Short script needs some advice

[barrytown83]

Here's the script:

The Highway Job

PAGE ONE (six panels)

Panel 1 – Shot of a city street. Cars line the street. Two men are standing next to a van. One, ADAM, is in his mid-twenties, athletic, dressed in an unassuming hoodie and jeans. He is looking around the street, clearly keeping watch. The second, a slightly older, heavier man, is bent over the window of the van. Clearly he is unlocking it with a slim jim.
ADAM (narration):
My name is Adam.

Panel 2 – Closer shot of the heavier man, working the lock.
ADAM (narr):
My job can be…
OTHER GUY:
Almost…
ADAM (narr):
…unpleasant.

Panel 3 – Same shot, only now the overweight guy is pulling up on the slim jim.
ADAM (narr):
It’s often dangerous.
OTHER GUY:
Got it!

Panel 4 – Wider shot, so we can see the other guy’s legs sticking out of the driver’s side door, laying down to hotwire the van, while Adam is at the back loading cases into the open van.
ADAM (narr):
Sometimes it’s just gruesome.

Panel 5 – Shot inside the van, looking down at the other guy from the driver’s seat, hotwiring the car.
SFX:
Rrr…rrr…rrr…rrRRMMM!
ADAM (narr):
But every so often…

Panel 6 – Adam in the back of the van, pulling the doors shut.
OTHER GUY:
We’re all set!
SFX:
SLAM!
ADAM (narr):
It’s just plain fun.

PAGE TWO (six panels)

Panel 1 – Shot of a wealthy-looking man driving down the highway in a Lexus. Far enough away that we can see the whole car.
ADAM (narr):
Take Mr. Lexus here. Soon-to-be former accountant for my employer.

Panel 2 – Closer shot of the man in the Lexus, we can see he’s wearing a nice suit and tie, and has a Bluetooth headset in his ear.
ADAM (narr):
First he embezzled. Now he wants to turn State’s evidence. Two strikes too many.

Panel 3 – Shot from above, the Lexus is passing an on-ramp, where the van is pulling onto the highway.
ADAM (narr):
So now I have two rules.

Panel 4 – Close shot of Adam, crouched in the back of the van, loading an M16A4.
ADAM (narr):
One, make it big.
ADAM:
That’s him in the Lexus.
ADAM (narr):
So everyone knows what happens when you **** with Victor.

Panel 5 – Shot from along the driver’s side of the Lexus, so we can see the man driving it, of the van pulling in front. Adam’s silhouette can be seen in the back window of the van.
ADAM (narr):
Of course, this means I can’t leave any evidence. Nothing that the police can use, anyway.

Panel 6 – From inside the back, looking at Adam’s back. He’s standing, kicking open the back doors of the van, M16 at the ready.
ADAM (narr):
Which means I need to get creative.

PAGE THREE (four panels)

Panel 1 – Large panel. Wide shot from behind the van, back doors wide open, Adam standing, firing the M16.
ADAM (narr):
Like I said, fun.

Panel 2 – Shot from in front, looking back at the Lexus, which is now swerving violently. The driver can be seen throwing an arm up in surprise. A line of bullets holes goes across the hood.

Panel 3 – Close shot of the front driver’s side tire of the Lexus. The tire is exploding from a gunshot.

Panel 4 – Close shot of the driver frantically working the steering wheel.

PAGE FOUR

Three panels, splitting the page horizontally into thirds. Each panel shows the Lexus rolling down the highway. Cars around it are swerving to avoid hitting it. The third panel shows it laying upside down.

PAGE FIVE (six panels)

Panel 1 – Shot of the van, now stopped at somewhat of an angle, the back still open, as Adam is in the process of hopping onto the pavement, the M16 on the floor of the van.

Panel 2 – Shot of Adam walking down the highway towards the overturned car.

Panel 3 – Medium shot of the driver, upside down, through the window of the car. He’s pulling at his seatbelt in a panic. Adam’s feet can be seen standing outside the car.

Panel 4 – Same shot, only now Adam is crouched down to look at the man. He’s holding out his hand, there’s something relatively fist-sized in it, but we can’t tell exactly what it is from the angle (it’s a grenade). The driver looks at him in fear.
ADAM:
From Victor.

Panel 5 – Same shot, Adam tosses the grenade into the car 9we can see well enough what it is now) under the driver’s head.

Panel 6 – Large panel across the bottom of the page of Adam walking away from the exploding car with an impassive look on his face.
ADAM (narr):
Just like in the movies.

[barrytown83]

So my question is this: When I wrote the initial rough draft, it included an additional page as sort of an epilogue, showing them disposing of the van, then Adam kills the driver, and basically kicks back, proud of a job well done. Now that I'm doing the final draft it feels like that last page would seem superfluous, but I'm not sure if it feels complete just like this. I don't know if I feel that way just because I have that epilogue in my mind, or it genuinely needs something more to close it out. Thoughts? Ideas? Critiques on the script as it is? Any feedback would be greatly appreciated.

Thanks in advance!

[Chris2.0]

Hiya,

Nothing wrong with your script, and the plot & dialogue!

As for the ending - I would leave out the extra page, although it ends the story rather well, it doesn't really add anything?

Then just to pick a nit - and something I'm VERY guilty of as well - some stories I write have all the qualities of a sci-fi/action movie – plenty of action, logical plot with (hopefully no holes!) beginning/middle/end, adequate dialogue, believable characters, etc, etc… But sometimes when reading my stories – I ask myself – why would a reader like or root for this character to succeed? What emotional involvement/attachment is there?

In your case, you only had 5 pages to show us this guy’s world – so I’d like to see a sequel of sorts for your story? Explaining why he’s doing what he’s doing? And how he justifies it to himself?

And yeah, not every story can (or should?) be about a hero – but what redeeming qualities does ADAM have that will make him an endearing long-term character? In the one story I have written - although a young prodigy is broken and brainwashed into becoming an assassin, she does turn around and tries to make up for all the hurt she has caused…

Sorry if this sounded moralistic or preachy, but maybe I’m just still a tad too old-school at heart… But yeah, not every story has a happy ending (depending on your POV & if you were the antagonist or protagonist of course!), nor should it be about just a goody-2-shoes cardboard hero/ine!

So just my 2c - what does the rest of PJ think?

[Mike V]

What was the second rule?

[barrytown83]

@Mike V - The second rule was that he can't leave any evidence. I wasn't sure if that would be clear or not.

@Chris - Adam is actually a character I've been working on for a while, I just decided to start writing some shorts with him to develop his character more. I've only written 2 so far, this one included, but I plan to write more. So all the questions about his character will start to be answered over time. Right now I'm just doing some cool action-y vignettes to get an idea of how he operates.

Thanks for the feedback, very helpful!

[My name is Tommy]

Hey, cool story. Very well written. I honestly can't add any new crits, so I will just really throw more light on the "What was the second rule" comment. I feel like if you rewrote the dialogue there it would be way more clear and, ergo, better. Aside from that no complaints. I would also like to say that while, generally, what Chris said about emotional attachment is true(and damn good advice), I personally don't think it hinders this piece. If this were part of a series, sure, but as far as this piece alone, it's fine. I guess I kind of look at it as being the same difference between a short story and a novel.

Just chiming it. I did like it though, for what that's worth.

[barrytown83]

Thanks for the comments! I actually did update that bit when I posted the script on my deviant art page. After going back, I agree that it makes it kind of confusing.

Thanks again!