Hi my name is Tim Shelton and I have been a writer since I was fifteen I am now thirty-seven. I am look for some feedback on my stuff so thought this would be a good place to go after I found it.
This here script is a rewrite of a script that I did a few years ago. I redid it because a gut on Digital Webbing was looking for a short script to work on. Kind of my take on the EC comics twist ending thing. Hope you like but even if you don't post anyway bad feedback can be more helpful that good. This is just a first draft so please forgive any typos and stupid grammatical errors.
Page One:
Panel 1: A tractor trailer drives down the road in the middle of the night.
Panel 2: Inside the cab a large man with a heavy beard, longish hair, a cap on his head and wearing a plaid shirt sits behind the wheel. He looks tired.
Panel 3: Another man, this one younger, wearing a parka with shaggy hair and a few days growth of beard sits in the passenger seat.
CAPTION: I WALKED FOR THREE DAYS BEFORE THIS GUY PICKED ME UP.
Panel 4: The man sits there looking out the window.
CAPTION: IT AMAZES ME HOW YOU CAN NEVER GET A RIDE IN SOME PARTS OF THE COUNTRY.
Panel 5: The man leans forward and places his hands on the heater vent.
CAPTION: IT’S THE OPPOSITE OF WHAT YOU WOULD THINK TOO. IN THE CITYALMOST ANYONE WILL PICK YOU UP.
Panel 6: He looks over to the driver and smiles. The driver smiles back.
CAPTION: BUT IN THE COUNTRY, CARS WILL DRIVE PAST FOR DAYS AND DAYS THE SOCCER MOMS JUST LOOKING AT YOU.
Page Two:
Panel 1: He leans back in the seat and closes his eyes for a moment.
CAPTION: IT’S LIKE THEY THINK YOUR SOME KIND OF SERIAL KILLER...
Panel 2: He opens his eyes and looks at the truck driver again.
CAPTION: ...AND THAT ‘S EXACTLY WHAT I AM.
Panel 3: The truck driver starts talking to him.
TRUCK DRIVER: SO YOU BEEN TRAVELING LONG?
MAN: FOR ABOUT TWO WEEKS. MY WIFE KICKED ME OUT.
CAPTION: I ESCAPED FROM A HICK JAIL TWO WEEKS AGO.
Panel 4: The driver looks sad at that thought.
CAPTION: SINCE THEN I’VE LEFT SIX CORPSES ACROSS THIS STATE AND THE LAST.
DRIVER: THAT’S BAD. I GOT TROUBLE WITH MY OLD LADY TOO THE TRUCKING LING AINT CONSISTENT WITH HAVING A FAMILY.
MAN: MMMM.
Panel 5: The driver keeps talking.
DRIVER: SHE DON’T UNDERSTAND. I GOTTA BE ON THE ROAD WORKING SO WE CAN LIVE THE WAY SHE’S USED TO.
CAPTION: PLEASE, YOU DON’T WANT TO COME OFF THE ROAD BECAUSE OF THE GAMES AND LOT LIZARDS.
Panel 6: The truck driver looks out the window his eyes are hollow as if he is looking at nothing.
DRIVER: I MEAN WHAT AM I GONNA DO? SIT AT HOME AND CHANGE DIAPERS AND GO GROCERY SHOPPING. THAT’S NO LIFE FOR A MAN.
CAPTION: OH GOD! THIS GUY IS ASKING FOR IT. WHAT A PIECE OF CRAP.
Page 3:
Panel 1: The truck driver glances over at the man.
DRIVER: YOU GOT ANY KIDS?
MAN: NO, NEVER WANTED THEM.
CAPTION: TRUTH IS I KILLED THEM WITH MY WIFE THREE YEARS AGO JUST LIKE I’M GONNA KILL HIM.
Panel 2: The truck driver and the man sit there in silence for a moment.
Panel 3: The truck driver smiles real wide and points up ahead.
DRIVER: HEY CHECK IT OUT, THERE’S A SERVICE CENTER UP AHEAD YOU WANNA STRETCH YOUR LEGS?
Panel 4: He smiles at the truck driver.
MAN: SURE MAYBE WE CAN GET SOMETHING TO EAT TOO.
TRUCK DRIVER: OH YEAH, FOOD, GAMES, WOMEN, THESE THINGS GOT WHATEVER YOU NEED.
Panel 5: The truck pulls into a large parking lot there’s a sign on the edge of it that says: TIMEOUT SERVICE CENTER.
Page Four:
Panel 1: They pull into a spot behind the service center where it’s dark.
CAPTION: AWESOME. HE PICKED A SPOT WHERE WE CAN DO OUR BUSINESS WITH NO INTERUPTIONS.
Panel 2: The driver gets out and smiles up at the man.
DRIVER: JUST HANG OUT IN HERE WHERE IT’S WARM I GOTTA CHECK MY LOAD FIRST.
Panel 3: The man sits there while the truck driver starts to the back of the truck.
Panel 4: The man pulls a knife out of his pocket and looks at it.
CAPTION: WHEN HE GET’S BACK IN I’LL CUT HIS THROAT AND BE DONE WITH HIM.
Panel 5: The truck driver is back at the door the man shoves the knife into his pocket.
DRIVER: CAN YOU HELP ME IN THE BACK THERE?
Panel 6: The man gets out of the truck while the driver stands back.
MAN: SURE.
DRIVER: I APPRECIATE THIS ORDINARILY I WOULDN’T ASK BUT SOMETHING CAM LOOSE AND I CAN’T LIFT IT.
Page Five:
Panel 1: They walk to the back of the truck.
MAN: OH YOU’RE FINE I DON’T MIND TO HELP.
CAPTION: THIS IS IT. IT COULDN’T BE HAPPENING MORE PERFECTLY.
Panel 2: They come to the back of the truck and look at the closed doors.
TRUCK DRIVER: YOU READY FOR THIS?
MAN: DEFINITELY.
Panel 3: The truck driver opens the door smiling at the man.
Panel 4: He stands there and motions to the interior of the truck.
TRUCK DRIVER: GO AHEAD HAVE A LOOK.
Panel 5: The man steps forward his face turns to a mask of shock and panic.
MAN: OKAY WHAT DO YOU...WHAT THE...
Page Six:
Panel 1: Inside trailer there are a bunch of corpses hanging from hooks.
Panel 2: The man turns and looks at the truck driver who is shoving him into the back of the truck.
Panel 3: The truck driver is holding him by the arm as he tries to get away.
Panel 4: The door slams shut.
Panel 5: The truck sits in the dark quiet lot.
Howdy Mahnmut/Tim, welcome to Penciljack.
Now, I could really tear into this piece since I work as an editor. But since I'm not on the clock and I don't want to beat you up too badly since you just got here, I'll just point out one thing.
Becareful of word order. You just informed your artist the young man is wearing a hairy parka. You'd be unpleasantly surprised when he/she turned the pages back into you.Originally Posted by Mahnmut
Hi Tim, I'm also new to this site, and although nothing like good enough to be an editor, I would echo Wo-Nellie’s helpful observations. Bad spelling, grammar and punctuation are the prefect way to lose a reader's concentration and 'take them' out of the story (especially in a suspenseful piece like yours where you are counting on the reader to immerse themselves in your story so the 'shock' ending really hits them.) If you don't know any editors, it's still worthwhile getting a friend or family member to just read through and pick out the obvious mistakes.
Like Wo-Nellie, I'm not trying to criticize your story, in fact you are writing in my favourite format, the self-contained short story with a 'twist' (I know it as the "Future Shocks" format from the UK comic 2000AD) and as I've posted my own 5 page short story on another thread here in the last few days I'm sure I have now opened myself up to having MY grammar picked to pieces
Anyway, good luck with the writing. Be nice to see what else you have put together.
matt.h
Thanks for the feedback. It would seem that in my excitement to get something online and critiqued I missed a final proofreading. Reading through on the board I have noticed that perhaps I wasn't quite ready for posting.
But this is what I wanted for sure. The only person I have to read my scripts is my wife and she is unbelievably supportive to the point that she she will not be constuctive with her criticism. In other words everything I write to her is great.
But did anyone like the story or did the grammar mistakes take away from it so much that you couldn't tell if it was a good story or not?
I liked the story. I found the all caps annoying, but the story itself was pretty solid. Reminded me of the twilight zone, or creep show. I guessed what was going to happen, but I still found it entertaining.
I'm fairly new here myself, and just submitted my first script to be torn apart, so I am not an expert by any means, but I would like to point out a few things I noticed that you might want to change.
Panel 1: He leans back in the seat and closes his eyes for a moment.
Better: He is leaned back in the seat, his eyes closed.
Panel 1: They pull into a spot behind the service center where it’s dark.
How do we know they are behind the service center?
What can we see in the panel that tells us that?
The way you wrote your story, you're describing their actions, which would be normally fine in a different format, but when writing comics, your goal is to describe everything you see, so that the artist knows exactly what to put in each panel.
Also, I would change your captions as well, to make it seem like the narrator is talking directly to the truck driver all of the time. you did it here:
CAPTION: PLEASE, YOU DON’T WANT TO COME OFF THE ROAD BECAUSE OF THE GAMES AND LOT LIZARDS
but not here:
TRUTH IS I KILLED THEM WITH MY WIFE THREE YEARS AGO JUST LIKE I’M GONNA KILL HIM.
Better: Truth is I killed them, along with my wife three years ago, just like I'm gonna kill you!
I am not an expert by any means, and I am not trying to rip apart your first post.
I did enjoy the story, and would like to see more of your work here on the forums. Also, I struggle with spelling and grammar. Without spell check I would go crazy. But sometimes all it takes is another pair of eyes to help out.
Feel free to PM me with anything you need someone to look over.
Don't take anyone's crits here as insults. People here are great, and anything they say is just trying to help out. If you have thin skin, it will get to you, but no one here is intentionally trying to discourage you.
Anyway, Welcome to Pencil Jack!
Liked the story. Enjoyed the slow, suspenseful build to the reveal. Also the juxtaposition between the thoughts of the passenger and what he actually tells the driver works well.
I’m afraid that I found lines like “AWESOME. HE PICKED A SPOT WHERE WE CAN DO OUR BUSINESS WITH NO INTERUPTIONS.” and “THIS IS IT. IT COULDN’T BE HAPPENING MORE PERFECTLY” - unfortunately telegraphed the nature of the upcoming twist in the story. The best twists are those you don’t seem coming. Maybe look to expand a little on the character of the driver or introduce a further plot point to steer the reader away from suspecting that the driver will turn out to be the killer.
Keep working on stuff and keep posting. The only way to be a writer is to write.
I honestly have to say that this is a great board.
This began as a twelve pager that a friend used for a submission to showcase his art. But the person that I rewrote it for only wanted five pages so I cut it down. The original did have a little more exposition and interaction between the driver and the hitch hiker.
As far as all caps are you referring to the dialogue? I put the dialogue in all caps because that's the way it will appear in a finished book. I know though that in script form it can feel like the characters are all screaming their dialogue, though but that's just the way I like to do it.
Also I have never been one to do ultra detailed scripts. To me (and this is just me I am not saying this about anyone else) it feels kind of wrong to say to an artist "No, you will draw this not that." I wouldn't want anyone to constrain my freedom of expression and I don't want to do that to anyone else. In my scripts you will not see alot of detail as far as backgrounds and costumes and things of that nature simply because I love to see what the artist can come up with on his own. As long as the story is there that is my concern all the rest of it is subjective. Now if there is something that absolutely has to be there in the script like a murder weapon or something I will put that in and make sure the artist knows it has to be there. I have had a couple of my scripts drawn by people and I have to tell you that there is no happier surprise to me than to get the pages and find something there that I didn't intend but that works really well. Comics are a collaborative artform and to me it's all about what each person brings to the table not just following a set of directions I have layed down.
Also I have a very thick skin. No one on this board can be as harsh to me as I am to myself when it comes to my writing and I am sure that that is true of all of us. Agai,n thank you for taking time out of your lives to read my little story I appreciate it immensely and in the next few days I'll be looking at others and returning the favor.
Some people do the all caps thing for all dialogue and captions. I am not saying it's wrong, I just find it annoying personally... I dunno why...
Thar's cool I just feel like a have to explain everything I do. That's just one of my quirks I guess, It annoys the crud out of my wife!
The caps lock didn't bother me as much as the lack of spacing. Polish it up a bit and you have a pretty fun little story.
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