Need opinions on a script!
Hey guys, I've got the below script. I'm looking for any general critiques you have, plus I've got a specific question. I ideally want the whole thing to fit on one page, but at eight panels I'm not sure. Do you think it can, or should it be split out to two pages?
Title: Morning Coffee
Bob: Late twenties, clean shaven, light brown shaggy hair, glasses. Wears cheap business suit, but very neat.
Jones: Early thirties, one day old stubble, black hair cut short, clear blue eyes. Wears expensive business suit, top button of shirt undone and tie hanging down a bit.
Clerk: Early twenties, clean shaven, blonde hair is short back and sides with side parting. Wear shirt and tie, tie held on with clip.
Script: Single page
Far shot of Bob and Jones standing in an office building. They are standing next to a wall in a corridor gap between the wall and a row of desks. A middle aged office worker is sat at the desk in front of them going through a pile of papers. A desk partition cuts off Bob and Jones from the waist down. Jones is looking pleased and holding a cup of coffee that says ‘World’s Best Spy’ on it. Bob is looking at Jones with a disbelieving expression. On the right of the panel Clerk is approaching Bob and Jones with a clipboard in his hands, he is nervous.
Jones: …and then they made me their chief.
Bob: Yeah right.
Jones: No, really.
Middle shot of Bob and Jones, with Clerk standing in front of them. No one else is visible. Clerk is holding the clipboard with his left hand, his right hand is hidden behind the clipboard. Jones is pleased, Bob is calm, Clerk is nervous.
Clerk: Mr Jones?
Clerk: Mr William Jones?
Middle shot of Bob, Jones and Clerk. Clerk has pulled his left hand high, holding a dagger ready to stab, he is very angry. Bob is frightened and is leaning back and holding his arms off to ward attack. Jones is faintly amused, looking at Clerk.
Clerk (screaming): DIE!!
Close up of Clerk. Jones’s right hand is in panel, splashing his coffee in Clerk’s face (SFX: Splash!). Clerk is reeling back, eyes screwed shut, clipboard and dagger flying from his grip.
Middle shot of Jones and Clerk. Jones is punching Clerk in the stomach with his left hand, almost burying his fist in Clerk’s abdomen (SFX: Wham!). Jones is looking cocky, while Clerk is surprised and exhaling from the punch.
Close up of Clerk. Jones’s right hand is in panel smashing his empty coffee cup on Clerk’s head (SFX: Smash!) Clerk is dazed from the blow, tongue sticking out one side.
Middle shot of Bob and Jones standing over the unconscious Clerk. The middles aged office worker is leaning over his desk partition looking at Clerk in surprise. POV is 90% from Panel 1. Jones is dusting off his hands, pleased. Bob is staring at Clerk, shocked. Clerk is sprawled on the ground, stars spinning around his head.
Bob: The hell?
Jones: Assassin. It happens. Come on, I need a replacement coffee.
Far shot of Bob and Jones, walking down the corridor, their backs are to the camera.
Bob: Shouldn’t we do something about that guy?
Jones: Let Security handle it. Really Bob, you’ve got to relax and just take things as they come if you’re going to make it in the Intelligence business.
Is this part of something bigger? I think it works as a single page story, but if it isn't something you're going to elaborate on and use the characters again I think it would be funny if they were in another industry. Something boring, where an assassination would be ridiculous. But I have an odd sense of humor, so take that with a grain of salt.
I would split it into 2 - would also give the artist more space to show the action bits in larger panels? Except if you are pressed for space - brevity always wins over decompression in my books! Like Jack Wong asked - is this a standalone 1pager, or an intro for a larger story?
What I sometimes do - I print the script sideways on A4/Letter paper, so that each page of writing is on the left hand side of the page, leaving a blank half-a-page on the right. Then I do rough thumbnails on the right of what I wrote on the left... If you can't make it fit, then you need to split it...
Another reason to kill a tree and print it out - for me at least looking at the printed script is not the same as looking at the computer screen. And you can make handwritten notes on the page before and after doing the thumbnailing, and then transfer it back to your typed script on PC...
It's supposed to be a stand alone story. I have no idea where it would go if it were part of something bigger.
It's a decent idea Jack, but it makes the story funnier it creates the plot hole of how Jones is able to fight off an assassin so easily. Accountants and call centre clerks aren't combat trained.
Chis, that's a really great method. I'll try that. Thanks.