Liza Ray#1

[dushans]

hi everybody
This the first comic book of three issues.
I have writen,drawn and coloured it.
And it is a 22 page comic book.
tell me how is the story and art.
You can view the all the pages here.
http://dushans.deviantart.com/gallery/
thank you

[Popninja]

Well, first off, welcome to Penciljack.

When posting in the art labs, it's a good idea to post links to individual pages, not to an entire gallery. When posting a link to a gallery, you should do it in Bulletin Boards.

Your comic is very ambitious, but has TONS of problems; way too many for me to take the time to comment on right now. I will say, though, when writing and lettering a comic, the least you could do is spell check it before you finish it. I was turned off right from page one because there were several spelling errors, which is something I just can't tolerate when reading a comic. So, I didn't continue past page one. I did look at all the pages in thumbnail view and, like I said, it looks ambitious. Good luck with the rest of it.

[dushans]

ok, just check out the pictures and tell me the mistakes that i
have done with the art. i agree that i am not that good with the writing. i just want to know about the art. please take your time to review it, thats why i post it here in the first place, to learn my mistakes.
please note that this was done in 2003.

[brendon]

dushans, welcome to pj,

I see a lot of promise in the coloring and pencilling within these pages.

However, I have some complaints:

There seems to be a major technical issue between the pencilling and coloring stage. I think you just scanned the pencils and darkened the contrast? Or perhaps the inking just needs some tightening up. For readers to consider reading your comics, you have to have a truly professional image (90% of the time). I think that having loose drawing lines is ok, it looks artsy, but you have random drawing lines going out of the panels, and the panel borders are breaking up a lot. this could be fixed easily enough by making line boxes around each panel, in photoshop or something. If you made the box lines a little thick it would cover up the stuff going out of the panel...

At any rate, the first thing that stood out from a distance was the lack of background. I think a background really adds depth and imagery to each scene of a comic, I wouldn't leave it out, but this maybe an opinionated issue.

And I have to 2nd what popninja said. As troublesome as it might sound, you really do have to do a spelling and grammar check. If you were to see something with so many errors on the shelf at a comic shop you just wouldn't give it the time of day, even if the art was amazing. I'm a horrible speller too, maybe you can try typing your script into word or hotmail or something and do a quick spell check before you put it in the book. When I found out that my first printed comic had a single spelling error I almost shot myself. Believe it or not, people hate that stuff.

Anyway,
from what I've been told, a large percent of 'wanna-be comic artists' sit around drawing doodles and pin-ups all day and complain that they can't make it into marvel. So you've already beaten them by showing that you can make a book or two. I seriously think this book would be worth taking a look at if you just added a little more effort.

thanks for sharing
so far so good!

[dushans]

Thanks I really appreciate your comments.
I definitely will fix those errors, to tell u the truth
I haven’t read the book since I first finished it, that is about 4 years ago, but now I re-read the book and there are tons of spelling mistakes that I have not seen then, I am so sorry I didn’t look in to it before posting them online. And yes I must pay more attention to the clines of the art.
Aging thank you so much for your help.

[JimLeeforGod]

Well dushans, since your new to pj, I thought I'd help ya out

dushans pages
http://ic1.deviantart.com/fs11/i/2006/243/a/1/Liza_Ray1backcover_by_dushans.jpg

http://ic3.deviantart.com/fs11/i/2006/243/c/5/Liza_Ray1page22_by_dushans.jpg

http://ic3.deviantart.com/fs11/i/2006/243/6/e/Liza_Ray1page21_by_dushans.jpg

[JimLeeforGod]

http://ic3.deviantart.com/fs11/i/2006/243/d/6/Liza_Ray1page20_by_dushans.jpg

http://ic1.deviantart.com/fs11/i/2006/243/b/1/Liza_Ray1page19_by_dushans.jpg

http://ic1.deviantart.com/fs11/i/2006/243/3/b/Liza_Ray1page18_by_dushans.jpg

[JimLeeforGod]

http://ic1.deviantart.com/fs11/i/2006/243/3/b/Liza_Ray1page18_by_dushans.jpg

http://ic1.deviantart.com/fs11/i/2006/243/9/2/Liza_Ray1page17_by_dushans.jpg

http://ic1.deviantart.com/fs11/i/2006/243/4/6/Liza_Ray1page16_by_dushans.jpg

THESE ARE DUNSHAN's WORKS
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Ok I think these are enough pages to get the critiques going on your work. Good Luck dushan and welcome to PJ

[JimLeeforGod]

whoops, I Just Realized That The Pages Are Backwards. Okay Guys Start On The Bottom And Read Up :D

[brendon]

I'm getting nothing but x's instead of pictures there, jimleeforgod.... ?

[JimLeeforGod]

I'm getting nothing but x's instead of pictures there, jimleeforgod.... ?

Wierd I made sure it was all working...okay Let me have another crack at it. Hold on a sec....Is anyone else having the same problem?
:confused:

[JimLeeforGod]

Okay let me know if everyone can see this...


These are the first three pages of Dunshan's work

http://ic3.deviantart.com/fs11/i/2006/243/f/2/Liza_Ray1cover_by_dushans.jpg
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http://ic1.deviantart.com/fs11/i/2006/243/c/f/Liza_Ray1page2_by_dushans.jpg
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http://ic1.deviantart.com/fs11/i/2006/243/3/c/Liza_Ray1page3_by_dushans.jpg
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[JimLeeforGod]

If you guys still cant see it just go to the site (link below)... for some reason its not letting me link up to Deviantart correctly...

http://dushans.deviantart.com/gallery/

[brendon]

deviantart probably has some hotlink protection to save bandwidth. i'm sure they'd be charged a fortune if everyone could just randomly link to cool art as much as they wanted...

[dushans]

http://i93.photobucket.com/albums/l44/dushans/a.jpg

[dushans]

http://i93.photobucket.com/albums/l44/dushans/b.jpg
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http://i93.photobucket.com/albums/l44/dushans/c.jpg
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http://i93.photobucket.com/albums/l44/dushans/d.jpg