Simon the Pieman Returns
I've decided to resurrect a colorful character from the old Filmation Batman cartoons, Simon the Pieman. He speaks in third person and commits pastry related crimes. I thought it would be fun to pit the Damian Wayne and Dick Grayson versions of Batman and Robin against him. I don't know if he's ever appeared in the comics. Enjoy.
Batman and Robin: The Return of Simon the Pieman By Todd Matthy
WIDE SHOT: OTS: Batman (Dick Grayson) and Robin (Damian Wayne) hiding between ceiling beams, and looking down on Simon the Pieman and his henchmen dressed as pastry chefs. In the corner a girl is bound and gagged. This is Debbie Drake. Her feet are not tied.
Batman (caption) 1:
I can’t believe his back in town.
Batman (caption) 2:
Simon the Pieman.
CLOSE UP SHOT: Zoom in on Debbie Drake.
The girl is Debbie Drake. Heiress to the Drake Pastry fortune, snatched at her twenty-first birthday party.
WIDE SHOT: The party. Simon emerges from the giant cake that was wheeled out to celebrate Debbie’s birthday. Simon and his henchmen, who are snatching Debbie, are in sunglasses because the candles were flashbulbs that blinded everyone at the party.
Simon the Pieman:
Simon says grab the girl!
Using the old flashbulb candles trick.
DOWN SHOT: OTS: Batman and Robin are whispering while Simon the Pieman talks on the phone.
Let’s take him out now.
No. Not yet.
Why not? Look at him…
DOWN SHOT: Zoom in on Simon the Pieman talking on the phone with Debbie’s father.
Simon says leave the money outside Mother Appel’s Bakery.
He’s a clown, a push over.
CLOSE UP SHOT: The back of Robin’s head as he looks toward Batman.
He’s tougher then he looks….
FLASHBACK: Dick Grayson as Robin trapped between a grindstone. Simon, along with a female and male henchman, is holding a lever.
One time he attempted to grind me to death.
Soon you will be destroyed in the flour of your youth. Ha Ha! A funny joke.
That was you my father would have no problem vanquishing this troglodyte.
CLOSE UP SHOT: Back to the present. Zoom in on Batman.
Don’t be so sure.
FLASHBACK: Batman trapped in a giant batter with giant eggbeaters attempting to grind him. Simon looks down, gloating.
He once trapped your father in a giant eggbeater.
Imagine Batman beaten, literally and figuratively, by Simon’s beater.
CLOSE UP SHOT: Batman and Robin.
CLOSE UP SHOT: Simon the Pieman gloating over his victory.
What makes Simon the Pieman so dangerous is because of his ridiculous gimmick…
FLASHBACK: A helicopter chase between the Batcopter and Simon’s getaway copter. Batman and Robin are blinded by a “flour bomb” from Simon.
Everyone underestimates him.
BIG HEAD SHOT: Batman glancing over at Damian.
We go when he changes into his secret identity. Mother Appel.
WIDE SHOT: Robin sprinting into action. Batman tries to stop him.
Mother Appel? He disguises himself as a woman? And beat you? That’s it!
OVER HEAD SHOT: Robin leaping into action as Simon, Debbie, and his henchmen are taken by surprise. Batman goes after him.
I’ll show you how a real warrior handles such fools!
MEDIUM SHOT: Simon grabbing Debbie and ordering his goons to stop Batman and Robin, pointing toward them with his rolling pin.
Simon says get’em!
Batman and Robin taking out Simon’s goons.
LONG SHOT: Robin spots Simon and Debbie.
LARGE SHOT: Robin fires his grappling hook, swings upward, and kicks Simon in the face knocking him and Debbie down, and releasing Simon’s rolling pin.
MEDIUM SHOT: Robin standing over Simon. Simon reaches for his rolling pin.
CLOSE UP SHOT: Simon’s hand grabbing the rolling pin and hitting a button that releases a blade from one of the handles.
WIDE SHOT: Simon stabs Robin in the side. Behind Simon, Debbies eyes go wide with shock.
WIDE SHOT: Simon approaches a fallen Robin who is clutching his side. In the background Debbie starts moving toward Simon.
CLOSE UP SHOT: Simon grabbing Damian, prying his mouth open with one hand and preparing to stab him with the rolling pin blade in his other hand.
WIDE SHOT: Debbie kicking Simon in the balls, felling him.
LONG SHOT: Batman arrives to a defeated Simon, wounded Robin, and surprised Debbie.
CLOSE UP SHOT: A TV screen, Debbie is talking with reporters about her ordeal.
And that was how I rescued the Boy Wonder. I can’t…
CLOSE UP SHOT: A remote control smashes through the screen.
MEDIUM SHOT: Damian holding his side while Alfred applies stitches.
I say Master Damian, if you keep throwing things I’ll never finish these stitches…
CLOSE UP SHOT: Alfred.
And if I don’t finish these stitches your guts are liable to spill all over the floor…
LONG SHOT: Bruce Wayne and Dick Grayson watch and smile while Alfred stitches up Damian.
Leaving me another of your messes to clean up.
CLOSE UP SHOT: Profile shots of Bruce and Dick.
I think his pride’s hurt more than anything.
Still, Simon the Pieman?
LONG SHOT: Bruce and Dick walking out of the cave.
I know. Why did he bother showing up again after all these years?
I may know…
MEDIUM SHOT: Bruce and Dick.
Maybe he heard there’s a new Batman and Robin in town and thought he’d test them out. Do you think he’s learned he’s lesson?
I don’t know. I took a couple of bumps in my day. But if I could learn…
LONG SHOT: Damian in the foreground looking pissed. Alfred has finished stitching him up and is exiting. Bruce and Dick are standing in the entrance.
So can he.
Bird Gods in Egypt.
So, I've decided to use Red Robin, in conjunction, with Serifan of the New Gods. Information on Serifan can be found here http://dc.wikia.com/wiki/Serifan.
This is a one off set a few months before current Red Robin continuity.
It is titled Bird Gods in Egypt.
Bird Gods In Egypt
PAGE ONE (5 panels)
Panel 1. Establishing shot. A crudely drawn map of Egypt rests on a desk. Several Red Robin throwing disks have been attached to the map. The throwing disks have been arranged in a circle around the city of Cairo.
1 CAP: It's been three weeks since my search for the Sun Cult's birthplace began. Three weeks since a low life thug first sent me running off on the trail. Three weeks of searching and the journey ends here in Cairo.
Panel 2. A plane, big enough to hold two people, is flying through the clouds. The sunlight is reflecting off the wings of the plane.
2 CAP: Bruce would have figured this out sooner, but I'm not Bruce Wayne.
Panel 3. Red Robin, sitting in the copilot's seat, is screaming over the wind in an effort to be heard.
3 RED ROBIN: Thanks for the lift Zinda. I'm sorry it was on such short notice, but I'm just learning the details of where I need to be myself.
Panel 4. The "camera" now shows the beautiful Zinda Blake, better known as "Lady Blackhawk", flying the plane. Wearing a World War 2 era pilots' cap she is in her element.
4 ZINDA: Trust me RR it isn't a problem. I mean us hero types aren't known for flying commercial anyway.
Panel 5. Red Robin, no longer seated, is standing on the side of the plane ready to leap off into the sky.
5 ZINDA (OP): Are you sure you don't need me to provide the extraction? Robin! Robin!
PAGE TWO (6 panels)
Panel 1. Top-down view of the plane, now missing an occupant. Zinda, noticing the absence of Red Robin's voice, has turned around in her seat.
6 ZINDA: Damn it. Why can't anyone in this business ever just say goodbye?
Panel 2. Red Robin is falling through the clouds at a rapid pace. A smile is on his face as he prepares to try out his new glider.
7 CAP: Using this experimental glider is probably a bad idea, but at the time I was lacking in options.
Panel 3. Red Robin's POV. Falling at an ever increasing rate towards the ground, Robin can see a some kind of market place beneath him.
8 CAP: Its now or never. Either this glider works or I end up a very large, very dead blood splatter.
Panel 4. Red Robin's hand reaches out and presses a button on his chest plate.
Panel 5. The glider on Red Robin's back is malfunctioning. Lines of electricity crackle all around the short circuiting device.
9 CAP: Crap. With the ground so near I have no time to try out anything else.
Panel 6. Close up on Red Robin's face. The eye slits on his mask are wide open as he prepares to meet the end.
PAGE THREE (5 panels)
Panel 1. Fifty seconds before Red Robin meets his grisly demise, Serifan is in the market place haggling, over the price of an apple, with a middle eastern shop owner.
10 CAP: Fifty seconds before Tim Drake's crash.
11 SERIFAN: 30 gold pieces for this apple?! For this one apple? You must be out of your mind.
12 SHOP OWNER: My friend, times are hard all over, but for you I make it 5 silvers.
13 SERIFAN: That is more like it Aethir. I will see you again next week.
Panel 2. Turning from the shop Serifan bites into the apple while looking up into the sky.
14 CAP: Thirty seconds before the crash.
Panel 3. Close in on the apple, which Serifan let fall onto the ground upon noticing Red Robin about to crash land.
15 SERIFAN (OP): Mother Box! That earth man is about to die. Do something and quick.
Panel 4. Mother Box, a sentient computer used by the New Gods, sets up a platform beneath the spot Red Robin is about to crash into. Invisible to the human eye, Serifan is able to see it due to his connection to Mother Box.
16 CAP: Ten seconds before the crash.
Panel 5. Red Robin is five feet above the platform, ready to crash into his destiny.
17 CAP: Five seconds before the crash.
PAGE FOUR (5 panels)
Panel 1. Red Robin lands on the platform .
18 CAP: Zero seconds before the crash.
Panel 2. Red Robin is laying facedown on the platform, which to the human eye appears to be thin air. Serifan is standing next to him.
19 RED ROBIN: I don't feel very dead.
20 SERIFAN: That's because you're not, my costumed friend. Mother Box saved your life from certain doom.
21 RED ROBIN: You have access to a mother box? You must be one of the New Gods.
Panel 3. Red Robin, standing on top of the platform, has caused a small gathering of people who are shocked to see a man standing on thin air. A few people in the crowd are recording the "miracle" on their cell phones.
22 RED ROBIN: Wait, I've seen your face on the Bat Computer. You must be Serifan. Aren't you one of The Forever People?
23 SERIFAN: Yes I am one of them, but the more important question is, what brings you to Cairo?
Panel 4. Red Robin and Serifan, walking out of the market place, are going over the details of why Red Robin is there.
24 RED ROBIN: There were reports that the Sun Cult was headquartered here in Cairo. Normally I don't deal with cults, but this one is involved with human trafficking. Batman thought I should start dealing with them.
25 SERIFAN: So you need my help in dealing with these bastards. Well never fear because your new friend Serifan is here.
26 RED ROBIN: I didn't ask for any help Serifan. These guys are dangerous and I can't be liable for your safety.
Panel 5. Serifan is holding Red Robin by his shoulders and looking directly at him.
27 SERIFAN: You don't understand, my friend. This Sun Cult you seek is responsible for the theft of Beautiful Dreamer's mother box. I have to help you save her. Besides I'm a New God, do you really think I am unable to defend myself?
28 RED ROBIN: Well I guess I could use the extra manpower. Okay, we can save the mother box.
PAGE FIVE (5 panels)
Panel 1. A kicked open door reveals Red Robin and Serifan.
29 CAP: So we stormed the cult base.
Panel 2. Red Robin and Serifan both drop kick separate individual cult members. I mean this should be like Crouchiing Tiger type kicks. The two henchmen are kicked so hard their bodies leave the ground. Women and children are in the background fleeing.
30 CAP: Saved the slaves.
Panel 3. Serifan, standing at the foot of an altar, lifts up a mother box above his head.
31 CAP: And Serifan got the girl.
Panel 4. We are back on Zinda's plane. Red Robin, back in his copilot seat, is regaling Zinda with a retelling of his adventures.
32 RED ROBIN: It was as good a day as any hero can hope for.
33 ZINDA (OP): Well that's cool and all but how did you get back on the plane.
Panel 5. The "camera" is now focused on Zinda. Her face is confused.
34 RED ROBIN (OP): Mother Box made me a boom tube.
35 ZINDA: Mother Who? What the hell are you talking about.
35 CAP: THE END.