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Thread: Writing Contest #77: Silent Comic

  1. #31
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    And here's mine...

    What makes a man...


    Synopsis:

    A lone man is moving through a lush, verdant jungle, going after the mass-murdering robot overlords that killed his family… He is holding something close to his chest in a satchel… He sees them and shoots one of them! But then attacked by 2 others! He fights them! He takes out another one! But the remaining one plunges a bladed tentacle through his chest! But he has a secret weapon and the robot falls! But then the man gets up!? Finally he gets to where he wanted to go… 3 graves… And the truth is revealed…

    Character Descriptions:

    - Matt – An older, weathered Matthew McConaughey – the years has been hard & unkind…
    - Squidbots - these aren’t your Uncle Neo’s squids… They’re more upright then the vertical flying Squiddies from Matrix. They have a main body, with tentacles sprouting below the head. Said head has camera sensors, a pair in front, and then singles on the sides and back. But then we also get to see them rusted, patched and repaired? (But in flashbacks – new & gleaming of course…)
    - Matt’s family (in flashbacks – wife, 2 kids – boy and a girl…) For the headstone reference – their surname is xxx and wife’s name is Cathy, kids are Isaac and Courtney. All died on 16 Dec 2021…

    Surroundings:

    Takes place in:
    - Post-pocalypse - the jungle has reclaimed almost everything… Either NY or Rio – with a damaged Lady Liberty or The Redeemer statue visible in the background…
    - Matt’s family home & the graves dug in front of the remains of the destroyed house…
    - Machine HQ – but only in a flashback, and only the inside of one room…
    Breakdowns:

    Page 1 - Matt gets a nightmarish flashback to what happened when he was in the clutches of the machines! He snaps out of it, and continues his search for the machines… He finds 3 of them!

    Page 2 - He fires, and takes out one! He aims for the second one! But his rifle jams, meaning he has to fight the others hand to hand!

    Page 3 - They attack! He takes out one more with a bladed energy weapon!

    Page 4 - Only one left! It’s mano-a-machino! But Matt gets a bladed tentacle through his chest and he falls! But the bomb he planted goes off and destroys the squidbot!

    Page 5 - Matt gets up! We see the hole in his chest healing up, his blood mixing with the oil from his cyborg chassis… He gets to the graves, adding all the broken robot CPU’s he’s collected since the last visit… The machines may have turned him into a cyborg, but he’ll not stop until all of them are destroyed for what they did to him and his family…
    Script:

    Page 1 (6 panels)


    Panel 1 – Top of the page [Flashback panel – will have different colouring scheme and/or border around them care of colourist, to identify flashback & present day panels… ]

    A man is having a nightmare – he’s stretched out on an autopsy table, his skin being flayed off! An android is standing next to the table, doing the flaying [Or is visible in the background, and a squidbot with its tentacle arms with sharp blades are doing the surgery - take your pick!] So basically it’s a man, strapped down, with the leg/arm/body part of his skin being carefully peeled off his body, leaving the muscle/cartilage visible… I want at least his face and neck’s skin still attached, so we can see what he looks like, and to join up to the next panel… If possible show him with his head to the left, and the result of the flaying surgery to the right… He’s awake for the procedure, so his mouth is open.


    Panel 2 – Below Panel 1, same tier as Panel 3.
    He wakes up from said nightmare – try to keep him in the same pose if possible! If possible, have him lying on the ground or a low branch… He’s holding his mouth shut to suppress any noise… He is dressed in an old ragged soldier’s uniform & behind him we see a lush, verdant jungle, he’s got a rifle slung over his shoulder/body. If possible, show the statue landmark in the far background, so as to show the reader more or less where we are, and that a LOT has changed!


    Panel 3 – Below Panel 1, next to Panel 2.
    Zoom in – he’s standing now, try to have him the same pose as the android in Panel 1 – to be explained why later… It’s a close-up of his face and chest – pretty haggard looking man w/ beard and clutching a satchel/bag to his chest –asif it contains untold riches or something very important to him…

    Panel 4
    He is also very careful, looking around, tilting his head so he can listen, as he removes the rifle from his shoulder…

    Panel 5
    And he aims – he has a resolute – “this ends here” look on his face… He’s actually on a bit of a hull, so he’ll be aiming slightly down towards the target…

    Panel 6 (Bottom of the page)
    We see what he is aiming at – 3 squidbots… They’re in pretty bad shape – patched together and broken weapons/appendages… Each one is looking in a different direction – the pair of “eyes” shows us in which direction they are looking… This is also the 1st shot of the rifle’s Heads-Up Display (HUD) we will see on Page 2 as well… And of course the squidbots, being human-made, uses a slightly modified version of the HUD as well… So using futuristic font I’d like to see at least the following info displayed – Mag-Gun M45. Distance to target – 900m. Elevation – 1983m. Wind Direction SSW – 15 km/h. Temp – 35 degr. Humidity – 90%. And a 3D icon pointing to North. Power Level – 55% and charging. Zoom Level 30x



    Page 2 (5 panels)

    Panel 1 – Top of the page
    Still looking thru the scope, we see him shoot the one he was aiming for! A small entrance point + some damage can be seen… Can be almost an exact copy of the last panel on Page 1, save for the Power Level – it’s down to 49% and charging… There can be a circle on the screen with some text next to it – CP/AI unit targeted

    Panel 2 – Flashback panel
    Show 4 or 5 squidbots, where they were looking new and shiny… More or less the same pose(s) as the ones he was looking through the scope at, just with some additional ones to show there were more of them then… They are near a residential house, which we will soon learn is home to Matt and his family…

    Panel 3
    Back to present day – still looking thru the scope, we see the squidbot explode that he shot! Also some electrical sparks shooting out, showing there’s some serious electrical power in each squidbot… [Can be an almost exact copy of the last panel on Page 1, save for the Power Level – it’s up to 50% and charging…] and Zoom Level 35x

    Panel 4
    Show Matt again – otherwise we don’t have him on Page 2 at all! He’s aiming at them again, close-up of him, his finger visible on the trigger if possible – he’s ready to shoot again…


    Panel 5 - Big panel, bottom of page…
    Still through the scope – he sees the remaining 2 are looking right at him, and coming for him! But there’s something wrong with his gun – displays on HUD – WinUX has encountered an error and needs to restart, please be patient… and it’s Windows bluescreening on the right of the panel…



    Page 3 (5 panels)

    Panel 1 - Big panel, top of the page…
    They get to him! Breaking through the trees, vines and leaves! You can make this a pretty big panel to show the squidbots in better detail – one titbit we might have missed earlier is that one of the squidbots has an energy bladed weapon as an appendage! Show Matt somewhere in the panel – and he’s actually dropped his rifle! Show it halfway towards the ground! And show him reaching into his backup whilst dropping the rifle!

    Panel 2 - Flashback panel
    Flashback to previous attack – 3 or more squids vs. him and his family – wife and 2 kids! He’s dressed in his (still new) soldier’s uniform, carrying a gun, and he is shielding his wife and kids behind him… They’re standing inside a damaged room of their house from Page 2 Panel 2 – the roof and most of the walls have been blown away, facing the squidbots! One of them has an energy-blade weapon all lit up…

    Panel 3
    Back to present day – he’s taken out the same type of energy-blade weapon - it also looks tentacle-like, to show it was scavenged from the very same type of squidbot!

    Panel 4
    He uses it to give the squidbot a “tentacle-cut”! Cuts off all the hanging tentacles!

    Panel 5
    And then he cut through the bot like it was jell-o! Actually cuts an “X” into the robot – from both sides! I’m thinking you can either show the results of the 1st cut, whilst he’s making the 2nd cut? Things are looking pretty good for our main character…! But of course that’s going to change soon…!




    Page 4 (6 panels)

    Panel 1
    Only one left! They face each other - Machine vs Man… It’s on the left, and he’s on the right… Both of them have their energy-blade weapon all lit up as well… It’s hovering a few feet from the ground, its energy-blade tentacle pointed up at Matt. Matt has the energy-blade in one hand, and something else in his other hand, which I’d like to be on the far right of the page. A small box-like object which we’ll later see is a bomb!

    Panel 2
    We see him from the bot’s POV – and on the HUD we see the “man” is actually an android… But the HUD isn’t in English, so the reveal is spared for later – as there is the same circle on the screen with some text next to it – “Rogue unit CP/AI unit located”

    Panel 3
    But then the squidbot thrusts the energy-bladed weapon through him! It actually penetrates his chest and exits on the other side – he is dead!? If possible show that it does not damage the satchel he is still carrying… And show his hand which had been carrying the bomb in Panel 1 is empty! But he’s still clutching his energy blade if possible! I see this panel as the 2 mortal enemies on opposite sides of the panel as on Panel 1, with a red background.

    Panel 4 - flashback panel
    Another flashback– still surrounded by their half-rubble house - he’s captured (and in same position as in Panel 3, but more to the left of the panel) by the squidbots, but his wife+kids are dead, on the right side of the panel! How to show this without seemingly glorifying violence against women and children? They’re in shadows? Or show the outlines of their broken/battered/charred bodies? [Not much better, I know!]

    Panel 5
    Show the bomb attached to the head part of the bot on the right of the page! On the bomb’s display “00:01” is visible!

    Panel 6
    Explosion! [Competition note - couldn’t show the destruction in only one panel any other way?] I could have a shot of the squidbot’s HUD – to show it shattering? And some text of “Explosive Device Detected!”?



    Page 5 (6 panels)

    Panel 1
    Matt gets up! Show the wound in his chest, blood and oil mixing as it runs down his cyborg chest. He is using the energy-blade as crutch/staff to get up… The squidbot is in smoking parts all around him…

    Panel 2
    Close-up of Matt, showing the wound in his chest has closed up/healed! But the soldier’s uniform is still torn, with blood/oil soaking the edges… Show him walking away from the 2 bots – he’s in the foreground, they’re smashed open in the background… And he’s still clutching the satchel close to his “heart”…

    Panel 3
    Finally he gets to where he wanted to go… Three graves in an area of the jungle that has been cleared… Show the names and dates as per character info… If possible show that the graves are actually near their old house, now just overgrown by the reclaiming jungle… And if possible again, show the statue landmark in the far background…

    Panel 4
    He unwraps the satchel - inside are lots of broken CP/AI units he’s extracted… They are branded “ARM Core-X A99 CP/AI” if spaces allows…

    Panel 5
    Close-up on his wife’s grave - He adds the broken robot parts to the pile already on the graves - he is avenging their deaths, one bot at a time…

    Panel 6
    Show Matt walking away from the graves, back towards the jungle – the graves are closest to the reader, then Matt, then the statue landmark visible in the far background…


    THE END

    Alternative ending:
    Panel 6

    Flashback (in red) – “Matt” as the cyborg, killing his old, but now skinless self with a bullet to the head… [Or blade to the heart?] Can be a copy or mirror image of Page 1 Panel 1 to show there is a connection between them… If I could put in a caption, I would’ve put something along the lines of “He was captured, and his skin transferred to a bot… But not just his skin, his consciousness as well… concern for his family as well? Or something like that – still going to re-do this later…
    Last edited by Chris2.0; 06-04-2012 at 09:47 AM.

  2. #32
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    Just some notes on this...

    This was the 4th version of my 9th idea for this writing contest, out of 10 ideas altogether...

    It's also the 1st one where I made a map and a timeline of where and when things happen in the story... Although I only did the map and timeline after the 3rd version of the story, and only got a few ideas that I incorporated into the story... But still, it's only a few minutes work for a short 5 page story, so might be worthwhile for anyone else to try?

    And did thumbnails for most of it as well, helped me a few times to change panel descriptions to make things a bit clearer, or like on Page 2, where I realized the main character isn't seen anywhere on the page? So I changed Panel 4 to show him instead of (still) looking through the scope...

    The story also changed from a lone wanderer being attacked by robots & shooting them, to a lone gunman actively seeking out and destroying them, to the version you see here, with the flashbacks... And I originally had him lose an arm in the battle, and then revealing the severed arm was a robotic one on the last page, but think the "Elektra & Sai through the heart" approach worked better?
    Last edited by Chris2.0; 06-04-2012 at 09:43 AM. Reason: *

  3. #33
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    Hey thanks for the feedback everybody. I just went back and did some minor editing/trimming and it seems to flow way better. That, or I'm just delusional from not sleeping in a couple of days haha. If anyone is down to reread it, feel free to let me know if you feel I've improved it or not.

    @Shaun: Funny you should mention that the story might work better, I'm actually working the concept into a script for a short film :]

  4. #34
    Just some comments:

    A Dept Repaid: I like the action of this story, and the sort of ambiguous nature, as to why they're fighting. My only comments would be regarding page 3, panel 4, there seems to be a lot going on in that panel, could be tough to portray coherently, and on page 5, having the two men standing on the sides of the page might clutter things up, and could take away from the action on the rest of the page. Otherwise, I thought this was an excellent story, and even those are just minor thoughts.

    Fish in the Sea: I honestly have nothing to say about this. I usually try to come up with one or two things, even on scripts I completely liked (see A Debt Repaid as an example), but there is absolutely nothing I would change about this. I thought it was fun and unique and just a great comic. I'll be honest, stories like this are not generally my cup of tea, but it doesn't change how well it was done.

    Satellite 46218: This was a cool concept, and I thought the story was well-told. There were few panel-heavy pages, but I think considering the content of the panels it wouldn't really be much of an issue. I wasn't entirely certain of the layout of each page, I was a little confused at times, and not entirely certain the layout you chose was the best possible. But all in ll, I though it was a neat story.

    Insomniac Pillz: I would have to agree that this was a relatively generic story, and a lot of the description was a bit hard to follow. I could see this being a decent conclusion, like you had mentioned at the beginning, to a standard slasher-type flick. The action could also use some tightening up. I do think making it entirely silent is a good way to add to the tension though.

    Silence: Another amusing story, I love the concept. I might have had a little more buildup myself, but I could be wrong on that. It has a very cartoony vibe to it, or even an old silent movie feel. Again, these sorts of stories are not usually my thing, but it was still done very well. I was a little confused on Page 5 panel 5, when the mime is looking down at Arnold. The panel is from behind him, but we can still see his face? Also in panel 4, it kind of seems like you have Arnold doing several things at once, but I could be misreading. I didn't really feel like there were too many panels, though with some of the bigger actions, it might clutter it up. Otherwise, excellent comic.

    I would Kill for a Hot Dog in Times Square: I enjoyed the concept, but there were a lot of panels here that would simply be impossible to draw. Abstract concepts can't really be drawn, and there are a lot of panels where you seem to have them doing several things in a single panel. A good example would be page 4, panel 2, page 4 panel 5, or page 5 panel 5. Maybe I'm misreading, but it reads as though actions are occurring in these panels that can't be drawn. The story itself was interesting, though.

    What Makes a Man: I like the story, I think it's an interesting world you're creating. I found a lot of the descriptions somewhat confusing, but I felt like I could follow the story well enough. Page 4, panel 2, states that the Squid HUD shows he's an android, but does so in a different language, but then you also have some english in there. I wasn't 100% sure what was going on there. I felt the multiple flashbacks made things a little more confusing as well, but that may just be me. Otherwise, I liked it.

    A lot of really cool stories on this one, I really enjoyed this round.

  5. #35
    @Shaun - I definitely have to admit I was having a hard time ending this one, so I wasn't surprised at your comments. I knew that last page would be weak, but I kinda painted myself into a corner. Thanks for the comments, though

  6. #36
    Lincoln faked his death...there, I said it. [SUPPORTER]
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    Molly's Adventure: The Kidnapping.



    PAGE 1


    Panel 1

    The story begins outside of a brownstone building in the city. It is night and we can see two guys in ski-masks and gloves sneaking around the brownstone. One is a little heavier set and the other is tall and wearing a leather jacket.

    Panel 2

    We see Zach (a child) sleeping with Molly (his dog, a German Shepherd) at the foot of bed.

    Panel 3

    We see the 2 ski-masked thugs kick the bedroom door in.

    Panel 4
    Molly bites into the arm of the tall, leather jacketed thug.

    Panel 5
    The leather jacketed thug shoots Molly (grazing her skull) with a revolver he’s drawn; Molly crumples to the floor but the tears off part of the leather jacket in the process.

    Panel 6
    It’s now later and we see in background, Mom on knees sobbing into her hands; in foreground we see part of a ransom note; the letters have all been cut out of magazines in classic ransom -note style and says:

    IF YOU EVER (and the rest is obscured)

    PAGE 2

    Panel 1

    Back inside, the police are talking to the stressed out mom & dad; Molly is now bandaged and guys with FBI on back of jackets are working and doing various criminal forensics stuff.

    Panel 2

    Molly sniffing the patch she tore out of the leather jacket that the thug was wearing.


    Panel 3

    It is daylight and we see Molly walk out of the brownstone.


    Panel 4

    Molly is now on a highway and walks past an electronic sign that says:

    CHILD ABDUCTED

    Panel 5

    Molly still tracking, now in the bad part of town (hookers, crack dens, etc.)

    Panel 6

    Outside of a run down home, Molly sees tall guy leaving it; the guy has blonde hair, sideburns, crooked nose and he is wearing the same leather jacket as the guy who shot Molly (part of the arm of the jacket is torn off).

    Panel 7

    In the background we see the guy walking away down the street and in the foreground, we see Molly enter through side window.

    PAGE 3

    Panel 1

    In the basement now, in the background we see Molly jump down into the basement and in the foreground we see that the entire floor is covered with plastic sheeting and there’s a couple of lined garbage cans and next to those we see 6 industrial-sized bottles labeled: BLEACH. On top of one of the cans , we see three hand-saws of varying length and thickness.

    There are also stairs going up to the first floor.

    Panel 2

    Molly walking up stairs.

    Panel 3

    Molly looking around corner other and sees the fat thug watching TV.

    Panel 4

    Molly sneaks past him.


    Panel 5

    Molly looking into room and we see Zach, in his now-dirty PJs; both hands are handcuffed around a radiator and his mouth is covered with duct tape, but he is NOT blindfolded. Zach has a black eye and some dried blood around his mouth/nose.

    Panel 6

    Zach sees Molly and smiles and his face completely brightens.

    Panel 7

    Same panel as above but Zach is now screaming in terror.


    PAGE 4

    Panel 1

    We see the fat thug hit Molly with an aluminum softball bat.

    Panel 2

    Looking like a rabid wolf, Molly leaps up and tears out the throat of the fat thug. Lots of blood and gore.

    Panel 3

    Molly grabbing handcuff keys as the guy clutches at his throat which is pouring tremendous amounts of blood.


    Panel 4

    In the doorway we see tall, leather jacket guy with gun drawn. He looks angry and confused.

    Panel 5

    Ripped jacket guy shoots Molly again, this time in the body.

    Panel 6

    Molly bleeding and seemingly lifeless from the many wounds.

    PAGE 5:

    Panel 1

    Ripped jacket guy shoots the fat thug.

    Panel 2

    Ripped jacket about to shoot Zach who looks terrified.

    Panel 3

    Molly leaps up and bites groin of ripped jacket guy, who drops gun in pain/surprise.

    Panel 4

    The leather jacket guy(now terrified) is on the ground with hands in defensive position as Molly lunges.

    Panel 5

    Molly calmly presenting the handcuff keys in mouth to Zach the same way that a dog would be returning a tennis ball, except there’s a tremendous amount of blood dripping from Molly’s jaws.

    Panel 6

    Happy ending outside of the house with Zach and Molly in ambulance with family(everyone smiling) while on the other side of the panel, 2 sheet-covered gurneys are loaded into a county morgue van.

  7. #37
    LOST BUT NOT FORGOTTEN
    PAGE 1
    1. A large Newspaper article is hanging on particle board reading, “90th Anniversary of Missing Cruise Ship”. It’s accompanied by a picture of a cruise liner from the 1920’s.

    2. The morning sun casts a mellow pink in to the sky as a Brunette woman is casting ropes off the bow of her personal power boat.

    3. Inside the cabin, she turns the key. The small table next to her is cluttered with papers and empty coffee mugs. Empty wrappers from meals gone by liter the seats and floor.
    SFX: BRRRRR blum blum blum blum blum

    4. The boat cruises out of the pier slowly. Little wake so as not to distress the docked boats.

    5. Full speed now as she cruises past empty beaches.

    6. She is still close to some shore, passing large plumes of rock that jet out the water.

    7. Now there’s no more land left to see. Just open water. The boat still jamming away across open water at full blast.

    8. A red light is flashing on the panel next to her. An alarm is going off.
    SFX:bloopbloopbloopbloopblopp

    PAGE 2
    1. Checking the depth finder, she looks intently at a large grouping of lights on the radar.

    2. The woman is now in a full scuba out fit with fins on her feet. On her back is an oxygen tank. She is about to put on the mask, but her face is still visible.

    3. She checks the oxygen levels on her wrist. The meter reads completely full.

    4. Underwater, she slowly kicks her way down from the surface.

    5. On her way down, it begins to get darker. She passes a school of small fish and others that are brightly colored and some that aren’t. None of which are big enough to give her any trouble.

    6. Darker still, she now has to turn on her flash light. The water gets murky and the fish get larger.

    7 & 8. (2 panels) Then comes the big reveal of the ship. It’s mostly covered in moss. Fish swim in and out of the windows and out of the large coal stacks. There is a break in the middle of the ship severing it in half. Decks and rooms are only slightly visible through the destruction of the opened hull.

    PAGE 3
    1. Our diver is swimming in to an open stair way that is only partially blocked by debris.

    2. She checks her oxygen level again at three quarters full.

    3. Her flashlight shines on some of the cabins and on to floating corpses still fully dressed in bedroom attire.

    4. Down the hall way, she sees a man in a tuxedo. His face is undamaged by the water, and his hair flows freely above his head. He’s standing in the hallway, not floating. He looks perfectly alive and he’s staring at her.

    5. The woman is taken aback; frightened. Only her eyebrows can be seen raised high on her forehead. She puts up her hand in a startled way and is obviously taken aback.

    6. Looking back the man is gone. Only a dark long hallway.

    7. She looks at her oxygen levels at half left.

    PAGE 4
    1. She continues on to the kitchen. Cooks and servers withered by the water to near skeleton form float amongst the ovens and prep tables.

    2 & 3. The dining room has several long tables. The one closest to her has a group of people sitting there, all like the man before. The table is still nicely arranged with bowls of fruit and trays of meats all sitting in perfect sterling sliver platters. All of the people are dressed in the ballroom wear. They have their hair floating about, their skin is pale, and their eyes are sunken. All of them are smiling and all of them are looking at her.

    4. She is thrown back with fear yet again, but, this time, with more panic in her eyes and body.

    5. She races through the kitchen swimming as fast as she can.

    6. She checks her oxygen levels at a quarter tank left.

    7. She swims in to the hallway, only to find her exit blocked by debris.

    8. She swims though another flight of steps going up ward.

    PAGE 5
    1. At the top of the steps is another long hall way with two large wooden doors at the end of it. There are no other doorways around.

    2 & 3. This is the large and exquisite ballroom. There is not a drop of water in sight. The dance floor has a large chandelier hanging above it. There is a band playing next to it, accompanied by musical notes. The group from before is standing there and looking towards her, though now they all look completely in place. They are still dressed in tuxes and ball gowns. Some of the men still sport the handlebar mustaches. The room has a distinct 20’s feel to it, like it’s been trapped in time. The man in front extends a hand out.

    4. The woman looks down at her self in surprise. She is now wearing a ball gown as well. Her hair is pinned up. A large necklace lays about her neck.

    5. She takes the mans hand.

    6. They walk in to the ballroom and everyone begins to introduce themselves.

    7. Above the waves, the boat floats there alone on an endless sea.

  8. #38

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    Nothing is With Thee

    Bartolomé early twenties, fit and lean but not defined, short, pony tail, almost shoulder length hair, still wearing braces, limited body hair
    JP young, buzz cut, stocky but not fat, clean uniform
    Agnes The intersection between “maternal” and “cherub”: curvy, wide hips, wider smile, gapped teeth, full dimpled cheeks; curly blond hair, pony tail; wears crocs

    Page 1

    P1Pn1 Night: a New England highway passes through a wooded and rocky area. Bartolomé is leaning on guard rail with one hand, waving toward oncoming traffic with the other. We don’t see the car, just Bartolomé covered in light up to his waist. He is half naked and barefoot, wearing only scrub pants. His hospital ID is clipped to his waist, and he’s got a few scratches from stumbling through the woods.


    P1Pn2 A patrol car has stopped next to him.


    P1Pn3 The police officer, JP, has come out of the car and is walking around the front of the vehicle. He has his flashlight in this left hand, and is shining it towards Bartolomé, who is trying to stand up. He has dried vomit trailing down his torso from his mouth.


    P1Pn4 Bartolomé stumbles toward the ground; he’s arms are limp, so extremely disoriented and out of it he can’t react to protect himself.


    P1Pn5 [inset] His forehead almost touching the ground, his fall is stopped.


    P1Pn6 JP caught him, and is now holding him up [Pietŕ.]

    -------------------

    Page 2


    P2Pn1 The patrol car has its sirens flashing as it pulls into the ER lane of the Hospital.


    P2Pn2 JP starts to pull Bartolomé of the backseat. (The grate that separates the front and rear seats is casting a shadow over the men.)


    P2Pn3 [inset] Bartolomé jerks away.


    P2Pn4 Bartolomé is crouched back into the car: his eyes are clearly panicked, but his jaw is slack. He is slurring his words fairly badly.


    P2Pn5 JP squats down in front of the open door.


    P2Pn6 [inset] The officer’s speaking. His face is calm, his eyes serious but not angry.


    P2Pn7 [inset] His hand is outstretched toward the man inside the car.


    P2Pn8 Bartolomé takes his hand.

    -------------------

    Page 3


    P3Pn1 Inside the hospital, JP, and Agnes are laying Bartolomé on a gurney.


    P3Pn2 [inset] Agnes’ gloved hands are filling a syringe


    P3Pn3 JP is holding on to the side of the gurney.


    P3Pn4 Bartolomé grabs the officer’s wrist.

    -------------------

    Page 4


    P4Pn1 The trio, viewed from above, are riding in the elevator.


    P4Pn2 [inset] Bartolomé's hand has a loose grip on JP’s


    P4Pn3 [inset] The hand slackens completely, and falls


    P4Pn4 The doors of the elevator open, light floods in.


    P4Pn5 JP lifts his hand up to protect his eyes


    P4Pn6 [inset] Bartolomé’s pupils have contracted, his brow drips with sweat. He’s paralyzed, but conscious.


    P4Pn7 JP’s face: his hand has drifted down, his jaw has fallen open, eyes are wide.

    -------------------

    Page 5


    P5Pn1 Doctors and med students crowd around a woman with leg in vacuum tube. Her hands are desperately gripping the sheets of her bed. The tube is dark.


    P5Pn2 [inset] The subject's leg is hosting a variety of fungi; a colony of ants has been founded, and a few of its members are crawling on the interior surface of the vacuum tube.


    P5Pn3 Researchers are monitoring the vital stats of a skinless man, suspended in a tank filled with unknown fluids. Straps hold up his arms, and keep his legs apart [Vitruvian man.]


    P5Pn4 JP walks toward the man in the tank.


    P5Pn5 [inset] The officer taps the glass.


    P5Pn6 [inset] The subject suffers a violent paroxysm in response to the stimuli. The head jerks, attempting to escape the vibrations.


    P5Pn7 The officer turns back to Agnes, laughing.


    P5Pn8 Tears are streaming from Bartolomé’s eyes.
    Last edited by tudore; 06-04-2012 at 11:22 PM.
    Scripts & Story Fragments

    Sketchbook

    PUMMEL [M] 11 wins | 23 losses | 7 knockouts

  9. #39
    Some more comments:

    Molly's Adventure: Another cool story, definitely wasn't expecting this to be so brutal at first. Like Homeward Bound meets Pulp Fiction. There was a point where you mentioned the kid was screaming, even though you'd just established his mouth was taped. Also, I would think, kidnapping a small child in the middle of the night, you'd want to be a little quieter than kicking in a door. And shooting a gun would definitely raise more ruckus than a kidnapper would be willing to risk. Also the dog seems a bit superhuman (supercanine?), taking a bullet the way it did towards the end there. Was that intentional or is she just supposed to be very lucky? Anyway, decent story, I enjoyed it.

    Lost but Not Forgotten: This was a pretty cool sort-of ghost story. I liked the slow reveal, I thought the pacing was pretty good. My only comment would be that you have a lot of panels here, your pages are mostly 8 panels each, and that's going to be tough to draw, especially with everything that's going on. I would definitely suggest cutting down on the panel count. Otherwise it was a cool story.

    Nothing is with Thee: I have to be honest, I wasn't entirely certain what was going on here. Some kind of experiments? Was the cop in on it? A little confusing, but the silent format can do that. whatever it was, it seemed pretty interesting. My only other issue was page 5, which seemed kind of cluttered at 8 panels.

    That's all I got!

  10. #40
    Lincoln faked his death...there, I said it. [SUPPORTER]
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