View Poll Results: Which story was your favorite ? Remember, don't vote for yourself

6. You may not vote on this poll
  • "Lucky Laundry" by BetaRaySam

    0 0%

    3 50.00%
  • "Laundromat" by Zepster

    0 0%
  • "Welcome to the Laundromat..." by Chris 2.0

    2 33.33%
  • "Delicate wash" by MikeV

    1 16.67%
  • "Early" by Tudore

    0 0%
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Thread: Writing Contest 82: Laundromat !

  1. #11
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    Great scripts so far!

    My entry is finally taking shape - out of 21 ideas I had 8 do-able stories and finally had to choose between the final 2... Then expanded the chosen story and broke it up into 5 pages.

    Just going to let it percolate for a day or 2, then do thumbnails & then script it...
    Last edited by Chris2.0; 11-12-2012 at 06:19 AM.

  2. #12
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    Just a reminder the deadline for this contest is tomorrow. There are only two entries at the moment.

  3. #13
    Member Zepster's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by BetaRaySam View Post
    Just a reminder the deadline for this contest is tomorrow. There are only two entries at the moment.
    As soon as I can think of a decent reason for washing machines to eat people I'll be sorted. Been uber busy lately, so might not quite make it in time....

  4. #14
    Quote Originally Posted by Zepster View Post
    As soon as I can think of a decent reason for washing machines to eat people I'll be sorted. Been uber busy lately, so might not quite make it in time....
    I was seriously considering doing superhero doing his laundry before settling on something more serious. You're more than welcome to that idea

  5. #15
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    Almost done with mine...

    @Shaun - I also ditched my superhero does laundry idea - was (ultra)boy meets girl at a laundro, and then it turns out she had a secret...

    @Zepster - man-eating laundromats - shades of Christine, just with more suds?

    In any case - will post mine after a round with the red pen...

  6. #16
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    Page 1

    Panel 1

    A city street late at night, it’s raining. we’ve a few pedestrians ( maybe a prostitute or two to help indicate the hour ). Most shops are shut, except for one. The “Suds and Duds” Laundromat. It is a run-down grubby affair nestled between a gun shop and a pawn shop. Light streams out into the street and we can see a lone customer reading a newspaper as he waits for his laundry to finish.

    Caption: Bricktown.

    Panel 2

    We’ve moved our POV now, we’re halfway across the street looking directly in at the Laundromat.

    We have a sodden and bored prostitute chatting to a John in a car parked outside, but not obscuring our view of.. (Important note: We might not see them here but the prostitute has handcuffs dangling from her belt.)...Behind them, our lone customer can now be seen bent over in front of one of the machines, door open, arm inside it.

    Caption: One of those towns that somehow achieved city status while bypassing anything resembling a boom and moving straight to urban decay.

    John: Hey baby whacha doing?

    Prostitute: It’s too wet to dance honey. Make yer pitch already.

    Panel 3

    We’re looking at the hooker and the John now. He is leaning out of his car window. She looks incredulous ( haggling ) . He is a middle aged/overweight workaholic banker type. Important note: He is facing the Laundromat – It is behind her. She is cuter and fitter than we might expect.

    Caption: Ordinarily this seedy urban lowlife melodrama flies below my radar.

    John: Fifty bucks enough?

    Prostitute: Sure for a back rub. Whadda really want?

    Panel 4

    Ok – We’ve horrific stuff happening in the Laundromat behind them out of view.
    The John can see it though and is looking past the prostitute with a look of absolute horror on his face. She is reaching for her handcuffs.

    Caption: Not anymore.

    John(burst): F*k me!

    Prostitute: That’s good enough. You’re busted buddy.

    Panel 5

    The prostitute is an undercover cop and has pulled the man from the car, has him pushed up against the car and is cuffing him. He is protesting loudly and trying to get her to see what is going on in the Laundromat.

    John: The Laundromat. In the Laundromat!!!

    “Prostitute”: Jeeze bit slow on the uptake ain’t cha. This isn’t S&M honey this is a bust.

    John(burst): Look in the f*ing Laundromat!

    Panel 6

    We’re inside the Laundromat looking out.

    All the machines are humming away nicely – but on the floor in front of the machine our lone customer was using earlier – we have some keys and a wallet on the ground. I’d probably stick the newspaper in sheets on the floor also. If you can fit it in make the newspaper the X-Times, with a headline of Evil Hampster ate my alien. There is a spreading pool of dark “liquid” coming from the front of the machine that our now missing customer was using.

    Outside the window we have the prostitute cop looking in, mystified about what the fuss is. The John still looks horrified.

    Caption: After today it jumped right to the top of my list.

    Page 2

    Panel 1

    We’re focusing on Jimmy Wu. An American/Asian investigative reporter for the X-Times, last seen here ( I promise I will sort this link out when its not bedtime and I'm not jetlagged to hell - Zepster ). Jimmy is an ex-special forces combat vet turned Fringe reporter. He is below average height, quite slim but well-built and generally dresses like Philip Marlow. Important note: He never takes his hat off.

    Jimmy is entering through the door of a very busy ( Hill St Blues / Predator 2 ) police station and having that assessing the chaos moment expression on his face. We can’t see the station just yet.

    Caption: My name is Jimmy Wu and I’m an investigative reporter for the X-Times.

    Panel 2

    Now we’ve pulled our POV back to see Jimmy wading through the apparent chaos trying to make his way to the Desk Sargent’s desk. We also have a very large/burly transvestite prostitute making the same journey, he is big enough to be looking something akin to Godzilla coming out of Tokyo harbour as he wades through the press of people.

    Caption: As you might expect we cover Fringe. Anything weird or impossible. Aliens, Bigfoot and government conspiracies. Sewer mutants are this month’s speciality.

    Panel 3

    Jimmy has reached the sergeants desk. However in an obscure version of survival of the fittest, so has the very large transgender type – decked out in full hooker mode, with facial hair. Transgender dude TOWERS over Jimmy and is attempting to push him out of the way. The desk sergeant is watching the upcoming conflict in amusement. Jimmy/Transgender dude are sizing each other up as the pushing begins.

    Caption: The reason I cover it in the field is that you literally could not make this shit up.

    Sergeant(burst): Next!

    Panel 4

    Jimmy is standing relaxed facing the sergeant. In one hand he is holding up a, fake, FBI ID. In the other he has Transgender dude in a finger lock that has transgender dude kneeling and begging for mercy.

    Caption: My editor, Bob, has been in the business long enough to deserve a front page of his own. He has seen it all but gives curious advice.

    Jimmy: Agent Felix Ho. Looking for Hicks in Vice.

    Transgender dude: Aggh dude. Don’t be setting the man on Hicks! Ahhhck.

    Jimmy/Sergeant(burst): Shut up!

    Panel 5

    Jimmy making his way past the desk sergeant. The sergeant pointing him on his way but looking at transgender dude and laughing.

    Caption: “The truth IS out there Jimmy” he says “but stay the heck away from it. Just get me the story eh. It’s much safer”.

    Jimmy: Thanks

    Sergeant: No problem.

    Sergeant: Now sweetheart how can I help?

    Transgender dude (small): I wanna report an assault.

    Page 3

    Panel 1

    We’ve our “prostitute”, officer Hicks from Vice, sitting at her desk writing up a bored looking perp. The perp is a skinny looking dude of mixed race that is wearing a business suit. Hicks is dressed provocatively and has her badge prominently hanging around her neck.

    Hicks: Ok, just so I’m clear here. You thought I was a nice girl and you wanted to impress me by opening your wallet in front of me.

    Perp: Exactly so.

    Hicks: and the money just fell out.

    Perp: Yep.

    Hicks: Which just happened to be the exact same amount I told you the blowjob would cost.

    Perp: Got it in one.

    Panel 2

    Hicks has her face buried in her hand. The perp is looking smug. Jimmy is now standing next to the perp.

    Hicks(small): Someone take me out of here.

    Jimmy: No problem. How about we go to the Suds and Duds and investigate a missing person.

    Panel 3

    Hicks is giving Jimmy a WTF look. Jimmy fiddling with a pocket watch while holding up his badge.

    Hicks: And you are?

    Jimmy: Agent Ho. FBI.

    Perp: Agent Ho? Well ye came to the right place brother.

    Hicks: Busy.

    Panel 4

    We see the perp mesmerised by Jimmy’s watch, almost drooling.

    Jimmy (oos): Maybe I can help with that.

    Jimmy(oos): Confess.

    Perp(woozy): cooonnnfesssss

    Panel 5

    Hicks bemused and confused. Jimmy doing a pretty good impression of a smug FBI agent.
    They're leaving the station together.

    Hicks: Shit. How did you do that? He’s confessing to everything he’s done since grade school.

    Jimmy: Being FBI is more than just a badge officer.

    Page 4

    Panel 1

    Jimmy and Hicks are standing in the doorway of the Suds and Duds. Jimmy looking like the sheriff from high noon. Hicks amused. The patrons are going about their business.

    Jimmy: FBI is following your instincts.

    Hicks: Honey I been following my instincts since you flashed me your bullshit badge but your time has just run out.

    Panel 2

    Jimmy is utterly unphased by this and has pulled an odd looking McGuffin out of his pocket and is inspecting it closely. Hicks bemused as she draws her gun and cuffs.

    Jimmy: You busted a perp outside this place the same night one Horace Bellows disappeared.

    Hicks: That perp? Herbie Junger. Oh yeah a real prize. He’s been sent to the shrink in St James’.

    Jimmy: Bellows last known location was this Laundromat.

    SFX(from device): Peep

    Panel 3

    Jimmy looking very alarmed but not at Hicks. Hicks turned to see what’s freaking Jimmy out.

    Jimmy: I think Mr Junger may be due a release.

    Hicks: Say what? Oh!

    Panel 4

    Jimmy and Hicks are being confronted by a monstrous washing machine, backed up by the patrons of the Laundromat, whom are now staring at them with that Cultist style dead expression normally reserved for human sacrifices. I’d say go wild here, but after asking you to draw an ancient Sumerian demon masquerading as a Laundromat washing machine it seems a little redundant.
    Just for the record tho - the cultists are dressed and look like normal people ( apart from their stare )

    Hicks: WTF?

    Jimmy: Unless I miss my guess we’re being threatened by an ancient Sumerian demon and its worshippers.

    Washing Machine(scary): Laurel.

    Panel 5

    Close in on the evil washing machine’s demonic visage..

    Washing Machine(scary): Shut the door.

    Panel 6

    The outside of the Suds and Duds, it’s door. We can just see a delicate female hand turning the sign to say “Sorry we’re closed for lunch”.

    Page 5

    Panel 1

    The washing machine is monologing and ignoring Hick’s gun – which is being held quite shakily. Hicks is turned to Jimmy, whom is fiddling with the McGuffin and pointing a finger at a prominent button on it. The cultists are closing in.

    Washing Machine(scary): Your souls will taste far sweeter than the lonely ones I normally consume.

    Hicks: Ho tell me that you’re doing something cause I don’t think this thing is gonna mind a few extra leaks.

    Jimmy: Of course. This is a quantum inference device designed to interrupt the flow of inter-dimensional energy being used to animate the demon. All I have to do is hit this button.

    Panel 2

    Jimmy slipping. The device going into the air. Hicks watching it in horror. The cultists lunging for the device.

    Jimmy: Oh no!

    Washing Machine(burst): Seize the device!

    Cultists(various): Obey the master / Get it / Grab it

    Panel 3

    A huge melee of cultists and Hicks battling for the device, the cultists battling each other as much as Hicks. Behind them the demonic washing machine is looming as it shouts encouragement. There is no sign of Jimmy.

    Evil demonic washing machine(burst): The Deeeevice!!!!

    Hicks: God Damn it!!!!

    Cultists(various): Mine! / Your will Master / Get out of the way!

    Panel 4

    One of the cultists holding the device aloft, triumphant.

    Cultist: Master I’ve got it!

    Panel 5

    All turned in shock to see that the washing machine is now inert and normal. It is no longer animated or evil but maybe has a spreading pool of suds in front of it.

    Caption: Sometimes you find the truth.

    Cultist(s): Master?

    Hicks: You're shitting me!

    Panel 6

    Jimmy standing next to the wall, calm and holding the washing machine’s power cord ( he has just pulled it from the wall ). In his other hand is a gun which he is pointing to where we think the cultists are.

    Jimmy: Officer Hicks. My work here is done.

    Jimmy: I’ll leave you to mop up.

    Caption: Which generally sucks because no one will believe this shit.
    Last edited by Zepster; 11-19-2012 at 06:28 PM. Reason: formatting and minor tweaks

  7. #17
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    Need sleep but just noticed that everyone other than Chris went for a demonic laundromat theme... Clearly we all went to the same college
    Last edited by Zepster; 11-19-2012 at 06:29 PM.

  8. #18
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    Another excellent Laundromat horror!

  9. #19
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    And here's mine...

    Originally this was going to be a story about a pleasurebot laundromat, where one 'xbot has to be repaired after yet another violent "date". Something sparks a flicker of AI in "her", leading up to an uprising in the laundromat, and then a robot revolution and finally genocide of the human race... But was thinking the forum's rules might not allow the flashbacks to the last few encounters of this pleasurebot...

    So here's "Welcome to the Laundromat..."

    In a war against a genocidal alien insect race for humanity’s survival – the Master Trooper program has emerged as our last and only hope. These brave men and woman are augmented and wear battle-proven armour to fight and survive against the aliens. They are the best of the best and seem to survive against all odds – they keep on fighting in this decades-long war without end.
    It’s the 1st day on the job for a new soldier/technician working on the program. And she goes from a proud-to-serve soldier to a jaded pencil pusher over the 5 pages…
    And page breakdowns:

    Page1: We meet the recruit & “Sir Yes sir!” The armour comes in from the field - wheeled from autopsy room. She throws up. “Welcome to the Laundromat… You have to clean that up of course”

    Page2: Here they clean it and then refurb/recondition. Flush out the blood, bone and brains…

    Page3: Now to dive into the 3D recordings of the suit’s built-in 360 degr cams/mics/sensors. Timeline of flashbacks to battles – Contact! Raining Death! Too many! 1st blood! Chest wound! Bug-lobotomy!

    Page4: Then this technician edits the 3D recordings - laundering his memories as well! He creates a restore point, and makes the other scenes as part of a simulation. “But why go to all this trouble?”

    Page5: And we why – the new recipient is same as last recipient – a clone! And then he suits up & goes “Sir Yes sir!! And runs out again, cleaned up and ready for battle…
    Some Character descriptions:

    1. Master Troopers (MT) – armour is a mix of Halo’s Chief and a Starship Trooper.

    2. Master Trooper # 343 - is a 20something Latino Male, muscled, crew cut. Let’s call him Sergeant 343…

    3. Young MichL Martins – 5-7 yr old young girl with big glasses and even bigger ‘fro.

    4. 2nd Lt MichL Martins – 19 – new recruit, 1st day on job – wearing std Mil uniform. Wants to work in the MT program & serve her country/bloc

    5. Lt Larson – WM - obese, in charge of the clean-up detail and refurb.

    6. Capt Troi – Head tech, Asian [strike]Oriental[/strike] Male, does the memory “laundering”

    7. Bugs – various Starship Troopers/Halo amalgams… But these are pretty savage bugs – and they even have Halo-derived weapons…
    a) Grunts – short stocky bugs with needler weapons
    b) Elites – with energy sword/leg
    c) No Drones/Buggers or Jackels…
    Page 1:
    (6 panels)

    Panel 1

    Establishing shot of a living room, mostly dominated by a widescreen TV panel near the wall, and then a kid lying/sitting on the carpet watching it. This is young MichL Martins (wearing PJ’s) & she’s pretty much glued to the screen, eyes wide & smiling… Why? The TV is showing a real 3D image of a Master Trooper – as patriotic-y as you can make – rifle slung over his back & doing a salute towards the screen with the Earth Union flag in the background… Below this image the name “The Master Trooper Program” is shown on the TV, as a super-imposed image over the advert. Heck throw in a Superman-like eagle on his forearm if you think it will work. Or an eagle-inspired drone?

    (The Earth Union flag – I see it as a take on the US flag, but with 8 red & white bands with all the continents in white on blue background.)

    Speech (Burst) TV: The Master Trooper program wants you!

    Speech (MichL Martins): I wanna be a Master Trooper!

    Panel 2

    Change of POV, now from partially behind the TV image, showing that it is in reality semi-translucent as well, and with MichL to the right of the panel. (As I want to show her face as a kid, and then later show her grown up). She’s got a smile and determined look on her face. The pic shown on the TV has now changed to 2 or 3 MT’s shown on the left side of the screen, with various bugs with weapons (rifles, needlers & that energy bladed weapon) on the right… They’re on a desert planet which is visible on the background. (No text on the TV screen, as from this view the text will be mirrored, when viewed from the back…)

    Speech (Burst) TV: To protect the Earth and colonies from annihilation by the evil Xanthos bugs!

    Speech (MichL Martins): Yes I will!

    Panel 3

    We’ve moved forward a few years & MichL has grown up. (To give the reader a visual clue it is still her, we’ve kept the hairstyle or glasses or whatever identifying mark chosen… More or less in same pose as well…)

    She is wearing a jacket over a T-shirt & standing in front of a building – with a prominent sign behind her – Planetary Union Engineering Corps. Also known as the Master Trooper support program… Also visible would be an “Enrollment” banner somewhere in the background. If space allows one can even go as far to have the banner signify: “Master Trooper support program Enrollment”?

    She has a see-through tablet PC in her hands, glowing… And a quizzical / surprised look on her face – relating to the question she is asking the enrolling dept…

    Also somewhere in the panel is the Planetary Union flag – and it is based on the previous Earth Union flag – I still see it as a take on the US flag, but with 8 red & white bands with 8 planets in constellation around sun, all in white on blue background. But pretty simple, almost like Dr Manhattan’s logo, but with the planets in an elliptical orbit around the Sun of course.

    Speech (MichL Martins): I have to study anatomy, psych and holographic editing?

    Panel 4

    Again we’re going to jump a quite few months (to a couple of years tops) into the future. But now we see 2nd LT MichL Martins, wearing a grey/white/black digital urban camo military uniform & beret. She is doing a standard salute, right hand up to the side of her right eye at an angle. She has a pretty serious look on her face as well, mouth open as she spouts her line. On her uniform there’s a stencilled name of course – MARTINS

    She is inside a pretty big building - a hanger. But the space inside has been divided into sections – we’ll see more on this later…

    In the background is a sign “Autopsy room” & we see a pretty obese soldier wheeling in a suit of armour from there – it’s just come in from the field – and straight from the autopsy room. It’s on a wheeled cart, but instead of the armour resting on a slab - it is being held aloft by curved brackets attached to the wheeled base. The armour is being pushed boots first, with the obese soldier pushing from behind, with the open visor nearest to him.

    Caption - Planetary Union Engineering Corps facility on the moon of Xanthos

    Speech (MichL Martins): 2nd LT MichL Martins reporting for duty!

    Panel 5

    MichL is on the left of the panel. Next to her we see the armour in more detail – boots still nearest to MichL, open helmet furthest away. The armour is pretty banged up, with holes, scratches, bite marks and even whole pieces missing. The armour opens up in the front, so all parts are lifted up and open. We see a number on the armour, but it is mostly obscured. Later on we’ll see it is “343”. Even the helmet with banged-up & cracked visor is in the open position. And here comes the fun stuff… The inside of the armour is covered with blood, and in the visor part, even pieces of brains as well. On the right side of the panel is a new character - Capt Troi. We see his surname (TROI) stencilled on his uniform as well.

    I see the panel with MichL on the left, either showing only a profile of her upper body or face, with her hand close to her mouth... And her speech bubble on the bottom of the panel, in the middle or right…

    Speech (Capt Troi): At ease! Get this over to Cleaning and Refurb, on the double!

    Speech (MichL Martins): Sir! Yes... gulp…

    Panel 6

    MichL is bent down and projectile vomits on the floor… She is still on the left of the panel, bent-over, with the obese soldier (Lt Larson) near the right side of the panel, with the vomiting given centre stage. The wheeled armour carrier is moving off-panel – just the cracked visor/helmet still visible… So yeah, Lt Larson must’ve swung it around, as the previous panel had the armour’s boots on the left…

    We see the obese soldier’s surname (LARSON) stencilled on his oversized & overstretched uniform as well.

    SFX: BLachhh!

    Speech (Lt Larson)[Left side of character]: Welcome to the Laundromat…

    Speech (Lt Larson) [Right side of character]: You have to clean that up, of course.
    Page 2:

    (6 panels)

    I see this as a full page panel to really zoom in and show the suit with all damage from battle. To fit my story’s sequence of events, I’ve had to put the armour with helmet to the bottom of the page, and boots at the top of the page. Show armour opened and in process of being fixed/repaired…
    And then I want to use insert/cut-out panels to show the various actions happening, as well as passage of time. And we progress from the top left from a dirty, bloody, damaged armour to ending on bottom right with seemingly brand-new, clean armour.

    Panel 1 – Top left

    This panel covers the left boot/leg up to the knee. Visible in the panel are MichL on the left and Lt Larson on the right, next to the armour’s left boot. MichL is wiping her mouth with the back of her hand.He has an air filter mask on already, and what looks like a spraygun in one hand. He is passing the spraygun towards MichL. On the wall behind them I’d like to see a “Cleaning and Refurb” sign. The armour is still VERY dirty, bloody, etc, etc…

    Speech (2nd LT MichL Martins): I’m OK…

    Speech (Lt Larson): Put on your air filter…
    Linked Speech (Lt Larson): And here’s the solvent…

    Panel 2 – Top Right

    This panel covers the right boot/leg up to the knee. In this panel it’s only MichL, now with her air filter mask on, and spraying the solvent into the open armour. Red coloured solvent is dripping from the armour as she is cleaning it. The armour itself is getting cleaner on the highest parts, while the rest is still wet/bloody.

    Off-panel Speech (Lt Larson): Flush out the helmet as well…

    Panel 3 – Middle left

    This panel covers the left side of the armour from knee up till shoulder/chest/arm. In this panel it’s still only MichL, now with her air filter mask off, and spraygun hanging by her side. The armour itself is clean, but still damaged.

    Speech (2nd LT MichL Martins): Clean…

    Panel 4 – Middle Right

    This panel covers the right side of the armour from knee up till shoulder/chest/arm. In this panel it’s only Larson, standing to the right of the armour. His air filter mask is also off, hanging around his neck. He’s holding a see-through tablet PC, similar to the one MichL was using on Page 1 Panel 3.

    The armour has some pieces missing now – as the damaged sections have been removed & to be replaced next panel.

    Speech (Lt Larson): OK, here goes…
    Linked Speech (Lt Larson): Hammer Mark 9 Armour DamRep

    Panel 5 – Bottom Left

    This panel covers the left shoulder/neck and helmet. The armour’s missing pieces have been replaced, so most of the armour is now shiny and new, except for the left side of the visor – that is still cracked… In this panel it’s still Larson, standing to the left of the armour, still having his tablet in his hands. (If possible I’d like to see a face on the tablet – of a Latino male, the wearer of the MT # 343 armour, as we’re going to reveal that he’s not exactly dead later…)

    Speech (Lt Larson): Boot soles still can’t stand the heat of Xanthos
    Linked Speech (Lt Larson): Corrosive sand still attacks all joints
    Linked Speech (Lt Larson): Chest armour failed
    Linked Speech (Lt Larson): Helmet failed

    Panel 6 – Bottom Right

    This panel covers the right shoulder/neck and helmet. All parts (including visor) are now replaced & the armour looks brand new - shiny even… The obscured number on the armour from earlier is revealed to be “343”… Also in this panel (if possible) have both Lt Larson and MichL, with MichL touching the armour, and Larson on the right.

    Speech (2nd LT MichL Martins): Wow…

    Speech (Lt Larson): Now let’s see what caused all that damage…
    Page 3:

    6 panels)

    Panel 1 – Big panel on top of page

    We’re in a different room, with Lt Larson on the left and MichL next to him. MichL is a bit more relaxed than previously, so no folded arms… Then there’s a pretty huge 80” – 100” screen (think Minority Report) and then on the right of the panel is Capt Troi. On the screen we have an image of the desert planet Xanthos – pretty much the same as the background on Page 1 Panel 2… But here in the foreground there are a few Master Troopers – about 5 or 6. A mix of male and female, with light to heavy weapons. If possible show one holding a Starship Troopers handheld nuke weapon. In the background there’s a small hill, with a few dozen bugs at the foot of the hill… Our Master Trooper is in the extreme foreground, shown FPS game-style – with just his one arm and gun visible.

    Speech (Capt Troi): We could only restore 95% of the Holographic records…
    Linked Speech (Capt Troi): This was Master Trooper # 343 – deployed for 3 weeks…

    Panel 2 –

    Now we’ve zoomed into the screen, showing just the holographic recording. The Master Troopers are shooting at the bugs – raining death down upon them!

    Offpanel Speech (Capt Troi): Here we have Contact…

    Panel 3 –

    More or less same POV, showing most of the bugs cut down and dead… But many, many more bugs are clambering over the hill, coming out of hiding! The other bugs were just a diversion!

    Offpanel Speech (Capt Troi): It’s an ambush…

    Panel 4 –

    Again the same POV, but the bugs have reached the Master Troopers! Who are still firing as fast as they can! And even impaled the one closest to them on their long, sharp legs!

    Offpanel Speech (Capt Troi): First casuality…

    Panel 5 –

    Continuing with the POV… Most of the Master Troopers have fallen! Or better put – impaled, half-chewed or acid-vomit-ized! Only MT#343 is left, still firing away…

    Offpanel Speech (Capt Troi): They just don’t stop, do they?

    Panel 6 – Big panel on bottom of page

    We’ve zoomed out again, and see about the same POV as in Panel 1 (this page). From left to right it is Martins, Larson and on other side of the screen - Troi. MichL is holding her hand to her mouth from the shock of what she just saw… On the screen we have an image of the bug right on top of MT#343 & blocking out most of the sun…

    Speech (2nd LT MichL Martins): And all his time I thought they were invincible…

    Speech (Lt Larson): Awhhh… Just don’t puke again…

    Speech (Capt Troi): That’s the last of the recording…
    Linked Speech (Capt Troi): Now it’s time again to Clean & Refurb…
    Page 4:
    (5 panels)

    Panel 1 –

    This panel is a reverse POV of the last one – so we see Troi on the left of the screen, looking at him through the screen. Larson and Martins are on the right. The screen has now changed and we see a timeline on it – the 5/6 panels from the previous page, smaller and in a sequence from Panel 1 on the right of the screen, to Panel 6 on the left of the screen.

    Speech (2nd LT MichL Martins): What are you doing?

    Speech (Capt Troi): We sanitize the records, keeping it nice and clean…

    Panel 2 –

    Zoom in on Troi as he brings his arm down to make a “cut” motion & we see the “death” scene panel with the bug on top of MT # 343 goes downwards on the screen, being cut out.

    Speech (Capt Troi): Cut

    Panel 3 –

    Continuing the POV, show Troi again as he brings his 2 hands together to make a “save” motion on the other side of the screen.

    Speech (Capt Troi): Creating restore point…
    Linked Speech (Capt Troi): Let’s call this one - “Forward unto Dusk”

    Panel 4 –

    Shift the focus to MichL, she is looking at Troi, with an angry expression on her face, hands on her hips. We don’t need to see the screen in this panel as we’re not looking through it anymore. Larson can be behind MichL, and (if possible) Troi can be in the foreground, half out of the panel on the right hand side.

    Speech (2nd LT MichL Martins): But why go to all this trouble?

    Panel 5 –

    And focus is now on Larson, as he points off-panel with his thumb, to the right. Troi is still partially visible as well. We don’t see (yet) what he is pointing to, but it is a clone birthing chamber.

    Speech (Lt Larson): The last replacement part is here…

    Speech (Capt Troi): Crack it open…

    Page 5:

    (5 panels)

    Panel 1 – A tall panel – about half the page tall & a third to half of the page wide.

    We look into the now-open birthing chamber, and see the new recruit, and it’s the same soldier as on Larson’s tablet PC on Page 2 Panel 5! The panel should have a line right down the middle of it, and on the left side his eye should still be closed. And on the right side his eye should be open, to show that he’s awaken now.

    Following speech in left half of panel:

    Speech (2nd LT MichL Martins): It’s… it’s a clone?

    Speech (Lt Larson): Yup… Takes about 18 months to grow…

    Speech (Capt Troi): Uploading restore point…

    Following speech in right half of panel:

    Speech (Lt Larson): All vitals check out…

    Speech (Capt Troi): OK.

    Linked Speech (Capt Troi): Rise and shine Trooper, you’ve arrived on Xanthos!

    Panel 2 –

    We have a side view of the birthing chamber, almost off-panel to the left. The chamber is a reclined (leaning back) cylinder, and Sergeant 343 has now climbed out, standing by the foot of the chamber, in the middle of the page. He’s just wearing army-issue briefs, and his body is still dripping wet from the amno-fluid from the chamber. And he’s saluting Capt Troi, who’s on the right side of the panel.

    Speech (Sgt 343): Sir! Yes sir!

    Speech (Capt Troi): Are you ready to kill some religious bugs, Sergeant?

    Linked Speech (Capt Troi): SUIT UP!

    Panel 3 –

    Chest-up view of Sargant 343, his body and face towards us, in full armour. He’s holding his helmet in his hands, above his head, ready to put it on… Got a determined look on his face too…

    Speech (Sgt 343): Sir! Yes sir!

    Panel 4 –

    Side view of MichL on the left, and MT # 343, helmet on, in the middle of the panel. He’s shown running towards a door, ready for battle… Between him and the door there are some rifles and weapons – like those seen previously in battle footage. Door has a sign over it that – Ready Room 343.

    Panel 5 –

    Other side of the door now, and we see MT # 343 running out, towards us. He’s also fully armed now! Door 343 is in the middle of the page, with 2 doors on either side – 342 and 344. And out of each door another MT is also running – armed and ready as well!

    Speech (Sgt 343): Hoo-yah!

    Last edited by Chris2.0; 12-02-2012 at 01:27 AM.

  10. #20

    Delicate wash


    PAGE 1

    Panel 1. Inside of an average, modern laundromat, focused on 3 front-loading washing machines, placed next to each other. We’ll call them HUEY, DEWEY and LOUIE.

    HUEY: I hope my next customer uses a bit more fabric softener.

    DEWEY: You’re worried about fabric softener? You know what I’m worried about?

    Panel 2. Still on Huey, Dewey and Louie, only now a BUTCHER (or potentially a crazed killer) wearing a blood-stained apron and holding a blood-stained knife, is standing in front the washing machines. A load is running inside Dewey and the water is tinted red from the blood-soaked clothes inside. Beside the Butcher is another sack of blood-stained clothes waiting to be washed.

    DEWEY: I’m worried about what kind of sickening filth these disgusting creatures will shove inside of me today. Congealed blood and guts maybe?

    Panel 3. Same scene only the Butcher has been replaced by an ATHLETE, in American football gear, loading socks and jockstraps into Dewey from a sports bag (with stink lines wafting out of it).

    DEWEY: Aren’t these people ashamed of their noxious sweat and body fungus?

    Panel 4. Same scene, only now its a MOTHER feeding laundry into Dewey, this time she’s flinging soiled nappies into Dewey’s front loader. She can also have a BABY strapped around her.

    DEWEY: Poop? Sweet mother of mercy! Why don’t they have the common decency to simply burn the vile byproducts of their existence, instead of feeding it to me day after day after day.

    Panel 5. Back to just Huey, Dewey and Louie, just the washing machines.

    DEWEY: I wish I was dead!

    HUEY: Geesh.

    LOUIE: Someone has their hose taps on a little too tight.

    PAGE 2

    Panel 1. Again on Huey, Dewey and Louie but a wider shot, showing a CONSTRUCTION WORKER dragging a huge bag of washing toward Dewey.

    DEWEY: One of these days, I swear, I’ll put an end to my suffe--

    HUEY: Yo! Look at this guy, what’s he thinking?

    LOUIE: He’s got enough washing there for a small but well-regulated militia.

    Panel 2. The Construction Worker has overloaded Dewey with washing and is struggling to jam the door on Dewey shut (but succeeding). Maybe the sides of Dewey are starting to swell out (if it’s drawn cartoony enough).

    DEWEY’S DOOR (SFX): >click<

    Panel 3. Close-up shot of Dewey’s control panel, there are some buttons (ON/OFF is one of them) and indicators showing water levels and such, most importantly there is a dial with different speed settings; slow, fast, super-express wash. The Construction Worker has set the dial to SLOW and is pressing the ON button.

    Panel 4. Again on Huey, Dewey and Louie with the Construction Working walking out of panel.

    LOUIE: Looks like you’ve got a hard wash ahead, eh?

    DEWEY: No! This is my chance to END IT ALL!

    Panel 5. Close-up on Dewey’s speed dial, it has clicked over to SUPER-EXPRESS WASH by itself.

    PAGE 3

    Panel 1. Close on Dewey. His wash cycle has started and he’s shaking like crazy. This page will show Dewey self-destructing ( skip to 1:30 for an example, except with washing inside and crazier).

    Panel 2. On Dewey still, he’s started shaking so badly that one corner of the machine has lifted off the floor a little.

    Panel 3. Still on Dewey, he’s bouncing around and one of the hoses plugged into the back of him has been torn loose and water is shooting out of it.

    Panel 4. Dewey still bouncing around, smoke has start to fume out of him.

    Panel 5. Dewey is again up one one corner from the bouncing, almost at an angle so he’ll tip onto his side. Part of the front paneling on Dewey has simply exploded out and Dewey is slightly on fire.

    Panel 6. Dewey is now on his side, the shaking has stopped. He’s in bad shape, his door has dislodged and is hanging off a single hinge only. The damp washing inside is pouring out of Dewey like he’s been disemboweled. There is smoke and water everywhere.

    PAGE 4

    Panel 1. Shot on just Huey and Louie.

    HUEY: From what I’ve heard, a lot of the human prejudice against us stems from some insane “missing sock” conspiracy theory they have.

    LOUIE: Interesting.

    Panel 2. Same as previous panel, only now a REPAIRMAN is wheeling a repaired Dewey into the spot between Huey and Louie using a trolley/fridge lift.

    DEWEY: Nooooooooooooo!

    HUEY: Hey, welcome back.

    LOUIE: Heck of a job they did fixing you up. I thought you’d be bound for the trash heap for sure.

    Panel 3. Huey, Dewey and Louie as normal, just like Panel 1 on Page 1.

    DEWEY: Why won’t they just let me die with dignity?

    HUEY: Your 4 star energy rating?

    Panel 4. Now a TEENAGE BOY is with Huey, Dewey and Louie, about to load a batch of filthy, bodily fluid-stained bed sheets into Dewey.

    >Sigh< I sure do have a lot of happy memories to wash out of these sheets.

    Panel 5. A wide shot showing Dewey moving toward the store’s exit door (put an EXIT sign above it), his power cord trailing behind him like a tail. The Teenage Boy looks on dumbfounded, next to Huey and Louie.

    DEWEY: Forget this!

    LOUIE: He’s gone off-cable!

    HUEY: Madness.

    PAGE 5

    Panel 1. Exterior of the Laundromat, just a typical laundromat is a regular city street, only with Dewey exiting the store.

    Panel 2. A different angle on the street, showing the road in front of the store. Dewey is moving from the sidewalk into the road, coming down the street on a crash course with Dewey is a large truck (like a moving truck).

    Panel 3. The money shot of the truck smashing into Dewey, he is about to be smashed into smithereens.

    Panel 4. Moments later, Dewey has now been pulverised into a wave of washing machine components spraying through the air in front of the truck (its hood slightly crumpled).

    Panel 5. The aftermath of the accident now, the truck has stopped with skid marks behind it from heavy braking. Dewey is destroyed, scattered around the area are bits of paneling, a cracked washing machine drum, hoses, wires, belts, motor parts and so on. In the foreground of this carnage is the TRUCK DRIVER, a chubby, sweat-stained hog of a man, he’s talking to a POLICE OFFICER.

    I swear, that washing machine, it came out of nowhere!

    Uh huh.
    Need some more webcomic in your diet? Get A Life in the Clouds!

    Probably in PJ chat.

    If you can't use it as an excuse it bed, you shouldn't use it on a forum.


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