Sorry for the duplicated post, you can delete this comment if you wish.
I liked this. For some reason I kept on thinking of Tom & Jerry style cartoons ( without soundtrack ) and if I were to think of anything to add to your story it’d be to style it more in that direction. The slapstick and emotion just seems to resonate with that approach. It could also allow an artist be more expressive with the facial expressions if it were done in a tooney style. A really good approach for the no dialog theme….
Hey! I enjoyed this too.
Although the Astronaut/artefact on the moon/alien(s) deciding we’re some form of galactic pollution that needs to be removed thing has been done before, a lot. Even the moon as an artificial satellite put there by aliens to keep an eye on us has I think been done…
Being a total nerdboy – if you put the Moon there to keep an eye on the planet, a duration of millions of years at least, would you allow less than a moments blip to decide getting rid of the whole lot? Sorry, I read a lot of Sci Fi and think quite a bit about this sort of stuff and environmentally aware aliens committing genocide ( or terracide given that all the innocent animals/plants will share our fate ) is quite a contradiction anyway. I’m not dissing the entire concept ( getting rid of a warlike race before they discover FTL would be a lot more plausible ) but as presented here just doesn’t work for me.
That said, there is very little new under the Sun ( or the Moon ), so your take on it is important to distinguish yourself. I liked the lead up/build to the climax but perhaps you didn’t need quite so many panels ( an interesting side bar on this competition will be to see how people compensate for the lack of dialog ).
Overall, while not mad about the concept, the story unfolds well, has decent pacing and the timing of the payoff worked very well indeed.
Thanks for your C&C, Zepster (I will be doing mine later on the week).
Yes, it's been seen and done before, I agree. I must admit I'm a bit rusty, so I focused on making it funny and I'm happy I got a script done after quite a long time passed since my last one.
In my head, I imagine that the art would be perfect in the style of Frank Quitely or maybe Kevin Maguire.
Just to clarify: the elimination of the Earth was not decided then. The astronaut was just lucky/unlucky enough to be there at the right/wrong time to see it happen.
Also, I'm not too sure that being environmentally friendly contradicts genocide, but let's just say that I see the aliens more as being practical enough to solve a problem in the quickest, easiest possible way, a bit maybe like The Hitchhikers Guide To The Galaxy. I stole from there, too
But yes, all in all it's not really Alan Moore and you're definitely right
Hey everyone, let me know what you think.
This script is the dramatic conclusion to the old "girl stuck in the house with the serial killer".
THE GIRL: Mid teen's, kind of scrawny. She is sporting the long t-shirt and socks sleeping combo. She is streaked with blood. Her face is Not sure how I want her hair to be. Her movements are quick, panicked.
THE KILLER: 6+ feet tall, easily 300 lbs he wears a wool cap (http://www.kaboodle.com/reviews/engl...ol-driving-cap). He wears a brown trench coat. He is splattered with blood, his hands and forearms are almost entirely soaked with blood (think The Maxx, but red instead of yellow). His cap shade's his face making his features hard to read. He barely fits through the door's in the house. His movements are slow and methodical.
Page 1 (1 panel)
PANEL 1. Open up on full page half face/shoulder with hallway over shoulder view of THE KILLER, face/shoulder splattered with blood, insane smile. hair and face are messy as hell, like a dreg. some fresh scratches on the face. The hallway ends with a folding closet door. An entry way to a bedroom on the right wall of the hall.
Page 2 (6 panels)
PANEL 1. Close up on closet door.
PANEL 2. Extreme close up on the door we see a sliver of light partially illuminating THE GIRL'S face, wide eyed with terror.
PANEL 3. Like the audiences eyes, the picture adjust to the lack of light to see it is a young girl, early teens wearing long t-shirt and socks to sleep in standing in the closet surrounded by hanging jackets. She is clutching at her mouth with both hands
PANEL 4. A first person perspective from her we look out the crack in the closet door to see THE KILLER walking towards THE GIRL in the closet. Massive in size 6ft blood splatters his face, and chest. His hands and half his forearms are completely covered in blood. He has one of those wool caps on (like 1930's cap the paper boy would wear). He also wears a trench coat. He looks like a moving mountain.
PANEL 5. THE GIRL'S face is now shadowed, light is not coming through (shadow cast by THE KILLER in hallway).
PANEL 6. THE GIRL has disappeared behind the jackets
Page 3 (4 panels)
PANEL 1. Over THE KILLER'S shoulder, we see him throwing the door open to the closet, but nothing is there.
PANEL 2. Focus on THE KILLER'S face, the grin has turned to a frown.
PANEL 3. Same shot from PANEL 2 but now a profile, as if he has seen/heard something to draw his attention.
PANEL 4. A shot from inside an adjacent bedroom THE KILLER filling the doorway, light silhouetting him. He is reaching for a light switch.
Page 4 (6 Panels)
PANEL 1. From outside the room, from hallway. The room light is turned on, and we see the bottom of THE KILLER'S leg, and arm mid stride going deeper in to the room We can now see that he is surprisingly clean for how much blood had gotten splattered across the room. THE GIRL in the closet is sticking her head out.
PANEL 2. We see THE GIRL in the hallway sneaking past the door.
PANEL 3. THE GIRL is climbing down the stairs, using the railings for support.
PANEL 4. Now in the kitchen THE GIRL grabs a butcher knife from a block. A phone can be seen attached to the wall next to the block.
PANEL 5. THE GIRL has the kitchen phone in hand the wire is obviously cut. Her face show's shock.
PANEL 6. A view inside the kitchen we see the bottom of the stair case, a cast shadow from THE KILLER and a creak from the stairs.
Page 5 (5 Panels)
PANEL 1. Cornered in the kitchen THE GIRL makes a break for the doorway.
PANEL 2. We are looking up the staircase again seeing THE KILLER. similar to previous pages view. THE KILLER is half way down the stairs. There is a hallway on the bottom floor mirroring the top floor. THE GIRL is at the bottom of the stairs mid dash, knife in hand.
PANEL 3. Same shot, THE KILLER is hopping over the stair railing as THE GIRL tries to run down the hallway (maybe show a doorway to the outside world at the end of the hall?).
PANEL 4. We see the profile of the stairway. THE KILLER, and THE GIRL post collision, he is laying on top of her. A pool of blood coming out from under them.
PANEL 5. Same shot, THE GIRL pulling herself out from under killer (using the stair case to climb out from under him). He is in some mid air rotation from her getting up, we see a good portion of the knife stuck in to THE KILLER'S chest.
Last edited by Insomniac Pillz; 06-01-2012 at 12:28 PM.
Reason: Clean up
Last edited by Insomniac Pillz; 05-29-2012 at 03:44 PM.
Reason: Duplicate post.
@ Insomniac Pillz:
You still have time before the deadline so I'd recommend:
- Clarifying character descriptions: right now, they're completely generic.
- Improve readability by correcting grammar mistakes and reformat the script: consistent capitalization; apostrophe placement; an empty line between panels.
- Links to photo references
- Spelling: creak/creek [it seems everyone has become too dependent on spell check, myself included]
It seems all the panels only have one movement, so that's good. Let it rest for a couple days, and then reread it; see how it flows.
I was gonna name it silence, but in French... but I found out it's spelled exactly the same as in English haha.
*I'd love to see this sucker drawn.
Here's a little diddy I wrote up. Crits are always welcome, but first I must say I know this is going to be considered a lot of panels by some. I feel it fits/flows well and without having to worry about dialogue I feel it works. Feel free to disagree :].
Page 1 (6 panels)
Start with a wide, establishing shot of a boulevard in France. While we don't necessarily need to see any specific buildings, this street should be near the Louvre, along with the other nearby museums/tourist attractions. The scene is filled with tourists.
We can see a mime going over the trapped-in-a-box routine. There is also a group of three boys, roughly 12 years old, standing not far from the mime.
Pull in on the group of boys. They are now huddled up with mischievous grins on their face, barely holding back their giggles. Two of the boys have their backs to the mime, who we can see in the background still doing the box routine. The last boy, we will call his Arnold, has his back to us and is peeking up at the mime.
Arnold is now standing roughly 3 feet in front of the mime. They are looking into each other's faces. Arnold has a smug, annoying grin on his face. Both characters should have their arms down at their sides.
Repeat panel, except now the mime has his right hand up, palm out as if pressing it against an invisible wall. Arnold is mirroring the mime's action.
Repeat Panel 4., except now the mime's left hand is lifted as well, palm up as if pressed against an invisible ceiling. Arnold is, once again, mirroring the mime's action.
Closeup of the mime's face. He is looking down at Arnold, with an annoyed expression, but nothing too dramatic yet.
Page 2 (6 panels)
The mime has turned his back on Arnold. He is now crouched down. His fist are clenched like he's picking up an invisible rope. Behind him we can see Arnold who has turned to face the other 2 boys further in the background. The 2 boys are laughing and encouraging Arnold, egging him on to continue messing with the mime.
Arnold is standing in front of the mime looking down at the invisible rope. He has his fingers shaped like scissors and is holding them out, threatening to cut the invisible rope.
Shot of Arnold from over the mime's shoulder. Arnold is looking up at the mime's face. The smug grin from Panel 1.3 has evolved into a more menacing sneer. He now has the invisible rope in between his scissor-shaped fingers.
Repeat Panel 4., except now Arnold has closed his two extended fingers together, cutting the invisible rope. The mime is starting to fall backwards here.
The mime is reeling, trying desperately to catch his balance as he's falling backwards.
The mime has fallen on his butt and is looking up at Arnold's face. Arnold is laughing hard, but has his hand over his mouth suppressing the laughter.
Page 3 (5 panels)
Shot from in front of the mime, who is still down on the ground. He has a very angry frown on his face. Behind him we can see Arnold walking towards his two friends. The two friends are laughing, but too far away to hear.
Switch to a shot from the mime's side. He has turned around to face the direction Arnold is walking in and is twirling an invisible lasso over his head, ready to throw it.
Repeat Panel 2., except now the mime has just thrown the invisible lasso.
Repeat Panel 3., except now the mime is pulling the invisible rope with both hands as if he has caught something and is now trying to pull it in.
Shot of the three boys walking away. Arnold is falling forward, a surprised look on his face.
page 4 (6 panels)
Shot from behind the mime, who is still on one knee. He is once again pulling the invisible rope, much like in Panel 2.2., but with much more ease. Further back in the shot we can see Arnold and his 2 friends. Arnold is on his belly getting dragged by the invisible rope, the other boys are looking down at him, completely frozen from the shock of what they're seeing.
Repeat Panel 1., except now the mime has pulled Arnold closer to him. Arnold should be roughly half as far from the mime in this shot as he was in Panel 1.
Repeat Panel once more, but now the mime has pulled Arnold all the way over to him and is lifting him off the ground with his hands.
The mime and Arnold are now both on their feet. The mime has Arnold by the back of his shirt with one hand. With the other hand, he has opened an invisible door.
The mime has thrown Arnold onto the ground through the invisible door.
The mime is slamming the invisible door hard.
Page 5 (6 panels)
Closeup of the mime's hand has he is locking the invisible door with an invisible key.
The mime has his head tilted backwards and has dropped the invisible key down his throat.
The mime is now looking down at Arnold. He has a pleased look on his face and is rubbing his belly has if he just ate something delicious.
Arnold has stood up. While attempting to walk towards the mime he has ran into an invisible, yet very solid wall.
Shot from just behind the mime. The mime is looking down at Arnold, a victorious smile on his face. Arnold is banging on the walls of the invisible box, but it's a useless struggle.
We're further away now, about where Arnold's friends were standing in Panel 4.1. We're looking in the direction of the box. In the foreground the mime has walked away from the scene and is just about to walk past us. He has a very pleased, amused smile on his face. He is near laughter.
Further back, Arnold is stuck in the box and is screaming and pounding on the walls with all his might, to no avail. His 2 friends are now near him trying to figure out how to get him out as well.
(In cursive writing.)
Last edited by My name is Tommy; 06-04-2012 at 10:49 AM.
P.S. My posts should be cut in half. Almost every time I post it makes me double post
Last edited by My name is Tommy; 05-30-2012 at 02:54 PM.
Reason: Double post
Really liked this, although one thing. You mentioned too many panels.. That isn't necessarily a bad thing, but on reading the script there are one or two panels that could easily have been trimmed ( the mime creating the lasso for one - It would be difficult to depict and ultimately probably wasn't necessary once we saw him throwing the lasso... ). Really liked the story but do think that it would be challenging for an artist, maybe too challenging.
I got where you were going with this but would have to echo the earlier comments. The descriptions are too sparse and occasionaly confusing. A script is the building block with which your collaborators will construct the final product. It needs to be clear and easily understood.
The other aspect of this is if you read any comments by submissions editors - they discard 90% of scripts for these reasons without even bothering to read them.
A clear, concise, well formatted script instantly puts you in the top 10%, you still need an outstanding story but without being in that 10% your story will never be considered regardless of how good it is....
BTW - Great to see so many new( to me anyway ) names participating in the competition - looking forward to seeing more from all of you