Reply With QuoteSeriously, this is going to be submitted in a matter of hours. If you read it, or even part of it, PLEASE RESPOND!!!
So I need to have this done today, it has to be 22 pages and so far I have 12. I have the plot and mapped it out to a full 22 pages, and I'm following that page-to-page outline (which I made at the suggestion of this forum and it worked beautifully). If all goes well it will be finished tonight, and I'll send it off.
I followed the earlier advice here and added a lot of detail about perspective, visual description, etc., and tried to format it as best I could. Hopefully it is in a somewhat workable form, but please let me know if there are formatting issues and if I'm not saying enough/saying too much; that's pretty much the type of help I'm looking for
TIME IS OF THE ESSENCE so if you read this and can make any suggestions please do soon. If I get a response here and it seems like posting the last ten pages would be useful I'll do that later.
Thanks a million to whoever responds. And if you have comments about the content (ie there are a few spots that might be confusing, but as writers you all know it's hard to separate yourself from this stuff while you're writing it) please lay those on me as well. Thanks again,
Peace
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PAGE 1
This page has four panels - see the attached picture file 'Page Layouts.'
PANEL 1
We have a bird’s eye view of a car driving away from us down a road in a desert city – the street is akin to a tree-lined French Boulevard, but instead of grass and trees there are large patches of sand. It’s like a desert NYC in the color scheme, mostly black, but the buildings are mostly 2 stories. It looks just like any other big city, but instead of patches of grass there is sand, and instead of classic urban trees they are palm trees; however the palm trees are haphazard and the whole milieu looks a little less than classy, pretending to be classy.
The car is a restored older one. I don’t know much about cars, but it’s classy and the kind of thing other people would comment on as being cool. It’s a convertible. Red with a tan/cream interior. It is daylight, and appears to be a hot one.
The two captions are each in a corner of the panel - first in the upper left, the second in the lower right.
CAPTION (Juan narration)
Life in the desert is never easy.
CAPTION (JUAN NARRATION)
Surviving is tough.
PANEL 2
From a side view we see Juan in the driver’s seat of the car - the scene has changed little. The other seats are empty. He’s smoking a cigarette.
Juan looks like a mid 20s latino gangbanger with a shaved head. He’s in a wifebeater and khakis (although the pants aren’t visible yet). He wears sunglasses that are stylish but not over flashy. Juan is the main character. He has no visible tattoos.
The captions are both in the upper right corner, a little bit to the left of the margin. The second is below the first.
CAPTION (JUAN NARRATION)
What you need to find is an oasis.
Caption (Juan Narration)
Somewhere you can get some shade, maybe get some fresh water.
PANEL 3
Juan's car is pulling into an alley, POV of further down the alley, ie we see the headlights as they round the bend. The car is about 3/4 turned into the alley. It’s a wide alley, and has parking spaces inside for apartments and businesses (Los Angeles style alley).
Captions are in the upper left hand corner, one below the other.
CAPTION (JUAN NARRATION)
The city of Oasis, though.
Caption (Juan Narration)
That's got nothing you need.
PANEL 4
Juan's car is parked in an parking lot in the alley, Juan is walking away in the opposite direction (6 o'clock). We are POV of the direction Juan is walking. Juan is hitting the car's lock button and the car beeps as it locks. The parking lot is right in back of the building facing the street. We get a view of the street from this angle, peeking through the alley entrance. Juan looks nonchalant, not worried at all, but serious because he knows that even though the situation isn't dangerous for him, these are very dangerous people.
The caption is in the top right corner of the panel.
CAPTION (JUAN NARRATION)
Despite its name, it's a mirage.
PAge 2
Six panels - see the attached file 'Page Layouts.'
PANEL 1
Juan is walking through a coat room or some sort of small entrance room; we see this from in back of him. Two latino men in wifebeaters, Gangster 1 (larger man, shaved head, black pants) and Gangster 2 (long ponytail, medium build, khakis), guns visible, are playing cards on a small table sitting on spare chairs - small seats, small backs, minimal supports. Gangster 1 (who is facing this POV, unlike Gangster 2 whose back is to us) looks to Juan as he is walking - Juan is about halfway through the room.
Gangster 1
Sup Juan.
Juan
Andres.
PANEL 2
From directly in back of Juan's head we see a partially opened door (10 o'clock on its hinge) that he is pushing open. Two men walk in front of him holding a huge warehouse box - they are walking perpendicular to us and from our angle one is to the right and the other the left. The warehouse box is open, and it's full of oranges.
The room is a gigantic warehouse - we only see a little of it as Juan's head, the guys with the box and the door are all in the way of a good view. But we can see the roof, and it shows us that the cieling is very high up.
PANEL 3
A huge view of the warehouse, with Juan's head, the men and the door all gone, no obstructions. Stacks and stacks of huge boxes sit all over the place, filling the gigantic room; in the middle, close enough for us to make it out, are four open werehouse boxes full of guns. We can't necessarily tell that they're guns just by looking at the boxes, but two men are holding guns standing right next to it, and there are guns sitting on a blanket next to the boxes on the floor.
Two men are moving another box, similar to the men moving one in Panel 2. It is sealed. Two additional men are standing near the boxes watching the unloading.
PANEL 4
Juan turns to his left (our right) as someone says his name - his eyes dodge over to the man so that he seems like he was surprised by the call but is now looking in that direction. The man isn't visible in this panel but is Romero, the head leader of the gang, an incredibly dangerous man. Juan has recognized the voice and his reaction to hearing it is appropriate.
The background of this panel should be the huge stacks of boxes in the background. The dialogue should be to the upper right of Romero's call.
ROMERO (off-panel)
Juan!
PANEL 5
Romero is walking towards Juan (from the right side of the panel) with a huge smile on his face and with open arms. He is an older man (about 50) dressed Mexican cowboy style - a garish colored cowboy hat and a brown dress shirt with blue trim are all we can see from this angle though. He is talking to Juan like he is a long lost friend. Juan is smiling too, but not as wide, and his demeanor is deferential.
Romero is on the right and Juan is on the left side of the panel. Our angle is somewhere in between a view of Juan's back as he watches Romero approach, and a side view of the interaction.
ROMERO
Welcome to the party!
Juan
It looks like you started early.
PAGE 3
Four panels - see attached file.
PANEL 1
Romero is walking away, to the right, motioning Juan to follow him. Juan is walking in that direction as well. Nothing else of note has changed since Page 2 Panel 1.
ROMERO
This is a big night, Juan. What kind of gun you got? We'll get you something better.
Juan
I don't have one right now.
PANEL 2
Our POV is in back of Juan as Romero nods to someone standing in back of us; his face is less happy and is halfway to serious. Background is the crates of guns.
ROMERO
Perfect.
PANEL 3
A bullet rips through the right side of a surprised Juan, who is shot from behind by the man Romero nodded at. No dialogue, no SFX.
PANEL 4
In the reverse L shape of the panel, Juan is lying bleeding in the bottom horizontal part, while Romero stands above him in the vertical section, their feet both in the rectangle that intersects the two sections. Our POV is from just in back of Juan's head, but twisted enough to have the bodies in the way I just described.
Romero's face has turned completely serious. He speaks to Juan, but his mouth is closed and he looks very evil. From this angle we can see that his pants are black and his pointed cowboy boots are the same gaudy blue.
Juan is holding his right side with his right hand, but blood has soaked his wifebeater and he's not looking good. He is staring at Romero and what little we can see of his face is contorted in pain. His mouth is slightly open, saying his line.
ROMERO
Thought you were smart, talking to the cops, huh? Bad move, Juan. Bad move.
JUAN
They know about tonight. Your deal's going to fall through, you're finished Romero.
ROMERO
No, Juan...
PAGE 4
Five panels - see attached file.
PANEL 1
Romero is kneeled down next to Juan, Juan is in the same position. Our view is completely a side view, and the background is the massive stack of boxes in the warehouse. A sound of something sharpening begins to sound in back of Juan, starting with very small lettering and getting bigger. This is not the focus of the panel.
SFX
eeeeEEEEEEEE
ROMERO
You see, there never was a deal.
JUAN
What?
ROMERO
You set your cop friends up to get ambushed.
PANEL 2
Juan turns his head to see in back of him, still holding his chest and lying down. Our POV is from where Romero is standing, staring at Juan from feet to head. We see Juan from his chest to his head. What little we can see of Juan's eyes are wide, and he whispers his line.
In back of Juan about 20 feet is Franco, a huge man wearing a black and white suit and holding a large axe to a sharpener. He is focused on the sharpening.
SFX
EEEEEEEEEEE
ROMERO (OFF-PANEL)
I thought that was sharp already, Franco.
JUAN
No, no...
PANEL 3
The sfx stops abruptly halfway across the panel. Juan's face changes to absolute terror, but otherwise the angle is the same. Franco is holding the axe, staring at it, as he walks towards Juan. Juan raises his bloody right hand up in Franco's direction as if he could stop Franco's approach with it.
SFx
EEEEEE
FRANCO
Just making sure.
Juan
NO!!!
PANEL 4
Juan is is the same position, but Franco is a lot closer. Juan's right hand is halfway back to holding his bleeding chest.
JUAN
You don't want to do this Franco!!
FRANCO
You're wrong, old friend.
PANEL 5
Our view is from the side, and we see Juan holding one hand up, clutching his chest with the other, eyes closed like he's bracing for it, as Franco raises the axe high up in the air, about to swing it down with force enough to cut clean through Juan's body. Franco is smiling.
Franco
I really do.
PAGE 5
Four panels - panel 1 is small, panel 2 is huge. See guide
PANEL 1
A head-on shot of a small hotel parking lot, a police cruiser is parked in front of one of the rooms. It is evening; the hotel is your classic roadside pit stop.
CAPTION
LATER THAT DAY...
PANEL 2
Kate, a mid twenties uniform cop, has her pants off and is unbuttoning her shirt, sitting on top of Hugh, a mid thirties plainclothes detective right now in his boxers. Hugh is sitting against the wall above the bed and Kate is on her knees. Kate still has her hat on. Kate has a great body and is trying to be sexy.
The hotel room is laid out like this - walking in the front door, the bed is on the left. The bathroom is past the bed also on the left.
KATE
Think you can handle this case, detective?
Hugh
Seems like a lot to take on...
Kate
Oh you bet it is.
PANEL 3
Same POV but zoomed in a little - she has unbuttoned her shirt, and is leaning in to kiss Hugh while he reaches for her tit - and Hugh's cell phone starts ringing.
SFX should be near the bottom of the panel.
SFX
RING RING
PANEL 4
POV just behind the phone on desk - we see both Hugh and Kate staring at it as it rings - their positions otherwise are pretty much the same. The view in perspective foreground to background is desk, bed, window/door.
SFX
RING RING
Hugh
I gotta get this.
KATE
But Hugh-
PAGE 6
PANEL 1
Kate is still on top of Hugh, but Hugh is starting to lean off the bed to grab the phone. Same POV as page 5 panel 4, maybe a little tweaked.
Hugh
It's the captain, Kate.
PANEL 2
Hugh is sitting on the side of the bed, feet on the ground, with the phone to his ear. Kate sits on her knees on top of the bed.
Hugh
Hey cap.
Captain (on phone)
Hugh, I've got some bad news.
HUGH
What is it?
PANEL 3
Same POV, Kate is stepping off of the bed.
CAPTAIN (ON PHONE)
Your informant in the Sand Gang was found tortured to death in a warehouse off Diamond Avenue.
HUGH
WHAT?
PANEL 4
Same POV, Kate is going through her pants.
CAPTAIN (ON PHONE)
Did anyone but you know his identity?
PANEL 5
Same POV, Kate has pulled her gun out of her pants and is pulling it up to shoot at Hugh. Hugh looks over to Kate and sees what she's doing; he has a half second to react before she pulls the trigger.
HUGH
No, no one's close enough to me to...
PAGE 7
4 panels, see guide.
PANEL 1
Our POV is in back of Kate; she is standing in between the bed and the wall opposite the bed. Our view more or less parallels the walls leading into the room, ie it's like we walked into the room from the front door and took seven or so steps.
She has just pulled the trigger; Hugh has jumped behind the bed, but part of him is still above the bed, and motion implies he has just jumped. The bullet has cut into the mattress and it's unclear if the bullet went through the mattress and hit him, which is likely.
SFX
BANG!
PANEL 2
Same POV but we have stepped back a fair amount. Hugh is now completely under what we can see of the bed. Kate is grabbing her pants and is walking away, but still holding the gun pointed at the bed. Hugh is screaming like he's dying.
HUGH
UUGHHH! You ****ing bitch!
PANEL 3
View from just inside the door as Kate is standing in the open doorway with the door half open, facing us back in the room. She is genuinely sorry, and loves Hugh to an extent even though she has been playing him for his information.
KATE
I'm sorry Hugh.
PANEL 4
Hugh is lying down in back of the bed; he has picked up his phone. The door slams at the top left of the panel, and the conversation is bottom right - Hugh's head and the phone are in the middle of the frame.
HUGH
Cap?
CAPTAIN (ON PHONE)
Are you injured? I'll send-
Hugh
I'm fine. Give me the address, I'll be on the scene in 20.
CAPTAIN (ON PHONE)
What was all that?
HUGH
I think I found our leak.
PAge 8
Three panels - two up top, a large one below. (in guide)
PANEL 1
Hugh is closing his door in the background as two officers speak in the foreground; Hugh is center and the two cops are on either side, the one on the left (Officer 1)facing the other and the one on the right (Officer 2) looking to Hugh. Hugh is about twenty feet away. We are just outside of the entrance room, which is on page 2, of the warehouse on pages 2-4. Our POV is from inside the room, and we are facing the parking lot Juan parked his car in on Page 1. Hugh's car is actually parked just next to Juan's.
Officer 1 is a young guy, obviously a rookie to some degree. Officer 2 has more of a commanding presence and is a vet. They are both in uniform.
Hugh wears a jacket and a cheap suit; the jacket is brown, the suit is grey and the shirt is white. Hugh's car is a nondescript white sedan, like a Corolla.
Officer 1
I can't go back in there, I already threw up twice-
Officer 2
Here's someone with guts. Hey Hugh!
PANEL 2
Our view is now from the outside of the entrance room looking in. Hugh and Officer 2 are walking inside and through the door to the main part of the warehouse from the first 4 pages. All we see of Hugh is his back, and he is to the left of Officer 2, who we see talking to Hugh in profile.
Officer 2
This is a pretty gruesome one, detective.
Hugh
I can hang. How bad is it?
Officer 2
Well...
PANEL 3
Huge panel, where we can see Juan's chopped up body in all its glory. Each limb is in at least 5 pieces, and the chest is in slightly bigger chunks. The head is in one piece, though, and just looks like it was decapitated. Instead of the pieces being thrown around haphazardly, they have been lined up specifically to make it look like this is where all the different parts would connect - ie the form is his, just with gaps between all the pieces.
The body is lying on the warehouse floor that Juan was lying on in pages 3-4; they didn't move him to another location. Blood is covering the floor, much of it dried.
We see nothing but Juan's body, but we have an off-panel line from Hugh and this comes from the left of the panel, near the top but from the left side, seeing as this is where Hugh would be standing.
Hugh (Off-panel)
Sweet Jesus.
PAGE 9
7 panels - the top row has 2 panels, Panel 1 is 1/3 of the width, Panel 2 is 2/3 of that row. The second row down is a single horizontal panel. The 4th-7th panels are of equal sizes, two a row, each one half of the row.
So four rows, the first with two of unequal sizes, second with one, and third and fourth with two each of equal size.
PANEL 1
Hugh stands over the body; we only see a quarter view of his head (the right side of his head); he looks very, very pensive. He's talking to himself, so his mouth isn't very open, but he's talking.
HUGH
Why kill him tonight...did he tell them about the sting? That wouldn't make much sense...
PANEL 2
Officer 2, standing next to Hugh, speaks to him - we see Officer 2 standing closer to us, to Hugh's right and our left. Our view is of both of their chests - Officer two rests his arms on his hips, and Hugh's arms are crossed.
OFFICER 2
Sorry, you saying something?
HUGH
Talking to myself.
OFFICER 2
Well I'll leave you to it.
PANEL 3
Hugh stares at the body, from the same POV we saw him from in Panel 2, and thinks, again thinking out loud. He is in the middle of the panel, but the only caption is way over to the right of the panel, so that the reader sees it after taking in the length of the panel.
HUGH
If only dead men could talk.
PANEL 4
Same POV. Hugh's mouth is closed, but he looks exactly the same.
PANEL 5
Same POV, Hugh is grabbing his nose between his eyes again. He's not liking the conclusion that he's come to, or what he's about to do.
PANEL 6
Same POV, Hugh has pulled his phone out of his pocket and is staring at it like it might bite him.
PANEL 7
Same POV, Hugh holding the phone up to his ear; he has just called someone.
PAGE 10
Four panels - a large one and three at the bottom. See guide.
PANEL 1
An outside view of a large, foreboding building; a mansion in a rich neighborhood. Straight on view of the front door. At the bottom right of the frame is sfx, small and muted because it's coming from inside the house.
PANEL 2
Texas Jim has just picked up the phone - we see the bottom half of the right side of his face (facing the right side of the panel) as he speaks. The phone is ornate, like one of the first handles for dial phones, but only see the bottom half.
Texas Jim is a necromancer and looks creepy. A reference would be Spike from Cowboy Bebop, whose facial hair is similar. Texas Jim is a blond, though. Mutton chops, basically.
TEXAS JIM
Hello?
HUGH (ON PHone)
Jim?
TEXAS JIM
Hugh. Do you have another for me?
PANEL 3
We are back at the scene; Hugh is staring at the body while talking to Texas Jim on his cell phone. We are facing Hugh, but our POV is raised and Hugh is a little to the left of our POV, and we can see the body.
HUGH
We've got a very serious situation here, James. I need some answers from someone fresh. Can you do that?
PANEL 4
A hand (Texas Jim's) is grabbing a very ornate book off of a small desk. The book is very important to the plot. The hand has a few rings and goes with the creepy look of Texas Jim.
The book is used to reanimate the dead - it should be black, hardcover, with musty pages, and nondescript, like it was intentionally being vague about its contents.
TEXAS JIM (Off-Panel)
Of course. Where are you?
PAGE 11
6 panels. In guide.
PANEL 1
Hugh is leaning on his car (he parked it on page 8) and waiting outside the warehouse for Texas Jim to arrive. Less cops are wandering around, but one or two are outside. Our POV is looking from Hugh's left at him, lowered a little so that we're looking up at him, and a little in front of him so that we can see his whole face. Not a lot of light.
At this point the sun has set completely.
PANEL 2
Texas Jim's car arrives, and we see its headlights pulling into the parking lot. Our POV is in back of Hugh, with Hugh on the right side of the panel, and Texas Jim's car's turning headlights in the left of the panel. Texas Jim's car is 3/4 turned into the parking lot. Another cop is standing there looking at the car pull in.
PANEL 3
Texas Jim has parked, to the left of the door to the entrance room and to the right to a cruiser one space away (this assumes we are facing the wall he has just pulled in to). He is out of the car and has the door still open.
Our POV is facing Texas Jim as he looks across his car from the driver's seat. Hugh has moved and is standing in between us and Texas Jim's car, and we are looking at Hugh's back as he speaks to Texas Jim.
TEXAS JIM
Hello, Hugh.
HUGH
Hi Jim. Body's this way.
PANEL 4
Hugh and Texas Jim walk into the entrance room. We follow them from behind. Texas Jim is to the left, and Hugh to the right, looking at their backs. Texas Jim has the book obviously in his left hand.
TEXAS JIM
And the nature of the death?
HUGH
Well...
PANEL 5
Texas Jim's face, shocked, as he sees the body. We don't see anything but his face and his eyes as they get large in reaction.
TEXAS JIM
Good lord.
PANEL 6
Hugh is to the right of Texas Jim, in the left of the panel. Texas Jim's face is the same look of shock, as Hugh faces him. We see Hugh from behind; he is standing perpendicular to Texas Jim. Our angle is roughly 45 degrees in between the two characters, but we are looking from in back of Hugh. Hugh's arms are crossed.
HUGH
Can you help me?
TEXAS JIM
It will be difficult.
Texas Jim
You said the situation was serious. How serious?
PAGE 12
PANEL 1
45 degree angle shot of Hugh's face, staring just right of us. Hugh is staring at Texas Jim.
HUGH
About a hundred cops could die tonight if I don't find out what he knows.
PANEL 2
Side view of Texas Jim as he sighs, still staring at the body.
TEXAS JIM
Very well. If we could be alone, please...
PANEL 3
Hugh looks over his right shoulder and yells to the people in the room, two of which we can see - both are plainclothes evidence men. Our POV is from Hugh's left, and we are looking at him and with him towards the wall of the warehouse with the door. The two evidence men, in suits, look up at him speaking in a deferential way.
HUGH
Alright everybody out! Now!
PANEL 4
Same POV but zoomed back a little so that now we can see both Hugh and Texas Jim, who is facing the body. We get a full side view of Texas Jim, and a full front view of Hugh. Hugh's eyes are on Texas Jim.
The door closes with SFX and Texas Jim's mouth is open a little.
SFX
SLAM
TEXAS JIM
I meant you as well.
HUGH
I've been sending you bodies for months. I deserve to see what you do with them.
PANEL 5
POV Hugh as he was looking in the last panel, looking at Texas Jim. Texas Jim is staring at Hugh, judging him.
PANEL 6
Same POV, Texas Jim has the book up below his face and is staring at it.
TEXAS JIM
Very well.
Texas Jim
This will take great focus, so please do not speak until I tell you to.
PANEL 7
Same POV, side view of Texas Jim. Texas Jim begins to read the book under his breath; we see this as small illegible writing in a balloon. Texas Jim's eyes are barely open as he reads.
TEXAS JIM
-reads under breath-
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That's all I got so far! Thanks tons for reading this far, and please let me know any feedback, I have thick skin.
Adios,
Jack
Seriously, this is going to be submitted in a matter of hours. If you read it, or even part of it, PLEASE RESPOND!!!
I have to say, despite being put off by your tone and the fact that you posted this and then about an hour later start screaming for people to please look at it, I read about half of it.
I think you had a pretty good start but I was put off by the scene in the motel. It seemed to be boot-strapped. What leak? Had you established that there was one and that it was a problem for the police? Is Juan an undercover cop or an informant? Did the police suspect that someone was leaking info? Why would Juan go into the warehouse if that was the case? Maybe you answer those questions in the part I didnt read. Did you know that using the word "tit" instead of breast is unprofessional? If you were Sam Sheppard I might give it a pass, are you?
Good luck. I think this has potential but then again I have read about what would happen to zombies in a desert, so dunno how that would fly either.
Hey sirandal, thanks a lot, especially for reading it since I know it was posted in a pretty annoying way.
The scene in the motel isn't one I'm sending in, so I guess I lucked out. It needs work, you're right. And I'll make it more clear that Juan was an informant.
I did some quick research online (should have done this earlier) and low and behold there's a zombie story set in the desert, in a town called Oasis. So, I'll be changing the setting for sure. Jungle, maybe.
Sorry to others that were rubbed the wrong way by the tone, and annoyed. I just need feedback, so thanks for even opening the thread. Peace,
Jack
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