DRAFT SCRIPT: tell me if you love it or hate it

[sevara]

I'm writing a fantasy epic. I'm a playwright, and this is my first comic book script. Please be brutally honest and tell me what you think. Do you want to read more? Can the artist understand what to draw? You can see a mock up of the cover here: http://www.damianwampler.com/damianwampler/news/?p=519

Sevara: Destroyer of Worlds
2 issue mini series
By Damian Wampler

Advent of Harmony Part 1

PAGE ONE (five panels)
Panel 1. Close up of an infant girl's dazzling face from the point of view of her FATHER cradling her in his left hand. We can see that the baby SEVARA's head rests gently in her FATHER's palm. She is wrapped in an old piece of cloth, and she stares up peacefully. Only a faint light illuminates her face, and she looks like a cherub or an angel. We already have the impression that one day she'll rule the world.

FATHER (OP, SINGING SOFTLY):
Ring ring go the bells, ring ring go the bells, up in the tower…

Panel 2. Close up of SEVARA's twin sister, ALONYA, resting on FATHER's right arm. He also holds her head in his hand. This child's eyes reveal panic and fear, it is clear that she is on the verge of tears. The two panels together create a first person perspective from FATHER's point of view, cradling one infant in each arm.

FATHER (OP, SINGING SOFTLY):
Pappas commin on a horse in just one hour.

Panel 3. Wide narrow panel. We see FATHER and MOTHER from above as they crouch in a dark crawlspace in their house, their backs pressed against a thin wall. Cobwebs, cans of rations, and cracked floorboards can been made out in he dim light. MOTHER rests her head on FATHER's shoulder and helps him soothe the infant ALONYA in his right hand to keep her from crying. A deathly voice cuts through the air, and we can see motion on the other side of the wall – lasers, probes, and shadows of dark figures.

SOLDIER 1 (OP):
We.

SOLDIER 1 (OP):
Will.

SOLDIER 1 (OP):
Not.

Panel 4. Medium shot, ground level, of MOTHER and FATHER holding the two babies. FATHER kneels crouched in the dusty hiding spot uncomfortably, while MOTHER's knees are pulled under her body and she sits next to him helping to calm ALONYA. Their clothes are tattered but we get the impression that they attempted to put themselves together with dignity. The two are frozen with fear, praying that they won't be detected.

SOLDIER 1 (OP):
Stop.

SOLDIER 1 (OP):
Until the last--

Panel 5. Close up of MOTHER and FATHER, their cheeks almost touching, and they nestle their faces near baby ALONYA's face to try to soothe her despite the fear they themselves feel. Keeping her quiet is the only thing that will keep them alive.

SOLDIER 1 (OP):
--of your kind--

PAGE TWO (four panels)

Panel 1. Establishing shot, large panel. Two shock troopers step cautiously through the open doorway of MOTHER and FATHER's classical stone house, revealing a snowy night and the ruined skyline of a historic city in the background. Their uniforms are familiar those of any despotic and feared regime, but the exact nationality and time period is indiscernible – this is a different Era, one that is going through the pangs of industrialization and cruel dictatorships. Their technology has developed slightly differently than ours has, as their weapons and armor hint at both our future and past. The two grip guns and blades with deadly menace. One thing is certain – they have a grim objective and terrifying power. Laser probes scan the room. They are on the hunt.

SOLDIER 1:
--are destroyed.

SOLDER 2:
Sir, I have something.

Panel 2. Wide panel, medium shot of MOTHER and FATHER cradling the two babies as before.

SFX: Slam!

MOTHER (Whispering):
Are they gone?

FATHER (Whispering):
No. Shhh, quiet.

MOTHER (whispering):
What about my parents?

Panel 3. Very close up on baby SEVARA's eyes.

FATHER (OP):
They'll be safe.

Panel 4. Very close up of a beautiful young woman, same shot as previous panel. She has the same eyes as in the previous panel. It is SEVARA, 23 years later. She is young and vibrant.

CAP (SEVARA): That day, I lived.

FATHER: "It's almost over!"



PAGE THREE (six panels)

Panel 1. Wide panel. We now have a brief glimpse into SEVARA's future. A lone silhouette stumbles through a desert wasteland, she and the earth are victims of a planet-consuming war.

CAP (S):
And this day, I died.

PALAS:
"It is finished."

ALTA:
"Yes. The Great Sleep has come."

Panel 2. Small panel. Medium on the shrouded figure as she stumbles and falls. We can tell she's near death. Starvation has driven her to madness, yet we see a look of satisfaction on her face nonetheless.

ALTA:
"Time to forget all the hate. All the selfishness."

ALTA:
"The greed."

Panel 3. Wide panel, no frame. SEVARA has fallen into the dust and left for dead. She looks frail and battered, no more than a ragdoll in a dirty cloak.

ALTA:
"We have done it."

Panel 4. Small panel. Medium on SEVARA's outstretched had, motionless. Another figure, ALTA, approaches in a swirling white cloak. She is majestic and noble, looking out of place on the scorched plain. Her foot stops inches from SEVARA's hand. ALTA observes the dead figure unmoved, seeming to know the cause and outcome. She is the million-year old leader of a clan of immortals, and her followers call her GREAT MOTHER.

ALTA:
"Paradise?"

ALTA:
"Nirvana?"

ALTA:
"Utopia?"

PALAS:
"Great Mother, there are no words for what we have done."

Panel 5. Medium sized panel, wide shot of ALTA and PALAS, leaders of the clan of immortals, stand in the Cove of the Great Sleep. It is a secluded nest made of reeds and curved trees. SEVARA, beautiful and strong, approaches the cove hesitantly. All wear simple monk-like robes, and they all carry a long wooden wind instrument, intricately carved with tribal markings. It is hundreds of thousands of years since the war of wars ravaged the earth, since SEVARA's parents were lost, since SEVARA fell in the wasteland, and since ALTA saved her. The earth has been transformed into a simple agrarian society, and the two talk urgently about plans that have been in motion for centuries to preserve this peace.

CAP (S):
Seven hundred thousand years later…

PALAS:
But Sevara still walks. You should have sent her to Otherside eons ago. There's no time to waste!

ALTA:
Great Father, leave us.

Panel 6. Medium sized panel. Close up on ALTA and SEVARA. ALTA beckons SEVARA to kneel. SEVARA is stunningly beautiful, her charismatic face able to end wars and bring even the most hated enemies to the negotiation table. Her beauty stems from her compassion for life and her thousands of years of experience healing and guiding the twisted and lost. She has also done battle, suffered and risen again, and her endurance shines through her modest dress. ALTA also had such beauty once, and allowed it to fade to demonstrate her severity and seniority. SEVARA, the youngest of the group, reveals on her face that she knows a day of reckoning has come. ALTA acts with a sense of urgency, pulling her long wind pipe from off her back and starting the Hypersleep ritual. Both feel that something is terribly awry, but ALTA is blind to the source and would rather move forward than investigate.

ALTA:
Sevara, kneel. The time of the Great Sleep is upon us.

ALTA:
Time to release all memories of what has come before.

CAP (S):
Time to die again.

SEVARA:
But Great Mother, I need more time!

PAGE FOUR (seven panels)

Panel 1. Very small panel, no frame. The first three panels are of SEVARA's eyes as she lies down on her back. In the first, she her eyes are wide open, looking up. The panels run down the left side of the page.

Panel 2. Very small panel, no frame. SEVARA's eyes are half shut.

Panel 3. Very small panel, no frame. SEVARA's eyes are shut completely.

Panel 4. Large establishing panel. Medium of ALTA standing over the sleeping form of SEVARA in the quiet, secluded sacred cove of the Great Sleep where the group will erase their memories and go into a stasis. Their goal – to be born again as mortals in the next Era. ALTA plays her long wooden wind instrument. This is the tool of the Legion of Light – its sounds can cast images, control cellular mitosis and bring on the Great Sleep. It also conceals a deadly blade. The shadowy figure of PALAS lurks in the distance. Called GREAT FATHER by his followers, he is more barbaric than ALTA and less forgiving. The dialog occurs as SEVARA's eyes slowly close in the panels to the left.

ALTA:
Quickly now Sevara, into Hypersleep, before Great Father returns.

SEVARA:
What will happen if I keep just one memory? Just one…

ALTA:
Nonsense!

ALTA:
What memory do you speak of?

SEVARA:
It's a letter my father wrote to my twin sister. He described our ancestry, the war, and ... He left it for me, so I would know.

ALTA:
I've been inside your mind, I know no such letter.

SEVARA:
I kept it, even from you.

ALTA:
You are stronger than I thought.

SEVARA:
What harm could it do?


ALTA:
You must promise to erase this memory in Hypersleep, no matter how dear it is to you.

SEVARA:
But I don't yet know what it means!

ALTA:
Great Father comes, his blade is drawn. Promise me you'll forget.

SEVARA:
I love you.

ALTA:
This is your test Sevara. Sleep, and forget. Let go, let go. Shhh.

Panel 5. Small panel. PALAS emerges from the shadow and into the clearing. He also wears simple dark robes and wields the long wind instrument ALTA carries.

PALAS:
Deceitful little witch.

ALTA:
I trust she'll do the right thing.

Panel 6. A wide shot of PALAS approaching ALTA, who stands over the tiny form of SEVARA in the clearing. He draws a long sword from inside the musical pipe and advances towards the two of them ready to strike SEVARA.

PALAS:
We can't take that risk. Her disease will spread, and all our work will be for nothing.

ALTA:
You've trusted my judgment all these millions of years.

PALAS:
Until today.

Panel 7. Very close up on PALAS' face. It is full of surprise and agony.

PALAS:
What have you done?

PAGE FIVE (six panels)

Panel 1. Larger panel. We see PALAS' back, with ALTA facing us. ALTA's own blade protrudes from his back, and some blood flies. PALAS releases his sword. We see the pain from the blade spasm his muscles, yet the pain of betrayal washes over him with even more bitter agony.

SFX:
Zik!

Panel 2. Medium of PALAS as he slumps to the ground. ALTA descends with him, holding his head tenderly. We see from her expression that she did what she had to do, despite the loss of her friend and lover.

ALTA:
Dearest Palas, I'd hoped we'd meet in Otherside. Now, a different sleep awaits you.

PALAS:
This was your test, dear Alta--

PALAS:
--and you failed.

Panel 3. Wide shot of ALTA standing over the sleeping figure of SEVARA. ALTA's still bloody sword is now at SEVARA's neck. She has rethought her decision.

ALTA:
Wisest Palas, better it was Sevara's blood I spilled today.

ALTA:
Look how her treachery invades us all. Logic says, kill her now.

Panel 4. Small panel. Close up on ALTA's hand as she releases the sword and throws it aside suddenly.

ALTA:
Great Father, forgive me! Logic is not what sways me now.

Panel 5. Close up on SEVARA's peaceful sleeping face. We are charmed by its innocence.

ALTA (OP):
Silly Sevara. Wars and suffering are things of forgetting.

ALTA (OP):
I'll never know if you kept your promise--

ALTA (OP):
--and on Otherside you'll be a stranger to me.

Panel 6. Wide shot, of the two figures, SEVARA and ALTA lying side by side in the grass, peacefully asleep. The dead body of PALAS is strewn to the side.

That's my preview. I've written the entire first issue, and I'm going to turn the first story into a two issue mini series (thanks Red Fox for the suggestion!). I'm looking for a creative team and I'll pitch it to publishers or self publish. Let me know what you think. Thanks!!! www.damianwampler.com

[Red Fox]

Hi, thanks for posting this. I'm sure you are eager to get some feedback. I didn't read everything but I noticed one glaring problem right off the bat. Its that it is a 10 issue mini series. In reality, there are no publishers that would pick up a mini that long. Even the independents would most likely pass because 10 issues are a big risk to take. My advice would be to trim this down and find a smaller contained story for Severa. Find some way to make it a unique 2 or 4 issue story and you will have a better chance at getting it picked up.

Your descriptions seem good. The best advice is that you clearly state what you want because very often if you assume they know what you want they will most likely miss it. Artists follow your direction so be specific.

Good luck and i hope this helps.

[Shaun]

I agree with the above poster, don't be afraid to speak directly to your artist and tell them what you're going for. I know in playwriting and screenwriting it's taboo to speak directly to the director but in comics it's acceptable. I thought the descriptions were adequate beyond that. You might want to watch the amount of dialogue on page 4, panel 4; it might be a little cluttered. Also it helps to add the character descriptions the first time we see them (I think Palas' description comes a bit later than his introduction).

As far as your question of whether we want to read more, I'm not sure I would keep reading based on these 5 pages. We start out following the story of this couple trying to protect their children while being hunted and I'm invested in that but then it just abruptly ends without explaining how only this girl survived, so as a reader I feel a little cheated. Then we jump ahead and Sevara is rescued from death by this strange clan, which leaves me with more questions about what she's been doing the last 15 odd years. I'm not entirely sure why they have to take this great sleep or why Palas wants to kill Sevara. Again, I'm sure later pages and issues answer these questions but without understanding what's going on it's hard to be invested in the character's journey. Also the title doesn't really draw me in, Sevara doesn't really conjure anything mentally and the Oppenheimer reference, "Destroyer of worlds" has been a little over-used in the last 50 odd years.

I don't hate it but I'm not sure I'm loving it yet. Maybe if the first five pages focused more on invested us in Sevara and less on the complex world she's in it might hook me better. But of course this is just my opinion, so take it with a grain of salt. And thanks for sharing.

[sevara]

Thanks everyone for the thoughts and suggestions. I think it is a great idea to introduce readers to my character with a two issue mini, and if fans like it and I don't go bankrupt, I can tell the rest of the story in other minis or do a 4 part story.

Let me know if you want to read more!

[mikek]

I started reading this, and liked where you were going with the couple protecting their daughters, and I thought it was a good intro, but then you flashed forward, and I too felt cheated. My suggestion would be to tell the whole story behind the home invasion, without jumping back and forth with flashbacks/flash forwards.
As a screen play, I think all of the op dialogue works well, but it gets a bit confusing when characters start talking off panel that we haven't been introduced to.
I have found that OP speaking generally only works well when one or more characters is shown in a nearby panel.
As a screenplay, we'd have their voices, which would help define what's going on a bit better, but in a comic, unfortunatly we don't.

These are really the only crits I have.
I think your panel descriptions are fine they way they are, and I think you do a good job telling the artist what you want.
I admitably stopped reading around page 4, but only because it's late here :P