View Poll Results: Which story was your favorite ?

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  • "Mada’s Tale" by Shaun/Chris2.0

    3 50.00%
  • "Out" by TeamWood & Tudore

    3 50.00%
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Thread: Co-Writer Challenge #4: Culture Clash

  1. #11
    BUMPED! 2 weeks left...

  2. #12
    Lincoln faked his death...there, I said it. [SUPPORTER]
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    Quote Originally Posted by Shaun View Post
    BUMPED! 2 weeks left...
    Hey Thanks Shaun, I'd completely forgotten about this thread.

  3. #13
    Sure. It's the draw back to having extended deadlines, we all forget about it. I don't know how many people will show up for this one for that reason, hence the bump!

  4. #14

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    TW and I are definitely in, so at the very least we've got enough people to have a vote.
    Scripts & Story Fragments

    Sketchbook

    PUMMEL [M] 11 wins | 23 losses | 7 knockouts

  5. #15

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    Ever inscrutable and dreaded double post! My horse for a delete button!
    Last edited by tudore; 02-14-2013 at 01:25 AM.
    Scripts & Story Fragments

    Sketchbook

    PUMMEL [M] 11 wins | 23 losses | 7 knockouts

  6. #16
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    Yea, Tudore and I are in. We are producing literary/comic magnificence.

  7. #17
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    And we be double postin', so you all best be scared.

    Sorry late night + me being a dork = strange posts.
    Last edited by TeamWood; 02-14-2013 at 04:04 AM.

  8. #18
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    Culture Clash - Mada’s Tale

    And by the Shaun/Chris2.0 team-up:

    Characters:
    1. Mada – Looks like a native American boy, but actually of Eurasian/SinoAfrican mixed race of the far future. Dressed in very plain pants & shoesandles, bare chested & could be unwashed. Longish hair, dreadlocked if it fits. Only jewelry is a metal and ivory (actually white plastic!) bracelet on his left wrist.

    2. Yale – Giles type? With the glasses and everything? Wearing? He’s cleaner than Mada, for reasons that shall become evident…
    I like him in glasses, maybe a futuristic version of a stuffy college professor (though it might be tough to draw since we are basically asking for an old version of a futuristic outfit. I guess it should just look different, it being dated will have to be inferred). Also his clothes should be described as surprisingly clean for his environment, or something to that effect. We want to give a little hint that he is not real.

    3. Energy Orbs – Blue, Purple and Green hued ones. Green one can have an Emerald Eye homage?
    I envision it kind of like the robot guy from Halo, like this https://encrypted-tbn0.gstatic.com/i...RWMnefwpAIvu1w . Obviously they don’t all have the blue coloring.


    4. Aliens/AH – they should be distinctly evolved but not so much they don’t look similar to Mada. I’m thinking like a streamlined human, so larger more articulated eyes, smaller, possibly non-existent ears, no nose, possibly no mouth. The idea being in space travel they no longer needed a lot of their senses.


    Locations:
    - A jungle, overgrown with trees, filled with various birds, fish and small wild-life. But no predators as such. A central small stream, leading into a central lake. We’ll later find out that this is actually the Oxygen recycling system of a huge Generational Space ship, but Mada is not aware of this. Neither Yale – there are some gaps in his memory banks… The Gen Ship is spinning to simulate gravity, and the ship still alternates between night and day – courtesy of solar-powered holographic displays, the same that is used for Yale.
    The ship is made of a series of cylindrical modules, all interconnected. The central ring had the sleeping quarters, with the propulsion system at the back. The out rings of modules is the ships water & oxygen regeneration plant – trees and reeds that filters out toxins for human re-use. The ground used also acted as a secondary cosmic ray barrier, if the primary magnetic field barrier against cosmic rays ever failed. The magnetic field barrier also produces an aurora effect.


    - The Alien / AH ship – the standard streamlined UFO that borrows a design motif from the above orb. So maybe a lot of energy orbs that the frame of the ship are built around.
    Page 1 (5 Panels)

    1. Establishing shot of our two main characters Mada and Yale – next to a lake in a remote jungle... There is a small fire next to them, as it is night time, and plenty of stars in the sky above them. Mada is on the left, Yale on the right. Mada is spear-fishing at the banks of the lake at night by the light from a fire-torch - so torch in his left hand, and a spear raised in his right. The spear’s sharp tip (blackened because it was hardened in a fire) is pointing down of course. His metal and ivory bracelet on his left is glinting in the light. In the background are trees – some of their branches extending over the side of the lake (important to show this), as well as a cave (mostly in shadows) and above all of this is the starry night sky. Also have to show with SFX that the jungle has abundant life – so please leave some space for animal/bird/insect SFX… And as usual his instructor, Yale, is prattling on about something, but is interrupted... And please leave some room for the title “Culture Clash – Mada’s Tale” and a credit box for all involved – list to follow…


    YALE:
    Mada…

    YALE (linked):
    Have you been listening to anything I’ve been saying?

    YALE (linked):
    We are the last--

    SFX (small, in background/treetops):
    Tweet-Tweet… Chirrr-Chirrr… Hooo-whooo… Chirrr-Chirrr… Tweet-Tweet…



    2. Zoom in on Mada, showing him as he’s thrown the spear into the lake. So arm/hand is pointing at the water, but with speed lines showing its original raised position. The spear is halfway into the water…

    MADA:
    Got one!

    SFX (where spear entered the water):
    Splash!


    3. Close-up on Mada as he holds the spear up, the fish impaled on the blackened sharp end - no metal tipped spears – want to show these guys haven’t reached the bronze/iron age yet… Yale is still on his right, but has moved closer, looking down at Mada’s catch with some disdain. The fish (let’s make it a tilapia [http://t3.gstatic.com/images?q=tbn:A...45QmTVu0NxV6qQ ] is wriggling on the spear, so some motion lines around it…)

    YALE:
    We really need to finish this history lesson Mada…

    MADA:
    Yale! Supper before study time!



    4. Cut to sometime later, as we see the fish has been gutted and cleaned and is tied to two sticks, roasting next to the fire. Mada and Yale are sitting next to the fire of course, Mada on the left, Yale on the right. They are not looking down at the fire, rather looking up at the tress, as they are interrupted by the sound of birds, and we see them in their dozens, fleeing from the treetops… All sorts and colours, moving to the right side of the panel. And then the insects fall silent. Mada wants to investigate despite the pleas of his cautious tutor.

    SFX (Growing larger from left to middle of panel, to indicate rising noise levels):
    Flap-Flap… Flap-Flap… Flap-Flap… Flap-Flap… Flap-Flap…

    MADA:
    Let’s go see what spooked the birds!

    YALE:
    What about your food? [Want to point out that Yale is not eating…]

    SFX (Font is shrinking from middle to right side of panel):
    Chirrr-Chirrr… Chirrr-Chirrr… Chirrr-Chirrr… …


    5. Then Mada and Yale both see it, a spaceship (design as per notes) zooming overhead in the night sky from left to right! They’re in the foreground, still next to the fire (Yale has moved the roasting fish away from the fire though), with the forest in front of them, and the night sky above. The ship is completely silent, as it is moving beyond the GenShip they are on, and the whole no-sound-outer-space rule… It’s like nothing they have ever seen before!

    No SFX…
    Page 2 (6 Panels)

    1. Still in front of the trees, Mada closer to the trees than the last panel. He looks back at Yale & asks if he’s ever seen something like this before? He hasn’t, but actually doesn’t remember it of course… Mada has to get a better look – says he’s going up the tree!

    MADA:
    What was that?!

    MADA (Linked):
    Have you ever seen something like that before?

    YALE:
    No… I…

    YALE (Linked):
    I can’t remember…

    MADA:
    Have to get closer!


    2. Mada’s now climbed one of the trees and he’s on the canopy level, near the top of the trees, standing on the tree’s branches. He’s looking around, one hand around the upright part of the tree. Yale is next to him of course and pleads with his youthful master to find shelter & hide. Although Yale is next to Mada, he is placed in the panel in such a way that we can’t see his feet.

    YALE:
    Please Mada, we have to find shelter…

    YALE (Linked):
    We don’t know what is going to happen - it could be--


    3. Show Mada and Yale on either end of the panel in the extreme foreground, still on the branch of course. In the background, they both see several strangely-lit energy orbs emerging from the dark jungle! Blue, Purple and Green hued ones! They must’ve come from the ship!


    MADA:
    They must’ve come from --

    SFX:
    Whoommm…



    4. More or less same panel as before can be re-used, but the orbs have moved closer! And the light halo around the orbs has gotten slightly bigger!



    YALE:
    We have to go – NOW!

    SFX:
    Whoommm…



    5. Still on the branch, Mada decides this is a wise idea – and both are by now halfway turned around, going to get away from the orbs! And the light halo around the orbs is getting bigger, actually bulging out towards them! Also focus on Mada’s bracelet on his left wrist - either by having it on the foreground, or have his wrist near the middle of the panel, and the orbs are right behind it? And perhaps add an attention-grabbing lens-flare FX to the metal part of his bracelet, reflecting the Blue, Purple and Green lights from the orbs?

    MADA:
    OK!



    6. Still on the branch, Mada now has passed the middle of the panel, on the way to the right, again in the extreme foreground. The Blue orb is behind him, the light halo has now turned into an “energy lasso” and ensnared Mada! Also show that on his left wrist, his bracelet has snapped open! How I think this can look (but feel free to chop/change as you see fit!) - Mada is on the right of the panel, facing us. So his left arm/wrist should be mostly off-panel. So have his arm bent at the elbow, and the hand/wrist pointing back or up, so that we can show the bracelet snapping off... We can leave Yale out of this panel – otherwise the panel will be too busy/cramped…
    MADA:
    Yale!

    SFX:
    Whoommm…
    Page 3 (6 Panels)

    1. Still on the same branch… Yale has jumped from the right side of the panel into the way of the energy lasso, thus releasing Mada – show that the energy lasso is dissipating around Mada… So from left to right is the Orb, then Yale, and in extreme right is Mada.

    YALE:
    NO!

    SFX:
    Whoommm…


    2. But the orb’s energy lasso has now ensnared Yale! Mada has turned back towards the orb, so left arm wrist with bracelet is back in near the middle to right of the panel. And hidden somewhere in the panel should be that Mada’s bracelet is also ensnared – this will later to be revealed as where Yale is projected from… Yeah, he’s a holographic projection…

    YALE:
    Run, Mada!

    SFX:
    Whoommm…


    3. The orb (with Yale and bracelet in tow) is flying away - the orb should have some speed lines moving upwards/away to show motion away from Mada. And show Mada reaching out to Yale (and the bracelet)! His only friend/teacher has been taking by the orbs! He’s actually over-extended his reach, so his balance is lost – to be followed by a fall in the next panel. The two remaining orbs should also be visible in the panel… (Was thinking this would be a good time to show the UFO again, as we haven’t seen it since Page 1... So in the far background we can have the seemingly speeding across the starry sky “alien” ship again...)

    MADA:
    Nooooo!

    SFX (growing feinter, so font to decrease in size from left to right):
    Whoommm…


    4. Show Mada as he falls from the branch, the two orbs floating on one side of the panel – not following him (yet)…

    SFX:
    Whoommm…


    5. And Mada lands in the lake we saw earlier! Big splash! I see this as a half-submerged panel, with a view (from the side) of Mada falling into the water, bubbles and waves all around him…

    SFX (above the water if possible):
    Splaash!


    6. Panel from behind Mada as he’s climbed halfway out the lake, and covered in red mud/iron rust, and the cave (actually a caved-in structure!) is right before him! To the one side of the panel is the fire and roasted fish from earlier – fire is still going – only minutes have passed since they were fishing… And of course the orbs are on their way – so leave some space on the far right for their SFX…

    SFX (Small font, to the far right side of the panel):
    Whoommm…
    Page 4 (8 panels)

    1. View from just outside the cave, the entrance on each side of the panel, darkness inside. Mada is visible in the darkness as he’s gone inside to find cover in the cave.

    SFX (Small font, to the far right side of the panel):
    Whoommm…


    2. This panel is from Mada’s POV – as his eyes grow accustomed to the dark so that we can see at the back of the cave… This is where Mada sees a human skeleton! And behind it, the rusted chassis of a robot! Locked in death’s embrace as the bot killed the human… Then he hears one or more of the orbs outside the cave!

    MADA (whisper font/bubble):
    !

    SFX (growing bigger from left to right):
    Whoommm…


    3. Small inset panel to the right of Panel 2, showing the Green orb!


    4. The Green orb is now inside the cave, and bathes it in red laser light as it scans the cave. Mada is not visible, as he has dived behind the rusted skeleton! I see this panel as Mada on the left, behind the machine/man (left and right respectively), which are in the middle of the panel. And then the orb would be on the right of the page, near the entrance.

    SFX (bigger font than previously, to show both that it is much closer, and that the cave amplifies the sound):
    WHOOOMMM…


    5. POV from behind Mada and the chassis/skeleton, as the Green orb leaves the cave – motion lines indicating it is moving. Mada is still hunched down behind the chassis/skeleton. The iron rich rocks and mud on him must have protected Mada from the Orb’s scanners? Or was it the human skeleton and bot chassis?

    SFX (growing smaller again):
    Whoommm…

    6. Mada has moved away from the skeleton, sitting against the cave wall… The chassis/skeleton is framed against the light coming in from the entrance of the cave. He has seen these before, and then it hits him - the combatants of the ancient battle have returned!

    MADA (caption – small font, asif whispering/unsure of himself):
    Yale said we were the last hew-mans…

    MADA (caption):
    And now the warbots have come back!


    7. Close-up on Mada as he cries in the cave, the tears making streaks in the mud and dirt on his face. He is still sitting next to the cave wall, huddled with his arms around his legs. He blames himself aloud for his stupidity. He should have listened to Yale. Now Yale is captured and Mada is alone.

    MADA (caption – normal font):
    Now Yale is gone…

    MADA (caption – normal font):
    And I’m alone…


    8. Mada is now standing - show the dawn light breaking on him (actually the ship’s lighting system) – as he readies himself - he will get Yale back or die trying. Cue mental Rocky movie montage music here - they are the last two of their kind on Earth - he will get him back! As he doesn’t want to grow old alone.

    MADA (caption - louder, as he’s getting more confident):
    I’ll get my friend back!

    MADA (caption - louder, as he’s getting more confident):
    EVEN IF IT MEANS DYING!
    Page 5 (7 panels)

    1. Morning light – view from just outside the cave so as to show Mada in the entrance of the cave, looking out carefully. So Mada is on the left of the panel, and the Purple orb is floating past on the right side of the panel – show motion/speedlines

    SFX (starting in middle of panel, growing bigger from left to right):
    whoommM…


    2. Change of scenery – now Mada is hiding behind a tree, still on the left side of the panel. Mada has his fishing spear in his hand & his pose suggest he is ready to attack! The light levels have increased even more, seems like late morning now. The Purple orb is hanging still in the air (no motion or speedlines) as it scans some gravestones. These gravestones could have some writing on them, but nothing too distinct. Perhaps show the Buddhist wheel symbol on some of them, and the Pagan/Wicca knotted rope symbol on the other…

    SFX (growing bigger from left to right):
    Whoommm…


    3. Same scene as previous panel, but now with Mada halfway towards the Purple orb on the right of the panel, and he’s speared it already with the fishing spear!

    SFX:
    Whoo--

    MADA (burst):
    Die!

    4. Extreme close-up on the orb with the spear stuck through it as it explodes!

    SFX:
    Wha-Hoom!


    5. The orb exploded such force that Mada is knocked backwards! He’s actually been flung against the tree he was hiding behind earlier! And there’s falling leaves and small branches all around him, falling to the ground! On the far right side of the panel we see the Green orb approaching, energy lasso extended already…

    MADA (burst):
    Ooof!


    6. And it lassoed Mada! Show him suspended in the air, back arched, almost as if he’s being shocked!

    SFX:
    Whoommm…

    MADA (burst):
    No!


    7. Small and/or narrow blacked-out inset panel to show Mada has lost consciousness…
    PG 6 -
    1. Wide shot of a sterile, white laboratory. There are various white slabs arranged around the room that are an advanced technology beyond our understanding. There is a horizontally floating slab and on top of it Mada lies, scrubbed clean and dressed in a form-fitting blue lycra-like suit. Several white orbs, the size of man’s fist, float around Mada.


    2. We are positioned over Mada as he wakes from his sleep with all the fright of a lost, scared boy.

    MADA
    YALEEEE!!!

    3. Mada leaps from the table, using his free hand to swat away the pestering white light orbs. We have swapped angles and can now see a large window in the wall. On the other side there is the endless black, vacuum of space. There is a small spaceship beyond the window as well. Though it does not share the design cues we saw in the original spaceship (page 1).

    MADA
    Yale?! Where are you?!
    (linked)
    We gotta go!

    4. We are stationed in front of Mada, he looks past us in horror at something entering the room.

    SFX
    WHOOOOSH

    MADA
    ….


    5. We’ve swapped angles, now seeing from Mada’s POV. A previously invisible doorway has opened in the wall and a creature enters. This lifeform is roughly five feet tall, slender and pale. Blue veins are visible beneath its skin. Its face is smooth and round, hairless with small black eyes and no visible ears or nose. We shall call this creature, EL.

    EL
    (unintelligible alien language/ jargon)

    6. We are stationed over El’s shoulder and looking down at Mada. Mada crouches in an alert, defensive posture.

    MADA
    Where am I?
    (linked)
    Where’s my friend?!

    7. Same framing as the previous panel only now Mada is leaping at El/ us fists first. This is an attack of primal rage and Mada’s face is contorted in a rage that says as much.

    MADA
    RARRHH!


    PG 7 -
    1. We’ve swapped to a side, profile medium shot. Mada is mid-air, impacting a previously invisible forcefield shield around El. This field is like an electric net and only visible where it is being touched.

    SFX
    SHHHHREAT

    MADA
    UGH!

    2. Mada is on the floor, cradling his arm. All the same, the white orbs have begun to swarm, checking for structural damage to Mada. Mada has turned his head toward another door frame that has appeared on the other side of the room.

    3. Yale emerges from the door, only this isn’t the Yale we saw before. His clothes are the same but they are clean and pressed. Yale’s hair is cut and combed and his skin seems healthier.

    MADA
    Yale?

    4. Mada has quickly crossed the room and thrown his arms around Yale in a massive bear hug. We can see Mada’s face, awash in joy. Yale holds his hands close to his chest and doesn’t even make eye contact with Mada.

    MADA
    Yale, are you okay?!

    5. Yale pushes Mada back. Mada looks shocked. As before Yale doesn’t seem to be making eye contact with Mada, almost as if some vital part of his brain has been removed. The part that elicits sympathy for a scared child.

    YALE
    This unit is not designated for human contact.

    MADA
    Yale?

    6. Tight on Mada’s face, his heart break palpable on his face. Tears begin to stream from his eyes.

    MADA
    …..
    (linked)
    What did they do to you?




    PG 8 –

    1. Yale walks toward the window, Mada follows cautiously behind him. Again he crouches as he goes. His whole life was spent with protective cover of jungle and now he is totally exposed. His body language expresses that.

    YALE
    This unit will attempt to explain your situation.
    (linked)
    You are no longer aboard your stasis ship.

    MADA
    Ship? What do you mean…

    2. Flashback panel - We are now out in the blackness of space and there is a whole fleet of spaceships, cleaner and new but essentially the same as the one Mada spied through the window. There are at least a hundred ships, some too far in the distance to even make out. It is an impressive convoy.

    CAPTION/ YALE
    Your ancestors took flight from a ruined home world by way of a fleet of stasis ships. However some of the ships strayed from the course and did not reach the wormhole.

    3. We are back on Mada’s “planet”. Dozens of humans, dressed for battle and equipped with laser guns, move through the forest. They do battle with various cyborg and human-like combatants. It was a robot uprising. Laser blasts criss-cross the page.

    CAPTION/ YALE
    Your ship specifically was infected with a virus targeting the ship’s artificial intelligence units.

    4. Our flashback has advanced a hundred years and now a very small pack of tribals (no more than 12) sit around a campfire. Unlike the humans we saw earlier this lot looks grungy in homespun clothing. They look like Mada.

    CAPTION/YALE
    After a long and bitter war the survivors focused on the basic necessities of life. In exchange for survival, histories were forgotten.

    5. We are back in the Med-Bay. Yale continues to gaze out the window. Mada stands close to Yale’s leg, less concerned with what lies beyond the window then he is with the dozens of lifeforms that have entered the room. All like El, they are an alien race as curious to look on Mada as he is terrified to look upon them.

    YALE
    Though it has only been a few generations for your people Mada, for those that went through the wormhole it has been quite a bit longer.

    MADA
    Who… What are they, Yale?

    6. We are looking from Mada’s POV, up at Yale. Yale looks down at us, for the first time we see his eyes. They are black and lifeless. His face is clean and glowing but devoid of sympathy or humanity.

    YALE
    They are you, Mada.
    (linked)
    They are the advanced human race, Homo Progien.





    PG 9 –
    1. We have a wide establishing shot of the bridge of this technologically advanced ship. Crew members, like El, work in unison, busy about the work of transversing oceans of space and time.

    CAPTION/YALE
    They have come a great distance to find you, Mada.
    (linked)
    And not a moment too soon, as tribal conflicts and disease have left you the last of your species.
    (linked)
    The last homosapien, living fossil and possessor of the pure human genome.

    2. Back in the med bay, Mada stands between Yale and the growing throng of Homo Progiens (HPs). Mada has again curled his fists into white balls of rage. He’s a brave one.

    MADA
    I want you to take me home. Me and Yale!
    (linked)
    I want to go back to the way things were!

    3. Mada has turned in horror to watch as Yale begins to pixelate. The pixels stream into a bracelet El holds in his hands. All the HPs around El look on in curiosity, for them this is dated, almost hokey technology.

    EL
    That is impossible Mada. You represent a wealth of potential discovery.
    (linked)
    To leave you on that ship to die would be illogical.

    4. Mada sinks to his knees, his hands cradling his face. The last of the pixels representing Yale are streaming away like smoke from a snuffed flame.

    MADA
    You killed him...

    EL
    We repaired your AI unit to his proper tutor role. However we have far more advanced educational tools.

    5. Tight on Mada, looking up in horror, tears streaming down his red cheeks.

    MADA
    A - I?

    6. From Mada’s POV we stare up at El. He drops the bracelet and looks down at with disinterest. Behind El the HPs have turned to leave.

    EL
    The unit designated, Yale is preserved in your bracelet. Its malfunction corrected.
    (linked)
    Given your initial reaction upon seeing us, we felt unit Yale was the best way of educating you on this matter.

    7. A wide shot of the Med-Bay. The HPs stream out of the room. Mada cradles the bracelet, mourning the loss of his only friend. El stands over him, unmoved.

    EL
    No need to express gratitudes. It is mutually beneficial that we have found you.





    PG 10 –
    1. We are in a different med-bay, some 20 years later. Mada, now a grown man, is strapped to a floating slab as white orbs of light dance around him. HPs move about the lab, noting test results and planning new tests to be performed. Mada’s face is a blank stare. He has grown a beard, a petty act of rebellion.

    CAPTION/ MADA
    Over the years I talked to Yale less and less. When they fixed him they took his humor and his heart.
    (linked)
    A much quicker version of what they’re slowly doing to me.

    2. We are wide on the “promenade” deck of the ship, kind of like the main lobby of a grand cruise ship. Only there are no stores, no evidence of fun to be had anywhere. Mada towers over the HPs that walk around him. The HPs show no sign of friendship or discussion. They are a cold people, committed only to science and little else.

    CAPTION/MADA
    The Homo Progiens are all the same. They spend their words on science and little else.

    CAPTION 2
    We may be distantly related, but I can never be like them.

    3. We are in Mada’s cramped dwelling. These rooms were designed for the much smaller HP race. Mada sits on the edge of his tiny bed, holding the bracelet in his hands, he looks down at it wistfully. A small blue orb floats above him.

    CAPTION/ MADA
    Days and nights blend into each other. All that keeps me going is the dreams of home.

    CAPTION 2
    It might have been a lie, but it was real to me.

    4. We are looking down on Mada from the blue orb, which is actually a recording device. Mada has curled into the fetal position on his bed, the only way to keep from sprawling off of the tiny mattress. If possible the edges of this panel should be curved to make it clear we are viewing this from the camera lens.

    EL (off panel)
    It was most fortuitous that we saved him from his savage existance.



    5. On the bridge of the ship El sits at a desk surrounded by dozens of small orbs, each transmitting a different camera stream from around the ship. An HP lieutenant stands behind El.

    LIEUTENANT
    Theirs was a strange species. Too emotional for the rigors of deep space travel.

    EL
    Unfortunately we can not make him as advanced as us.
    (linked)
    But I do believe we can cure his melancholy.

    6. We are back in time, in Mada’s dream, he sits beside the edge of still waters, the fishing rod in his hand whipped back, in the act of casting a lure. Mada smiles up at the old Yale, who sits beside him. Yale smiles back. Birds swoop through the sky. It is a perfect day, the stuff of dreams.

    CAPTION/ EL
    Tomorrow we will correct the errant electrical firings during his REM cycle.
    CAPTION 2
    I believe he calls them dreams.

    TEXT CAPTION
    THE END
    Last edited by Chris2.0; 02-28-2013 at 03:37 PM.

  9. #19

    Join Date
    Dec 2011
    Location
    Beijing, China
    Posts
    1,892
    Blog Entries
    1

    Out - Teamwood & tudore

    Inez Ahn 7, mother’s wavy hair, round face, chubby

    Adela Ahn 13, braided hair, bony, short for her age, father’s round nose

    Michael Ahn 38, Korean, a few extra pounds, inverted triangle body-type, glasses

    Graciela Ahn 41, trapezoid body-type, bottom heavy, scattered gray hairs

    Maria Josefa Nunez 72, Mexican, bronze skin, deep smile wrinkles, wide jaw, menopause mustache, large and kind eyes

    Bartolome Nunez 77, Mexican, fair skin, very tight posture, large hands, eyes always narrowed


    P1


    Pn1 San Diego, Barrio Logan: a house is still bedecked with Christmas lights. A pair of cars is parked in front. One is a well-traveled sedan, and the other a minivan with a luggage container on the roof rack. Bootleg fireworks explode in the night sky.
    SFX P-KSHhhhhh.

    Pn2 The family sits around a pine kitchen table, enjoying a home-cooked meal. Bartolome is at the head of the table, serving himself some pork. His son-in-law, Michael, sits on his left and is smirking, eyebrow arched.
    BARTOLOME Punks can’t be early for anything, unless it involves blowing something up.
    MICHAEL Hey, you see shameful mess with BYU and State?

    Pn3 Bartolome is shoveling pork from the serving dish onto his plate. The wall behind him is hung with family photos. Michael is shaking his head.
    BARTOLOME Disgraceful.
    MICHAEL Pathetic.
    BARTOLOME Maricones.

    Pn4 Maria Josefa, seated at the head opposite her husband, is leaning towards Adela. Her daughter, Graciela, sits beside Michael. Inez and Adela sit opposite their father and mother respectively.
    MARIA JOSEFA Abuela can tell when you got your mind on a boy.
    ADELA It’s not a boy. I’m just focused on school now.
    MARIA JOSEFA Uh-huh. You just be careful, though.

    Pn5 Maria Josefa grins broadly at Adela. Graciela has her forearm on the table, and is leaning toward her mother.
    MARIA JOSEFA Just don’t mess around with no Tyronne’s.
    GRACIELA Ma, young ears.

    Pn6 Adela is talking into the table, her hands flat on its surface, practically pushing through it. Her fingers are splayed wide.
    ADELA She’s not a boy…

    Pn7 All the adults at the table are staring at Adela. Inez has her fork in her mouth. We can see the walls of the kitchen are covered with framed family photos and a medium crucifix. There is a doorway behind Adela, slightly to her right.
    SFX P’Kooooom



    P2


    Pn1 Maria Josefa is glaring at her husband from across the table. His hands are up in a defensive position.
    MARIA JOSEFA How much did you let her have to drink?
    BARTOLOME I didn’t give her anything!
    MARIA JOSEFA Then why -

    Pn2 Adela is holding her breath with a white-knuckled grip on the table.
    MARIA JOSEFA is your granddaughter talking such nonsense if you didn’t give her nothing?

    Pn3 Graciela’s hand lies on top of Adela’s. She looks at her daughter with concern.
    GRACIELA Honey…?

    Pn4 Adela is only slightly more relaxed. She looks at her mother.
    ADELA I guess since last year, I… had this crush…

    Pn5 Michael’s arms are folded over his chest. He looks at his daughter over his glasses. Maria Josefa’s arm is raised, she’s pointing down at her granddaughter.
    MARIA JOSEFA This is what you get for taking her out to Hillcrest!
    MICHAEL This is not dinner conversation. We will discuss this when we get home.



    P3


    Pn1 Maria Josefa has thrown up her hands. Bartolome has leaned back, one arm slung over the back of the chair.
    MARIA JOSEFA What’s to discuss? Send her to Mother of Mercy, the nuns set her right, and that’s the end of it.

    Pn2 Maria Josefa vigorously points to a photo on the wall.
    GRACIELA Grandma loves you, sweetie. She just… she’s worked herself up.
    MARIA JOSEFA My granddaughter is worth getting worked up about! Y’know, Pepe was funny, but your brother sent him to a boot camp, straightened him out.

    Pn3 Bartolome smirks at Michael. Michael is cutting the air with his hand.
    MICHAEL Look, whether it’s Catholic school or something else, this is a parental discussion. Graciela and I will address this, but another night.
    BARTOLOME That’s your plan? Put the fox in the henhouse?

    Pn4 Adela looks at her father, aghast. Graciela is turned toward Michael. Michael has his hand, palm up, gesturing toward Adela.
    ADELA Those camps are death sentences!
    GRACIELA She’s fine at her school. Who she is, it’s fine.
    MICHAEL Come on, kids go through phases. They aren’t who they are for a long time.

    Pn5 Michael has both eyebrows raised as he looks down at his eldest daughter. Adela is holding her right arm with her left hand. Her shoulders are hunched.
    MICHAEL And really? Who was begging for Drake posters just last week?
    ADELA Dad. I like May. And not as a friend.



    P4


    Pn1 Michael sweeps his hand toward his mother-in-law. Adela presses her hands into her chest.
    MICHAEL Adela, we’ll talk later, but for now, apologize to your grandmother, and we’ll move on.
    ADELA You stand on my neck and ask me to apologize?

    Pn2 Adela’s fingers are curled, her hands are palms up. She’s leaning into the table. Michael has his hand raised at his eye level; he positions it like he’s about to literally cut off the conversation.
    MICHAEL Young lady, this is unacceptable.
    ADELA I’ve done- I do everything you ask, I’m entitled to not be treated like I’m defective.

    Pn3 Michael points at Adela with his middle and index fingers. His ring finger and pinky are folded into his palm, held in place by his thumb. Graciela faces Michael, one fist on her hip and the opposite one on the table.
    MICHAEL You are entitled to nothing. You accept what you are given, and show due respect.
    GRACIELA Don’t use that tone with her.

    Pn4 Maria Josefa has her left hand sweeping toward Adela, her right shaking at her daughter.
    MARIA JOSEFA Graciela Nunez, you let your eldest run wild like this? In front of your youngest?
    BARTOLOME She’s kissing girls, not dealing drugs. You act like she announced she’s turning tricks.
    SFX P’Ka

    Pn5 Maria Josefa is throwing her hand at her husband. Bartolome leans over the table, very relaxed, pointing his chin in Adela’s direction.
    MARIA JOSEFA This is any better? You let Satan take your granddaughter and do nothing?
    BARTOLOME Sweet pea, loving women is part of His plan. If it weren’t, I’d be in much more trouble than you.
    SFX ka-ka-ka-ka-ka



    P5


    Pn1 Michael reaches into his pocket
    MICHAEL This is not productive. Adela –

    Pn2 The car keys are on the table in front of Adela.
    MICHAEL go listen to the radio.
    SFX *THUD*

    Pn3 Graciela snaps her fingers over the table.
    ADELA I-
    MICHAEL Now!
    SFX *Snap*

    Pn4 She points at her daughter. Graciela’s eyes are like a hawk’s.
    GRACIELA Adela, you stay right where you are.

    Pn5 Her finger is pointing into the table; she holds her head forward to emphasize her point.
    GRACIELA No one needs to leave. We’ll finish eating, go out to watch the city fireworks, and that’s all.

    Pn6 Graciela puts her palm in her mother’s face, but does not look at her.
    MARIA JOSEFA You’re just going to ignore –
    GRACIELA Mom. Shut. Up.



    P6


    Pn1 Maria Josefa is crushed. Graciela is looking at the wall, away from her mother, with stony resolve.
    MARIA JOSEFA I can’t believe you would say that.
    GRACIELA You want us to leave, we can leave. You want us to stay, you’re going to show respect. WE want to stay.

    Pn2 Maria lifted an arm to her daughter in pleading gesture.
    MARIA JOSEFA Whenever you were desperate, on the edge, I was there to pull you up, and you still won’t trust me?

    Pn3 Graciela looks at her mother with soft eyes.
    GRACIELA You worked yourself bone tired, took care of five monsters, put yourself through things I can’t imagine for us, but that wasn’t perfect. Far from it. My daughter’s not going to go through that.

    Pn4 Bartolome has a hand up in a ‘slow down’ gesture.
    BARTOLOME Were you ever homeless? Hungry? You missed how many months of school to support this family? None?

    Pn5 Bartolome is pointing at his daughter.
    BARTOLOME You do what you need for your child, but you will not spit on your mother.
    GRACIELA I don’t hit my kids, don’t withhold affection, don’t tell them they’re going to hell for, if not this mistake, all the others.

    Pn6 Graciela waves her hands in a defensive gesture. Maria Josefa's head is tilted up. She's looking down at her daughter through narrowed eyes.
    GRACIELA I’m not saying I’m doing better, but I’m not going to repeat your mistakes.
    MARIA JOSEFA Taking you to church, that was a mistake, too, eh?
    SFX KR-Ka-ka-ka-ka-ka



    P7


    Pn1 Inez is on the verge of tears, very red faced.
    INEZ Stop being so mean!
    GRACIELA Nez, no one’s being mean. The grown-ups just want everyone to be ok.

    Pn2 Graciela waves at her daughter to calm down.
    INEZ Then why they picking on LaLa?
    GRACIELA No one’s picking on -

    Pn3 Inez is leaning forward into the table.
    INEZ She’s the only one who plays basketball with me, no one else cares, no one!
    MICHAEL Nez, we all care -

    Pn4 Adela rests her hand on Inez’s head.
    INEZ No, you don’t. You don’t
    ADELA It’s fine, Nez. It’s alright.

    Pn5 She’s pulled her sister into a side hug.
    ADELA It’s alright.

    Pn6 Inez wipes her eyes with the back of her hand.
    ADELA Why don’t we go watch SpongeBob in the den?



    P8


    Pn1 Michael is resentfully glaring at Graciela. The girls are in the doorway, leaving the room.
    GRACIELA How can you talk about taking her out of school?
    MICHAEL Either she cuts this out now, or it’ll be impossible to deal with when she’s older.

    Pn2 Graciela raised her hand to the ceiling in mock praise. Michael’s arms are crossed, looking at his wife incredulously.
    MICHAEL Do you check your text messages during Mass?
    GRACIELA If you got a problem with Adela, your holiness, own it. Don’t pretend this is about the Bible.

    Pn3 Michael looks at his wife with a knotted brow; he points at Adela’s seat with his whole arm.
    MICHAEL Pretend? Like this isn’t going to ruin her? You may have your PC friends – But our choices have consequences. I won’t let her make mistakes if I can help it.

    Pn4 Maria shrugs as she asks Bartolome a rhetorical question.
    MARIA JOSEFA [Spanish] How is it the Chinaman has his head on right and she doesn’t?
    MICHAEL [Spanish] I don’t speak well, but I hear ok. El Salvadoran -

    Pn5 Bartolome leans into the table aggressively.
    BARTOLOME [Spanish] Both of you are full of it. Either be for that girl, or break her trying to fix her.



    P9



    Pn1 Adela returns to the room.

    Pn2 She picks up her and her sister's plates from the table.

    Pn3 Maria eyes Adela with crossed arms.
    MARIA JOSEFA Where do you think you’re going with that?
    ADELA To the den.

    Pn4 Maria waves toward Inez’s seat.
    MARIA JOSEFA No, Inez can come in here and eat.
    ADELA She doesn’t feel comfortable in here.
    MARIA JOSEFA She doesn’t or you don’t?
    SFX Kra-KOOM

    Pn5 Michael waves dismissively toward his mother-in-law.
    MICHAEL Let her go, she needs to calm down.
    SFX P’Ka-

    Pn6 Bartolome’s hand lies by Inez’s place.
    BARTOLOME It’s not a problem. If you two want to come back in, you can.
    SFX KOOM



    P10


    Pn1 Maria Josefa is leaving the kitchen, walking toward the audience. Her face is tilted down, one hand over her eyes.
    GRACIELA Mom...
    SFX kra-Ka-KA

    Pn2 Michael’s eyebrows are raised as he addresses his daughter.
    MICHAEL Adela. Look.
    ADELA I don’t care.
    SFX P’KA-P’KA-P’KA

    Pn3 Adela wears an IDGAF expression as she shrugs. Her head is tilted toward her shoulder.
    ADELA Grandma wants to be that way, fine. You can go - and whatever. You can come to me if you want me.
    MICHAEL Don’t be so dramatic, blow things up again.
    SFX P’KA-P’KA-P’KA-P’Ka

    Pn4 She wears a grimace as she glares at her father. Her neck is stretched out toward him.
    ADELA I’m not the one who blew it up.
    GRACIELA Michael, we can look up PFLAG or something when we get home.
    SFX P’KA-P’KA-P’KA-P’KA

    Pn5 Graciela looks at her husband with an expression only slightly less harsh than her daughter's.
    MICHAEL We are not putting up with this.
    GRACIELA I am. YOU want to do something different -
    SFX Kshhhh
    SFX [Car alarms: oooOO oooOO E E E]

    Pn6 She passes a serving dish to Adela.
    GRACIELA That’s another discussion.
    SFX [Car alarms: E HONK E HONK E HONK E]
    Scripts & Story Fragments

    Sketchbook

    PUMMEL [M] 11 wins | 23 losses | 7 knockouts

  10. #20
    Member
    Join Date
    Sep 2012
    Location
    Santa Cruz, CA
    Posts
    152
    Hey, so Zep and I don't have an entry. Sorry. My fault, mainly. We just never set up good consistent communication (I think the extended deadline took away the sense of urgency), and I dropped the ball on forwarding him my script this last week, sorry.

    But I plan on reading through the other entries and offering up some crits if peeps be needin 'em.
    Pummel
    Lightweight W [1] L [3] KO [1]

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