Yet another script - have a look

**Ermol** · 05-10-2012, 04:36 PM

http://www.penciljack.com/forum/show...raise-welcome-)

moved here

**Ermol** · 05-10-2012, 04:59 PM

Oh, and if anyone wants to draw a character or a scene out of this, let me know. I have like pages of character designs with no one to design them.

**Ermol** · 05-11-2012, 02:57 PM

Yeah, I have made some edits since the original post. It was initially meant to be a 4-page action scene. However, I lost my mind for a while there, and concocted the monstrosity you see above. Now I have to figure out how the hell I am going to organically fit it in with the main plot (which is about a cold war era experiment), of which there is no reference whatsoever in what you see above!

**InkedT** · 05-12-2012, 07:35 AM

Wow that is a long fight scene. For the most part it's pretty well written, just too long. But I think you know that.
You can shorten it by going through it and getting rid of unnecessary panels and combining others. Maybe when
the heroes jump out of the jet make that whole page a splash page.
Also you have one character named Phil and another who the heroes refer to as Phillip. That got a little confusing.
Be ruthless when you edit it. Anything nonessential has to go.
After that rework the dialogue and change anything that seems unnatural or overly cheesey. I really like the banter in
thecockpit between Jai and Phil.

**Ermol** · 05-12-2012, 08:01 AM

Thanks mate!

Phillip was a typo, it was late at night, meant to be Paul (i.e. Torrent)

And yeah, after I posted it, I reread it and was up to my ears in cheese! In this case I was rushing with the dialogue, and concentrating more on the action.

**InkedT** · 05-12-2012, 11:04 AM

I always do that with dialogue when I write. I just let my characters say whatever comes to mind and then fix it the next couple of drafts. Usually the first lines to come out for me are pure cheese and then I refine them to be more natural and realistic.

I'm still working on the first 24 page issue of my story. When it's done I'll post it and you can have your chance to rip my stuff apart. LOL.

**rralph** · 05-12-2012, 10:26 PM

i think that it does need to be shortened a bit cause the fight scenes may have taken too much part on your story so i hope you ca edit that or maybe mash up some parts to some panels to shorten it a bit, it does get dragging at some point when its too long. i guess you should just try putting more actions than words to it to minimize your pages although all in all i really liked the story and you did a good job!

**Ermol** · 05-14-2012, 02:43 PM

@ InkedT
I saw the story but I am yet to read it.

@ everyone
It was really annoying. I have cut down the No of pages by One! Uno, Singular, Ein, Один. And worst of all I found out that in the first draft I have typed "page 11" twice, so in reality I have ended up with as many pages as I thought I had!

Still, I have moved forward with the rest of the story, so it's progress, will post an update when I'm happy