View Poll Results: Which story was your favorite ? - Remember, don't vote for yourselves

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  • "Evaluation" by Barrytown83

    1 20.00%
  • "TAROT-CON" by Jwall

    1 20.00%
  • "Blindspot" by Tudore

    1 20.00%
  • "This is what I remember…" by Chris2.0

    1 20.00%
  • On The Set Of “MacQuarries’ Justice” (season 3, episode 8: “Casual Sunday”)" by CBikle

    1 20.00%
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Thread: Writing Contest #76 "The Bechdel Test"

  1. #11
    Neophyte
    Join Date
    Mar 2007
    Location
    Dandridge, TN
    Posts
    65
    Sorry. Spent too much time on the Marvel/DC contest and trying to score a date for the Avengers movie this weekend. Gonna have to sit this one out.

  2. #12
    TAROT-CON

    PAGE 1
    1. An African American woman in her late 40’s is standing in front of a large group of people. She is heavy set. She’s wearing a sarong and a head band that pulls back her hair showing only the grey on sides. The audience consists of mostly women wearing either tie-die or wolves on their shirts.
    TERRY: I’ve got time for one last one. It’s bringing me heart pains and it‘s a man. Does someone in this room have a father or a brother that died of a heart problem.

    2. Several people raise their hands. Terry closes her eyes.
    TERRY: This person’s name starts with an “M”. A Mike or Mitch or Mel.

    3. Two people keep their hands up. She points to the one closer to her, an older woman in her sixties.
    TERRY: And who is this to you.
    CROWD MEMBER: My Uncle Mark. He died last year of a heart attack.

    4. The lady begins to cry. The woman next to her, who is also crying, goes to give her a hug.
    TERRY: He wants you to know he loves you and he is so thankful that you’re watching over his daughter.
    Thank you all for coming.

    5 & 6 (2 panels)- A large hall way running through a convention center. Several stands are partnered next to each other. One has a thin man with a wispy grey beard and a tie-die shirt selling crystals of varying colors and sizes,. The next stall is a make shift Tee-Pee with a Native American woman. A sign says “Bone Reading 10 minutes=$40”. Next to them is a large woman selling books. Across from them is a young, thin man with pictures of people’s faces surrounded by color. His sign reads “Picture of your aura, $30”. There is an older couple next to him with a sign stating “ Passed lives reading.” The hallway is filled, like any market, but all others become indistinguishable.

    PAGE 2
    1. Terry walks on. She see’s a medium named “Raven” who is much older and well over weight. She is dressed in black with a tall witches hat. She looks bonkers, for lack of a better word.

    2. She passes a young woman on a table. There is a Chinese man pulling on her arm with his foot in her armpit. His sign reads. “Chakras alignment here”

    3. Terry passes a young woman in her early thirties sitting a table alone. She’s got died black hair and too much eyeliner. You can tell she‘s pushing the goth angle. Her sign simply says “Psychic Reading.”
    VIRGINIA: I assure you I am not a fraud, Ms. Wilkinson. Or should I call you Madam Hartha?”

    4. Terry sits down smiling, but slightly embarrassed. Virginia is straight faced begins to shuffle her tarot cards.
    TERRY: Terry is fine. I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to pry. It’s just that you meet so many charlatans at these things.
    VIRGINIA: You didn’t pry. I did. My name is Virginia. You come to these things often?
    TERRY: Once or twice a year, maybe. It’s the few times I can get out and make some money. with the gift. Slim living unless you’re one of those that’s lucky enough to get a radio show.
    VIRGINIA: Or you end up like Edward Johns.

    5. Virginia looks up as she’s dealing cards on to the table. Virginia is still smiling and watches Viriginia closely.
    TERRY: How about you?
    VIRGINIA: Haven’t been doing it for more than about five years.
    TERRY: Being psychic never seemed like much help to others. You’re just telling others what they already know.
    VIRGINIA: You’d be surprised at what people hide from themselves.

    6. There’s a woman standing next to Virginia off to the side a bit. This woman is dressed in a hospital gown. Her hair is stringy and unkempt. Her eyes bulge with an intensity and her lips are thin and blue.
    TERRY: So who is that you’ve got with you?
    VIRGINIA: Who do you mean?
    TERRY: Tall, 6’4’’ maybe. Long thin, hair. Big eyes and a crazy ass look on her face.

    PAGE 3
    1. Virginia stands and puts a “Out to Lunch” card on her table.
    VIRGINIA: I’m sorry, Terry. This was a terrible idea. I should’ve known a psychic and a medium can’t keep secrets from each other.
    TERRY: Wait.

    2. Virginia disappears. Terry stands there confused. The crowd milling around her.

    3. Next to the doorway for the stairwell, Terry sees the woman in the hospital gown. She’s pointing towards the door.

    4. Terry walks through the door of the rooftop.
    TERRY: Nice trick, lady. So you’re more than a psychic. Was that a little test to see if I was for real as well?

    5. Virginia is sitting at the edge of the roof looking out to the city. She is holding her hand out and Terry holds her hand.
    VIRGINIA: It wasn’t a test really. I just can’t seem to breathe in there. It just gets to be too…loud. Come and take my hand, I’ll show you what you want to know.

    PAGE 4
    1. The woman in the hospital gown is sitting and looking out of a window. Bars line the window to block any sort of escape. Her face is passive and distant.
    CAPTION: Her name is Marlo. I met her at a state hospital in the psych ward five years ago. I went after a severe bout of depression caused by my divorce.

    2. The two of them are walking along the path through the courtyard next to a fountain.
    CAPTION: Marlo told me she came after her husband committed a double suicide with his mistress. Rumor had it that she did more than just find the bodies. In any case, it was nice to have a friend…for both of us.

    3. A hospital worker is closing the door to her room. Marlo is curled up on the bed in fear. She’s gripping the covers white knuckled.
    CAPTION: Abuses were pretty regular in these types of places. I remember that one night, a worker had tried to make his way with her.

    4. (Shot from the waist up) The worker is looking down at himself. He’s crying/screaming in pain. His scrubs are still on and his stomach is completely covered in blood. His hands are working below frame at the origin of his wound below his stomach.
    CAPTION: That’s when I began to understand the extent of it. Not only could she read people. But when her emotions took over, she could make people do…things..awful things.

    5. Marlo is kissing Virginia on the cheek with her hand on Virgina’s cheek.
    CAPTION: A couple months later, she decided she couldn’t handle it anymore. The guilt, the power. She gave me her powers that day with a kiss. And all she said was…
    MARLO: Do you think God will forgive me?

    6. Marlo holds a butcher’s knife to her throat. Her eyes are wide with a fear and intensity.

    PAGE 5
    1. Virginia and Terry sitting on the roof. Virginia’ s face is full of sorrow while Terry’s is astonished.
    VIRGINIA: She must’ve got one of the workers to bring her the knife, I guess. For the last five years, I’ve had the ability to read people and a few other parlor tricks, but it’s not as strong. Not like hers.

    2. Terry is standing and pulling Virginia up by her arm.
    VIRGINIA: I can still hear her like a whisper. Like a radio station that’s not quite tuned to the station. Death is turning her in to something …darker.
    TERRY: This is isn’t over for her. This cnnection you have with her is keeping her here. I know we’ve just met, Virginia, but I want you to trust me. I know some people and, together, we can help release Marlo in to the afterlife.

    3. Back to the convention. It’s after closing and the stalls are cleared out. The lights are dimmed and there are candles surrounding a table. Virginia is lying down on the table. Terry is squeezing Virginia‘s hand and looking in to her eyes. Another psychic is placing large crystals on her body. There is a small group of other psychics holding hands surrounding them.
    VIRGINIA: You know, it was Marlo’s idea to come here. Maybe she knew that you’d be here to help her.
    TERRY: Shhh, shhh, shhh. That’s very sweet dear, but I need you to relax and clear your mind.

    4. The group is chanting. Terry is rubbing the temples of Virginia.
    CROWD: Oh Gracious mother of the night.
    CROWD: Give this spirit back to the light.

    5. The group is chanting louder. The flame on the candles is growing larger.
    CROWD: OH GRACIOUS MOTHER OF NIGHT!
    CROWD: GIVE THIS SPIRIT BACK TO LIGHT!

    6. Then darkness.
    TERRY: Virginia? How do you feel?

    7. Terry holds a match up and you can only see Terry and Virginia’s faces.
    VIRGINIA: Sorry dear, Virginia’s not here anymore. Might I say you exceeded my expectations. Strange things happen to you when you’re dead. You‘ll see. Now go fetch me a knife from the cafeteria.

  3. #13
    TAROT-CON

    PAGE 1
    1. An African American woman in her late 40’s is standing in front of a large group of people. She is heavy set. She’s wearing a sarong and a head band that pulls back her hair showing only the grey on sides. The audience consists of mostly women wearing either tie-die or wolves on their shirts.
    TERRY: I’ve got time for one last one. It’s bringing me heart pains and it‘s a man. Does someone in this room have a father or a brother that died of a heart problem.

    2. Several people raise their hands. Terry closes her eyes.
    TERRY: This person’s name starts with an “M”. A Mike or Mitch or Mel.

    3. Two people keep their hands up. She points to the one closer to her, an older woman in her sixties.
    TERRY: And who is this to you.
    CROWD MEMBER: My Uncle Mark. He died last year of a heart attack.

    4. The lady begins to cry. The woman next to her, who is also crying, goes to give her a hug.
    TERRY: He wants you to know he loves you and he is so thankful that you’re watching over his daughter.
    Thank you all for coming.

    5 & 6 (2 panels)- A large hall way running through a convention center. Several stands are partnered next to each other. One has a thin man with a wispy grey beard and a tie-die shirt selling crystals of varying colors and sizes,. The next stall is a make shift Tee-Pee with a Native American woman. A sign says “Bone Reading 10 minutes=$40”. Next to them is a large woman selling books. Across from them is a young, thin man with pictures of people’s faces surrounded by color. His sign reads “Picture of your aura, $30”. There is an older couple next to him with a sign stating “ Passed lives reading.” The hallway is filled, like any market, but all others become indistinguishable.

    PAGE 2
    1. Terry walks on. She see’s a medium named “Raven” who is much older and well over weight. She is dressed in black with a tall witches hat. She looks bonkers, for lack of a better word.

    2. She passes a young woman on a table. There is a Chinese man pulling on her arm with his foot in her armpit. His sign reads. “Chakras alignment here”

    3. Terry passes a young woman in her early thirties sitting a table alone. She’s got died black hair and too much eyeliner. You can tell she‘s pushing the goth angle. Her sign simply says “Psychic Reading.”
    VIRGINIA: I assure you I am not a fraud, Ms. Wilkinson. Or should I call you Madam Hartha?”

    4. Terry sits down smiling, but slightly embarrassed. Virginia is straight faced begins to shuffle her tarot cards.
    TERRY: Terry is fine. I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to pry. It’s just that you meet so many charlatans at these things.
    VIRGINIA: You didn’t pry. I did. My name is Virginia. You come to these things often?
    TERRY: Once or twice a year, maybe. It’s the few times I can get out and make some money. with the gift. Slim living unless you’re one of those that’s lucky enough to get a radio show.
    VIRGINIA: Or you end up like Edward Johns.

    5. Virginia looks up as she’s dealing cards on to the table. Virginia is still smiling and watches Viriginia closely.
    TERRY: How about you?
    VIRGINIA: Haven’t been doing it for more than about five years.
    TERRY: Being psychic never seemed like much help to others. You’re just telling others what they already know.
    VIRGINIA: You’d be surprised at what people hide from themselves.

    6. There’s a woman standing next to Virginia off to the side a bit. This woman is dressed in a hospital gown. Her hair is stringy and unkempt. Her eyes bulge with an intensity and her lips are thin and blue.
    TERRY: So who is that you’ve got with you?
    VIRGINIA: Who do you mean?
    TERRY: Tall, 6’4’’ maybe. Long thin, hair. Big eyes and a crazy ass look on her face.

    PAGE 3
    1. Virginia stands and puts a “Out to Lunch” card on her table.
    VIRGINIA: I’m sorry, Terry. This was a terrible idea. I should’ve known a psychic and a medium can’t keep secrets from each other.
    TERRY: Wait.

    2. Virginia disappears. Terry stands there confused. The crowd milling around her.

    3. Next to the doorway for the stairwell, Terry sees the woman in the hospital gown. She’s pointing towards the door.

    4. Terry walks through the door of the rooftop.
    TERRY: Nice trick, lady. So you’re more than a psychic. Was that a little test to see if I was for real as well?

    5. Virginia is sitting at the edge of the roof looking out to the city. She is holding her hand out and Terry holds her hand.
    VIRGINIA: It wasn’t a test really. I just can’t seem to breathe in there. It just gets to be too…loud. Come and take my hand, I’ll show you what you want to know.

    PAGE 4
    1. The woman in the hospital gown is sitting and looking out of a window. Bars line the window to block any sort of escape. Her face is passive and distant.
    CAPTION: Her name is Marlo. I met her at a state hospital in the psych ward five years ago. I went after a severe bout of depression caused by my divorce.

    2. The two of them are walking along the path through the courtyard next to a fountain.
    CAPTION: Marlo told me she came after her husband committed a double suicide with his mistress. Rumor had it that she did more than just find the bodies. In any case, it was nice to have a friend…for both of us.

    3. A hospital worker is closing the door to her room. Marlo is curled up on the bed in fear. She’s gripping the covers white knuckled.
    CAPTION: Abuses were pretty regular in these types of places. I remember that one night, a worker had tried to make his way with her.

    4. (Shot from the waist up) The worker is looking down at himself. He’s crying/screaming in pain. His scrubs are still on and his stomach is completely covered in blood. His hands are working below frame at the origin of his wound below his stomach.
    CAPTION: That’s when I began to understand the extent of it. Not only could she read people. But when her emotions took over, she could make people do…things..awful things.

    5. Marlo is kissing Virginia on the cheek with her hand on Virgina’s cheek.
    CAPTION: A couple months later, she decided she couldn’t handle it anymore. The guilt, the power. She gave me her powers that day with a kiss. And all she said was…
    MARLO: Do you think God will forgive me?

    6. Marlo holds a butcher’s knife to her throat. Her eyes are wide with a fear and intensity.

    PAGE 5
    1. Virginia and Terry sitting on the roof. Virginia’ s face is full of sorrow while Terry’s is astonished.
    VIRGINIA: She must’ve got one of the workers to bring her the knife, I guess. For the last five years, I’ve had the ability to read people and a few other parlor tricks, but it’s not as strong. Not like hers.

    2. Terry is standing and pulling Virginia up by her arm.
    VIRGINIA: I can still hear her like a whisper. Like a radio station that’s not quite tuned to the station. Death is turning her in to something …darker.
    TERRY: This is isn’t over for her. This cnnection you have with her is keeping her here. I know we’ve just met, Virginia, but I want you to trust me. I know some people and, together, we can help release Marlo in to the afterlife.

    3. Back to the convention. It’s after closing and the stalls are cleared out. The lights are dimmed and there are candles surrounding a table. Virginia is lying down on the table. Terry is squeezing Virginia‘s hand and looking in to her eyes. Another psychic is placing large crystals on her body. There is a small group of other psychics holding hands surrounding them.
    VIRGINIA: You know, it was Marlo’s idea to come here. Maybe she knew that you’d be here to help her.
    TERRY: Shhh, shhh, shhh. That’s very sweet dear, but I need you to relax and clear your mind.

    4. The group is chanting. Terry is rubbing the temples of Virginia.
    CROWD: Oh Gracious mother of the night.
    CROWD: Give this spirit back to the light.

    5. The group is chanting louder. The flame on the candles is growing larger.
    CROWD: OH GRACIOUS MOTHER OF NIGHT!
    CROWD: GIVE THIS SPIRIT BACK TO LIGHT!

    6. Then darkness.
    TERRY: Virginia? How do you feel?

    7. Terry holds a match up and you can only see Terry and Virginia’s faces.
    VIRGINIA: Sorry dear, Virginia’s not here anymore. Might I say you exceeded my expectations. Strange things happen to you when you’re dead. You‘ll see. Now go fetch me a knife from the cafeteria.

  4. #14
    Cbikle- I hope you enjoy the throw back.

  5. #15

    Join Date
    Dec 2011
    Location
    Beijing, China
    Posts
    1,892
    Blog Entries
    1
    Blindspot

    Cassandra second-generation Mexican American, light skinned; black hair; green eyes; curvy/average build [halfway between rectangle and hour-glass body types]; talks with her hands; 24

    Eris Former New England Cross Country running star: tan, all bones and lean muscle; blonde, hazel eyes; looks like the lovechild of Hilary Clinton and Martha Stewart; wears six different rings, all old-world style; 25

    Page 1
    P1.PN1 Overhead view of the living room in a small studio apartment. CASSANDRA and ERIS are sitting at their own desks. ERIS is looking forward at the wall; CASSANDRA’s turned her head to look at her roommate.
    ERIS It was me


    P1.PN2 Close on CASSANDRA: on hand is on her desk, the other hand is raised in the air, palm up.
    CASSANDRA $21 thou- whe…


    P1.PN3 Looking at CASSANDRA from over ERIS’ shoulder. CASSANDRA’s looking at ERIS cockeyed.
    CASSANDRA Where did you get that money?


    P1.PN4 View of ERIS over CASSANDRA’s shoulder. ERIS is staring at her desk, her hands have a tight grip on her knees.
    ERIS You were going to ask why I was able to pick up more of the rent.
    ERIS So, I decided to raise the issue myself.


    P1.PN5 Looking at the women from behind, slightly low angle.
    ERIS I’ll give you a choice:
    ERIS Legally, it’s better if you don’t know: plausible deniability.


    P1.PN6 Close on ERIS, from the front. She’s tilted her head to the side, her eyes are closed. Her eyebrows are slightly raised.
    ERIS However, knowing you, you won’t accept my help after hearing that.


    P1.PN7 ERIS is now facing CASSANDRA, looking her in the eye for the first time since she started talking.
    ERIS So, I can tell you, or I can leave. The cash has already been disbursed to your bank, so you’ll be graduating debt free no matter what you do.


    P1.PN8 Embedded panel: Close on ERIS’s wry smile.
    ERIS In the worst case scenario, it’s my parting gift.


    Page 2

    P2.PN1 Profile of CASSANDRA staring blankly at ERIS.

    P2.PN2 Focus on CASSANDRA, face blank.
    CASSANDRA You should have told me earlier.


    PN2.PN3 CASSANDRA leans forward, and puts a hand on ERIS’s shoulder.
    CASSANDRA Whatever it is, I will help you get out of it.


    P2.PN4 ERIS’s rests on hand on top of CASSANDRA’s. Her eyes are closed; she’s smiling slightly.
    ERIS One, I don’t want to get out.
    ERIS Two, there’s no way out now that I’m in.


    P2.PN5 ERIS has stood up, CASSANDRA is staring up at her with a pleading expression.
    CASSANDRA People at the clinic say that all the time, but I’ve seen…


    Page 3
    P3.PN1 CASSANDRA’s POV: ERIS has disappeared.

    P3.PN2 FOCUS on CASSANDRA: her jaw has hit the floor. ERIS is now behind her.

    P3.PN3 ERIS places a hand on CASSANDRA’s shoulder -

    P3.PN4 CASSANDRA flails wildly in the direction where the hand seemed to come from.
    CASSANDRA FAAAA-


    P3.PN4 ERIS, doubled over, standing behind CASSANDRA
    ERIS Mmfhahaha


    P3.PN5 CASSANDRA has swirled around in her chair, and is now facing ERIS. She is fuming.
    Cassandra That’s not ****ing funny.


    P3.PN6 ERIS looks down at CASSANDRA, perfectly relaxed.

    P3.PN7 CASSANDRA narrows her eyes at ERIS, pointing at her.
    Cassandra And that’s not an answer, that’s the how, not the where.


    Page 4
    P4.PN1 ERIS tucks her hair behind her ears.

    P4.PN2 ERIS bends down to talk to CASSANDRA, leaning slightly on the desk and gesturing with her free hand.
    ERIS Don’t worry, it’s all from petty cash boxes different corporate offices, banks, and the bourgeois.


    P4.PN3 Close on ERIS as she inspects her nails; she's now sitting on CASSANDRA's desk.
    ERIS I’m not getting a Starbucks cashier fired by taking from her register, if that’s what you’re thinking.


    P4.PN4 Close on ERIS. Her eyes are closed, her head tilted toward her shoulder.
    ERIS No one I take money from will miss it. It’s trivial to them: more change in their couch cushions.


    P4.PN5 Profile view of ERIS and CASSANDRA. ERIS has opened her eyes and is staring seriously at CASSANDRA, who's brow is now furrowed and is looking angrily up at her.
    ERIS But it’s survival for us.
    Last edited by tudore; 05-07-2012 at 12:39 AM.
    Scripts & Story Fragments

    Sketchbook

    PUMMEL [M] 11 wins | 23 losses | 7 knockouts

  6. #16
    [SUPPORTER]
    Join Date
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    South Africa
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    And here's mine...

    Title: This is what I remember…

    Synopsis:
    A conversation between 2 women – seems at first to be a therapy session… Then the conversation turns darker - the patient feels something is not right? The woman talking to her is not really her therapist? What is happening? Why can’t she remember? Why can’t she move? Then the link breaks… And we see the truth… She’s been shot & now in a hospital bed, comatose, the “therapist” is a telepath who had to dig into her mind to get the ID of the shooter… She goes into her mind again - to see who the shooter is… As she is the best at what she does…
    And page breakdown:


    Page 1 - The therapist and Portia are talking – but then Portia gets agitated… As she can’t seem to remember – memory loss? Shattered last panel indicates the link breaking…

    Page 2 - We see Iris, the telepath… They are in the room next to Portia’s. She recounts what happened…

    Page 3 - They go over the crime scene photos, as well as pics of the characters – the boyfriend, the senator and the therapist.

    Page 4 - She goes into her mind again – explains the situation and asks her permission to go into her mind to see who the shooter is…

    Page 5 - She sees/hears and feels what happened to Portia! And she did see who shot her! But then the twist – she changes the identity of the shooter!
    Characters:
    Therapist – Bette Midler from What Women Want - Dr. J.M. Perkins
    Portia Hershlag - Evey from V for Vendetta
    Telepath/Iris - female lead from Inception
    Senator Morrey Micheals & Meir Stevens - Governor and male lead from Ides of March
    Boss – Len Nimoy from Trek / Fringe – Bill Williams

    Surroundings:
    Takes place in:
    1. A therapist’s office (Ref here http://www.hotflick.net/flicks/2000_...Midler_001.jpg to 000WWW_Bette_Midler_004.jpg)
    2. A non-descript hotel room, blinds drawn, so low light levels…
    3. A small hospital ward, with only one bed in it. Pretty well/normally lit, lots of white.
    4. A single young woman’s apartment lounge / TV room area that has been ransacked in what looks like a robbery gone wrong - CD’s/DVD’s strewn all over the place, the wall mounted flat screen TV is hanging on by the cables from where it was ripped out. The chairs and sofas also tipped over – all signs of a struggle…
    General Note – Panels on P 1, 4 - 5 have a different edge to them from the ones in P 2-3, to also show it takes place in different “realities”



    SCRIPT:

    Page 1 (6 panels)

    Panel 1 (top quarter or so of the page)


    Start in a plush therapist’s office – ref Bette Midler character from What Women Want. Ref here http://www.hotflick.net/flicks/2000_...Midler_001.jpg to 000WWW_Bette_Midler_004.jpg

    Speech – Therapist: “Portia, thank you for seeing me today…“
    Linked Speech – Therapist: “Now tell me what seems to be troubling you?”

    Caption - Therapist (right side of panel) - I am a telepath, and can go into your mind when you can’t talk… [And then captions of her boss/team in diff font/colour.]


    Panel 2 (Slim panel down the left side of the page)

    Then show Portia, lying down on the couch. She is facing us, both arms next to her body (the same pose will be later shown in hospital, so please try to get them both to look more or less the same.) Portia seems to not feel at ease -

    Speech – Portia: “Is there something wrong? Something feels wrong…”

    Caption – Therapist: “Like now – 23 year old female gunshot victim…
    Caption – Therapist: “I am usually the best at what I do…”


    Panel 3 (Next to previous panel, stacked on top of Panel 4)

    Back to the therapist – she is pressing on… As in the movie reference, she is sitting next to the top end of the couch in a chair. So top of couch visible in a shot from the side, as well as the therapist straight on.

    Speech – Therapist: “No, nothing is wrong…”


    Caption – Therapist: “but not today it seems – the bullet may have been removed from her chest...”


    Panel 4 (To the right of Panel 2, below Panel 3)

    Portia again, getting agitated & tears start flowing…

    Speech – Portia: “Everything is wrong here… “
    Linked Speech – Portia: “And you’re not really my doctor are you?”

    Caption – Therapist: “But she knows something is amiss…”


    Panel 5 (Bottom left of page)

    Portia crying… Then she breaks down

    Speech – Portia: “How did I get here? Why can’t I move?


    Panel 6 (Bottom right of page)

    In this panel we see the therapist again, but half of the panel shatters to the right, white space behind it… But in shattered pieces of the therapist’s face, we see Iris’ face… To show they were in a dream!


    Page 2 (5 panels)

    Panel 1 (Top left of the screen)


    Iris sits up in her chair, a few wires attached to her head and body to monitor vitals. Sweating and agitated - she comes out of the mind-dive with a start. The blinds are closed, so low light levels. The chair she’s sitting in is aimed towards the windows. Behind her a PC screen with her vital signs are visible…


    Panel 2 (Top right of the screen)

    Pulling back, we see more of the room she is in - there is camera equipment and PC screens around her, and 2 people working the machines. There are 2 sets of screens showing vitals –hers and Portia’s. They are tapping off Portia’s life support system. Best way to ID them is to mark the one on the left Portia and the one on the right Iris…


    Panel 3 (Middle of page)

    Focus on the one person – he’s pointing to a screen – showing a zoomed in view of Portia from Page 1, but this time in hospital, in bed, eyes closed, with bandages wrapped around her chest/arm. They’re in a room directly opposite the hospital room Portia is in

    Speech – Boss: “She’s stabilising again at least…”


    Panel 4 (Bottom left of page)

    She rubs her eyes as she recounts what happened.

    Speech – Iris: “I created the office of her therapist in her mind, and we were inside that.”
    Linked Speech – Iris: “But she could feel something was wrong.”
    Linked Speech – Iris: “I have to go back…”

    Panel 5 (Bottom right of page)

    Iris’ boss is sitting by a desk, Iris is on the left side of the panel, only half of her body visible in the panel… In the screen behind him, we can have a copy of Page 3 Panel 1, instead of a close-up of Portia…

    Speech – Boss: “OK”
    Linked Speech – Boss: “But before you do, go over the crime scene again…”





    Page 3 (6 panels – in 2x3 grid)

    Panel 1


    Show a photo of the crime scene – room messed up. It’s a lounge / TV room setup – but CD’s DVD’s strewn all over the place, the wall mounted flat screen TV is hanging on by the cables from where it was ripped out. The chairs and sofas also tipped over – all signs of a struggle…

    Speech – off-panel: “She was shot and left to bleed out…”


    Panel 2

    Another view of the crime scene – focusing on a very large puddle of dried blood on the carpet…

    Speech – off-panel: “But she was found & bought here.”


    Panel 3

    Then show the suspect - Meir Stevens – in a pic with Portia… Typical facebook-y kind of couple pic…

    Speech – off-panel: “Main suspect turned out to be her boyfriend Meir Stevens”



    Panel 4

    And show who wants the killer caught – Senator Morrey Micheals

    Speech – off-panel: “Senator Morrey Micheals – he’s the one who put up the reward…”



    Panel 5

    Also show the therapist – Dr JM Perkins.

    Speech – off-panel: “Good call on using her old therapist.”



    Panel 6

    So she wants to… has to go back in… She has to find out… Close-up of Iris again.

    Speech – Iris: “Hook me back in…” [She is a telepath, not using a PASIV device…]



    Page 4 (5 panels)

    Panel 1 (Slim panel down the left side of the page)


    Copy of Page 1 almost – we are back with her… Inside the therapist’s office again, this time showing Portia, still lying down on the couch, but now she knows something is wrong…

    Speech – Portia: “Something…”
    Linked Speech – Portia: “What happened to me?“

    Panel 2 (Next to panel 1, on top of panel 3)

    Then close-up on Bette/Iris - split-panel to show she changes into Iris.

    Speech – Bette/Iris: “Yes… And I am here to find out who tried to kill you…”
    Linked Speech – Bette/Iris: “Senator Michaels hired us to find out who did this to you…”

    Panel 3 (Also next to panel 1, below panel 2)

    Iris, near her, next to her on the couch.

    Speech – Iris: “But you will have to allow me into your mind Portia…”
    Linked Speech – Iris: “That’s the only way I can find out…”

    Panel 4 (Also next to panel 1, below panel 3)

    Close-up on Portia’s face as says yes…

    Speech – Portia: “OK…”


    Panel 5 (Taking up bottom of page)

    The dive - either show her shrinking into a 3D representation of Portia’s brain, or diving into a sea of her memories…



    Page 5 (6 panels)

    Panel 1 (Top of page)


    Iris is in Portia mind… Show Iris in the room as per crime scene pics – but with Portia and someone visible behind her. But the identity of the person is still in shadows… But it almost looks as if they are faded – as in faded memories?

    SFX – BANG!

    Caption – Iris: “She feels the impact of the bullet…”


    Panel 2 (Below panel 1, next to Panels 3 & 4)

    Portia is spun around, even as she falls and sees the smoking gun

    Caption – Iris: “It spins her around…”


    Panel 3 (Below panel 1, next to Panels 2 & 4)

    Her gaze goes up after focusing on the gun… We see the killer from the neck down…

    Caption – Iris: “And the shooter is…”


    Panel 4 (Below panel 1, next to Panels 2 & 3)

    Finally we see the face… And the would-be killer - it’s the boyfriend!!

    Caption – Iris: “Her boyfriend…”


    Panel 5 (Big panel, bottom left of page)


    Iris stops time – freezing on the boyfriend… So close-up of the boyfriend, smoking gun still visible in his hands…

    Caption – Iris: “But not for long…”

    Caption – Iris: “I change memories to suit me or my employers.”


    Panel 6 (Big panel, bottom right of page)

    Iris erases the boyfriend, replaces him with senator. So an almost exact copy of previous panel, just the face and shirt/tie changes…

    Caption – Iris: “I dissolve the memory of her therapist’s office - she will only remember this implant.”

    Caption – Iris: “I work for the highest bidder, and the senator has made some pretty powerful enemies…”

    Caption – Iris: “And with the DNA evidence switched, the senator will be out of the race for good…”


    THE END

    And here's the original idea if anyone is interested:

    A conversation between 2 women – seems at first to be a therapy session… Then the conversation turns darker, and we find out one of them is actually in a coma… And the other one is a semi-telepath who had to dig into her mind to get the ID of the murderer… The victim feels something is not right? The woman talking to her is not really her therapist? What is happening? Why can’t she remember? Why can’t she move? Then she breaks the link… And we see the truth… She’s in a hospital bed, comatose, and the “therapist” is hooked up to a machine… And she has to dive back in… As she is the best at what she does… She goes into her mind again - to see who is the killer… But then the twist – she changes the identity of the killer! To that of the senator! She dives back out… And with the DNA evidence switched, the senator will be out of the race…
    Last edited by Chris2.0; 05-08-2012 at 07:28 AM.

  7. #17
    Lincoln faked his death...there, I said it. [SUPPORTER]
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    On The Set Of “MacQuarries’ Justice” (season 3, episode 8: “Casual Sunday”)

    PAGE 1

    Panel 1 (big panel)
    The story starts on the set of the popular cable-tv show, MacQuarrie’s Justice. The shooting location is one of those trendy, faux-European open-air cafe-restaurants with all the chairs and tables outside on the sidewalk filled with extras.

    Beyond the “set”, we see cameras, production staff, fixed lighting and all the other necessities you’d expect for the filming of a TV show.


    It’s a beautiful day in the city.


    CAPTION: On location at the set of MacQuarries’ Justice.

    Panel 2
    We’re now at the one of the tables, where we see one of the female members of the production staff (generally plain looking and wearing flannel) talking to one of the extras sitting at a cafe table, Heather, an attractive blonde in her mid 20’s with big blue eyes like the ones you see on Fox News. She seems a little confused by the questioning. On the table are two glasses of water and a pitcher.

    PRODUCTION STAFF: Whichoneareyou ?
    HEATHER: Huh ?
    PS: Which. One. Are. You ?
    HEATHER: I’m Heather.
    PS: OK Good, you’re sitting in the right place.

    Panel 3
    The staffer is holding the menu open and from a POV of over Heather’s shoulder, we see the following text on her menu - (the rest is obscured by Heather.)

    Jacqueline Favola - scheming trophy wife with a taste for adultery & murder...

    PS: Your character bio is printed on the inside of your menu.
    H: OK, cool !
    H: Thanks.
    MOIRA (from off panel): I’m here ! I’m here !

    Panel 4
    We see Moira rushing to the table. Moira is pretty, red-haired, red-faced and wearing work out sweats with a sweater tied around her midsection and she’s carrying drycleaning.

    MOIRA: I’m so so sorry I’m late, I just got back from the gym and I didn’t find out about---
    STAFFER (interrupting) No need to apologize, you were notified at the last minute on purpose.
    STAFFER; The director wanted you to be pissed off and frazzled.

    PAGE 2
    Panel 1
    Moira is confused and the Staffer clarifies things as Heather cheerfully watches, wide-eyed.

    STAFFER: Don’t worry, you’ll be paid for your time
    STAFFER: Did you bring the party dress ?
    MOIRA: Yes I---
    STAFFER: Good, you won’t need it.
    STAFFER: What you’re wearing is fine.

    Panel 2
    Same panel as above, except the Staffer also addresses Heather (my suggestion for the artist is to use that “double-head” device for the Staffer to show that she’s switching eye contact between Moira and Heather to indicate that she’s talking to both of them very quickly)

    STAFFER: Any questions ?
    MOIRA: I---
    STAFFER: OK, good.
    STAFFER: Explain to her about the character bio

    Panel 3
    Same panel as above except that Moira is still standing in a state of shock and the staffer is walking away. Heather is reading her character bio.

    MOIRA: ---

    Panel 4
    Same panel as above except Moira is pissed. Maybe use one of those dark cloud things you used to always see in comics indicating that somebody is pissed off.

    MOIRA: Bitch. (originally this was the C-word, but PJ's profanity filter said no to that.)

    PAGE 3

    Panel 1
    Heather cheerfully introduces herself and compliments Moira, who seems embarrassed by it.

    HEATHER: Hi, I’m Heather !
    MOIRA: Hi, I’m Moira
    HEATHER: You’re accent is soooo lovely !
    MOIRA: Yeah, thanks...

    Panel 2
    Heather shows her character bio to Moira, who still seems out of sorts.

    HEATHER: Wow, these parts are great !
    HEATHER: I’m a slutty trophy-wife
    HEATHER: What’s your character ?

    Panel 3
    Moira reading her menu/character bio and looking confused as to what she’s looking at.

    MOIRA: What ? I thought we were just here as extras ?
    HEATHER: Yes, but on this show, even the extras have backstories.
    HEATHER: Haven’t you ever watched MacQuarries’ Way ?

    Panel 4
    Moira and Heather talk. Heather’s eyes are even wider and bluer as she talks about the show excitedly.

    MOIRA: No, but my friends all rave about it so---
    HEATHER: OMIGOD !
    HEATHER: It. Is. The. Best. Show. Ever.
    HEATHER: So well-written with a great cast...

    Panel 5
    Moira and Heather continue.

    HEATHER: Why don’t you watch it ?
    MOIRA: I dunno...
    MOIRA: I only have basic cable and I’m always working so...

    PAGE 4

    Panel 1
    They talk. Moira is twirling her straw in the glass of water.

    HEATHER: I have the first two seasons on DVD...
    MOIRA: Thanks kindly, but I don’t have a DVD player.

    Panel 2
    Heather seems sad/embarrassed for Moira, who is now reading her bio.

    HEATHER: oh...
    HEATHER: I’m sorry.
    MOIRA: No, it’s fine...
    MOIRA: So, what’s the show about ?

    Panel 3
    Heather, back to being super-cheerful, tells Moira about MacQuarries’ Justice.

    HEATHER: OMIGOD, it’s so , so good.
    HEATHER: The main character, Sean MacQuarrie is a tough police detective with a mysterious past and he’s being mysteriously blackmailed by--
    MOIRA: So it’s a cop show basically ?

    Panel 4
    Heather very wide and blue-eyed, corrects Moira.

    HEATHER: It’s so much more than that..!
    HEATHER: It’s really more of an ensemble show with all the characters having their own sub-plots involving everything from Celtic mysticism to UFO’s...

    Panel 5
    Moira looks interested in what Heather is saying.

    MOIRA: UFOs really ?
    HEATHER: We’re not sure..
    MOIRA: We ?
    HEATHER: I run one of the MacQuarries’ Justice online forums...
    HEATHER: Anyway, we think so because of the crop-circle serial killer...

    PAGE 5


    Panel 1
    Heather holds her hands up to her mouth, her eyes wide with horror.

    HEATHER: OMIGOD, I’m so sorry, I’m letting out spoilers !
    MOIRA: No, it’s OK...
    MOIRA: Seriously, I won’t remember any of this
    MOIRA: My life is kind of hectic right now...

    Panel 2
    Heather is back to explaining the show.

    HEATHER: Yeah, anyway it’s really well-written and directed with lots of symbolism, subtext and weird camera shots.
    HEATHER: There’s this mysterious gren van that keeps showing up and we can’t tell if it’s the CIA, the mob, aliens or the physical personification of Sean’s Irish guilt.

    Panel 2
    As above, but Moira seems genuinely interested in the show.

    MOIRA: Wow...
    MOIRA: You know, if it’s OK, I might take you up on your offer...
    MOIRA: I can watch the DVDs on my laptop.
    HEATHER: Abso-defi-lutely !
    HEATHER: You’re in for such a treat

    Panel 3
    The Staffer gets everyone’s attention.

    STAFFER: OK, everyone, you all look great, the lighting and camera are set and we’re just about ready to start, so just a quick reminder...

    STAFFER: This may or may not be a dream sequence, so remember not to react when the Leprechauns spray you with ox-blood and chocolate syrup.

    STAFFER: Thanks.

    Panel 4
    Moira seems disturbed and confused about what she just heard and Heather is cheerful.

    MOIRA: Waitwhat ?!?

    The End.
    Last edited by cbikle; 05-07-2012 at 11:48 PM.

  8. #18
    Lincoln faked his death...there, I said it. [SUPPORTER]
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    Hey everyone, I've added a poll to this thread.

  9. #19

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    Evaluation
    First off, welcome to the contest. Hopefully, you'll come back for the next round. This story was clear and straightforward; the characters were consistent, and the dialogue felt natural. It's a capable rendering of an impetuous student/patient master exchange, but neither character had enough depth to elevate the story above that.
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  10. #20

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    This is what I remember...
    I like how this story is set up so that if the reader goes into it blind, there are multiple reversals of expectation. I'd eliminate every line on page 5 save for the last, so as to heighten the impact of the final reveal. I'd also get rid of the captions in the 3rd and 4th panels on the 1st page, since that information is already conveyed by the dialogue and the body language of the characters.
    Last edited by tudore; 05-09-2012 at 02:59 AM. Reason: clarity
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