The Hungry Heart - 5 Page Boxing Short

[Night Robin]

The Hungry Heart

This a five page short I came up with. It's a first draft. Feel free to hit me with any and all crits. Especially in the realm of grammar and the like.

I will add that I am well aware my panel descriptions are quite short on this. I'll likely add some more details in the second draft.

PAGE ONE

1- Tight on the eyes of Miquel Martinez (33, Hispanic) as blood streams down his face. He looks focused.

NARRATOR (CAPTION)
They don’t see it.

2- Miguel sits on a stool in his corner as his cornermen wipe away the blood and attempting to reduce the swelling around his eyes. His coach gives him instruction.

NARRATOR (CAPTION) (CONT’D)
But if you look hard. Past the blood, sweat and exhaustion.

NARRATOR (CONT’D)
It’s there.

3- Miguel stands as the round is about to begin. His cornermen exit the ring.

NARRATOR (CONT’D)
The twinkle in his eyes. That last ounce of hope that he can still win this.

4- Carl Lewis (28, African American), Miquel’s opponent, delivers a strong body shot to Miguel. Carl is noticeably less beat up than Miguel.

NARRATOR (CONT’D)
The crowd is amazed he’s lasted this long.

5- Two commentator’s sit ringside talking about the fight. They look disappointed in Miguel.

NARRATOR (CONT’D)
The commentator’s banter about how tired and broken he is.

PAGE TWO

1- Miguel throws a right hand at Lewis. Lewis slips out of the way.

NARRATOR
They’re right. He’s been destroyed for ten rounds and this eleventh is no different.

2- Lewis hits Miguel with a hard left hook to the head. Blood flies from Miguel’s mouth.

3- Lewis hits Miguel with a strong right uppercut.

NARRATOR (CONT’D)
He eats shots too hard to swallow.

4- Birds-eye view of the ring. A large amount of blood has been shed on it. Miguel throws a punch and misses badly.

NARRATOR (CONT’D)
He’s lost what seems like gallons of blood.

5- Miguel swings and barely misses.

NARRATOR (CONT’D)
He’s tired and broken. That much is true.

6- The referee separates the two fighters as the bell rings.

SFX
DingDing!

NARRATOR
But he isn’t beaten. Not yet. And that’s the only thing that matters.

PAGE THREE

1- Miguel sits in his corner as they wipe off the blood and work on the swelling. He looks tired but still focused.

NARRATOR
He rests as his corner tells him what he already knows.

NARRATOR (CONT’D)
He’s down 11 Rounds. He either gets a knockout or goes home the loser. It’s the only way.

2- Close shot of Miguel as he stands waiting for the final round to begin.

NARRATOR (CONT’D)
Just before the final round begins, I see it again. The glimmer, twinkle or whatever you want to call it.

NARRATOR (CONT’D)
I see a look in his eyes that says although he’s losing this fight, he still has hope. Faith.

3- Lewis throws a punch and hits Miguel in the ribs.

NARRATOR (CONT’D)
It starts the same.

NARRATOR (CONT’D)
For every shot he can’t land he’s returned two he can’t block.

4- The crowd looks dissatisfied. They boo heavily and give the fighters a thumbs down.

NARRATOR (CONT’D)
The crowd thinks he’s a joke. That he shouldn’t be competing at this level.

NARRATOR (CONT’D)
They still don’t see it.

5- Lewis hits Miguel with a hard shot.

NARRATOR (CONT’D)
They see his bloody face. His wobbly knees and his bruised ribs. They see all that.

PAGE FOUR

1- Lewis throws a punch and Miguel slips it.

NARRATOR
But they don’t see his heart.

2- Miguel lands a strong uppercut on Lewis.

NARRATOR (CONT’D)
They don’t see that it’s strong...

3- Miguel lands another shot.

NARRATOR (CONT’D)
And fierce...

4- The crowd is on it’s feet and shocked. They’re cheering and smiling.

NARRATOR (CONT’D)
And hungry for success.

5- Miguel lands another hard shot. Lewis goes down.

NARRATOR (CONT’D)
Hungry for victory.

PAGE FIVE

1- The ref stands over Lewis and reaches the count of ten. Miguel is standing in a neutral corner (either of the two corners of the ring not used by the boxers between rounds).

NARRATOR
Tomorrow, they’ll say they saw it.

2- Miguel is awarded the championship title as reporters and journalists flood the ring.

NARRATOR (CONT’D)
Tell and write stories about it.

3- Large shot of Miguel raising his new championship high in the air. His gloves are no longer own but are still taped. The reporters and the journalists are smiling and trying to get his attention by holding their microphones close to him.

NARRATOR (CONT’D)
And I guess that’s okay. Because it doesn’t really matter what they, or I, saw. Wether we believed he had it in him to win.

NARRATOR (CONT’D)
Because in the moment that counted...

NARRATOR (CONT’D)
He knew it.

[Jack Wong]

I like it. Commentator's on the first page should be Commentators.

Who is the narrator? It doesn't really matter, but it's interesting to have the voice say 'I' if it's a sort of all-seeing type of POV.

Only negative is that it's a story that's been told a lot, the classic unbelievable comeback.

Also could easily be an ad. The last line could be something like 'Because he drinks Gatorade.' or a logo could be flashed, and it would still make sense.

Style is good, and I like the way the story's told, though. Nice work.

edit: Also, you could use the crowd's reactions and the commentators speaking to explain some of what the narrator's explaining, without using the narrator.

And this feels like it could be the first scene of something else, easily.

Peace

[Night Robin]

Thanks for the feedback.

The narrator, in my mind anyway, is a journalist sitting at ringside. I may make it an omnipotent one though. I think that works better.

Yeah, It isn't the most original tale. I just need to cut my teeth more and that means any idea I have goes on paper. Whether it's great or just decent.

Does feel like an ad, but I guess that's okay.

I likely will use the crowd and commentators to lighten the narrator's load. Thanks for the suggestion. I'm not a big fan of narrators anyway, but that's obviously the heart of this story. No pun intended.

I could expand it, but I like it better as a short.

[Jack Wong]

Yeah as an exercise it's solid. I was thinking it could be a pre-recruitment scene, that's all.