundown tenement.

    Caption: I call Danny a traitor but the lab I work in is where they create the additive.

    Caption: I make sure that it isn’t just in the food dole. It’s in everything.

    Caption: I’m the traitor, not him.

    Page 4

    Panel 1

    Stars is entering his apartment. It is very run down/a dump. Not only is it in a slum but Stars hates himself and his life and takes no pride in his home.

    Stripes(oos): Teddy.

    Panel 2

    Stars has turned in shock to see Stripes standing in his apartment, full on Nazi regalia and bare chest. The window behind him is open.

    Stars(burst): You!

    Panel 3

    The two of them are hugging. Just a quick note here. It wasn’t just the "racially impure" that suffered under the Nazis. Homosexuals were sent to the death camps too. We should see enough in this hug to guess at the depth of their relationship – and this is Stripes reason for “betraying” the Reich.

    Stars: Oh Danny what are you doing here? They’ll kill you.

    Stripes: I saw you in the street today. I couldn’t.... I couldn’t not be here.

    Panel 4

    Stars has turned away, bitterness across his features. Stripes has his arms open, slightly hurt.

    Stars: Then you’re a fool.

    Stripes: Teddy.

    Panel 5

    Stripes looking assertive and happy, and holding an id badge ( it belongs to Dr Nordman ).

    Stripes: It’s time!

    Page 5

    Panel 1

    A much happier Stars entering a science building, a stern receptionist is looking up from her desk at him. Beside her a guard is sneering at Stars.

    Receptionist: You’re on time today. That’s a first.

    Guard: Shame the Doktor is not here to see it. See that you get the crates loaded before he returns.

    Caption: All this time.

    Panel 2

    A still smiling Stars putting on a lab coat and goggles in a deserted/empty lab.

    Caption: Becoming traitors, monsters to build up trust.

    Panel 3

    Stars using the badge Stripes gave him to open a door. The sign above it says

    Secure Area.
    No Access.

    Caption: Trusting me to work in the lab unsupervised.

    Panel 4

    A computer screen, lots of Nazi theme to the logo/login screen etc…

    We can see the following text on the screen.

    User: Henrich Norden
    Password: *******
    Password Accepted

    Caption: Trusting that I’m too stupid to crack Norden’s password or understand his secret formula.

    Panel 5

    Dr Norden, a distinguished 60 something scientist, being dropped off a building by Stripes.

    Caption: Trusting Danny, at last, to be Norden’s bodyguard and Norden not trusting anyone with the formula.

    Stripes: Bye Bye Herr Docktor.

    Panel 6

    Close in of a satisfied Stars looking at the computer screen. We can see the writing on the screen reflected in his goggles.

    It says ( in mirror writing ):

    Formula updated successfully.

    Summary of changes:

    Racial Lock successfully reverted ( Reversion process estimated at 3 weeks post ingestion )

    Genetically targeted application of Über Mann template confirmed ( Full integration 3 weeks post ingestion )

    Caption: We both worried that many of Norden’s “children” would be unable for the change back to who they really are. Too indoctrinated in the Nazi ideal to accept themselves.

    Caption: That’s where Stars & Stripes come in. Not as heroes or traitors this time but as teachers.

  3. #3
    Neophyte
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    This was originally THUNDERBRAIN, based on the random character generator prompt in the WSG a couple weeks ago. I went with Thunderhead instead. It's maybe a semantic choice. Brain seems slightly comic to me, but head implies something more psychological, or the seat of one's power. Head case, Eraserhead, etc.

    Edit: Critiques are welcome!

    .....

    THUNDERHEAD
    Episode 1


    Splash page with chapter title


    Page 1, 5 panels


    Panel 1
    Establishing shot, interior – a hallway in a sterile white hospital in daytime. This is a care facility for adults. Nurses push patients in wheelchairs. Patients in dressing gowns and pajamas wander the hall. The right-side wall has a bank of high & wide windows, through which light streams in.


    Panel 2
    A man in a catatonic state sits in a wheelchair near one of the windows – JOE has blank eyes, drool, mouth slack, his head slumped to one side. The man is brown-skinned and has brown eyes, tight curly black hair, no facial hair. He is not overly muscled but has a certain wiry muscularity. He is wearing pajamas and a dressing gown.


    Panel 3
    A nurse in medical scrubs, DWIGHT JACKSON, arrives to wheel the patient elsewhere. Dwight is tall, has a bit more weight on him than the average guy but is not round and fat. He is African-American. Handsome face, a closely-trimmed mustache, is likely to have a sense of humor about most things. He is very social and friendly. By the way Dwight handles the patient, it is obvious he has been caring for Joe for a long time.

    Dwight: Okay, Joe. We're gonna see Dr. Hollander for a bit, now. You hang on tight, alright brother? No getting up to chase the ladies.


    Panel 4
    Medium close-up on Joe with Dwight's hands on the bars of the wheelchair. Joe doesn't respond.


    Panel 5
    Long shot, the hallway – Dwight pushes Joe down the hall, past the windows.


    Page 2, 8 panels


    Panel 1
    Medium close-up on a doctor with a white coat over his shirt and tie. DR. HOLLANDER is white skinned and has brown hair and brown eyes. His forehead is wrinkled with stress lines and he wears glasses. He is in a doctor's office with an exam table/bed and other medical equipment. Over his shoulder we can see Dwight wheeling Joe into the room.


    Panel 2
    Dwight is setting the brake on Joe's wheelchair, slightly bent over Joe. Doctor Hollander watches – he has an amused look.

    Dwight: How's it goin, Doc? You heard any good ones today?

    Dr. Hollander: No. You?

    Dwight: I got one. This old man's at the table waiting for his wife. She comes outta the kitchen bare naked and yells, “Super *****!” He says, “I'll have the soup.” (Dwight laughs a big, rich laugh.)


    Panel 3
    Dwight and Dr. Hollander lift Joe onto the exam table, though Dwight is doing all the heavy lifting.

    Dr. Hollander: Just set his leg there. Thanks, Dwight.


    Panel 4
    Dr. Hollander hooks Joe up to a cardiograph machine. Dwight is resting against a counter in the background – relaxed looking posture with his arms over his chest.

    Dr. Hollander: We're just going to check your heart today, Joe. See if there's anything wrong with the old ticker.


    Panel 5
    Dwight talks to the doctor while he examines Joe.

    Dwight: So how's the experiment going, Doc?

    Dr. Hollander: It's early days. I don't imagine we'll see results, if any, for a long while.


    Panel 6
    Dr. Hollander checks Joe's temperature with an ear thermometer.

    Dr. Hollander: We're giving the Alzheimer patients low doses and tracking the results. We've seen some improvements in patient brain functioning, but we can't know what effects the drug will have long-term.


    Panel 7
    Medium close up on Dwight. His posture is still relaxed, but his subtle facial expression shows curiosity and concern.
    Dwight: Brain functioning, eh? You think it would help someone like Joe?


    Panel 8
    Dr. Hollander looks grim, impassive. Dwight is in the background listening. Dwight has asked something the doctor doesn't want to answer.


    Page 3, 7 panels


    Panel 1
    View of Dwight in background over doctor's shoulder. The doctor's mouth has drawn into a firm line and his brow is furrowed. Dwight raises one arm to gesture while he talks with his elbow is propped on his arm. He politely argues the case.

    Dwight: I mean, if it can help a brother. Joe's been here a long time. Ain't he got a family or something? Someone must be wondering where he is. We don't even know his real name. We just call him Joe 'cos we've got to call him something.


    Panel 2
    Dr. Hollander is unhooking the cardiograph from Joe. In the background, Dwight waits for an answer.

    Dr. Hollander: That's the problem, right there. We don't have permission from any next-of- kin to the give him the experiment.


    Panel 3
    Medium close up on Dwight. Dwight looks a little more stirred up than before, gesturing with one hand (elbow resting on the arm across his chest.)
    Dwight: But if it would work on Joe – I mean, his family would be glad we could help him later when he finds them, right?


    Panel 4
    Dr. Hollander types on a laptop (he's entering information on Joe's chart.)

    Dr. Hollander: Not necessarily.

    Dwight: But if we could help him. Would it help him? That drug, whatever it's called.

    Dr. Hollander: Chlorxapam. [This is just a stand-in name. Drug name TBD pending research]

    Dwight: Chlorxapam. Do you think it would help Joe?


    Panel 5
    Dr. Hollander removes his glasses, rubs the bridge of his nose.

    Dr. Hollander: It might. I don't know. In theory, it would help to strengthen his neural pathways and may jar him out of catatonia, but I don't know. No one really understands Joe's condition.


    Panel 6
    Close up on the counter behind and to the side of Dwight – we can just see a box of drug samples labeled 'Chlorxapam' amongst other items. The doses are in little white envelopes.


    Panel 7
    Dwight is looking at the doctor but it's clear he is just turning his head away from the Chlorxapam.


    Page 4, 6 panels


    Panel 1
    Medium close up on Dwight. His expression is subtle but he's clearly scheming.

    Dwight: What would happen if you just gave it to him? Family permission or no.


    Panel 2
    Dr. Hollander looks like he's tired of the conversation. He stands near the door with his laptop under his arm.

    Dr. Hollander: It would be wildly unethical, and I could lose my license. Look, I'd like to help Joe, but I can't. I don't mean to rush, but I've got some other patients to see. Can you get him in the chair on your own, or...?


    Panel 3
    Dwight is moving away from the counter, the doctor closer to the opened door.

    Dwight: Naw, I got it, Doc. Good talkin' to you.

    Dr. Hollander: See you, Dwight.


    Panel 4
    Long panel of Dwight lifting Joe. Joe is slung over his shoulder.


    Panel 5
    With Joe back in his chair, Dwight looks again at the box of Chlorxapam on the counter.


    Panel 6
    Dwight takes a couple packets and stuffs them in his pocket.


    Page 5, 5 panels


    Panel 1
    Dwight parks Joe back in 'his spot' near the window in the sun-lit hall.

    Dwight: I know you're in there, man. I know you can hear me. You just can't let me know.


    Panel 2
    Close on Dwight – he is crouching before Joe, looking directly in his eyes. He is sincere.

    Dwight: I know you can't tell me what you want me to do, but I can't leave a man in prison like this if there's a way I can let him out. You understand?


    Panel 3
    Dwight, still crouching, looks down the hall.

    Dwight: You wait here until my shift is over. I'll come back with this all fixed up for you.


    Panel 4
    Closer on Dwight. He looks emotional, grave and reverent.

    Dwight: And if it doesn't work – or if it does, and it's all wrong – forgive me.


    Panel 5
    Long view/establishing - Joe in his chair in the foreground, Dwight walking away.
    Last edited by bran_strangely; 02-03-2013 at 01:09 AM.

  4. #4
    THE BURN

    Page 1

    Panel 1

    Close up on a pill lying in the center of a wooden table, the pill has a capital B stamped in the center of it.

    Caption
    Burn the newest street drug.

    Panel 2

    We have pulled out a little more we can see the whole table, one lone chair and Steve Finnel. Steve is sitting on the chair leaning forward reaching for the pill. Steve is a complete mess with dirty greasy unkempt hair and beard. Holes, dirt and other unknown spots cover his pants and shirt.

    Caption
    Steve Finnel has been Hooked on
    Burn for the last eight months.

    Caption
    In that short amount of time
    Steve has lost his Family, home and job

    Panel 3

    Same as Panel 2 except Steve has his hand held out in front of his face, his head is cocked to one side.
    Caption
    Burn puts you in a hallucinogenic
    euphoric state of mind

    Panel 4

    We have pulled all the way out we can now see that Steve is in a dilapidated kitchen. The cupboards, sink, countertops and all the appliances are missing. The walls of the kitchen are dirty and filled with holes. Steve is standing next to the table in the middle of the kitchen. His arms are held out in front of him and raised above his head. It looks like he is trying to grab something in the air.

    Steve
    Come here pretty little butterfly.



    Page 2

    Panel 1

    Steve leans with his right shoulder against one of the kitchen walls sweating profusely.

    Caption
    There are three stages of withdrawal with Burn

    Caption
    Sweating

    Panel 2

    Steve is in a sitting position on the floor of the kitchen fast asleep

    Caption
    Narcolepsy

    Panel 3

    Steve stands in the middle of the kitchen screaming at the top of his lungs and pulling his own hair out from the pain.

    Caption
    The last Stage is Known as The Burn
    Every thirty minutes an intense
    burning sensation spreads
    throughout the users entire body.

    Caption
    The Burn usually last for ten minutes
    The only known cure for The Burn
    Is more Burn or a bullet to the head.











    Page 3

    Panel 1

    Early morning
    Steve Finnel with a crowbar in one hand peers through a large group of bushes in a park across the street from his brother’s house. Even though it is 20 degrees out with a light dusting of ice and snow on the ground and trees Steve is dressed in his dirty pants and T-shirt.


    Panel 2

    Greg Finnel locks the front door of his house as his six year old daughter Suzy runs down the front walk towards their SUV. They are both dressed for the cold weather they have on thick winter jackets, pants, gloves and boots.

    Caption
    Since the death of his wife a few years ago,
    Greg tries to spend as much quality time
    with his daughter that he can.

    Greg
    Be careful Suzy don’t run out in the street

    Caption
    Today they are going
    to the pet store in the mall.

    Suzy
    I want to pet the Kittens today daddy!

    .


    Panel 3

    Steve who is still hiding in the bushes in the park watches as Greg and Suzy drive away in their SUV.

    Panel 4

    With the crowbar in his right hand Steve runs across the street towards his brother’s house.



    Page 4

    Panel 1

    Interior of the coffee shop in the local indoor mall
    Greg and Suzy sit around a small square table; they both hold large white mugs in their hands. We can see steam rising out of the mugs into the air. Their jackets are placed on the back of the chairs and their gloves are sitting in the center of the table.

    Caption
    Greg and Suzy enjoy one of their favorite winter traditions.
    Sipping hot chocolate with marshmallows at the Coffee Shop.

    Greg
    Remember to blow on it first so you don’t burn your tongue.

    Suzy
    Ok daddy.

    Panel 2

    Interior of Suzy’s room
    Steve is frantically searching through Suzy’s small dresser the crowbar lies on top of the dresser. The rest of the room is in shambles the bed has been turned over and the contents of the closet have been thrown around the room.

    Caption
    Steve searches Suzy’s room for anything
    he can sell or trade for another hit of Burn.

    Panel 3

    Holding hands Greg and Suzy with their gloves off and their winter jackets tied around their waist walk through the mall.

    Suzy
    Let’s go to the Pet Store now daddy!

    Greg
    Sounds good to me Suzy.






    Panel 4

    Interior of Greg’s office
    There is not much in Greg’s office one large ornate wooden office desk and one four drawer metal filing cabinet. Steve is using the crowbar to pry open the top drawer of the desk.

    Caption
    Steve now searches Greg’s office.
    Not caring that the desk he is about to
    destroy belonged to their Great Grandfather.

    Panel 5

    Greg and Suzy have returned from the mall they are standing next to their front door. The front door of their house is wide open.

    Caption
    Greg and Suzy have returned from the mall.
    The front door of their house has been forced opened.

    Greg
    Suzy stay here don’t come into
    the house until I say it’s ok.

    Suzy
    Ok Daddy.




















    Page 5

    Panel 1

    Greg stands just inside his bedroom watching Steve who is across the room smashing a wooden dresser with the crowbar. At this moment Steve is experiencing The Burn stage of withdrawal.

    Caption
    As Steve goes through The Burn
    Stage he takes out his pain on
    His brothers bedroom furniture.

    Greg
    Steve what are you doing?


    Panel 2

    Steve has stopped smashing the dresser and is now looking at Greg.

    Steve
    Where is the money!
    Give me some money!

    Greg
    I don’t have any money for
    you, now get out of my house!.

    Panel 3

    Steve with the crowbar in his right hand is running across the room towards Greg.


    Panel 4

    Steve with the bloody crowbar in his right hand stands outside on the front walk of Greg’s house; Suzy is standing there looking up at him.

    Suzy
    Hi Uncle Steve.

    Steve
    Do you have any money?

    Suzy
    No, where is my Daddy?


    Panel 5

    Same as panel 4 except Steve is talking on a cell phone.

    Caption
    With a cell he took from his brother
    Steve talks to one of his drug dealers.

    Suzy
    Is my Daddy ok?

    Steve
    Quite I’m trying to talk
    Frank it’s Steve, how much would
    you give me for a little white girl?

  5. #5
    PAGE 1
    Panel 1.
    A Dark, gloomy alley in New York City, Night. Its foggy outside, we see two dark silhouettes in the far end, speaking to each other.
    MAN: TWO-FITY, DAWG.
    MAN 2:MAAAN, LAST WEEK IT WAS ONLY TWO.
    MAN: I DONT CARE WHAT IS IT WAS LAST WEEK, ITS STILL TWO FITY.

    Panel 2.

    Close up on one the man who was angered about the price, he's about twenty five, African American, he has tattered clothes, and is covered in dirt and dust, he looks down, sad that he can't get the drugs he was wanting.

    Panel 3.

    He walks off, the drug dealer is now shown behind him, leaning up against a wall, he's dressed in expensive clothes, with a big leather jacket and sagging pants, he holds a cigarette in one hand. He calls out to the man.

    DRUG DEALER: HEY MAN, WHERE YOU THINK YOU GOIN'? YOU STILL OWE ME FROM LAST WEEK, 'MEMBER?

    Panel 4.
    The poor bum looks back, frightened.

    panel 5.

    He takes off, the drug dealer calls to him.

    DRUG DEALER: (OFF PANEL) YOU AIN'T FIXIN' TO JUST RUN AWAY!


    Panel 6.

    The man falls forward with bullets shooting through him. The drug dealer stands behind him shooting.
    SFX: BLAM! BLAM! BLAM!

    PAGE 2


    Panel 1.

    The body lies on the ground in front of the drug dealer, he chuckles.

    DRUG DEALER: HEH, SHOULDA PAID, MAN.

    Panel 2.
    The dealer hears a noise, he looks up, frightened.
    SFX: HOWWLLLLLLLLLL......
    DRUG DEALER: AW, &*^%.

    Panel 3.

    A large, extremely muscular German shepherd is growling in front of him, he has glowing red eyes, the drug dealer looks in front of him, frightened, as we see from the side of his face.
    GERMAN SHEPHERD: GRRRRRRRR........

    CAPTION: (OFFICER) LOOKS LIKE HE WAS ATTACKED BY SOME ANIMAL. A DOG, MAYBE?

    Panel 4.
    The Next day, two police officers are looking at the body of the dead drug dealer.

    OFFICER KNOWLES: I DON'T KNOW, BUT NO HUMAN DID THIS.


    PAGE 3.


    Panel 1.

    Panel 1.
    OFFICER HUGHES: (MALE OFFICER, AGE 36) I KNOW THIS GUY, HE'S THE ONE THAT ESCAPED FROM PRISON TWO WEEKS AGO, DEONTE JACKSON OR SOMETHING, HE'S THE ONE THAT WE BUSTED WITH THE K-9 UNIT, KILLED MY GERMAN SHEPHERD, HOSS. MISS HIM TO THIS DAY.

    Panel 2.
    OFFICER KNOWLES: (A FEMALE OFFICER OF ABOUT 30) HOW?

    Panel 3.
    1. HUGHES: (LOOKING DOWN, UPSET TO REMEMBER IT) HE WAS HIGH ON ACID, AND HE LOCKED HIMSELF IN HIS BASEMENT, AND TRIED TO MIX ALL OF THE CHEMICALS TO USE AS A WEAPON, I GUESS. MY DOG ATTACKED WHEN WE BROKE IN, BREATHED IN THE FUMES.
    2. HE DIED ALMOST INSTANTLY.

    Panel 4:
    1.HUGHES: (HE LOOKS AT KNOWLES) EVEN IF THERE WAS A CHANCE HE MIGHT HAVE LIVED, HE DIDN'T GET IT, IT CAUSED A CHEMICAL EXPLOSION, PLACE BURNED DOWN.

    Panel 5.
    2. (HE PULLS OUT HIS PHONE, LOOKING DOWN AT IT.) AT LEAST NO ONE GOT HURT.

    Panel 6.

    PANEL 1: (HE IS NOW ON HIS PHONE) RAWLS? CAN YOU GET ANIMAL CONTROL ON THE LINE? LOOKS LIKE WE MIGHT NEED THEIR HELP ON THIS ONE.


    PAGE 5.

    Panel 1.
    Its night, the area is cleared off, with several other officers gathered around KNOWLES, HUGHES, and the animal control guy, JOHNSON.

    1. JOHNSON: (A BALDING MAN, MID 40'S) THIS ISN'T THE ONLY BODY I'VE BEEN CALLED IN ON TODAY, WE FOUND ONE ON BROADWAY, AND ONE IN AN ALLEY ON TENTH STREET, WITNESSES ALSO SAY THEY SAW A LARGE GERMAN SHEPHERD GROWLING AND BARKING AT A BURNT DOWN METH-LAB DOWNTOWN. SUPPOSEDLY WHERE THIS GUY USED TO LIVE.
    2. BUT WE HAVEN'T CHECKED IT OUT YET.
    2. HUGHES: WAIT, WHERE WAS THE METH LAB?

    Panel 2.

    1.JOHNSON: DOWN OVER ON N. LAKE DRIVE, I THINK.

    Panel 3.

    1. Hughes looks shocked at what Johnson has just said, like he has just seen a ghost.

    Panel 4.

    Hughes is running towards his police car. Knowles calls after him.
    1: KNOWLES: HUGHES? HUGHES? WHERE ARE YOU GOING?

    Panel 5.
    Hughes has stopped the car in front of the charred remains of the house, he hears the sound of barking.
    SFX: BARK! BARK! BARK!
    1. HUGHES: HOSS? C'MERE BOY!!!

    Panel 6.
    1. The dog turns around, blood stains on his teeth, he growls viciously at Hughes.
    2. HOSS: GGGRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR.......

    Panel 7.
    Hoss leaps up, attacking, Hughes screams...

    HUGHES: NO, BOY! NO! NOOOOO!!!

    Panel 8.
    The headline of a paper sitting in the alleyway is seen.
    1. OFFICER ATTACKED AND KILLED BY GERMAN SHEPHERD.
    2. (IN SMALLER LETTERS) 8 MORE FOUND DEAD TO RELATED ANIMAL ATTACKS...
    Last edited by JoshPottz; 02-03-2013 at 01:08 PM.

  6. #6
    Zepster: WWII superheroes and Nazi villains, that's an easy sell for me! Loved the opening line with the imagery in panel one. Part of me wishes you stayed in this time period. But, a present day Reich is a scary setting and fun to explore, too. The descriptions were all solid and most of the dialogue worked. One thing that could be made stronger, story-wise, is Stars and Stripes relationship and their plot to undermine the Nazis. I'm not sure it worked. I think I understand what you were going for, that they had to be disciplined in this 40 year plot and it caused their relationship to be destroyed, but it lacked an impact for me. It leaves me with more questions than anything else.
    Stripes betrays the cause, the American Way, so easily after Patriot gets his neck snapped. He's so willing to bow down to Uber and join the Nazis. Is that because he already had this plan in place? If so, why have Patriot die in the first place? Couldn't he have been in on it too and bowed down, working with Uber Man together? I think those were the big questions I was left with. I hope that helps. On a side note, you should check out Powers:Z. It plays with something similar to this(WWII Heroes) and I thought of it as I read the first page. I think you'll like it!
    MYTH: All proceeds form issue 1 go to Childhelp.org
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  7. #7
    Member Zepster's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Red Fox View Post
    Zepster: WWII superheroes and Nazi villains, that's an easy sell for me! Loved the opening line with the imagery in panel one. Part of me wishes you stayed in this time period. But, a present day Reich is a scary setting and fun to explore, too. The descriptions were all solid and most of the dialogue worked. One thing that could be made stronger, story-wise, is Stars and Stripes relationship and their plot to undermine the Nazis. I'm not sure it worked. I think I understand what you were going for, that they had to be disciplined in this 40 year plot and it caused their relationship to be destroyed, but it lacked an impact for me. It leaves me with more questions than anything else.
    Stripes betrays the cause, the American Way, so easily after Patriot gets his neck snapped. He's so willing to bow down to Uber and join the Nazis. Is that because he already had this plan in place? If so, why have Patriot die in the first place? Couldn't he have been in on it too and bowed down, working with Uber Man together? I think those were the big questions I was left with. I hope that helps. On a side note, you should check out Powers:Z. It plays with something similar to this(WWII Heroes) and I thought of it as I read the first page. I think you'll like it!
    Howdy,

    The relationship... Yeah, 40 years is a long time. If I expanded beyond 5 pages I'd have plenty of opportunity to build the relationship or backfill it. Clearly they have had some form of contact but it would have been dangerous and fleeting at best and within context of the plot the reveal needed to come late in the day.

    Stripes betrayal - If you're thinking bigger picture and know you've lost for today but may have something tomorrow.. Its a bit cold/clinical, particularly when you consider the type of acts he would have needed to build trust with his new employers. I wouldn't have imagined he got beyond "stay in the game" with switching sides and keeping ultimate revenge in the background until its time came. - hope that makes sense.

    Never got round to looking at Powers. Inspiration on this came a bit from Zenith and a bit from Brokeback mountain.

    Thanks for the feedback
    Last edited by Zepster; 02-04-2013 at 06:34 AM.

  8. #8
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    And here's mine - called "Hunter's Moon"...

    Was going to submit a story taking place in an asylum, but with another one already in the running, I decided to truncate an older idea to fit...

    I have to admit it seems cramped - but 5 pages are all we've got... Sigh...

    Hunter's Moon

    Premise:

    In the near future, a murderous gang goes around webcasting their kills for pageviews. Until the tables are turned and they become the hunted.

    Surroundings:
    Set in a city, high-rise skyscrapers in the background. But the club is near the industrial area or docks – you have lots of open spaces and low buildings.


    Character Descriptions:
    • Leesha – teenager – 19 years old, black hair & green eyes. Dressed in trendy clothes – skintight dress and top with jacket & boots. But she holds a secret – she’s a …

    • The Gang – 5 members – a mix of genders & colors – White, Black, Asian and Hispanic… All wear futuristic looking clothes, with small 50MP digital cameras strapped around their necks, hooked up to 2TB gPhones - to capture the kill. The signal is then piped over LT3 to their fans... Who pay to see snuff films played out live. iPhones or G-glasses? Quadrotor cams?

    • The Fans – non-descript member of fans – we don't see any of them, but they talk like it’s a multiplayer online game or on a chat forum… It's all their fault - they vote on who is going to be selected & then bet on how long the victim will last...
    And the script:

    Page 1

    Panel 1

    POV of somebody lying on the ground – he’s looking up into the eager faces of 5 sweaty teenagers, all wielding weapons (knives, a sword, tazer) and wearing cameras, looking down at him… They are either smiling or laughing. The night time sky is visible behind them – a few stars and the full moon visible…Also some highrise buildings. Streetlights and the cameras are also a light source – from the LED flashes attached to them. The bottom left and right edges of the panel are starting to darken as death approaches…


    Gang Leader:
    Wait for it…


    Panel 2

    Reverse view – from above the POV of the Gang – they’ve has just finished their latest kill, they’re standing over the teenaged boy, his face bloody, clothes torn. Blood pooling around his neck. There’s a camera on a harness visible around his neck. The gang are watching as he dies, filming everything…

    Gang Leader:
    Almost there…


    Panel 3

    Close up of his face - his eyes close & he dies… Almost the same pose and position as previous panel, just zoomed in, blood is still visible. In the bottom left hand corner is a gPhone, with a copy of most of the panel displayed and a red dot to show it is recording.

    Gang Leader:
    And cut – that’s a wrap…

    Gang:
    1 Mill Page views!

    Panel 4

    Close-up on the gPhone – show a hand holding it from the left side of the panel – left hand would be easiest I think. There’s an “iTube” logo on the display of the phone. We’re focusing mainly on the phone, so the background can be indistinct and/or out of focus. Leave some space below the phone for speech bubbles, as we need to show that the fans are not happy…

    Fans (Off-panel):
    NO WAY! HE DIED TOO SOON!

    Fans (Off-panel):
    YEAH, WHAT ARE YOU NOOBS UP TO? I THOUGHT YOU KNEW WHAT YOU WERE DOING?

    Fans (Off-panel):
    YOU FSUCK!


    Panel 5

    We pull back a bit, to show the gang leader on the left of the panel, with the phone in his hand, and the other gang members on the right side of the panel. Nobody is standing in the middle, as that is where the body still is, but we don’t really see it, shot should be from around waist-height.

    Leader:
    FIND A CHICK THIS TIME, SHE MIGHT BE MORE WHAT THE FANS ARE LOOKING FOR!

    Captions pointing to Gang Leader and Gang – Leader & Followers.



    Panel 6 (Panels 6 – 8 are small inset-type panels in one row at the bottom of the page)

    Show from the POV of the camera – zooms in on a woman, she’s tall & blonde, wearing a jumpsuit. But she’s in her 40’s & slightly overweight – trying to fit in – reminds one of an aged Paris Hilton! Your decision if you want to include the miniature dog in the handbag or not…

    Fans (Off-panel):
    NO – TOO OLD!

    Fans (Off-panel):
    YEAH, IF I WANTED TO OFF MY GRAMMA, I WOULD’VE DUNIT MYSELF!

    Fans (Off-panel):
    NEXT!


    Panel 7

    Show from the POV of the camera – zooms in on another woman, she’s thinner and chain-smoking

    Fans (Off-panel):
    HEY GUYS, IT’S SMOKEY THE BEAR!

    Fans (Off-panel):
    PASS…


    Panel 8

    Show from the POV of the camera – zooms in on LEESHA, digging in her purse. The fans vote & then they're decided.

    Fans (Off-panel):
    YEAH, SHE IS THE ONE!!!


    Page 2

    Panel 1

    Focus on LEESHA – same POV as before, just a bit zoomed out to show where she is. She’s standing outside a club, people standing around, waiting to get in… On the roof/wall of the club is a neon sign – “Luna’s”. Leesha knows it wasn't a good idea to go out & try to have a good time, especially tonight, but she has been taking her meds, so she thought it to be safe... But the gang has other plans. She’s standing near the back of the line, between two buildings, there is an alley behind her… She’s still digging in her purse…

    LEESHA (Thought):
    AARGH – WHERE ARE THEY…


    Panel 2 (small inset)
    We see what she’s been looking for – two pills in the palm of her hand, semi-translucent black and red gel capsules, with what looks like silver sparkles inside them…

    LEESHA (Thought):
    GOT YA…


    Panel 3

    View from behind her as the gang approaches from the alley side. Capture her in mid-motion as she is about to throw the pills into her open mouth.

    LEESHA (Thought):
    NO MORE WORRIES AFTER THIS…


    Panel 4

    Biggish panel & reverse POV again – from street side. The gang pounce on Leesha & one of them has his hand over her mouth. The rest flash knives and guns at the people in front of Leesha. The gang and Leesha are in the middle of the panel, and people have moved left and right, away from the gang.…


    Gang:
    Wanna make something of it?

    Crowd 1:
    It’s the Murderz gang!

    Crowd 2:
    Isn’t someone going to do something?

    Crowd 3:
    Just let them take her!

    Crowd 4:
    Don’t worry, we can watch it online…


    Panel 5

    They drag her further into the alley, still being gagged and held.

    Gang Leader:
    Anyone who calls the cops gets to play too…



    Panel 6

    View of the sidewalk / Alleyway floor, the full moon is reflected in a puddle of water. The bright silver capsules has fallen to the ground & gleams in the light of the full moon.

    Gang (offpanel):
    Lookee here…


    Page 3

    Panel 1

    Still in the alley, close up on one of the gang members, thinking it’s drugs, has bent down and picked them up & takes a bite

    Gang :
    Beam me up little buddies…


    Panel 2

    Overshoulder shot from the gang member’s right side, as he spits out the pill into his open palm!

    Gang :
    What the hell is Ag-No3?


    Panel 3

    2 gangers are holding Leesha on each side. They want to know what she’s using. She pleads with them…

    Gang :
    What are you using?

    Leesha:
    It’s not drugs, it’s my meds…

    Leesha:
    Please, you don’t understand, I need my meds, otherwise…

    Panel 4

    More or less same panel as previous – as she is manhandled & something stuck around her neck – it’s a GPS harness with another cam - to get their faces as they kill her.

    Leader (Offpanel to left):
    What’s your name?

    Leesha (softly):
    Leesha…


    Panel 5

    The gang leader is now on the left of the panel, and Leesha and the 2 gangers on the right. The leader has a knife in his hand and runs the blade over her neck, drawing blood…

    Leader:
    LEESHA, WE’RE GOING TO PLAY A LITTLE GAME…

    Leader:
    YOU RUN, WE CHASE.

    Leader:
    WE CATCH YOU, YOU DIE…


    Panel 6

    Then she's released – she runs down the alley, away from the gang & away from the people!

    Leader:
    LET HER GO…

    Leader:
    RUN CHICKEE, RUN!


    Page 4

    Panel 1

    Still in the alleyway, the gang leader pulls out his phone & holds up his hand, palm open in a “not-yet” sign. He’s on the left, the gang on the right. We see her running away from them in the middle… If possible show that the phone shows a split screen view – GPS tracker on one side, and view from her cam on the other side. The gang members have their weapons out already…

    Gang leader:
    WAIT for it!

    Fans (from phone):
    What are you waiting for?

    Fans (from phone):
    After her!


    Panel 2

    He drops his arm and points after her - the hunt begins!

    Gang leader:
    LET’S GET HER!

    Fans (from phone):
    Yes!!!



    Panel 3

    We see LEESHA as she runs away from them, tears running down her face, bleeding as well from her neck… The gang members are visible in the far background…

    LEESHA (Thought):
    I HAVE TO GET AWAY FROM THEM!


    Panel 4

    She stumbles! POV from her right side – level with her, so she is running to the right.


    LEESHA (Thought):
    AND NEED TO GET TO MY EMERGENCY MED--

    LEESHA (BURST):
    OOFH!


    Panel 5

    And she falls down! View from the side, slightly above her - she’s on her hands and knees – feet left side of panel, head to the right. And mostly in shadows… She’s hurt and confused - but the scent of blood is enough to counteract the meds in her system & start her transformation into something more than human!

    LEESHA (Thought):
    TOO LATE! IT’S STARTING!


    Panel 6

    And then the Gang arrives! View is further from the ground than the previous panel, so bit higher than 6ft from the ground, so we are looking down at the gang. They’re standing, each looking in different direction, with cams and weapons to the front! And before them is mostly shadows, so yeah, obligatory “staring into the abyss” reference!

    Gang:
    Huh?

    Fans (burst from camera):
    Where is she?


    Panel 7

    Of course the leader sends them in!

    Gang Leader:
    Don’t just stand there – find her!



    Panel 8 (small inset panel)

    Blacked out panel with scream SFX!


    SFX:

    Eeeeeahrghhh!


    SFX:

    Aaarghhh!

    Page 5

    Panel 1
    One of the gang members has managed to crawl out of the shadows! But half-dying – bleeding profusely & one arm and other side's hand are missing!

    Ganger:
    HEEELPPP!


    Panel 2
    Biggish panel on right side of page as we finally see LEESHA as her lycanthropic self – black fur, long nails, even sharper teeth...

    SFX:
    GRrrrrr…


    Panel 3

    Smaller panel, below panel 1, showing the Gang leader, begging her to save his life. He’s holding up his hands in front of him, to show that he’s dropped his weapons…

    Gang leader:
    PLEASE, PLEASE, SPARE ME!

    Gang leader:
    I was just doing what the fans wanted to see!


    Panel 4
    Close up of his face, his one phone earbud has fallen out of his ear... But then the fans start shouting over his earphones! The fans have spoken...

    Fans:
    Kill him!

    Fans:
    Kill him!

    Fans:
    KILL HIM!!!"




    Panel 5
    From his POV again – she’s towering above him, filling most of the panel as she raises her claws, ready to strike.


    Leader:
    NOoooo!

    SFX:
    Hoooowlll…


    Panel 6 (SMALL INSET PANEL)
    And then nothing as the camera is destroyed... TV snow / Internet 404 error message or Transmission Interrupted message – take your pick.




    THE END
    C&C welcomed...
    Last edited by Chris2.0; 02-04-2013 at 03:39 PM.

  9. #9

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    Esprit de l'escalier

    Eris Former New England Cross Country running star: tan, all bones and lean muscle; blonde, hazel eyes; looks like Hilary Clinton and Martha Stewart's lovechild; young professional dress [skirt, stockings]

    Harold Park Middle-aged Korean man with a distinct beer belly; round face, very broad build, average height; thick fingers; rumpled suit and tie; bullky winter coat across his lap

    Officer M.G. Uniformed police officer; young and very lean black man; less than average height

    P1

    PN1
    Late at night, a road runs through a snow-dusted forest on the shore of an iced-over lake. There are less than a handful of cars traveling in either direction.


    PN2
    A police car drives along the road. Eris, face pressed against the passenger window, mouth agape, is apparently passed out. She’s in the driver-side rear seat. The driver’s face is out of frame.
    PARK [off panel] Oh-Okay


    PN 3
    Inside the car, Harold Park in the passenger side rear seat. His forehead presses against the back of passenger seat. His hands are still cuffed behind his back. A metal grate separates the passengers from the driver.
    PARK Call Barbara. Tell her I -


    PN4
    Park stares down at the floor between his feet with his wet, red eyes. He’s quite sweaty.


    PN5
    He turns his head toward the rear passenger side door. His eyes are closed and face is screwed up.
    PARK SFX *Exhale*


    PN 6
    Park sits up, his face toward the ceiling. His face is relaxed, but his brow is still knotted, eyes still shut.
    PARK First. Call Thompson. First. Get Judge Harris. He commits to seal –


    PN7
    Eris is holding a smartphone with screen towards Park. He’s turned towards her.
    ERIS You should watch this before you start making plans.




    P2


    PN1
    The screen of the smartphone: Park is on an urban sidewalk during a light snowfall. He’s facing a uniformed police officer.
    OFFICER Again, it is such an honor
    PARK Son, I have a big enough head as it is -
    SFX *bri-bri-bri*


    PN2
    The video is focusing in on Park as he reaches for his coat pocket, clearly flustered.
    PARKSorry, let me check this.
    SFX *bri-bri-bri*


    PN 3
    In the backseat of the police car, Park stares at himself on screen. His brow is knotted as he pieces together what happened. Eris holds the phone between them.
    PARK [off panel] The hell –
    OFFICER [off panel] Sir.
    SFX *bri-bri-bri*


    PN4
    The video shows Park staring at the officer, dumbfounded and holding a respectably sized bag of cocaine.
    PARK This had to have been planted-
    SFX *bri-bri-bri*
    ERIS [off panel] This has already been sent to a third-party-


    PN5
    In the car, Park glares at Eris. Eris gestures one hand toward him as she pockets the phone with the other. Her eyes are closed and eyebrows are raised.
    ERIS who will release it to the public when we reach the station.






    P3


    PN1
    Eris looks at Park over her tented fingers. He’s practically spitting his response at her.
    ERIS So, what’re we going to do to alter this outcome.
    PARK Nothing.


    PN2
    Eris presses her index fingers against her lips, as Park stares at the back of the front passenger seat.
    PARK You spun your little web, but I’m not about to do you any favors.


    PN 3
    Eris makes a sweeping gesture with her right hand, her left arm folded against herself. Park faces the window on his side, his back to her.
    ERIS I’m offering a dignified, financially secure retirement -
    PARK Inspiring magnanimity, offering a reprieve to the man you framed.
    ERIS for you –

    PN4
    Park seethes at his reflection in the window.
    ERIS [off panel] and Barb.






    P4


    PN1
    Eris stares at Park’s back and hunched shoulders.


    PN2
    Park rests his forehead against the window.
    PARK So, you want me to resign.
    ERIS [off panel] No. A Senate seat is very valuable.


    PN3
    Eris has her phone back in her hands. Her finger taps the screen.
    ERIS There are documents at the station. They’ll let me bleed you dry if you don’t cooperate.


    PN 4
    A preamble to a legal document is open on the screen.
    ERIS [off panel] You sign them, and all evidence of what happened tonight? Into thin air.


    PN5
    She holds the smartphone in front of Park.
    ERIS I’ll only ask you to make a handful of votes -


    PN6
    Park considers the screen as Eris scrolls through the document.
    ERIS and ensure certain bills don’t get killed in committee.






    P5


    PN1
    Park reads the document. The light from the screen casts his face in stark relief.
    PARK Christ… You know, you’re overestimating me quite a bit.


    PN2
    Eris continues scrolling through the document. Her head is tilted and she’s smirking; she’s regards Park with incredulity.
    ERIS A chairmanship is pretty powerful.


    PN 3
    Eris watches Park read with her eyes narrowed.
    ERIS And you play this game well, when motivated.


    PN4
    Park leans back, eyes closed, muttering into his chest.
    PARK … jesus. christ.


    PN5
    Eris returns the phone to her purse. An exhausted Park stares at her.
    ERIS I take that to mean we have an agreement.
    Scripts & Story Fragments

    Sketchbook

    PUMMEL [M] 11 wins | 23 losses | 7 knockouts

  10. #10
    Registered User
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    portland
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    Hi! First post. I'm glad I found some writing exercises here!

    I have no idea if I made the deadline. If so wonderful, if not, that's perfectly ok. I just wanted to get something done and get involved in the conversation.

    Please excuse any formatting and layout weirdness. I was messing around with a new scripting program, and I have a feeling it's going to look kinda harsh. And please excuse the campiness at the end!! I was getting tired.


    Page 1

    Panel 1

    We're looking at a seemingly unconscious Bob, strapped into
    the flight chair of his little spaceship. From our
    perspective, he's inverted at a jaunty zero-gravity angle,
    with bits of junk floating around the cabin. Scraps of food, a
    screwdriver, beads of liquid, tiny glass vials, a book, etc;
    anything you'd like. The power is out, so everything is a dark
    blue, accented by a harsh yellow light coming from our right.

    Panel 2

    Outside his ship, we see two people in spacesuits
    shining a light into the window. The suits aren't too
    bulky, and not too snug, they look pretty darn good.
    Bob's ship is connected via a short, sturdy,
    umbilical-like docking bay to a much larger ship. At
    the moment we can only see the front section of Bob's
    ship, and a fraction of the larger ship. Cargo,
    personal, etc. are transferred through that docking
    bay, which is numbered 1034. However, the spacesuit
    people aren't using that, and are tethered to the
    larger ship through a small service hatch next to the
    bay.

    SPACESUIT A:

    Auto-docked twenty minutes ago. Ain't heard nothing
    since.

    SPACESUIT B:

    Nor during his approach.

    Panel 3

    We're back in Bob's ship, now looking out past the
    small round window, which is framing the spacesuit
    people's partially illuminated faces. Inside their
    helmets we can see only the facial features, where
    everything else from the cheekbones back is obscured
    by heavy padding. In the foreground are more bits of the
    floating junk mentioned above.

    SPACESUIT B:

    Keep it sealed. Finish safety checks. Let me know
    where this one is coming from.

    SPACESUIT A:

    Aye, Sir.

    Panel 4

    Spacesuit B is kicking away from Bob's ship to get a
    better view of it.

    Panel 5

    Spacesuit B is floating in the foreground with his
    back to us. He is facing Bob's ship, now seen in its
    entirety. It's not that big, more of a one-manned
    short haul cargo transport. It's old and battered and
    has been repaired and patched-up multiple times.
    Designation 603 is seen in large numerals across its
    side, but that's barely readable under a layer of
    rust, dents, and a touch of graffiti. We can only see
    a fraction more of the larger ship Bob is connected
    to. It's clean and sleek and expansive, with more
    docking bays seen along its receding surface. No
    other ships are docked. At the top right of the panel
    we can see a sliver of the planet they're orbiting.
    Spacesuit B's tether is unwinding from the service
    hatch. Spacesuit A is no longer visible.

    Panel 6

    A close up of Spacesuit B's face. From his mouth a
    few thin scars are creeping onto his cheeks. The
    black of space to the left and right of his helmet.

    Page 2

    Panel 1

    Similar shot. Same guy, who we'll now call SIR, but
    he's out of his spacesuit. He's in his late 40's with
    close-cropped hair. Instead of the black of space to
    the left and right of his head, we're looking down as
    he's lying in his bunk. One arm is behind his head.
    There is very little light.

    INTERCOM:

    Sir. That hauler at bay Ten Thirty-four, it's
    hailed from Terminus Gate. Too far to make it this
    far on its own.

    Panel 2

    Zoom out. Sir is sitting up in his bunk, with feet on
    the floor, and hands on knees. It looks like he never
    got fully undressed to sleep. The room is amazingly
    cramped, with all the necessary living amenities
    designed to fit into as economical a space as
    possible. The lights are now on.

    SIR (MURMURS):

    Lights.

    INTERCOM:

    No signal from inside yet. He's been here nine
    hours now. Name Robert Francis, no record.
    No contaminants or toxins detected. Waiting on your
    word to proceed.

    Panel 3

    Closer in on Sir beginning to put on his uniform's
    jacket over a tank top.

    INTERCOM 1:

    Also, Merchant Admiral Turpin has caught wind of
    this. He wants to know if he can be of assistance.

    SIR:

    That won't be necessary. Thank the Merchant
    Admiral. I'll be up shortly.

    INTERCOM 2:

    Aye, Sir.

    Panel 4

    Sir stares at his reflection in the mirror above his
    wardrobe station. He's fastening the top-most button
    on his collar.

    Panel 5

    Sir glances at his wrist watch.

    Panel 6

    Back to a close-up of Bob. It's still dark, there's
    still stuff floating around his head. His eyes are
    open.

    Panel 7

    Close in on Bob's hands. They have unlatched the
    shoulder straps of the flight chair. The straps are
    floating in the anti-gravity.

    Page 3

    Panel 1

    Bob is making his way to the back of the cabin amidst
    all the floating junk. He is pushing off of the
    flight chair and reaching towards a small hatch in
    the rear bulkhead. This accesses the cargo hold via a
    tiny sleeping area a bathroom nook. The hatch is a
    narrow tube, just wide enough for a person to crawl
    through, about 2 feet deep, with hand holds to get in
    and out. Complete darkness beyond.

    Panel 2

    We see Bob’s legs disappearing into the opening.

    Panel 3

    Close in on legs walking down a metal corridor. These
    are Sir’s legs, so should be in military styled boots
    and slacks. Give the slacks a notable stripe up the
    sides. Direction of travel right to left.
    Panel 4 Full shot of Sir paused in the hallway. His hand is
    touching the small communication device in his ear.

    RADIO 1:

    Sir, I'm afraid the Merchant Admiral has insisted
    he be of service. He is on his way to bay Ten
    Thirty-four.

    SIR 1:

    Will he be able to open the door?

    RADIO 2:

    We believe he has an engineer with him.

    Panel 5

    Close in on Sir's midriff in profile. He is sprinting
    down the corridor. Hands pumping, utility belt
    flapping, speed lines. Direction of travel left to
    right.

    SIR 2 (CONNECTED FROM PANEL ABOVE):

    Gear up. Full suit. Meet me there.

    Panel 6

    Close up of Sir peeking around the corner of a
    bulkhead door.

    Panel 7

    We are looking across the compression chamber of
    docking bay 1034 at a heavily built circular metal
    door. 1034 is printed on the wall to the right, above
    an adjacent control panel. The docking bay door is
    open, with only darkness beyond. There are blood
    smears on the floor leading into the darkness. In the
    forground, and around the edges of the panel we can
    see slivers of Sir and his men. The men are decked
    out in armored spacesuits with enclosed helmets
    similar to those in page 1. They are armed with white
    batons.

    Page 4

    Panel 1

    Sir is stealthily creeping along the edge of the
    chamber with a baton in one hand, and making a "hold"
    gesture with the trailing hand. In the background all
    his suited up men are crammed in the doorway to the
    compression chamber.

    SIR:

    Give me five minutes. Keep those helmets on.

    Panel 2

    Medium shot of Sir with his back to the edge of the
    circular door. He is leaning his head towards the
    opening.

    VOICE (SMALL, FROM OPEN DOOR):

    You ****ed up! You ****ed it all up!

    Panel 3

    We are now in the entry corridor of Bob's ship,
    looking out towards the opening which leads back to
    the compression chamber. It's quite dark in Bob's
    ship, with the far background of the compression
    chamber quite bright. Sir is now free floating in the
    anti gravity of the entry corridor, making his way
    towards us. He is enshrouded in darkness, save for
    his slightly glowing baton. There is another smaller
    hatch/tube in the ceiling, similar to the one at the
    rear of Bob's cabin. There's a little of the junk
    from the cabin floating around down here.

    VOICE (FROM HATCH IN CEILING):

    You should have been gone hours ago! A simple
    repair! Now this!

    Panel 4

    Sir is popping his head up from this tube. There are
    more blood smears in the tube with him. Behind him we
    can see the small control cabin and flight chair of
    Bob's ship. There's the normal amount of junk
    floating here. We can see out the front window
    somewhat, and can perhaps partially read 1034 painted
    on the larger ship.

    VOICE (ALWAYS AHEAD OF SIR):

    You were not to touch any of it!

    Panel 5

    Extreme close up of Sir eying one of the tiny glass
    vials (from page 1 panel 1) as it floats before his
    face. The slightly glowing baton almost touching it.

    VOICE:

    What is left? Give it to me and go. You get
    nothing.

    Panel 6

    Sir is already gliding past the meager sleeping
    quarters of Bob's ship, and we only see his legs.
    There's a body stuffed into the small bunk. He is
    wearing clothing akin to a maintenance worker.
    Multiple key cards and thin cylindrical objects hang
    from his utility belt. One arm is pinned behind him,
    the other drifting into the corridor. The panel
    border doesn't let us see his face. Beads of blood
    float in the air.

    VOICE (SILENCED ABRUPTLY):

    You get no--*

    Panel 7

    A close up shot of Bob's bloody hand shooting himself
    up in the neck with an inoculation gun. We can't see
    his face yet.

    Panel 8

    Shot of Sir as he squats in the hatch leading to the
    cargo hold. With his free hand he's stiff-arming the
    doorway to keep himself from floating around. He's
    facing us, crouching, a faint light source
    illuminates him. The room into which he's looking is
    the largest so far in this little ship. Only the
    hatch and its wall are visible thus far.

    SIR:

    Careful. Too much, and you may go native. You won't
    even need this ship to fly home.

    Page 5

    Panel 1

    Pull out on Bob with the inoculation gun in his
    hands. He's pulling back the slide and a tiny glass
    vial is being ejected. His head is tilted back and to
    the side as he replies. He's in a narrow space
    between strapped down stacks of plastic cargo boxes.
    An ornately dressed body is visible in the
    background, dangling from the upper edge of the
    panel. Its head is twisted an unfortunate degree.

    SFX:

    tink

    BOB 1:

    At this point, that's the idea. No?

    BOB 2:

    Things haven't gone well. I must admit.

    BOB 3:

    I'm far enough along to see we are on the same
    path.

    Panel 2

    Close in on Sir's face. He has picked up a few of the
    floating drops of blood on the side of his face.

    SIR:

    I turned back.

    Panel 3

    Medium shot of Bob. His head is tilted back and his
    mount is open. It looks like an iridescent green ball
    is in his mouth.

    BOB:

    It begi--*

    Panel 4

    Close up of Sir's hand gripping the baton.

    Panel 5

    We see Bob's head and shoulders in profile. He's
    leaning back violently and the iridescent green ball
    is as big as his head. His jaw is open way beyond
    normal, and his lips and face are splitting open in a
    radial pattern from his mouth, several inches deep.

    Panel 6

    A shot of Sir's feet pushing off the cargo hold door,
    springing into the room.

    Panel 7

    Sir is stabbing the baton into the green ball near
    Bob's chin. Sparks are crackling from the baton near
    the entry point, and the top of the ball is
    exploding. Green goo and sparks shooting out.

    SIR 1:

    Sorry, Robert.

    SIR 2:

    Alien blood is a felony.

    Panel 8

    A head shot of your typical gray-faced and big-eyed
    alien.

    ALIEN:

    Just say no.

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