Fusion: Howlers (Western Horror Story) Script Thread

[ielle77]

K folks, here's the script for our Wester Horror Fusion Jam. Please take a minute, look it over and crit away. :D


HOWLERS

by JEREMIAH ALLAN (Jayvee)
2006

CHARACTER DESCRIPTIONS:

1.) JACK WEBSTER: Thirty-something-year-old drifter, typical American cowboy apparel who never takes off his dead wife's scarf; Jack has a pistol holstered on each hip with an ammo belt to match; his features are rugged, overcome with stubble though not a full beard.

2.) ONE-EYED JUAN: An older Mexican man into his fifties, Juan doesn't bother wearing a patch to cover the multiple slasher marks responsible for the loss of his eye; he is dressed in a traditional Mexican poncho and sombrero with a shotgun strapped across his back.

PAGE ONE.

P1. Night is come; bright stars shine in the sky above a circle of covered wagons camped up until morning. There's a fire lit in the center of the ring, a trail of smoke and embers drifting up through the thermal drafts.

[CAP] 1862.

[CAP] OUT HERE, THERE'S A WHOLE LOTTA NOCTURNAL MONSTERS THOSE CITY FOLK BACK EAST AIN'T EVER SEEN.

[CAP] AIN'T NEVER GUNNA SEE 'EM, NEITHER.

[CAP] KINDA SPOOKS A FELLAH RUNS ACROSS IN THIS HERE NEW STATE UH KANSAS AIN'T THE KIND TA BE SEEN… NOT LESS'N THEY WANNA BE.

P2. JACK WEBSTER hunched over on a log in front of the camp's fire with a bowl of chili in one hand, a spoon in the other despite his lips being so close to the bowl that he might as well be drinking it, anyway. He looks down into the bowl, paying no mind to anything but himself.

[CAP] WAY I FIGGER, THERE'S PROB'LY ONLY TWO HOMBRES IN THIS WHOLE COUNTRY WHO'VE ACTUALLY WITNESSED WHAT THESE WESTERN NIGHTS TRULY HAVE TA OFFER.

[CAP] I'M ONE UH THE TWO.

P3. ONE-EYED JUAN sits on his saddle-bags, elbows on his knees with a bowl of chili in hand, as well. The spoon inside the bowl, however, stays where it's at, leaning against the side; it seems that he has no interest in food, instead staring into the blaze.

[CAP] OL' JUAN OVER THERE'S THE OTHER.

[CAP] TOUGHEST SON OF A GUN I EVER DID MEET, AN' MEANER'N A SACK UH HUNGRY RATTLERS… LIKELY ON ACCOUNT UH THAT MISSIN' EYE.

[CAP] LEAST HE'S STILL GOT ONE.

P4. An old-fashioned photograph of a man (JACK), his wife and son sits beside JACK on the log as he eats. In the picture, they're all dressed in formal--almost regal--attire; only the woman and the boy are smiling.

[CAP] ME, I MAY GOT MUH GAWD-GIVEN SIGHT BUT I'D TRADE IT ALL IN A HEARTBEAT TA HAVE BACK WHAT'S IN THIS BEAT-UP OL' PHOTOGRAPH.

PAGE TWO.

P1. Wide: JACK turns his head, looking off into the distance at the source of the howl.

[CAP] THEY SAY THAT THE LAWD GIVETH AN' THE LAWD TAKETH AWAY…?

[CAP] THAT MAY BE TRUE BUT THAT DON'T MEAN IT STILL DON'T HURT SOME.

[SFX, trailing off] AWOOOOOOOOOOO.

P2. Large: JACK stands, an angry expression overtaking his face as his fists clench at his sides; the bowl of chili drops to the ground, spilling as it falls near the campfire. All around the inside of the circled wagons, giant werewolves in tattered human clothing terrorize the settlers--chasing or pouncing on them and ripping them to shreds; JUAN still sits, staring into the fire; he's apparently unfazed by the creatures' sudden appearance.

[CAP] I CAME OUT HERE AGAIN TA MAKE REPARATIONS WIT' THEM DERN UGLY CRITTERS WHO DONE KILLED MUH FAMILY.

[CAP] JUAN, TOO, FER TAKIN' A PART UH HIS BODY.

[CAP] TIME TA SEND THESE HOWLERS BACK TO THE LIFE-STEALIN' DEVIL THAT RAISED 'EM UP OUTTA THE GRASS, FRESH WITH MUH BOOT MARKS UP AN' DOWN THEIR BACKSIDES TA SHOW THAT EVIL BASTARD WHAT HAPPENS TA FOLK THAT CROSSES JACK WEBSTER.

[TITLE & CREDITS] HOWLERS

PAGE THREE.

P1. JACK draws one of the pistols on his hip and shoots a werewolf springing on a defenseless, frightened young woman.

[CAP] JUAN AN' I FOUND EACH OTHER THROUGH A MUTUAL ACQUAINTANCE… UH MAN WHO HAD HIMSELF A VESTED INT'REST IN THE FINDIN' AN' EXTERMINATION UH THE PROWLIN' BEASTIES.

[CAP] WE WAS ONLY HAPPY TO ACCEPT, GIVEN THE CIRCUMSTANCES.

P2. JACK draws his other pistol and shoots one off the top of a wagon, the barrel of the other still smoking.

[CAP] WE KNOWED EXACTLY WHERE THEY'D BE, TOO, 'CAUSE THEY DON'T MOVE MUCH.

[CAP] DON'T HAVE TO.

P3. Large: JACK walks towards us, shooting both pistols at the camera. The corpse of the wolf-man on top of the wagon has fallen near an apathetic JUAN, who continues his unmoving campfire vigil--none of the other creatures appear to take notice of him.

[CAP] THIS HERE GROUP UH SETTLERS SAID THEY'D BE HEADED STRAIGHT THROUGH THE HEART UH THEIR HUNTIN' GROUNDS… SO NATURALLY, ME AN' JUAN HITCHED A RIDE.

[CAP] SAVE UH LIFE OR TWO AN' MAYBE WE'D BE FORGIVEN FER SOME UH WHAT WE DID.

[CAP] SOME UH WHAT WE WERE [/i]GUNNA[/i] DO.

PAGE FOUR.

P1. JACK backs up in front of JUAN, firing both guns in a minor retreat at a beast that's already mid-air, lunging at him. Again, JUAN doesn't seem to notice, eyes distant.

P2. JACK and the wolf both go toppling over into the campfire, carried by the monster's momentum; the pot of chili formerly suspended by a tripod goes spilling over into the air, a trail of beans flying after it.

P3. Close-up: JACK and the wolf-man in the middle of the inferno. our hero on his back as the wolf snaps his jaws, only to have them caught by the ire-filled cowboy.

PAGE FIVE.

P1. The two combatants dive out of the fire, flames rolling from their bodies as they break from combat, their clothes aflame and kicking burning embers into the air.

P2. The werewolf writhes in agony, stirring up dust as it tries to put itself out.

P3. Angle on.

P4.Angle on.

P5. JACK on the grass, facing away from us as he crawls on his hands and knees towards the recovering werewolf, back and trousers still alight.

PAGE SIX.

P1. Large: A flaming JACK plunges his fist into the creature's chest and pulls out its still-beating heart. JACK'S eyes have glossed over, turned crimson as a set of vampiric fangs sprout where his upper canines used to be; his skin burns as well, turning ashen and black where it's not outright melting his skin… But JACK doesn't seem to care, too caught up in the bloodlust and excitement of the kill to care.

P2. VAMPIRE JACK looks back over his shoulder at the final werewolf retreating back out into the prairie; his fangs are still bared, bloodthirsty, and the fire consuming him has apparently gone out. Wisps of smoke drift upward off his shoulders and back.

P3. The last werewolf sprints through thigh-high grass, running at the camera, desperate to get away but it's apparent that it's not fast enough. VAMPIRE JACK is leaping at him from behind, arms outstretched and bloody fingers working, ready to grab.

PAGE SEVEN.

P1. Tall: Thin: VAMPIRE JACK lands on the creature's back, throwing them both into the grass and weeds.

P2. Tall: Wide: Bug's eye view: VAMPIRE JACK has a hand around the werewolf's throat, the other balled up into a fist above his head, preparing to come striking down. Anger devours him.

[JACK] YOU TELL YER MAKER, VARMINT… YOU TELL 'IM OL' JACK WEBSTER'S ON 'IS WAY TA HELL TA SETTLE THE SCORE!

[WOLF, weakly] PLEASE… DON'T…

P3. Large: The wolf begins to revert to human form, revealing the face of a young boy who looks astonishingly like JACK, whose fist still hangs in the air, recoils in horror.

[WOLF, weakly] DON'T KILL ME, DAD.

[JACK, whisper] NO…!

PAGE EIGHT.

P1. The half-reverted wolf stands, looming above the crouched, trembling body of VAMPIRE JACK. The creature looks suspiciously like it might take advantage of JACK'S sudden weakness and kill him.

[JACK, whisper] NO, NO… AIN'T RIGHT.

[JACK, whisper] I SAW YOU DIE!

P2. That is, if there wasn't a huge bullet hole in the wolf-creature's head. VAMPIRE JACK falls to the grass, looking up at the now-dead beast. In the foreground, ONE-EYED JUAN'S hand is wrapped around his revolver, barrel still smoking.

[JUAN] YOU DID SEE 'IM DIE, JACK.

P3. VAMPIRE JACK'S eyes narrow as JUAN lowers his weapon.

[JUAN] DAMN THING WAS A SHAPESHIFTER, REMEMBER…?

[JUAN] IT WAS ONLY FOOLIN' WITH YER HEAD.

[JACK, whisper] NO.

PAGE NINE.

P1. VAMPIRE JACK leaps for JUAN, ready to kill; JUAN takes a step back, throwing his off-hand up into the air.

[JACK, yell] YOU KILLED MAH SON!

P2. JUAN grabs VAMPIRE JACK by the shirt and uses his momentum to fling him into one of the covered wagons several yards away, a curious display of power that--up until this moment--we didn't think him capable of. JACK goes right through the wood.

P3. Close-up: VAMPIRE JACK crawls out of the splintered hole, glaring at JUAN with fierce, glowing eyes. He looks to be growling, uncontrollable rage having taken completely over.

[JUAN, op] YER SON'S BEEN DEAD FOR A HUNDRED YEARS.

[JUAN, op] THAT ONE SAW IT IN YER MIND AND WAS USIN' IT AGAINST YOU!

P4. VAMPIRE JACK flies towards JUAN, aiming to kill.

[JACK, yell] LIES!

PAGE TEN.

P1. Splash: JUAN stands over VAMPIRE JACK'S corpse, a sizeable hole in his chest where his heart used to be; JUAN looks remorseful, head down and pistol smoking at his side. A small book with the word JOURNAL printed on the cover has fallen out of JACK'S pocket into the grass beside him.

[CAP] JUAN GAVE ME THE POWER TA AVENGE MAH FAMILY.

[CAP] AN', THOUGH I'LL NEVER SEE 'EM AGAIN IN HEAVEN, IN MAH HEART I KNOWED I DONE THE RIGHT THING… I KNOWED I DONE WHAT ANY MAN WORTH 'IS SALT WOULDA DONE.

[CAP] I JUS' WISH IT DIDN' HAVE TA COME TA THIS.

[JUAN] I'M SORRY, JACK.

[CAP] END.

[jayvee]

I can't wait to see what happens here!

First things first, though: Dialogue. Tone it down, or nix the drawl completely?

Second: The first caption that says, "1862." Could that instead say, "Journal. May 12, 1862" and serve as a better introduction, tying back to Jack's journal on the ground at the end?

Third: Should Jack be writing in his journal instead eating chili?

Fourth: Should Juan show some signs of being a vampire himself on the last page? And, instead of shooting him, should he have staked Jack instead?

[xadrian]

That's why we're here to make this the best script going forward for the artists.

I personally like the dialog. It may be harder to get through than just regular ol' King's English, but I found it quite enjoyable.

My only two complaints are the suddeness of the werewolf attack and the fact that Juan doesn't save his partner, he kills him.

[ielle77]

yeah gotta agree with the killing thing, it kinda makes you go um... well then why did you bother with him to begin with? Now taking the butt of his gun and knocking him out, i like that (note to self: seek therapy lol).

As for the dialogue while i agree it is nice to have a bit of a the southern drawl at times it seems forced. As iron mentioned in your original thread, you dont' need LAWD, lord is enough. Don't make him sound like an idiot, just a southerner. ("jus' cuz i talk slow don't mean i'm stupid" - Josh Lucas Sweet Home Alabama). Just tone it down a bit. Listen to real southerners (if you can). You'll notice things like contractions are used a lot, stuff that makes speech more languid. Like "Yer an idiot, ya know that doncha?" is okay but "Iss tell ya, ya'll gunna git it when ma gits home" is a bit thick IMO.

On the other hand words like varmits and phrases such as meaner than a sack of hammers ROCKS. Great stuff there :)

i love the idea of jack writing in the journal as opposed to eating chili. I think it would give him a more intellegent look. He's a semi-learned man. While the audience should get the vibe that Juan is more of the quiet tough as grits don't give a crap kind of guy. Having only him eatting the chilli and minding his own business when the fight begins is a perfect way to show this, IMO. Definitely switch the caption then to match the journal writing.

hmm.. that's all i can see right now. See what you come up with and post it back here. and again congrats! :)

[xadrian]

Keep in mind when tooling with dialog, there's Southern, then there's Texas, then there's Western Cowboy. They're all different, and you touched on that.

If Sam Elliot would say it, keep it. If you think you'd see it in Taledaga Nights, it's probably not ok.

[jayvee]

Being from backwoods Kansas--hence why the story's set in Kansas, I don't think this place gets enough exposure aside from Smallville (which doesn't actually exist), considering the fact that it was one of the biggest battleground states in early American history--I just thought of the locals when I wrote the dialog. Too local, lol.

I suppose Juan killing Jack is sort of, "Huh?" I'll try to remedy that, too.

As for the abruptness of the attack, though, I'm not sure what else to do except decompress the scene and add another page of build. Would it be alright, if I did...?

Also, thanks again for the selection!

[IronSyndicate]

I've said some of this before, but I'll repeat it here, for conversation's sake, and to get the ball rolling one this...

Accent - Tone it down. I'll repeat the "Lawd" statement, but there are a few other places where it is a layered on a bit thick.

Werewolf attack - maybe you could foreshadow it by showing a wolf in the background of the first panel, or have shadows playing across the wagons at the begining

Juan - The character does need to be a bit cleaned-up. If he is a vampire, then show it. It could be something as subtle as little fangs at the end, or - one of my favorite vampire touches - make sure Juan does NOT cast a shadows. With them sitting next to a camp-fire you have plenty of oppurtunity to have him not cast a shadow.

Also I think it would benefit to show a third character with them around the campfire. This third character could be used mainly for reaction shots and the like, a "OH MY GOD! WE'RE BEING ATTACKED" sort of thing... and hey, if you really want to geek out, have him wear a red shirt.


P.S. - I don't know how these fusion things work - but If I want to letter a page or two - do I volunteer, sumbit my name for a vote, or what?

[jayvee]

I like the idea of a third character. It'll be Kenny, made entirely for cannon fodder.

[ielle77]

i'm with iron 100%.

The werewolf foreshadowing is neat

casting no shadow is a great idea :D

and a third character could be interesting as long as it doesn't become too involved just someone who is relaxing with them, just a person from the wagon train who has befriended them. Perhaps he's the one who has made the chili (or she, whichever but i think with a she you might run the risk of it looking like some domesticated woman who is trying to move in on these guys or she's their sidekick who just looks "purty" and makes them dinner. Best to stick with a guy i figure, i don't think the audience will expect him to be anything other than just some guy).

and yes go ahead and do one more page to clean up pacing if you like. I originally said 10-11 pgs so you have a page to play with really. Have at it :D


IRON: In reguards to lettering some of this for us, I don't see why not :) Xadrian?

[xadrian]

Keep in mind, the longer the page count, the harder it is to get it done in 3 months.

Oh, BTW, ielle, you have three months. Jam rule. ;)

As far as signing up for stuff, this is just the script phase. Tweaks and ratchets to get the dialog and page break downs where we want them. I'd try to have it wrapped up in about a week, 10 days tops. Then phase 2, the art part, will start.

So anyone wanting to sign up for pages, give it a bit.

Carry on.

[Ugga Bugga]

I haven't read the script. I've been involved in so many of these things, that I actually just want to enjoy watching for a change.

10 pages, ambitious. But YOU CAN DO EEEEEEEET!

Good luck all. I'll be cheering you on.

[jayvee]

There'll be a second draft within the next four hours.

I just got home again and I want to get the script portion of the project done ASAP.

I don't want to be the squeeky wheel holding everyone down.

[ielle77]

jayvee you are a man after my own heart. :D

Hmmm three months... I LAUGH at your three months! HA HA!

(and then secretly bawl when no one is looking ;) )

Well then, since Jayvee seems to be someone who can keep up with me (you poor kindred soul) we'll get this ride going and see what we can't come up with ASAP.

[jayvee]

And... Revision #1:



TITLE: HOWLERS (REWRITE #1)
AUTHOR: JEREMIAH ALLAN

CHARACTER DESCRIPTIONS

1.) JACK WEBSTER: Thirty-something-year-old drifter, typical American cowboy apparel; Jack has a pistol holstered on each hip with an ammo belt to match; his features are rugged, overcome with stubble though not a full beard. Jack doesn't cast a shadow.

2.) ONE-EYED JUAN: An older Mexican man into his fifties, Juan doesn't bother wearing a patch to cover the multiple slasher marks responsible for the loss of his eye; he is dressed in a traditional Mexican poncho and sombrero with a shotgun strapped across his back. Juan doesn't cast a shadow.

3.) NAMELESS NED: Cannon fodder; Ned is a gangly settler, bereft of any unique qualities barring the constant bottle of whiskey seemingly glued to his hand.

PAGE ONE.

P1. Night is come; bright stars shine in the sky above a circle of covered wagons camped up until morning. There's a fire lit in the center of the ring, a trail of smoke and embers drifting up through the thermal drafts. The shadow of a wolf trots along the outskirts of the camp.

[CAP] JOURNAL. MAY 12, 1862.

[CAP] OUT HERE, THERE'S A LOTTA NOCTURNAL MONSTERS CITY FOLK BACK EAST AIN'T EVER SEEN.

[CAP] AIN'T NEVER GUNNA SEE 'EM, NEITHER.

[CAP] KINDA SPOOKS A FELLAH RUNS ACROSS IN THIS HERE NEW STATE UH KANSAS AIN'T THE KIND TA BE SEEN… NOT LESS'N THEY WANNA BE.

P2. JACK WEBSTER hunched over on a log in front of the camp's fire with his journal in one hand, a pencil in the other scribbling away in the beat-up old book. NAMELESS NED sits beside him in the background of the panel, downing a bottle of whiskey.

[CAP] WAY I FIGGER, THERE'S PROB'LY ONLY TWO HOMBRES IN THIS WHOLE COUNTRY WHO'VE ACTUALLY WITNESSED WHAT THESE WESTERN NIGHTS TRULY HAVE TA OFFER.

[CAP] I'M ONE UH THE TWO.

P3. ONE-EYED JUAN sits on his saddle-bags, elbows on his knees with a bowl of chili in hand. The spoon inside the bowl, however, stays where it's at, leaning against the side; it seems that he has no interest in food, instead staring into the blaze.

[CAP] OL' JUAN IS THE OTHER.

[CAP] TOUGHEST SON OF A GUN I EVER DID MEET, AN' MEANER'N A SACK UH HUNGRY RATTLERS… LIKELY ON ACCOUNT UH THAT MISSIN' EYE.

[CAP] LEAST HE'S STILL GOT ONE.

P4. An old-fashioned photograph of a man (JACK), his wife and son sits beside JACK on the log as he writes. In the picture, they're all dressed in formal--almost regal--attire; only the woman and the boy are smiling.

[CAP] ME, I MAY GOT MY GOD-GIVEN SIGHT BUT I'D TRADE IT ALL IN A HEARTBEAT TO HAVE BACK WHAT'S IN THIS BEAT-UP OL' PHOTOGRAPH.

PAGE TWO.

P1. Wide: JACK and NAMELESS NED (still clutching the liquor bottle) turn their heads, looking off into the distance at the source of the howl.

[CAP] THEY SAY THAT THE LORD GIVETH AN' THE LORD TAKETH AWAY…?

[CAP] THAT MAY BE TRUE, BUT IT DON'T GIVE NO COMFORT TO STOP THE HURT.

[SFX, trailing off] AWOOOOOOOOOOO.

P2. NAMELESS NED looks to JACK, horrified, as JACK continues peering out into the darkness.

[NED] YA… YA HEAR THAT?

[NED] YA THINK WE ALL OUGHTTA HUNKER DOWN IN THE WAGONS?

P3. JACK stuffs the journal into his right front pocket as he stands. NED remains on his perch, looking up at him.

[NED] WELL…?

[NED] AIN'T YOU SUPPOSED TA BE SOME KINDA WILDERNESS EXPERT?

P4. JACK checks the chamber of his revolver. NED takes a giant swig of whiskey as the shadowed figure of a werewolf creeps up behind him.

[JACK] HIDIN' IN THE WAGONS AIN'T GUNNA HELP, NED.

[JACK] I'D PRAY, IF'N I WERE YOU… AND DO IT FAST.

PAGE THREE.

P1. Splash: JACK stands, an angry expression overtaking his face as his fists clench at his sides. (One of those fists has a pistol in it.) All around the inside of the circled wagons, giant werewolves in tattered human clothing terrorize the settlers--chasing or pouncing on them and ripping them to shreds; JUAN still sits, staring into the fire; he's apparently unfazed by the creatures' sudden appearance. NED has apparently been pounced upon and is being eaten.

[CAP] I'M HERE TO MAKE REPARATIONS WITH THEM DERN UGLY CRITTERS WHO KILLED MY FAMILY.

[CAP] JUAN CAME BECAUSE THESE THINGS OWED 'IM UH DEBT OR TWO.

[CAP] TOGETHER, WE'RE GUNNA SEND THESE HOWLERS BACK TO THE LIFE-STEALIN' DEVIL THAT DONE RAISED 'EM UP OUTTA THE GRASS, GIFT-WRAPPED AN' PERTY.

[cap] PUT SOME BOOT MARKS UP AN' DOWN THEIR BACKSIDES TO SHOW THAT EVIL BASTARD WHAT HAPPENS TO FOLK THAT TRY TO CROSS JACK WEBSTER.

[TITLE & CREDITS] HOWLERS

PAGE FOUR.

P1. JACK fires his pistol, shooting a werewolf who's bearing down on a defenseless, frightened young woman.

[CAP] JUAN AN' I FOUND EACH OTHER THROUGH A MUTUAL ACQUAINTANCE… A MAN WHO HAD HIMSELF A VESTED INT'REST IN THE FINDIN' AN' EXTERMINATION UH THE PROWLIN' BEASTIES.

[CAP] WE WAS ONLY HAPPY TO ACCEPT, GIVEN THE CIRCUMSTANCES.

P2. JACK draws his other pistol and shoots one off the top of a wagon, the barrel of the other still smoking.

[CAP] WE KNOWED EXACTLY WHERE THEY'D BE, TOO, 'CAUSE THEY DON'T MOVE MUCH.

[CAP] DON'T HAVE TO.

P3. Large: JACK walks towards us, shooting both pistols at the camera. The corpse of the wolf-man on top of the wagon has fallen near an apathetic JUAN, who continues his unmoving campfire vigil--none of the other creatures appear to take notice of him.

[CAP] THIS HERE GROUP UH SETTLERS SAID THEY'D BE HEADED STRAIGHT THROUGH THE HEART UH THEIR HUNTIN' GROUNDS… SO NATURALLY, ME AN' JUAN HITCHED A RIDE.

[CAP] SAVE UH LIFE OR TWO AN' MAYBE WE'D BE FORGIVEN FER SOME UH WHAT WE DID.

[CAP] SOME UH WHAT WE WERE GUNNA DO.

PAGE FIVE.

P1. JACK backs up in front of JUAN, firing both guns in a minor retreat at a beast that's already mid-air, lunging at him. Again, JUAN doesn't seem to notice, eyes distant.

[JACK] YOU GUNNA HELP OR WHAT…?

[JUAN] LOOKS LIKE YER DOIN' JUST FINE ON YER OWN.

P2. JACK and the wolf both go toppling over into the campfire, carried by the monster's momentum; the pot of chili formerly suspended by a tripod goes spilling over into the air, a trail of beans flying after it.

P3. Close-up: JACK and the wolf-man in the middle of the inferno, our hero on his back and glaring. The wolf snaps his jaws, only to have them caught by the ire-filled cowboy.

[JACK, yell] I'M SENDIN' YOU BACK TO HELL!

PAGE SIX.

P1. The two combatants dive out of the fire, flames rolling from their bodies as they break from combat, their clothes aflame and kicking burning embers into the air.

P2. The werewolf writhes in agony, stirring up dust as it tries to put itself out.

P3. Angle on.

P4.Angle on.

P5. JACK on the grass, facing away from us as he crawls on his hands and knees towards the recovering werewolf, back and trousers still alight.

P6. Angle on.

P7. Over-the-shoulder shot: JACK reaches a hand out towards the wolf.

PAGE SEVEN.

P1. Large: A flaming JACK plunges his fist into the creature's chest and pulls out its still-beating heart. JACK'S eyes have glossed over, turned crimson as a set of vampiric fangs sprout where his upper canines used to be; his skin burns as well, turning ashen and black where it's not outright melting his skin… But JACK doesn't seem to care, too caught up in the bloodlust and excitement of the kill to care.

P2. VAMPIRE JACK looks back over his shoulder at the final werewolf retreating back out into the prairie; his fangs are still bared, bloodthirsty, and the fire consuming him has apparently gone out. Wisps of smoke drift upward off his shoulders and back.

P3. The last werewolf sprints through thigh-high grass, running at the camera, desperate to get away but it's apparent that it's not fast enough. VAMPIRE JACK is leaping at him from behind, arms outstretched and bloody fingers working, ready to grab.

PAGE EIGHT.

P1. Tall: Thin: VAMPIRE JACK lands on the creature's back, throwing them both into the grass and weeds.

P2. Tall: Wide: Bug's eye view: VAMPIRE JACK has a hand around the werewolf's throat, the other balled up into a fist above his head, preparing to come striking down. Anger devours him.

[JACK] YOU TELL YER MAKER, VARMINT… YOU TELL 'IM OL' JACK WEBSTER'S ON 'IS WAY TA HELL TO SETTLE THE SCORE!

[WOLF, weakly] PLEASE… DON'T…

P3. Large: The wolf begins to revert to human form, revealing the face of a young boy who looks astonishingly like JACK, whose fist still hangs in the air. He recoils in horror.

[WOLF, weakly] DON'T KILL ME, DAD.

[JACK, whisper] NO…!

PAGE NINE.

P1. The half-reverted wolf stands, looming above the crouched, trembling body of VAMPIRE JACK. The creature looks suspiciously like it might take advantage of JACK'S sudden weakness and kill him.

[JACK, whisper] NO, NO… AIN'T RIGHT.

[JACK, whisper] I SAW YOU DIE!

P2. That is, if there wasn't a huge bullet hole in the wolf-creature's head. VAMPIRE JACK falls to the grass, looking up at the now-dead beast. In the foreground, ONE-EYED JUAN'S hand is wrapped around his revolver, barrel still smoking.

[JUAN] YOU DID SEE 'IM DIE, JACK.

P3. VAMPIRE JACK'S eyes narrow as JUAN lowers his weapon. JUAN'S vampiric fangs can be seen as he talks.

[JUAN] DAMN THING'S A SHAPESHIFTER, REMEMBER…?

[JUAN] IT WAS ONLY FOOLIN' WITH YER HEAD.

[JACK, whisper] NO.

PAGE TEN.

P1. VAMPIRE JACK leaps for JUAN, ready to kill; JUAN takes a step back, throwing his off-hand up into the air to block the attack, growling, fangs exposed.

[JACK, yell] YOU KILLED MY SON!

[JACK, yell] YOU BROUGHT ME OUT HERE TO KILL ME, TOO!

[JUAN] I BROUGHT YOU HERE BECAUSE YOU ASKED ME TO…!

[JUAN] YOU'RE LETTING THE BLOODLUST CLOUD YOUR MIND!

P2. JUAN grabs VAMPIRE JACK by the shirt and uses his momentum to fling him into one of the covered wagons several yards away, a curious display of power that--up until this moment--we didn't think him capable of. JACK goes right through the wood.

[JUAN] YOU KNOW WHAT HAPPENS TO OUR KIND WHEN WE SUCCUMB TO MADNESS...

[JUAN, yell] …WE CAN NEVER COME BACK!

P3. Close-up: VAMPIRE JACK crawls out of the splintered hole, glaring at JUAN with fierce, glowing eyes. He looks to be growling, uncontrollable rage having taken completely over.

[JUAN, op] CONTROL IT, JACK.

[JUAN, op] YER SON'S BEEN DEAD FOR A HUNDRED YEARS…

[JUAN, op] THAT ONE SAW IT IN YER MIND AND WAS USIN' IT AGAINST YOU!

P4. VAMPIRE JACK flies towards JUAN, aiming to kill.

[JACK, yell] QUIT TRYIN' TO TRICK ME!

PAGE ELEVEN.

P1. Splash: JUAN stands over VAMPIRE JACK'S corpse, a stake in his chest where his heart used to be; JUAN looks remorseful, head down and pistol smoking at his side. A small book with the word JOURNAL printed on the cover has fallen out of JACK'S pocket into the grass beside him.

[CAP] I SOLD MY SOUL FOR THE POWER TO AVENGE MY FAMILY.

[CAP] AN', THOUGH I'LL NEVER GET TO HEAVEN TO SEE 'EM AGAIN… IN MY HEART I KNOWED I DONE THE RIGHT THING.

[CAP] I KNOWED I DONE WHAT ANY MAN WORTH 'IS SALT WOULDA DONE.

[CAP] I JUST WISH THE SACRIFICE HADN'T BEEN SO GREAT.

[JUAN] I'M SORRY, JACK… THE CURSE TOOK YER MIND.

[JUAN] MAYBE NOW YOU'LL FIND PEACE.

[CAP] END.

[banshee]

Going to enjoy watching this, not read script yet but like Ugga, be nice to watch from sidelines this time..

[ielle77]

lol... oh you crazy folks and your watching.

k, i'm going to print this out and i'll look it over today and have any minor changes up by tonight. Jayvee, from what i've scanned already, it's looking great. LUV Ned, so far his lines are spot on!... the wilderness expert line rocks :D

anyway i'll get back to ya hopefully mid to late afternoon (if i don't melt from the heat wave... :D)

[IronSyndicate]

Jayvee, at the risk of sounding incredibly corny, this was truly magical. It totaly drew me in, and I was actually feeling every hit, stab, slash and shot. I was engulfed by your story, and surronounded by it... and then the illusion was broken by the "End" caption. I hate those. We know it's the end - there's nothing left to read
My biggest suggestion to the piece would be to lose that one caption - those three little letters wreak havoc on the entire thing.

Two smaller crits - I like how you cleaned-up the dialogue, nice job. One thing that still hits as a bit off is the "dern" in "dern ugly" (pg. 3). I don't know - it sounds off, perhaps "darn" or even lose it all-together.
The other one is with Ned. Great execution on that - but I think it would be more powerful if we actually saw Ned being ripped/slashed/clawed to death on panel, not have alive one panel and dead the next... could really capture the surprised look in his eyes as he gets 4 sharp talons through his chest....

That's it for me - seriously great job...

[ielle77]

okay jayvee i picked her like a thanksgiving turkey. Have at it. and remember these are just my opinions, although i'm incharge of this one, if you've got a problem with one of the ideas you DON'T have to do it, stick to your guns (of course tell me why so i know what's going on). And if one of the suggestions for dialogue i gave you is close but still not quite right and you want to tweak it just a hair more, go ahead. This is your script. fight for it if you feel you really don't want to change something. Just again tell me why, you might win me over lol.

TITLE: HOWLERS (REWRITE #1)
AUTHOR: JEREMIAH ALLAN

CHARACTER DESCRIPTIONS

1.) JACK WEBSTER: Thirty-something-year-old drifter, typical American cowboy apparel; Jack has a pistol holstered on each hip with an ammo belt to match; his features are rugged, overcome with stubble though not a full beard. Jack doesn't cast a shadow. What happened to the part about him constantly wearing his wife’s scarf? I liked that. I mean if we see her wearing it in the photo, I think the audience will pick up on it being hers.

2.) ONE-EYED JUAN: An older Mexican man into his fifties, Juan doesn't bother wearing a patch to cover the multiple slasher marks responsible for the loss of his eye; he is dressed in a traditional Mexican poncho and sombrero with a shotgun strapped across his back. Juan doesn't cast a shadow. Lol, excellent addition.

3.) NAMELESS NED: Cannon fodder; Ned is a gangly settler, bereft of any unique qualities barring the constant bottle of whiskey seemingly glued to his hand.

PAGE ONE.

P1. Night is come; bright stars shine in the sky above a circle of covered wagons camped up until morning. There's a fire lit in the center of the ring, a trail of smoke and embers drifting up through the thermal drafts. The shadow of a wolf trots along the outskirts of the camp. Okay here’s my first minor crit. Don’t be afraid to give the penciler a basic idea of what you’re looking for shot wise. Meaning is it an establishing shot, a Long shot (ls) a medium shot (ms) and so forth. You don’t need to get power hungry mad and tell them every detail, they can still have fun and make up stuff on their own, but sometimes it’s easier to give a minor hint at what you’re seeing in your own mind.

[CAP] JOURNAL. MAY 12, 1862.

[CAP] OUT HERE, THERE'S A LOTTA NOCTURNAL MONSTERS CITY FOLK BACK EAST AIN'T EVER SEEN.

[CAP] AIN'T NEVER GUNNA SEE 'EM, NEITHER.

[CAP] THE KINDA SPOOKS A FELLAH RUNS ACROSS IN THIS HERE NEW STATE OF KANSAS AIN'T THE KIND TA BE SEEN… NOT LESS'N THEY WANNA BE. It just seemed like there was a bit too much twang going on in this sentence. Here’s what I’d suggest to fix. Also without a THE before kinda, the sentence comes off a bit awkward to my ears.

P2. JACK WEBSTER hunched over on a log in front of the camp's fire with his journal in one hand, a pencil in the other scribbling away in the beat-up old book. NAMELESS NED sits beside him in the background of the panel, downing a bottle of whiskey.

[CAP] WAY I FIGGER, THERE'S PROB'LY ONLY TWO HOMBRES IN THIS WHOLE COUNTRY WHO'VE ACTUALLY WITNESSED WHAT THESE WESTERN NIGHTS TRULY HAVE TA OFFER.

[CAP] I'M ONE, UH THE TWO. uneeded

P3. ONE-EYED JUAN sits on his saddle-bags, elbows on his knees with a bowl of chili in hand. The spoon inside the bowl, however, stays where it's at, leaning against the side; it seems that he has no interest in food, instead staring into the blaze.
[CAP] OL' JUAN IS THE OTHER.

[CAP] TOUGHEST SON OF A GUN I EVER DID MEET, AN' MEANER'N A SACK UH HUNGRY RATTLERS… LIKELY ON ACCOUNT UH THAT MISSIN' EYE.

[CAP] LEAST HE'S STILL GOT ONE.

P4. An old-fashioned photograph of a man (JACK), his wife (wearing her scarf) and son sits beside JACK on the log as he writes. In the picture, they're all dressed in formal--almost regal--attire; only the woman and the boy are smiling.

[CAP] ME, I MAY GOT MY GOD-GIVEN SIGHT BUT I'D TRADE IT ALL IN A HEARTBEAT TO HAVE BACK WHAT'S IN THIS BEAT-UP OL' PHOTOGRAPH.

PAGE TWO. (Five Panels, lets add another panel at the end so show a werewolf about to attack. Or eyes behind someone about to attack, something of that nature so that the splash page on the next page isn’t such an abrupt WTF moment. Although WTF moments are nice, but this one kinda seems awkward, like we came into the middle of a fight rather than the beginning of it).

P1. Wide: JACK and NAMELESS NED (still clutching the liquor bottle) turn their heads, looking off into the distance at the source of the howl. You should mention that Ned looks terrified while Jack seems more like “hmmph, well here we go” almost pleased in fact (a minor foreshadowing of how he doesn’t mind this constant battle with the werewolves). Personally I find that by mentioning your character’s facial expression you stand a better chance of the artist drawing it the way you conceived. Again like the mentioning shot angles you don’t want to go overboard and make the poor artist feel as though he has no influence over the project at all.

[CAP] THEY SAY THAT THE LORD GIVETH, AN' THE LORD TAKETH AWAY…(added a comma, took out the question mark)

[CAP] THAT MAY BE TRUE. BUT IT DON'T GIVE NO COMFORT TO STOP THE HURT. (put in a period)

[SFX, trailing off] AWOOOOOOOOOOO.

P2. NAMELESS NED looks to JACK, horrified, as JACK continues peering out into the darkness, still unfazed.

[NED] Y-YA HEAR THAT?

[NED] (linked) YA THINK WE ALL OUGHTTA HUNKER DOWN IN THE WAGONS?

P3. JACK stuffs the journal into his right front pocket as he stands. NED remains on his perch, looking up at him.

[NED] WELL…?

[NED] (linked) AIN'T YOU SUPPOSED TA BE SOME KINDA WILDERNESS EXPERT?

P4. JACK checks the chamber of his revolver. NED takes a giant swig of whiskey as the shadowed figure of a werewolf creeps up behind him.

[JACK] HIDIN' IN THE WAGONS AIN'T GUNNA HELP, NED.

[JACK] I'D PRAY, IF'N I WERE YOU… AND DO IT FAST. Awesome line!!! lol

P5. Some sort of werewolf stalking prey moment… perhaps hanging in the bushes above ned… muuuu waa ha ha ha lol.

PAGE THREE.

P1. Splash: JACK stands, an angry expression overtaking his face as his fists clench at his sides. (One of those fists has a pistol in it.) All around the inside of the circled wagons, giant werewolves in tattered human clothing terrorize the settlers--chasing or pouncing on them and ripping them to shreds; JUAN still sits, staring into the fire; he's apparently unfazed by the creatures' sudden appearance. NED has apparently been pounced upon and is being eaten.

[CAP] I'M HERE TO MAKE REPARATIONS WITH THEM DERN UGLY CRITTERS WHO KILLED MY FAMILY.

[CAP] JUAN CAME BECAUSE THESE THINGS OWED 'IM UH DEBT OR TWO.

[CAP] TOGETHER, WE'RE GUNNA SEND THESE HOWLERS BACK TO THE LIFE-STEALIN' DEVIL THAT DONE RAISED 'EM UP OUTTA THE GRASS, GIFT-WRAPPED AN' PERTY.

[cap] PUT SOME BOOT MARKS UP AN' DOWN THEIR BACKSIDES TO SHOW THAT EVIL BASTARD WHAT HAPPENS TO FOLK THAT TRY TO CROSS JACK WEBSTER.

[TITLE & CREDITS] HOWLERS

PAGE FOUR. (four panels, lets break up panel 3. Have Juan Moody all by himself and Jack’s vengeance also by itself. Break up dialogue accordingly).

P1. JACK fires his pistol, shooting a werewolf who's bearing down on a defenseless, frightened young woman.

[CAP] JUAN AN' I FOUND EACH OTHER THROUGH A MUTUAL ACQUAINTANCE… A MAN WHO HAD HIMSELF A VESTED INT'REST IN THE FINDIN' AN' EXTERMINATION UH THE PROWLIN' BEASTIES.

[CAP] WE WAS ONLY HAPPY TO ACCEPT, GIVEN THE CIRCUMSTANCES.

P2. JACK draws his other pistol and shoots one off the top of a wagon, the barrel of the other still smoking.

[CAP] WE KNOWED EXACTLY WHERE THEY'D BE, TOO, 'CAUSE THEY DON'T MOVE MUCH.

[CAP] DON'T HAVE TO.

P3. Large: JACK walks towards us, shooting both pistols at the camera. The corpse of the wolf-man on top of the wagon has fallen near an apathetic JUAN, who continues his unmoving campfire vigil--none of the other creatures appear to take notice of him.

[CAP] THIS HERE GROUP UH SETTLERS SAID THEY'D BE HEADED STRAIGHT THROUGH THE HEART UH THEIR HUNTIN' GROUNDS… SO NATURALLY, ME AN' JUAN HITCHED A RIDE.

[CAP] SAVE UH LIFE OR TWO AN' MAYBE WE'D BE FORGIVEN FER SOME UH WHAT WE DID.

[CAP] SOME UH WHAT WE WERE GUNNA DO. I would use this line for a CU of Juan brooding and not helping out… sort of a foreshadowing moment.

PAGE FIVE.

P1. JACK backs up in front of JUAN, firing both guns in a minor retreat at a beast that's already mid-air, lunging at him. Again, JUAN doesn't seem to notice, eyes distant. Again a little panel direction might help here. IMO i think Juan in the foreground while Jack fighting further back would look really sweet.

[JACK] YOU GUNNA HELP OR WHAT…?

[JUAN] LOOKS LIKE Your Doing JUST FINE.
I'll explain below why i tweaked juan's dialogue here

P2. JACK and the wolf both go toppling over into the campfire, carried by the monster's momentum; the pot of chili formerly suspended by a tripod goes spilling over into the air, a trail of beans flying after it. Excellent moment!!

P3. Close-up: JACK and the wolf-man in the middle of the inferno, our hero on his back and glaring. The wolf snaps his jaws, only to have them caught by the ire-filled cowboy.

[JACK, yell] I'M SENDIN' YOU BACK TO HELL!

PAGE SIX.

P1. The two combatants dive out of the fire, flames rolling from their bodies as they break from combat, their clothes aflame and kicking burning embers into the air.

P2. The werewolf writhes in agony, stirring up dust as it tries to put itself out.

P3. Angle on.

P4.Angle on. I’m not sure what you mean by angle on, but that’s probably just me not being familiar with some old school comic term. Anyone want to enlighten me?? lol

P5. JACK on the grass, facing away from us as he crawls on his hands and knees towards the recovering werewolf, back and trousers still alight.

P6. Angle on.

P7. Over-the-shoulder shot: JACK reaches a hand out towards the wolf.

PAGE SEVEN. (Four panels, again lets break up panel 1 this time and have one panel showing jack’s glowing freaky eyes and the other him ripping out the poor werewolf’s heart.

P1. Large: A flaming JACK plunges his fist into the creature's chest and pulls out its still-beating heart. JACK'S eyes have glossed over, turned crimson as a set of vampiric fangs sprout where his upper canines used to be; his skin burns as well, turning ashen and black where it's not outright melting his skin… But JACK doesn't seem to care, too caught up in the bloodlust and excitement of the kill to care.

P2. VAMPIRE JACK looks back over his shoulder at the final werewolf retreating back out into the prairie; his fangs are still bared, bloodthirsty, and the fire consuming him has apparently gone out. Wisps of smoke drift upward off his shoulders and back.

P3. The last werewolf sprints through thigh-high grass, running at the camera, desperate to get away but it's apparent that it's not fast enough. VAMPIRE JACK is leaping at him from behind, arms outstretched and bloody fingers working, ready to grab.

PAGE EIGHT.

P1. Tall: Thin: VAMPIRE JACK lands on the creature's back, throwing them both into the grass and weeds.

P2. Tall: Wide: Bug's eye view: VAMPIRE JACK has a hand around the werewolf's throat, the other balled up into a fist above his head, preparing to come striking down. Anger devours him. Should have the werewolf beginning to change back to a semi-human form here. But more wolf than man in this shot, then the next panel would be more man than wolf.

[JACK] YOU TELL YER MAKER, VARMINT… YOU TELL 'IM OL' JACK WEBSTER'S ON 'IS WAY! TA HELL TO SETTLE THE SCORE!
Okay, the reasons I marked these out are kinda strange. I know I really liked Varmint at one point but now it just seems forced to me. As for the ta hell to settle the score, that seems a bit too much. Almost cheesey (again that imo).

[WOLF, weakly] PLEASE… DON'T…

P3. Large: The wolf begins to revert to human form, revealing the face of a young boy who looks astonishingly like JACK, whose fist still hangs in the air. He recoils in horror.

[WOLF, weakly] DON'T KILL ME, DAD.

[JACK, whisper] NO…!

PAGE NINE. (lets split up panel 3 into the panel 3 being a CU of Juan with fangs talking, and panel 4 beign Jack’s eyes reacting angrily)

P1. The half-reverted wolf stands, looming above the crouched, trembling body of VAMPIRE JACK. The creature looks suspiciously like it might take advantage of JACK'S sudden weakness and kill him.

[JACK, whisper] NO, NO… AIN'T RIGHT.

[JACK, whisper] I SAW YOU DIE!

P2. That is, if there wasn't a huge bullet hole in the wolf-creature's head. VAMPIRE JACK falls to the grass, looking up at the now-dead beast. In the foreground, ONE-EYED JUAN'S hand is wrapped around his revolver, barrel still smoking.

[JUAN] YOU DID SEE 'IM DIE, JACK. Imo I would change Juan so that he doesn’t have the same accent as Jack. Make him sound older, wiser. More worldly. Something that would surprise us what with that eyeball being gouged out. So in this case i'd remove the see 'im die part

P3. JUAN'S vampiric fangs can be seen as he talks.

[JUAN] DAMN THING'S A SHAPESHIFTER, REMEMBER…? Here’s what I’d suggest dialogue wise if you decide to make Juan sound more worldly: Never forget Jack, they’re shapeshifters.

[JUAN] IT WAS ONLY FOOLIN' WITH YER HEAD. Again my suggestion: Ones who love to fool with your head.

P4. VAMPIRE JACK'S eyes narrow.

[JACK, whisper] NO.

PAGE TEN.

P1. VAMPIRE JACK leaps for JUAN, ready to kill; JUAN takes a step back, throwing his off-hand up into the air to block the attack, growling, fangs exposed. Okay the following exchanged seemed a bit awkward to me. Almost soap opera-esk. I’ve made some suggestions, but again don’t feel like you have to use them. Maybe they’ll point you towards something even stronger!
[JACK, yell] YOU KILLED MY SON!

[JACK, yell] YOU BROUGHT ME OUT HERE TO KILL ME, TOO! My suggestion: Yer behind all of this! You brought me here-

[JUAN] I BROUGHT YOU HERE BECAUSE YOU ASKED ME TO…! , i'd remove the to after "asked me" add a comma and then add on "no, BEGGED me!"

[JUAN] YOU'RE LETTING THE BLOODLUST is CLOUDing YOUR MIND, my friend.
rewrote the whole line to show you how you could redit it to make it stronger.

P2. JUAN grabs VAMPIRE JACK by the shirt and uses his momentum to fling him into one of the covered wagons several yards away, a curious display of power that--up until this moment--we didn't think him capable of. JACK goes right through the wood.

[JUAN] YOU KNOW WHAT HAPPENS TO OUR KIND WHEN WE SUCCUMB TO MADNESS... the to our kind seems unneeded

[JUAN, yell] …you CAN NEVER COME BACK!
again reworked the whole line above.

P3. Close-up: VAMPIRE JACK crawls out of the splintered hole, glaring at JUAN with fierce, glowing eyes. He looks to be growling, uncontrollable rage having taken completely over.

[JUAN, op] CONTROL IT, JACK. Unneeded. Seems a bit forced and again overdramatic.

[JUAN, op] Your SON has BEEN DEAD FOR over A HUNDRED YEARS…
again i reworked the whole line just as an example

[JUAN, op] It SAW into your MIND AND WAS USIN' IT AGAINST played YOU!

P4. VAMPIRE JACK flies towards JUAN, aiming to kill.

[JACK, yell] QUIT TRYIN' TO TRICK ME!

PAGE ELEVEN.

P1. Splash: JUAN stands over VAMPIRE JACK'S corpse, a stake in his chest where his heart used to be; JUAN looks remorseful, head down and pistol smoking at his side. A small book with the word JOURNAL printed on the cover has fallen out of JACK'S pocket into the grass beside him. Uh, why would his gun still be smoking? (see below for my suggestion about the visuals for this last page)

[CAP] I SOLD MY SOUL FOR THE POWER TO AVENGE MY FAMILY.

[CAP] AN', THOUGH I'LL NEVER GET TO HEAVEN TO SEE 'EM AGAIN… IN MY HEART I KNOWED I DONE THE RIGHT THING.

[CAP] I KNOWED I DONE WHAT ANY MAN WORTH 'IS SALT WOULDA DONE.

[CAP] I JUST WISH THE SACRIFICE HADN'T BEEN SO GREAT.

[JUAN] I'M SORRY, JACK… THE CURSE TOOK YER MIND. Again it’s a bit much, it seems much stronger without this last curse bit.

[JUAN] MAYBE NOW YOU'LL FIND PEACE.

[CAP] END. Unneeded

okay for this last page, what if instead of a splash page you set it up so that it’s one huge panel with a 2nd panel inserted on the page.

For panel one we could see Juan still holding the stake into Jack’s chest, while supporting Jack’s lifeless body. He looks disappointed that it has had to come to this.

Meanwhile in panel two it could be a CU of Jack on the ground, his eyes returned to their previous human state (but obviously staring off dead to the world) the journal in the grass beside his face.

overall this is ROCKIN!! I can't wait to see how it turns out in the end, great work jayvee!! :D

[jayvee]

Aye, Rewrite #2 is forthcoming.

Give me awhile to process you and IronSyndicate's crit and we'll be on our way.

DIGITAL WEBBING'S BASIC COMIC SCRIPT WRITING TERMINOLOGY (http://www.digitalwebbing.com/forums/showthread.php?t=5495)


Angle On - It's a shorthand for saying, "This scene (or panel) contains the same visual information as the last one. Choose a different angle to keep it interesting or to emphasize a particular character (i.e., 'Angle on same', or 'Angle on Wolverine as he reacts to Nightcrawler's bath-house offer')."

[ielle77]

lol... oh dear you just made me nearly spit my orange juice all over the computer. Wolverine reacting to nightcrawler's bathhouse offer... baha ha ha!

thanks for the angle on trick. I shall be borrowing that :D

can't wait to see rewrite #2 !

[jayvee]

TITLE: HOWLERS (REWRITE #2)
AUTHOR: JEREMIAH ALLAN

CHARACTER DESCRIPTIONS

1.) JACK WEBSTER: Thirty-something-year-old drifter, typical American cowboy apparel with the exception of his dead wife's scarf he keeps around his neck at all times; Jack has a pistol holstered on each hip with an ammo belt to match; his features are rugged, overcome with stubble though not a full beard. Jack doesn't cast a shadow.

2.) ONE-EYED JUAN: An older Mexican man into his fifties, Juan doesn't bother wearing a patch to cover the multiple slasher marks responsible for the loss of his eye; he is dressed in a traditional Mexican poncho and sombrero with a shotgun strapped across his back. Juan doesn't cast a shadow.

3.) NAMELESS NED: Cannon fodder; Ned is a gangly settler, bereft of any unique qualities barring the constant bottle of whiskey seemingly glued to his hand; if anything, he needs a weasel-look, like a real worthless bastard so no one wonders why JACK doesn't save him

LETTERING NOTES

1.) Consecutive word balloons accredited to the same character are assumed to be linked.

2.) Words are bolded in a cue for special emphasis.

PAGE ONE.

P1. Long shot: Night is come; bright stars shine in the sky above a circle of covered wagons camped up until morning. There's a fire lit in the center of the ring, a trail of smoke and embers drifting up through the thermal drafts. The shadow of a wolf trots along the outskirts of the camp.

[CAP] JOURNAL. MAY 12, 1862.

[CAP] OUT HERE, THERE'S A LOTTA NOCTURNAL MONSTERS CITY FOLK BACK EAST AIN'T EVER SEEN.

[CAP] AIN'T NEVER GONNA SEE 'EM, NEITHER.

[CAP] THE KINDA SPOOKS A FELLAH RUNS ACROSS IN THIS HERE NEW STATE OF KANSAS AIN'T THE KIND TA BE SEEN… NOT LESS'N THEY WANNA BE.

P2. JACK WEBSTER hunched over on a log in front of the camp's fire with his journal in one hand, a pencil in the other scribbling away in the beat-up old book. NAMELESS NED sits beside him in the background of the panel, downing a bottle of whiskey.

[CAP] WAY I FIGGER, THERE'S PROB'LY ONLY TWO HOMBRES IN THIS WHOLE COUNTRY WHO'VE ACTUALLY WITNESSED WHAT THESE WESTERN NIGHTS TRULY HAVE TO OFFER.

[CAP] I MAKE ONE.

P3. ONE-EYED JUAN sits on his saddle-bags, elbows on his knees with a bowl of chili in hand. The spoon inside the bowl, however, stays where it's at, leaning against the side; it seems that he has no interest in food, instead staring into the blaze.

[CAP] OL' JUAN MAKES THE OTHER.

[CAP] TOUGHEST SON OF A GUN I EVER DID MEET, AN' MEANER'N A SACK UH HUNGRY RATTLERS… LIKELY ON ACCOUNT OF THAT MISSIN' EYE.

[CAP] LEAST HE'S STILL GOT ONE.

P4. An old-fashioned photograph of a man (JACK), his wife (wearing the scarf that JACK now keeps around his neck) and son sits beside JACK on the log as he writes. In the picture, they're all dressed in formal--almost regal--attire; only the woman and the boy are smiling.

[CAP] ME, I MAY GOT MY GOD-GIVEN SIGHT BUT I'D TRADE IT ALL IN A HEARTBEAT TO HAVE BACK WHAT'S IN THIS BEAT-UP OL' PHOTOGRAPH.

PAGE TWO.

P1. Wide: JACK and NAMELESS NED (still clutching the liquor bottle) turn their heads, looking off into the distance at the source of the howl. Traces of an anticipatory grin play at the edge of JACK'S mouth while NED appears absolutely terrified.

[CAP] THEY SAY THAT THE LORD GIVETH, AN' THE LORD TAKETH AWAY…? I retained the question mark at the end because it's a rhetorical statement, hinting at sarcasm.

[CAP] THAT MAY BE TRUE… BUT IT DON'T GIVE NO COMFORT TO STOP THE HURT. Opted for ellipsis rather than the hard break of a period.

[SFX, trailing off] AWOOOOOOOOOOO.

P2. NAMELESS NED looks to JACK, horrified, as JACK continues peering out into the darkness, eyes sparkling and alight with eagerness.

[NED] Y-YA HEAR THAT?

[NED] YA THINK WE ALL OUGHTTA HUNKER DOWN IN THE WAGONS?

P3. JACK stuffs the journal into his right front pocket as he stands. NED remains on his perch, looking up at him.

[NED] WELL…?

[NED] AIN'T YOU SUPPOSED TA BE SOME KINDA WILDERNESS EXPERT?

P4. JACK checks the chamber of his revolver. NED takes a giant swig of whiskey as the shadowed figure of a werewolf creeps up behind him.

[JACK] HIDIN' IN THE WAGONS AIN'T GONNA HELP, NED.

[JACK] I'D PRAY, IF'N I WERE YOU… AND DO IT FAST.

[NED] HMPH. PRAYIN' AIN'T NEVER HELPED A MAN MORE'N LIQUOR.

[NED] JUST LET ME FINISH THIS BOTTLE AND I'LL…

PAGE THREE.

P1. Wide: Close-up: A werewolf comes face-to-face with a terrified NED, eyes wide and jaw lax.

[NED, whisper] …GO INVESTIGATE.

P2. Focus on NED'S bottle of whiskey as it drops to the ground, shattering. The wolf pounces on NED in the background.

P2. Huge: JACK stands, an angry expression overtaking his face as his fists clench at his sides. (One of those fists has a pistol in it.) All around the inside of the circled wagons, giant werewolves in tattered human clothing terrorize the settlers--chasing or pouncing on them and ripping them to shreds; JUAN still sits, staring into the fire; he's apparently unfazed by the creatures' sudden appearance. NED is being eaten.

[CAP] I'M HERE TO MAKE REPARATIONS WITH THEM UGLY CRITTERS WHO KILLED MY FAMILY.

[CAP] JUAN CAME BECAUSE THESE THINGS OWED 'IM A DEBT OR TWO.

[CAP] TOGETHER, WE'RE GONNA SEND THESE HOWLERS BACK TO THE LIFE-STEALIN' DEVIL THAT DONE RAISED 'EM UP OUTTA THE GRASS, GIFT-WRAPPED AN' PERTY.

[cap] PUT SOME BOOT MARKS UP AN' DOWN THEIR BACKSIDES TO SHOW THAT EVIL BASTARD WHAT HAPPENS TO FOLK THAT TRY TO CROSS JACK WEBSTER.

[TITLE & CREDITS] HOWLERS

PAGE FOUR.

P1. JACK fires his pistol, shooting a werewolf who's bearing down on a defenseless, frightened young woman.

[CAP] JUAN AN' I FOUND EACH OTHER THROUGH A MUTUAL ACQUAINTANCE… A MAN WHO HAD HIMSELF A VESTED INT'REST IN THE FINDIN' AN' EXTERMINATION OF THE PROWLIN' BEASTIES.

[CAP] WE WAS ONLY HAPPY TO ACCEPT, GIVEN THE CIRCUMSTANCES.

P2. JACK draws his other pistol and shoots one off the top of a wagon, the barrel of the other still smoking.

[CAP] WE KNOWED EXACTLY WHERE THEY'D BE, TOO, 'CAUSE THEY DON'T MOVE MUCH.

[CAP] DON'T HAVE TO.

P3. Large: JACK walks towards us, shooting both pistols at the camera. The corpse of the wolf-man on top of the wagon has fallen near an apathetic JUAN, who continues his unmoving campfire vigil--none of the other creatures appear to take notice of him.

[CAP] THIS HERE GROUP OF SETTLERS SAID THEY'D BE HEADED STRAIGHT THROUGH THE HEART OF THEIR HUNTIN' GROUNDS… SO NATURALLY, ME AN' JUAN HITCHED A RIDE.

[CAP] SAVE A LIFE OR TWO AN' MAYBE WE'D BE FORGIVEN FER SOME OF WHAT WE DID.

[CAP] SOME OF WHAT WE WERE GONNA DO.

PAGE FIVE.

P1. Wide: JACK backs up in front of JUAN, firing both guns in a minor retreat at a beast that's already mid-air, lunging at him. Again, JUAN doesn't seem to notice, eyes distant. I kept JACK in front of Juan because he's got to be there in order to trip and fall into the fire.

[JACK] YOU GONNA HELP OR WHAT…?

[JUAN] LOOKS LIKE YOU'RE DOING JUST FINE ON YOUR OWN.

P2. JACK and the wolf both go toppling over into the campfire, carried by the monster's momentum; the pot of chili formerly suspended by a tripod goes spilling over into the air, a trail of beans flying after it.

P3. Close-up: JACK and the wolf-man in the middle of the inferno, our hero on his back and glaring. The wolf snaps his jaws, only to have them caught by the ire-filled cowboy.

[JACK, yell] I'M SENDIN' YOU BACK TO HELL!

PAGE SIX.

P1. The two combatants dive out of the fire, flames rolling from their bodies as they break from combat, their clothes aflame and kicking burning embers into the air.

P2. The werewolf writhes in agony, stirring up dust as it tries to put itself out.

P3. Angle on.

P4.Angle on.

P5. JACK on the grass, facing away from us as he crawls on his hands and knees towards the recovering werewolf, back and trousers still alight.

P6. Angle on.

P7. Over-the-shoulder shot: JACK reaches a hand out towards the wolf.

PAGE SEVEN.

P1. Large: A flaming JACK plunges his fist into the creature's chest and pulls out its still-beating heart. JACK'S eyes have glossed over, turned crimson as a set of vampiric fangs sprout where his upper canines used to be; his skin burns as well, turning ashen and black where it's not outright melting his skin… But JACK doesn't seem to care, too caught up in the bloodlust and excitement of the kill to care. I'd like to keep this one panel as opposed to splitting it up; turning it into two panels would affect the psychological shock factor of turning the page and suddenly seeing our main character's secret.

P2. VAMPIRE JACK looks back over his shoulder at the final werewolf retreating back out into the prairie; his fangs are still bared, bloodthirsty, and the fire consuming him has apparently gone out. Wisps of smoke drift upward off his shoulders and back.

P3. The last werewolf sprints through thigh-high grass, running at the camera, desperate to get away but it's apparent that it's not fast enough. VAMPIRE JACK is leaping at him from behind, arms outstretched and bloody fingers working, ready to grab.

PAGE EIGHT.

P1. Tall: Thin: VAMPIRE JACK lands on the creature's back, throwing them both into the grass and weeds.

P2. Tall: Wide: Bug's eye view: VAMPIRE JACK has a hand around the werewolf's throat, the other balled up into a fist above his head, preparing to come striking down. Anger devours him. I left the werewolf fully transformed here in order to keep the surprise element in P3 of it changing into a human at all; I also nixed the "varmint" line entirely, given the cheese-poof nature of any battle cry I might try to insert.

[WOLF, weakly] PLEASE… DON'T…

P3. Large: The wolf begins to revert to human form, revealing the face of a young boy who looks astonishingly like JACK, whose fist still hangs in the air. He recoils in horror.

[WOLF, weakly] DON'T KILL ME, DAD.

[JACK, whisper] NO…!

PAGE NINE.

P1. The half-reverted wolf stands, looming above the crouched, trembling body of VAMPIRE JACK. The creature looks suspiciously like it might take advantage of JACK'S sudden weakness and kill him.

[JACK, whisper] NO, NO… AIN'T RIGHT.

[JACK, whisper] I SAW YOU DIE!

P2. That is, if there wasn't a huge bullet hole in the wolf-creature's head. VAMPIRE JACK falls to the grass, looking up at the now-dead beast. In the foreground, ONE-EYED JUAN'S hand is wrapped around his revolver, barrel still smoking--only the hand is visible, however; the rest of him is off-panel.

[JUAN, op] YOU DID SEE HIM DIE.

P3. VAMPIRE JACK glares at as JUAN lowers his weapon. JUAN'S vampiric fangs can be seen as he talks. I left this one panel because I want the reader to see JACK reacting to JUAN'S words.

[JUAN] THEY'RE SHAPE-SHIFTERS, JACK.

[JUAN] THEY READ YOUR THOUGHTS AND EXPLOIT THEM.

P4. Close-up: JACK'S lips quiver in anger.

[JACK, whisper] NO.

PAGE TEN.

P1. VAMPIRE JACK leaps for JUAN, ready to kill; JUAN takes a step back, throwing his off-hand up into the air to block the attack, growling, fangs exposed.

[JACK, yell] YOU KILLED MY SON!

[JACK, yell] YER BEHIND ALL OF IT…!

[JUAN] YOU BEGGED ME TO COME, STRIPLING!

[JUAN] THE BLOODLUST IS CLOUDING YOUR MIND!

P2. JUAN grabs VAMPIRE JACK by the shirt and uses his momentum to fling him into one of the covered wagons several yards away, a curious display of power that--up until this moment--we didn't think him capable of. JACK goes right through the wood.

[JUAN] YOU KNOW WHAT HAPPENS WHEN WE SUCCUMB TO MADNESS...

[JUAN, yell] …THERE'S NO COMING BACK!

P3. Medium shot: JUAN stands in the grass, fists clenched and prepared to fight. I thought the "control" line was too important to lose because it sets up for the end of the story, so I split it from the other panel and dedicated a moment to it, with a few minor dialogue changes.

[JUAN, op] YOU'VE GOT TO CONTROL IT WHILE YOU STILL CAN, JACK.

P4. Close-up: VAMPIRE JACK crawls out of the splintered hole, glaring at JUAN with fierce, glowing eyes. He looks to be growling, uncontrollable rage having taken completely over.

[JUAN, op] YOUR SON HAS BEEN DEAD FOR A HUNDRED YEARS…

[JUAN, op] YOU WERE BEING MANIPULATED.

P5. VAMPIRE JACK flies towards JUAN, aiming to kill.

[JACK, yell] QUIT TRYIN' TO TRICK ME!

PAGE ELEVEN.

LAYOUT NOTE: P1 - P3 are in line with one another in a single row across the top while P4 sprawls out across the majority of the page, serving as a semi-splash to close the story.

P1. JACK slashes at JUAN'S face.

P2. Angle on.

P3. Extreme close-up: JACK'S eyes go wide with sudden surprise.

P4. Huge: JUAN stands over VAMPIRE JACK'S corpse, a stake in his chest where his heart used to be; JUAN looks remorseful, head down and frowning. A small book with the word JOURNAL printed on the cover has fallen out of JACK'S pocket into the grass beside him.

[CAP] I SOLD MY SOUL FOR THE POWER TO AVENGE MY FAMILY.

[CAP] THEY'RE ANGELS NOW AN' I'M A DEVIL.

[CAP] I KNOW I AIN'T GONNA SEE 'EM IN THE HEREAFTER… BUT IN MY HEART, I KNOWED I DONE THE RIGHT THING.

[CAP] AIN'T NO REGRETS FER SETTIN' THINGS PROPER.

[JUAN] I'M SORRY, JACK.

[JUAN] MAYBE NOW YOU'LL FIND PEACE.

[ielle77]

wow... that was fast! :D

okay, well you've won me over with most of your explanations.

The question mark makes sense now, but i'm not sure if you need ellipses before it.

the following ellipses, i'm totally on board with now

Still not 100% sure if i like staticness that we may get with the juan in the background Jack in the front but i'm open to seeing if the artist can pull it off. Your reasoning absolutely makes sense. I just figured the other way might lend to some interesting angles. But lets see how your original idea plays out first. If we don't like it the poor penciler can try it a different way.

ok you won me over on the psychological impact of the panel and the need to keep it in one shot (the ripping of the heart scene)

Yeah, sad to see it go but the varmit's removal has perked up that scene a bit. Also agree with your transformation comment now that i look at it again.

Not sure if i agree with the jack in the background idea with juan's comments, but i understand why you say so. Its just that we don't have a lot of Close Ups and you have his reaction (verbally and visually) in the next panel. Then again it is nice to see him reacting to Juan... i think its the lowering the weapon comment that makes me think this will end up being a medium long shot or something where we don't get as good of a look at their expresions just so we can get the weapon in panel. Eh, i think this is another one that we'll keep it and see if the artist can pull it off. If not, perhaps we'll have to dump the weapon in view idea??

great job working the control line back in. It really works now :D

anyway, i think this is good. I think we have a working script now. I say GREENLIGHT! If problems arise as the artists work on it, we'll work with them then.

great work Jayvee and WOW! I hope we can get some penciler (or pencilers) who have half the drive you have! :D

[jayvee]

Many thanks, Ielle.

I'm probably more excited about this than anybody.

Let's get this show on the road.

[ielle77]

took the words right out of my mouth... uh Xadrian, what's next? Character design?? Do we need a new thread for that?? :confused: :o

[jayvee]

You might PM him if you haven't already, rather than hope he's sees this.

[ielle77]

character design and development thread is up
http://www.penciljack.com/forum/showthread.php?p=735687#post735687

have at it guys :)

[amadarwin]

quick question...what the heck does "Angle on" mean?

[jayvee]

DIGITAL WEBBING'S BASIC COMIC SCRIPT WRITING TERMINOLOGY (http://www.digitalwebbing.com/forums/showthread.php?t=5495)


Angle On - It's a shorthand for saying, "This scene (or panel) contains the same visual information as the last one. Choose a different angle to keep it interesting or to emphasize a particular character (i.e., 'Angle on same', or 'Angle on Wolverine as he reacts to Nightcrawler's bath-house offer')."

[GRiM]

I had never heard that term before either, but I assumed it meant pretty much that I guess; same scene, different angle. Like using three panels to show the werewolf writhing on the ground to put out the fire. Very effective here I think.

Also, I must say I kind of liked just seeing the werewolf loom over Ned as he takes a swig and Jack telling him to pray... and do it fast. And then just leaving it at that, rather than spelling it all out for the reader. I don't think showing him mutilated is necessary. The way Jack adds, '...and do it fast.', it seems to me that he probably smells or heard the wolf behind Ned; knows it's about to get him. And showing the silhouette behind him is enough to tell us, oop, yeah, Ned's gone. And then maybe in a following panel you could show the whiskey bottle with a smear of blood on it as a little visual clue as to Ned's demise.

Basically, I just feel like the scene with Ned being killed seriously slows things down. He's insignificant. I think seeing the inevitable coming up behind him and Jack telling him to 'pray, and do it fast' and then moving on and leaving Ned behind is much more effective, because the whole point of Ned is that he doesn't matter. It seems kind of odd to me to devote those extra panels to his death. We know he died, there was a werewolf behind him and Jack knew it and didn't bother to save him, much less turn around, cuz let's face it, the guy's a loser and Jack Webster doesn't seem the sort to f*ck around with dipsh*ts like Ned. He had it coming. Hell, he was wearin a red shirt for cryin' out loud! Anyway, I vote to lose the Ned death scene, but that's just my humble opinion.

Then about Juan's dialogue. I totally agree with the points that Nate made regarding this. First of all, he's Mexican. The southern accent seems odd for him. I think more dignified is better, he should be a well-spoken guy.

And finally, sign me up for page 7 pencils.

Seriously, this is some killer sh*t.

[amadarwin]

Thanks, Jayvee. I had no idea.

[ielle77]

grim, page 7 IS YOURS.

Merry Christmas :D

[GRiM]

Yay! Santa, that fat bastard, he is real!

[ielle77]

hmmm long as you didn't call me santa or a fat bastard.. .i'm fine with that statement lol ;)

[GRiM]

Oh, no, I just assumed you got the word from Santa. He's the fat bastard, that glorious, glorious fat man, that jolly bowl of kind-hearted fatness, I love that fat ****.