Super Strong Club - pitch in progress - feedback wanted

**Ugga Bugga** · 08-10-2010, 08:16 AM

I am working on a pitch, redoing the stuff for Super Strong Club. Since I am really taking my time on this stuff, I am going to put it in here, and show progress on stuff. Feedback is greatly appreciated, as I want to make this the best I possibly can, given my skill set such as it is.

I have two versions of Page One. Which one is preferable?

**Ugga Bugga** · 08-10-2010, 08:17 AM

This is page two. I have not yet spent time cleaning it up.

**Ugga Bugga** · 08-10-2010, 08:18 AM

this is page three.......

**Beastie** · 08-10-2010, 08:31 AM

I think the first option works better.

Setting the scene with the statement 'It has been 2 years since Super Strong Club disbanded' makes sense and opens the door for the subsequent conversation.

To put that statement at the end of the page jars the flow slightly, IMO.

**Ugga Bugga** · 08-10-2010, 08:34 AM

I also think the page looks better stylistically. Probably because I have rudimentary PS skills at best.

**Beastie** · 08-10-2010, 08:37 AM

Page 2: Considering how you have been playing with text and hand-drawn fonts - I think you could have done more with Spigdude's 'SIGH'. I could see that word shrinking and fading into nothingness (reflecting the nature of an audible sigh) - rather than being given its current treatment.

Reading the page out loud, I would also expect to see some emphasis somewhere in the statement 'I'm so over Super Strong Club' (possibly - 'I'm SO over Super Strong Club'.)

Page 3: Works for me (though could the pirate's panel have been shaped like a flag blowing in the wind? Hmmm.)