She's chunky? Really?
Witchblade sample sequential based on a 3-page sample script that I wrote. This is the first page, with the other two currently under construction.
Yes, that is Sara Pezzini, and yes, she is chunky. She loses the extra weight that she gained in the next two pages, after which she'll be back to her sexy self.
Witchblade © Top Cow.
Witchblade Created by Marc Silvestri, David Wohl, Brian Haberlin, Christina Z, and Michael Turner.
The Dr. likes a girl with a little meat on her! Lips on her face in the close up shot are too low also one of her eyes are bigger then the other. Nice composition though I like the cropping of the middle panels.
Here's my feedback: On your first panel, good job setting up the scene. I think however, since the interior of her apartment (?) is what we're focused on, you could have just made the outside walls entirely black or close to it. I'm a little distracted by the spacing of the bricks as well, they feel too flat and digital. With the outside dark and just the windows and inside lit well, we will be drawn "into" the apartment and focus on her legs and her shadow.
Panel 2: this panel is good, except in panel one she is casting a shadow towards the balcony and here you've removed it. I think the shadow could have remained and it would have made the room more solid, right now the space between the shoe on the floor and the open door make it look a little too "steep" to me. But thats just a nit pick, I can still understand what is going on clearly. Oh, and you have a tangent on the back of her left knee and the door frame on the floor.
panel 3s: in 3.1 I immediately thought she was casting a spell or something, now I see that she is putting 'tight' clothing on. to really get the tight part to come across, I would have had her flesh bulge out around where the clothing ends, like her bicep in 3.1 and her thigh in 3.3. You really want her to look like shes "bursting" out of her clothing to really cement the idea that its all tight.
A note on the way you've drawn the wrinkles on this page: they dont really show the form that they are covering, I would have found some reference of bigger women in tight clothing (haha, but seriously) to really get a feel as to where the wrinkles belong and how they curve over the forms of the body.
Last panel: I'm guessing she is surprised by how much weight she's gained here? I dont buy her mouth at all. This was a good opportunity to really play up the surprise and bulging flesh in the clothing. That being said, for the mirror, I might have drawn a stand up mirror (not one hanging on a door) to really make it obvious that she's looking at herself in the mirror. We don't really see a lot of the room that she's in and she could be looking at someone else for all we know.
This is a pretty big wall of text, but I hope this is helpful. You've got a lot of good things going on here and with a few small changes it can be an even better page. keep burning that lead!
Dr. Strange Fate: Thanks! I did not realize I had the lips too low. Very, very fixable
Brian: Thanks, and great critque!
The shadow that I left in Panel 1 was created a separate layer for layer for the colorist (assuming if I get someone to color it), so he could have a guideline to work with, and then he could take care of that however he chose to in Panel 2. I do see what you're saying about making the bricks black to draw the attention to the inside of the apartment. I can do that. As for them being a little flat, absolutely agree that they look a bit flat. I haven't figured out how to make them look a little more three-dimensional, but I will sooner or later.
Tangent? I'm not sure what you mean. Are you talking about the knee wrinkle on her left knee? If so, I understand what you mean. Very fixable.
The last panel: Yes, you guessed correctly - she is surprised at how much weight that she gained. Good idea on the stand-up mirror. I didn't even think of that. I admit, I had some trouble portraying that last panel and making it more potent. I thought about tilting the camera angle to see if it would to Sara's surprise, but being in a relatively skinny panel, I decided against it.
Before i crit, I gotta ask, what is the sample for?
Is it supposed to be some kind of submission to TC (or something like that), or it's some kind of a personal practice thing?
Hmmm...that makes the critiquing process even harder.
Actually, my main crit, is not about the way things are drawn but about the page itself.
If this supposed to be a 3 page "script" i think you "wasted" a page. Of course, you have two more pages to "shine". However, as a first page i think it is a very weak start to represent something that you might submit to someone or especially if it was drawn for practice - because one should always strive to work on the hardest/most complex problems.
You "wasted" a page by not showing what those who judge your work want to see and by not working on the difficult yet important aspects of the comic book art.
a. Your knowledge of anatomy, and the ability to draw the body, using perspective foreshortening and various angles...try to use more interesting angles and no to cut off fingers.
b. Your ability to draw various objects and scenes; cars, trees, planes, buildings (not only a part of a wall), animals, drapery, etc. - especially in perspective.
c. Your ability to draw people with different expressions, clothes, anatomy...etc...
d. The character should be easily recognized - for example - if i did not read the title, i would have never guessed that it's Sara.... I understand that she is supposed to be chubby, that does not mean she can not look attractive/strong/sexy.
e. The first page should "pull in" the reader and motivate him to read more/flip the page...(especially if I am a new reader that knows nothing about the character) here imo...all i can see at the last panel is "Sara" being fat in a dress..."so what?" why anyone would care enough to read more about this?
Don't get me wrong here, you did a good job on this.
However, i think you missed the target here.
Hope it helped a lil.