Fusion Jam - Rorshach vs. Wolverine

[Ugga Bugga]

Great feedback dean

[Beastie]

PAGE 05 (4 panels)
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Panel 1 (Long shot)
Wolverine and Rorschach are off the floating rock and are entering the wreckage of New York. We may see a large mound of wreckage ahead concealing the creature

RORSCHACH:
A lie. A sin. An abomination. It was supposed to bring world peace, a common foe for everyone in the world to fear and rally against. World peace through deceit.

Panel 2
Wolverine looking at Rorschach, giving advice.

WOLVERINE:
It won't work . . . at least not very long. Where I come from my kind would fit that description. No world peace there. (I find this reply a little random. I guess he's referring to his experience as a mutant - but the language and sentiment could be clearer. Or maybe something like 'Fear and sin brings nothing but death and destruction. I've been round long enough to know that's true.' would be more apt.)

Is there anything that doesn't smell horrible in this place'? (I take it this is just for light relief? - it might just end up taking space in the panel and, if its not really needed, I'd consider dropping it to let the image underneath breathe).

Panel 3
Now we are looking at Rorschach, he is continuing his speech.

RORSCHACH:
What's left of it still has massive psychic powers. It must have brought you here. To . . . I can't get close enough. (Close enough to what? I don't understand the sentence ) Anyway, again, the way that this panel feeds into the next is extremely abrupt. This panel must contain some visual information that makes the appearance of the tentacles in the next panel less random. Perhaps this panel should feature a close up shot of Wolvie's and Rorsharch's lower legs and feet [rather than the suggested image of Rorscharch's face] -- and the tentacles could be wriggling in from the sides of the page to grab their ankles etc?)

Panel 4 (Medium shot)
Tentacles have risen out of the wreckage, and grabbed Wolverine and Rorschach around the waist. They are being pulled into the air.

RORSCHACH:
I thought we were getting close.

WOLVERINE:
?!

[Beastie]

PAGE 06 (4 panels)
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Panel 1 (Medium Shot) (I'd suggest a big, half page 'loads'a crazy shit goin' on image here)
This is the big reveal make it take up as much of the page as possible without hurting the other panels. We see the squid monster from the end of Watchmen at last. It has burst out of the wreckage it was hiding under. It looks somewhat like a zombie version of the one from the book since it is incomplete. There should be missing pieces and a chunk of skeleton with exposed brains (yes squids don't have skeletons, but at that size is must have one, a pretty big brain to be psychic with too). One eye ought to be missing too. It has Wolverine and Rorschach in its clutches. Wolverine is about to lop off a tentacle to free himself. Rorschach seems resigned to his fate as squid food.

ZOMBIE GIANT SQUID MONSTER:
QWARRR. OORRAGH!

Panel 2(?) (Medium shot) (and because I'd bump panel 1 to taking up half a page - I'd suggest making the next couple of panels smaller -- and doing close-up snikt! chop! Slice! kinda images to indicate that Wolvie is cutting himself free. )
Wolverine has lopped off a tentacle and is leaping from it to free Rorschach.

Panel 3(?) (Medium shot)
Wolverine has just chopped off the tentacle holding Rorschach. It is falling slightly. Wolverine has slung Rorschach over his shoulder.

WOLVERINE:
It's trying to kill us! (I'm not sure a battle-hardened samurai wildman would 'state the obvious' in this way. I know that it feeds into Rorsharch's next comment -- but it still feels a little off to me. I'm not sure what to suggest though. Thoughts?).

Panel 4
The zombie giant squid monster is in pain in the background. Wolverine and Rorschach have retreated a (slightly) safe distance away.

RORSCHACH:
It isn't trying to kill us, it's writhing in agony. It wants to be put out of its misery.

[Popninja]

I apologize for this coming down to the wire. I had him in his yellow/black costume with the stripes, so I had to quick fix that this afternoon(snow days, I guess, are good for something). Then I found out it should be colored, so I did that real quick. But... I got a Mac for Christmas and my Mustek doesn't work with it. I also haven't been able to get a good photo editing program for it yet, either. I had to color it with markers because I don't have my Photoshop anymore. Excuses, excuses, I know...

[Ugga Bugga]

looks good pop

[ajkarp]

Popninja, I hope you don't mind me tweaking your Wolverine. I had to rescale both figures to fit a common universe. I'm still not totally sure.

[Beastie]

PAGE 07 (5 panels)
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Panel 1 (Medium shot/Close-up)
Wolverine has a distasteful look on his face. Both heroes should be visible as at least talking heads.

WOLVERINE:
You're right. Nothing should have to suffer like that. (in the space of 3 panels, Wolverine has shouted 'Its trying to kill us!' - been told that it's not - and then agreed very quickly with Rorschach that the creature is, indeed in agony'. I would suggest, instead, that Wolverine says 'Hmmm. Then we should end that suffering'. To me, this would indicate that he's not strictly 'believing' what Rorscach has said -- but that he intends to kill the creature regardless of whatever motive is put forward.)

RORSCHACH:
Of course......... once it's dead you have no hope of returning home.(added a pause for dramatic effect)

Panel 2 (Medium shot)
Wolverine pulls a revolver from a dead police officer laying on the ground and hands it to Rorschach.(very difficult to show him taking a revolver from a police officer AND handing it to Rorscach in a single image. It might need an additional little panel in there somewhere, IMO.)

WOLVERINE:
You distract it. I'll sneak up on it. (I suggest: 'You distract it. I'll do what I do best').

RORSCHACH:
Not that there was ever a chance anyway. (I'm seeing this comment as being linked to his comment in the previous panel, yes? If so, I think it would work to have this lettered in a smaller font - to indicate that he is really just muttering the comment under his breath - rather than speaking it openly. To me, that would suit his mood of resignation more - and negate the fact that the comment is not related to what Wolverine has said to him).

Panel 3
We should be able to see the Monster, it is closing in on Rorschach. Rorschach is holding the gun in the air and shooting to catch the monster's attention. (I think we should also see a little Wolvie cameo in the background as he runs off)

RORSCHACH:
You want me!? Come and get me!

SFX
BANG! BANG!

Panel 4
Wolverine is cutting his way through tentacles around the back side of the creature, it looks surprised.

Panel 5
Wolverine is on the monsters head at the joint between the skull and tentacles. He has his arm pulled back ready to strike.

WOLVERINE:
Sorry...

[Beastie]

PAGE 08 (6 panels)
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Panel 1
Make this one a pretty big one. Wolverine has just sliced and diced the monsters brain. Monster blood and guts are spilling out and filling the streets. Rorschach drops the gun and looks on from the foreground. (Rather than jump from 'he's about to hit the creature' in the previous panel - to a point where he's already hit the creature in this panel - I think we need to see that killing blow. I therefore propose that in this image, we see Wolverine with his claws driven into the creature's head)

ZOMBIE GIANT SQUID MONSTER:
Wwrraagh...

Panel 2
Wolverine and Rorschach are standing in the foreground looking at the mess.(very abrupt change of position for Wolvie. Perhaps just have Rorschach in the foreground - but have Wolverine climbing down the creature's tentacles to get to the ground. He's literally only just killed it....)

WOLVERINE:
That was horrible. Poor thing.(I'm not feeling this sensitive reaction. It feels a little bit too much like something my mum would say. I would replace it with 'It's done.')

Panel 3
Another person teleports in. This time not in pain. The silhouette is Nightcrawler's.

SFX:
Bamf!

Panel 4 (Medium shot)
Nightcrawler has appeared. He has a harness around him tied to a rope leading to an open portal. We do not see Rorschach or Wolverine in the foreground just yet.

NIGHTCRAWLER:
Wolverine! There you are, we've been looking for you all over. Had to get the Fantastic Four's help just to get here. Lets go before the portal closes!' (This feels a little wordy to me - especially given the extreme urgency of the situation - and I think it could be cut to 'Wolverine! Quick, get to the portal!')

Panel 5 (Medium shot)
Wolverine is headed toward the portal, Nightcrawler is ushering him in. Wolverine is looking back.

WOLVERINE:
Got room for one more? (This, to me, could almost just mean he's referring to himself going into the portal. I suggest we clarify that he means an additional man by saying something like 'You got room for 3 of us?')

NIGHTCRAWLER:
There's nobody else here! We have to go! (In response to the changed text above, Nightcrawler would just say '3?')


Panel 6 (Medium shot)
Rorschach steps out from the side of a decaying building and stares at the closing portal.

WOLVERINE'S VOICE:
Where did he go? (I suggest that we indicate Wolverine's speech by just having a speech bubble coming out of the portal saying 'Huh? where did...?' -- and then its over and we see Rorscharch's journal entry).

CAPTION (Journal font):
Leave one world of death and disease for another. I just can't do it.

SFX:
Bamf!

CAPTION (at the bottom of the frame and page)
The End.

The main reason that I've trimmed the language at the end is that the text has been quite light throughout the previous 7 pages - and to have it suddenly bulk up on words in the last few panels feels wrong to me. It almost feels like we'd been cramming in as much info as possible - just to tie things up on page 8 - rather than spill over into another page).

In fact, and this might get shot down immediately, why don't we end page 8 with wolverine saying wha? going into the portal -- and have page 9 as a single page image of Rorsharch coming out of the shadows - looking at the closed portal and surrounding destruction and THEN see his journal entry. I think that would let page 8 breathe a little more - and improve the pace of the closing events (which currently feel rushed).

So, those are my initial thoughts on the story.

[Ugga Bugga]

excellent analysis Beastie.

segludian, Do you think you can do a rewrite incorporating these changes, say by Sunday?

[necenarro]

Dean, some great editing and suggestions (like the cutting of dialogue, and page 9 add on!). Segludian, nice script! Thanks for taking up the call.