Writing Contest #79: "Moral Perversion"

[tudore]

Usury

James Delgado 20’s, marathoner, wavy brown hair, large green eyes
August Nylikos - 40’s, greying at temples, vulpine, hirsute, very groomed, thick black suspenders, tan

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Page 1
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1.1 James, completely soaked, sits on a bench outside a heavy wooden door, office plant on the side opposite. His messenger bag sits in a garbage bag next to him. He’s looking down at the floor as water drips down from his hair.


1.2 James expectantly lifts his head, watching Nylikos exit his office and puts on his fedora, already wearing his coat with a large umbrella on his arm.

James Mr. Nylikos?

1.3 James stands and extends his hand to Nylikos, blocking the briskly moving gentleman’s path.

James Mr. Nylikos, James Delgado. I arranged an appointment with your secretary for today.

1.4 Nylikos sets his tongue in his cheek as he checks his luxury watch.


1.5 James’s POV: Nylikos, eyes narrowed, stares down at the young man.

Nylikos Son, you’ve got 5 minutes.

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Page 2
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2.1 Nylikos’ POV: Nylikos is looking over JAMES’s repayment proposal papers at his desk, as JAMES sits on a wide circular ottoman, pleading his case. The wall behind JAMES is composed of floor to ceiling bookcases.

James … the upshot of which is an additional net 5% on the principal for you-

2.2 Nylikos sets down the papers to regard James. They are in front of a large bay window overlooking a rainy contemporary metropolis. Nylikos’ high-backed leather chair exacerbates the height difference.

Nylikos Kiddo, your generation has been besotted -

2.3 James’ POV: Nylikos dispassionately states the facts, gesturing with his hands, palms up, as if he were physically presenting each of the maladies. Behind Nylikos is a floor to ceiling aquarium filled with coral and exotic fish.

Nylikos by the twin delusions: “the world is fair” and “life is easy” -

2.4 James’ POV: Nylikos waves his hand as if swatting an insect.

Nylikos allow me to disabuse you.

2.5 Overhead: Nylikos rubs his right temple with one hand, waving the other over the proposal papers on his desk.

Nylikos I don’t see you pulling off a third job, and getting a PhD in a hard science.

2.6 Nylikos points two fingers at James to further punctuate his statement.

Nylikos Take a year or two off, pay down your principal, and move from there.

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Page 3
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3.1 James, rolls his shoulders back, making himself as tall as possible. His hands are loosely curled fists on his knees.

James Respectfully, sir, I need to stay in school. Going backwards is not an option.

3.2 Nylikos has risen and is on his way to the door; he speaks with his back to James.

Nylikos ‘Respectfully,’ boy, it's 'want', not 'need'. I said 5 minutes. You’ve taken 6.

3.3 Nylikos holds the door open and gestures toward it with his free hand. The darkness of the office becomes apparent as the light from the hallway spills in and falls over James.


3.4 James stands, ramrod straight, no intention of leaving without a deal.

James Sir, I'll go to school, and you'll get your money. Tell me how it happens.

3.5 Nylikos smirks and cocks his head, the door swinging shut behind him.

Nylikos Sit.

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Page 4
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4.1 A contract with sits on Nylikos desk. Every word is redacted. Only the signature lines remain.

Nylikos [OP] Sign these, and your debt is paid.

4.2 James holds the contract in his hands as he looks flabbergasted at Nylikos. Outside the bay window, the storm clouds have begun to clear, revealing the sunset.



4.3 Nylikos offers him a pen, eyebrows arched.


4.4 James stares wide-eyed at the document.


4.5 Overhead: outside the door, back in the hallway, Nylikos, once again clad in his rain gear, hands a milk carton-sized package to James.

Nylikos An associate will retrieve this by week's end. Be available.

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Page 5
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5.1 James comes through his apartment door, cellphone pressed to his ear. The floor is strewn with textbooks, and a couple pairs of shows sit on the floor by the entrance.

James Ma, it’ll be fine.

5.2 James shucks off his clothes onto the floor as he makes his way to the through the ‘living room’ to ‘the bedroom’ [the only two walled off areas are the bathroom and the kitchen, everything else just blends together.]

James I can spot you the money for a babysitter, its not a problem.

5.3 James flops down on his bed; another one on the wall opposite indicates a roommate. A few empty bowls sit by the bed with a laptop and sundry clutter.

James I'm not saying suspension isn't a big deal -

5.4 James’ POV: he holds the package away from his face. It’s a nondescript, brown paper affair.

James but it's manageable.

5.5 He turns the box on its side to reveal that something has chewed its way out of the corner. The size suggests it was some kind of small rodent.


5.6 James looks back to the trail of clothes as an man-sized insectoid silhouette comes up behind him.

[cbikle]

Hey Greg, welcome back ! Also, I've added the voting poll to this thread.

[tudore]

Anything Goes
As Zepster said, the twist was too telegraphed, but I think it could have been fixed. If you had changed the ending so that the wife discovers her husband, that reaction would have been more interesting; in fact, that could have been the bulk of the story (you could've even done a "Gift of the Magi" ending.) As for the dialogue, it might've helped if you had used more contractions, vernacular.

Roadtrip
I had some issues with dialogue and Jackie's characterization. With the dialogue, the main issue, especially on page 3, is that the lines are too long. The exchanges themselves are ok, but I think these might take up too much space on the page. Aside from 'an offer he couldn't refuse,' the writing feels natural. As for Jackie, it took me a couple reads to figure out she was using the fire to flush the family out of the house, which is clever on her part; though it seems strange to me that her husband was able to make a break for it in the first place.

There is a question of why Howard doesn't just simply confiscate all the digital devices if it is a matter of life and death.

I also think it would've improved the story if Julie had thought her father was kidnapping them, possibly after murdering her mother. First, the assumption going into the story is that the Father's actions are justified, and so its not surprising when he's vindicated at the end. Second, it preempts the question of why he hasn't explained the situation fully to the children. Third, it makes the final reveal that much more interesting, especially if Jackie tries to use her appearance to get the children out of the house.

Jeremy Tableau and the Invasion of the Dream World
The visuals are engaging, though the descriptions may be a little over detailed, but the dialogue is very problematic. The lines are too long: they'd take up too much space on the page, and they don't feel natural. Right now it seems like there's no difference between what people think and what they're saying, rather than having things implied or simply left unacknowledged.

[Zepster]

Roadtrip
I had some issues with dialogue and Jackie's characterization. With the dialogue, the main issue, especially on page 3, is that the lines are too long. The exchanges themselves are ok, but I think these might take up too much space on the page. Aside from 'an offer he couldn't refuse,' the writing feels natural. As for Jackie, it took me a couple reads to figure out she was using the fire to flush the family out of the house, which is clever on her part; though it seems strange to me that her husband was able to make a break for it in the first place.

Page 3 was an exercise in how to you break the news of <vampire/alien invasion or insert weird catastrophe here> to someone and be plausible while in the process of running for your life. I have actually thought about this ( I have a long commute )... BTW if you need to reach multiple family members/friends I suggest twitter #runforyourlife

Howard's escape or rather the details of it would just have gobbled up too much space. I do think however it could be well incorporated with your suggestion of kidnapping after an apparent murder.

There is a question of why Howard doesn't just simply confiscate all the digital devices if it is a matter of life and death.

Yah... originally intended the txt from Jackie to come via wifi in the service station instead of over the cellular network. It ended up with too much context required so I ditched the idea and left it that Howard wasn't exactly thinking straight when he left the house.

I also think it would've improved the story if Julie had thought her father was kidnapping them, possibly after murdering her mother. First, the assumption going into the story is that the Father's actions are justified, and so its not surprising when he's vindicated at the end. Second, it preempts the question of why he hasn't explained the situation fully to the children. Third, it makes the final reveal that much more interesting, especially if Jackie tries to use her appearance to get the children out of the house.

Good thinking and I'd originally intended to have more of a tug of love with Jackie and the kids but ran out of space again. I did try to keep it a little vague whether Howard was nuts or if he was actually on the level - so the overall vampire invasion thing was probably too subtle.

Thanks for the crits - much appreciated

[tudore]

cbikle:
For future polls, could we shorten the duration? Maybe 4-7 days? Would that be enough time for everyone to read and crit?

[Intelligent Moron]

I feared it was to telegraphed and honestly what you suggested tudore I was considering. The wife coming up after the husband told her to stay downstairs to find her husband hacking up dinner. Then twisting it one or two ways. Have the wife join in like it was second nature or him just trying to convince her it was best for the kids.

Oh well... live and learn.

[cbikle]

cbikle:
For future polls, could we shorten the duration? Maybe 4-7 days? Would that be enough time for everyone to read and crit?

If enough people feel the same way as you, I'd be cool with keeping it to a week, so yeah, maybe.

[Zepster]

@tudore

I've no crits on descriptions, dialog etc... ( other than a typo on p5.1 which I assume should have been shoes ). It was nicely atmospheric overall. I just didn't have a clue as to what happened at the end... Sorry - I can sorta guess but really just am not sure and feeling a bit thick because I can't find what I missed other than it was Faustian...

[tudore]

@ Zepster:
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...

[Expletives Deleted] Somewhat frustrated in my ongoing war on typos.

Anyway, thanks for the feedback. The ending was the part that I had clearest in my head from the beginning, but I tweaked it to make it fit within the page limit and show a clear connection in the plot. Originally, James was engulfed by his bed (it grew tentacle-ish pseudopods; if you've seen the original Nightmare on Elm St., it's the Johnny Depp scene minus the fountain of blood). As much as I liked that imagery, I thought the causal relationship would've been confusing, so I added the package. In both cases, he's sent to a Hobbesean spirit world, so he may show up in future contests. At least I did a good job with the atmosphere, and got it to read as Faustian rather than just as a rewrite of Faustus.

[Greg Anderson]

Intelligent Moron - Anything Goes

I liked it. It was very short and simple, but I would have liked a little more, personally. But overall I thought it was a good read. I would say, though, to proof read a bit more. There was a lot of grammar mistakes that was initially taking me out of it but I had to read through them. The story was a little predictable, but I think it would have been better if the rest of the family knew what the father did and were okay with it.