Poll For WC #75: Epic Fail

[Zepster]

@Red Fox
Thanks for the feedback.

I’m caught between the devil and the deep blue sea on the context thing, as invariably feedback highlights a lack of context when you leave it out. This is a consequence of working from a single story with the competitions, so I’m happy to live with the downsides as the additional feedback is always valuable.

The feedback on Majestic is quite useful too. I used this story to provide some depth to him as a character and show how he becomes the man he is when we see him in the main sequence. This particular story is set many years in the past and was one of his “Growth” moments, so I never intended his characterisation here to be quite in touch with the main sequence as he has a lot to learn from this point forward and changes over the years.

Many thanks for feeding back though

@Shaun

Majestic, in his mind anyway, got a little carried away with being gung ho. They’d successfully cleared a number of ships before this one and he got cocky. The end result was a colleague’s death and the subsequent loss of the other ships. He may well have been too young/inexperienced to understand that sh!t happens in war and it is easy for an objective outsider to know this.
The back flashes all contribute to the main sequence over time. The history builds into a significant thread of the main plot and you’re spot on when you suggest there is a greater shame there for Majestic.
Thanks, appreciate the feedback
@Tudore
Hey thanks for that. Yep, I should have worked on creating more emotional depth with Interface in particular. Infernus on the other hand will be returning to the main sequence and this is partially setup for his arrival and tension with Majestic. I’m trying to avoid the old Wolverine/Cable thing where both seem to have retroactive history with every main player in the Marvel uni and instead present the history before it becomes relevant in the present. The changes between then and now in terms of personality ( such as it was ) and outlook should hopefully make the reader wonder just what the heck happened to them in the interim period.
Thanks
@Cibkle
Thanks! Very happy to see that pacing in particular seems to be a consistent part of the feedback this time out. It can be a struggle with a 5 pager, particularly an action based one to get it right, so glad that it seems to be hitting that mark.
I’ll continue the research on dialog though

[cbikle]

Cbikle- I am sorry it did not grab you. Was it just you saw the ending coming or you were not invested enough in the character? As I write Vespa and think about further adventures, I have to agree with you. This is not exactly comic book material.

Might be that I've just seen too many heist movies involving beautiful international thieves. Also, I think in a movie or book, you'd have the opportunity to flesh the characters out a little more than the 5 page contests allow. After having re-read it again, I had some more thoughts/comments.

- When Vespa told Charles that the Smithsonian hired her (I'll get to that next), you could almost see that as a betrayal of her employer's confidence (although that was clearly unintentional, as she wasn't expecting a fellow thief/close friend to rob her and throw her to the wolves either).

- The Smithsonian as a client is an interesting angle and I'd imagine that this (hiring a thief to steal a priceless artifact from the country of its origin) is something they'd want to keep quiet.

- Based on dialogue, it sounded like Vespa and the The Russian OMAN team were hired by the same person (The Smithsonian ?), as it sounded like both Vespa and the team were independently hired to "do their thing".

- The Russians seemed to be too unsure/ill-prepared in knowledge/expertise to be using the explosives they used.

- If the Smithsonian did hire the Russians, did they realize they might be involved in the destruction of a famous landmark (something that normally would be a very anti-Smithsonian act) ?

- I'm thinking Charles' main objective is to make Vespa a permanent part of his life and that screwing up her job was a way of doing that; I suspect the next part of his plan would be to bribe and/or break Vespa out of the women's gulag and then trying to placate her by offering her 50 % of the Faberge Egg's value.

[cbikle]

ROUTE 13

However, there are a few issues, chief among them the fact that the dialogue is a bit too explicit; Lily Jean telling the kids to get gone feels natural, but when the Regulars are talking about preserving Kyle's pricey bits or Bill's first mention of the police, it seems off.

I can see that; if I ever rewrite this story, I'll probably add a page or two to have more subtlety and better pacing that I don't think I could have achieved in the 5 page format.

The other big issue is Megan's success. Setting aside the difficulty of a head shot, I'd assume that most of the Regulars are more heavily armed than her, and would not be above taking her down while she was trying to force one of their own to chauffeur her to safety.

I disagree with you on this; if you can buy the premise of a secret and cursed highway populated with criminals, Megan getting off a lucky shot (maybe she was trying to shoot the guy in the leg ?) isn't requiring too much more suspension of disbelief.

And the "Regulars" aren't a united organization except when picking off who they perceive as weak; none of them are looking to be the next "Ted" (the guy who got shot in the head) or really care that he was just shot.

On Route 13, you're pretty much on your own.

Also, the museum doesn't help Bill tell his story, and it doesn't seem like a quality pastime.

I likened Bill's "museum" to the crappy roadside museums you're likely to stumble across while driving highways and the museum served the purpose of informing Kyle, Megan and the reader about why Route 13 is the way it is.

Anyways, thanks for reading and the C&Cs.

[cbikle]

Only critiques would be that Trader Bill's accent gets a bit too thick to read.

Yeah, I can see that; when I was writing Bill's dialogue I had the same thought.

And the ending was not as strong as some of your other stuff. But still, very strong story that kept my interest throughout.

Yeah, I really wasn't sure how to end this story and the ending was a little too abrupt.

Thanks for the C&Cs and for reading.

[WildAces]

- When Vespa told Charles that the Smithsonian hired her (I'll get to that next), you could almost see that as a betrayal of her employer's confidence (although that was clearly unintentional, as she wasn't expecting a fellow thief/close friend to rob her and throw her to the wolves either).

I see now that was a big point of confusion. Red Fox mentioned it inadvertently as well. Vespa was not hired to STEAL anything. I intended her using her talents in more of an archaeological capacity. This would be a more legitimate use of her learned talents. In an effort to minimize dialogue per panel, I see I did not make that clear.

- The Russians seemed to be too unsure/ill-prepared in knowledge/expertise to be using the explosives they used.

Incompetence used to add tension to the scene and mis-direct the audience (the penciljack forum) into wondering where the 'EPIC FAIL' would come into play. Unfair of me, I know.

- The Smithsonian as a client is an interesting angle and I'd imagine that this (hiring a thief to steal a priceless artifact from the country of its origin) is something they'd want to keep quiet.
- Based on dialogue, it sounded like Vespa and the The Russian OMAN team were hired by the same person (The Smithsonian ?), as it sounded like both Vespa and the team were independently hired to "do their thing".
- If the Smithsonian did hire the Russians, did they realize they might be involved in the destruction of a famous landmark (something that normally would be a very anti-Smithsonian act) ?

Had it been made clearer what Vespa's job responsibilities were, then her saying she worked for the Smithsonian would not have been so taboo (in my mind) and no, they would not have had any idea where the Egg was or what it might take to retrieve it. The Russian government would have fully co-operated by sending in 'experts' to handle the explosives and no one would have suspected the Egg was in an underground church (was it clear the church was underground? There was a earthquake in Russia in like 1945 that gave me the idea)

- I'm thinking Charles' main objective is to make Vespa a permanent part of his life and that screwing up her job was a way of doing that; I suspect the next part of his plan would be to bribe and/or break Vespa out of the women's gulag and then trying to placate her by offering her 50 % of the Faberge Egg's value.

I pictured Charles as the guy who has her best friend throughout school that she never paid attention to. He struggled while she excelled in a field she didn't really support. Since she was out of the game, he was now the hottest new thief to enter the scene and used his new position (ego) to take the Egg AND Vespa's heart (loins) in one swift move. That was the angle I was thinking as I wrote him.

[Red Fox]

Cbikle-Route 13

I really like this a lot. The biggest thing that hit me was the dialogue. It was spot on great. Everyone had their own voice that revealed character. Kyle was funny, Lily Jean was classic, and I loved the museum guy. Loved his little talk about trading to get the tour. The little quirks made him feel real.

What else I liked was that you layered a lot in here without crowding anything. With five pages we could have gotten the kids at the diner and then get attacked without any backstory. But, you knew how to handle it and the perfect way to do that was introduce us to the museum guy, who was really well written.

And the reveal of the cargo at the end was just creepy as hell. Man, Route 13 is one place I never want to drive through. This was really well done.

[Shaun]

@ Tudore, Drunk Tank

This is an interesting slice of life and something that seems like it might work well as a prose piece. I was kind of waiting for something bigger to happen, a more epic fail if you will, but overall it worked well for what it set out to be.

[Shaun]

@ Red Fox, Epic Detective Fail

This is a fun story for sure and while it's comedy is a little too silly for my taste it certainly did make me chuckle a few times, especially page one. I did get a little confused how Malone survived the explosion. Also I get what you're going for giving Malone a big beard after 17 hours (I think they did the same bit in Anchorman) but in sequentials it might be a little confusing. If I was reading it as a story I would assume the caption was a mistake and it was intended to read 17 years not hours. Overall though it was fun.

[Shaun]

@ Cbikle, Route 13

I like the idea of the scary backroad, deserted highways that exist in America. I guess the epic fail was that they meant to get lost? That part was a little unclear to me. I liked the idea of the regulars preying on lost tourists like vultures but wonder if there wasn't a more organic way to get the history of route 13 out. The tour felt a little forced. I've never had my tires slashed but I imagine I would be a little too distracted to do some roadside tour. You had good descriptions and some fun dialogue though.

[Shaun]

The Putrefaction of Richard Mandrake
This was very fun and engaging; the way the closing line paralleled the opening caption was quite nice. I do have a problem with the air fresheners: considering how deeply foul a decomposing body is, and how prepared Teddy was supposed to be, I'dve expected more effective countermeasures.

The captions might be slightly too long on page 1 panels 2&6; page 2 panel 2,3; page 4 panel 7; page 5 panel 2. Part of the issue is space, but on page 4, it feels like you've added to much and have started to take away from the punch of the line; it may be best to get rid of that one entirely, and just go with a facial expressing.

I agree about the captions, it was overkill. As for the air fresheners the idea was just to make it bearable for himself. His grandmother was completely senile and without any senses. But maybe I could have made that clearer in her scenes. Thanks for reading!