foxmerquise8
04-27-2004, 06:47 PM
I posted this before and after heavily editing and reworking it I'm ready for a final critique.
Page 1
Panel 1
A girl is sitting on a majestic cliff in the daytime. We are too far away to see most details on her, so we just see the form, although we can tell that she is sitting in the cradle position. The skies behind her are clear and cloudless. The cliff she is on is protruding from a mountain, which has some trees on it.
Panel 2
Now we are starting to close in on the girl, we can now tell that she is an African American girl that is about the age of nine. She has somewhat long hair, which is in pigtails. and she is wearing a somewhat ragged dress.
Panel 3
We are now up close and in the face of the girl, she has tears running down her cheeks and she is holding a heart shaped locket in her hand.
Panel 4
Close up of the locket in her hand.
GIRL - Papa, come soon.
Panel 5
The young girl is now lying down, but her eyes are wide open. It is now dusk, so the sky has an array of warm colors like orange and yellow. The sun is also in a lower position now and some clouds are now in the sky.
Panel 6
She is still lying on the ground, but now her eyes are closed and she is asleep. It is night time out and a full moon is behind her in a light overcast.
Page 2
Panel 1
A somewhat large black man (Papa) is running through swampy woods at nighttime, he is holding the girl from the last page in his arms. This man has ragged clothes on. Another person is running behind Papa, but we can only see their leg and maybe their arm.
Papa - Hurry, we’re almost to the cave! There we can hide ’till tomorrow.
Panel 2
A whole African American family is now running through the swampy woods. There are 3 young boys, the young girl from the first page, a teenage boy, 2 women, a large man (Tom) and the man carrying the young girl. They are all wearing old and tattered clothes.
Panel 3
The family is now going through knee high water in a murky river. They are slowly making their way through the water. Papa is still holding the young girl in his arms.
Young Girl - Do you think we’ll make it, daddy?
Papa - I think so, the cave is just beyond this river.
Tom - About ‘nother mile and we’re free.
Panel 4
Papa and other the man are helping the family get out the river, Papa is in the river pushing one of the three young boys out of the river.
Panel 5
Now Papa is climbing out of the river, he is the last one to get out.
Panel 6
A shot is going through Papa as he gets out of the river.
Papa - Arggghhhhh!
Off Panel Voice - PAPA!!!!!!!!
Page 3
Panel 1
A waist up shot of a large Caucasian man (Hunter) with a shotgun in his hand shouting from across the river. He has a devious look to him and is somewhat over weight. Two of Hunters sons are seen behind him, they look to be in their twenties.
Hunter - That will teach you for running from my plantation boy.
Panel 2
The young girl is on her knees, holding the hand of her father who is lying on the bank of the river and bleeding profusely. The rest of the family is behind the young girl. Tom is running toward the young girl from the family.
Young Girl - Papa, are you ok?
Tom - We can't help him now Elaine.
Panel 3
A letterbox, distanced view of the two parties on their respective banks of the swampy river. Hunter is with his sons on the west bank reloading his shotgun. Elaine is tending to Papa on the east bank as Tom goes to retrieve her.
Panel 4
Hunter is now aiming his shotgun at the family.
Hunter - I'll make an example of those who run. I'll bring you bodies back just to show what happens to runners.
Page 4
Panel 1
Papa is now holding his hand out to the young girl, in his hand is a heart shaped locket. The girl is reaching for her father's hand as dirt is being kicked up by the shotgun rounds.
Papa - Elaine...
Elaine - Yes, papa?
Papa - Take this locket and go with Tom, you will be safe with him.
Elaine - But.....
Papa - Good-bye Elaine, please go now, Tom will take care of you ...
Off Panel Voice - Come on Elaine, we can‘t wait any longer.
Panel 2
Elaine has tears running down her cheeks as she grasps on to the locket that her father gave her. Tom is pulling her away from papa.
Elaine - PAPA!!!!!!
Tom - Please Elaine, we have to catch up with the group.
Panel 3
A close up of Elaine sad eyes with tears coming forth and rolling down her cheeks.
Off Panel Voice - He gave his life for you, he would’ve wanted you to be with us.
Panel 4
Tom is carrying Elaine in his arms as he runs from the bank of the river.
Tom - Bye Bobby, I'll miss you...
Page 5
Panel 1
Hunter and his sons are now standing over Papa who is now facing the sky. Papa looks to be on his last breath.
Hunter - Why all this running Bobby? To die...... is that what you’re hoping?
Panel 2
Hunter is now aiming his shotgun at Papa.
Hunter - Bye Bobby, I'll make sure your daughter sees you on the other side too.
Son#1 - Heh, other side...... your funny pa.
Panel 3
A close up of Hunter's shotgun firing.
Panel 4
The panel is just smeared with blood (like it was splattered on glass) with the backdrop of the swampy forest.
Page 1
Panel 1
A girl is sitting on a majestic cliff in the daytime. We are too far away to see most details on her, so we just see the form, although we can tell that she is sitting in the cradle position. The skies behind her are clear and cloudless. The cliff she is on is protruding from a mountain, which has some trees on it.
Panel 2
Now we are starting to close in on the girl, we can now tell that she is an African American girl that is about the age of nine. She has somewhat long hair, which is in pigtails. and she is wearing a somewhat ragged dress.
Panel 3
We are now up close and in the face of the girl, she has tears running down her cheeks and she is holding a heart shaped locket in her hand.
Panel 4
Close up of the locket in her hand.
GIRL - Papa, come soon.
Panel 5
The young girl is now lying down, but her eyes are wide open. It is now dusk, so the sky has an array of warm colors like orange and yellow. The sun is also in a lower position now and some clouds are now in the sky.
Panel 6
She is still lying on the ground, but now her eyes are closed and she is asleep. It is night time out and a full moon is behind her in a light overcast.
Page 2
Panel 1
A somewhat large black man (Papa) is running through swampy woods at nighttime, he is holding the girl from the last page in his arms. This man has ragged clothes on. Another person is running behind Papa, but we can only see their leg and maybe their arm.
Papa - Hurry, we’re almost to the cave! There we can hide ’till tomorrow.
Panel 2
A whole African American family is now running through the swampy woods. There are 3 young boys, the young girl from the first page, a teenage boy, 2 women, a large man (Tom) and the man carrying the young girl. They are all wearing old and tattered clothes.
Panel 3
The family is now going through knee high water in a murky river. They are slowly making their way through the water. Papa is still holding the young girl in his arms.
Young Girl - Do you think we’ll make it, daddy?
Papa - I think so, the cave is just beyond this river.
Tom - About ‘nother mile and we’re free.
Panel 4
Papa and other the man are helping the family get out the river, Papa is in the river pushing one of the three young boys out of the river.
Panel 5
Now Papa is climbing out of the river, he is the last one to get out.
Panel 6
A shot is going through Papa as he gets out of the river.
Papa - Arggghhhhh!
Off Panel Voice - PAPA!!!!!!!!
Page 3
Panel 1
A waist up shot of a large Caucasian man (Hunter) with a shotgun in his hand shouting from across the river. He has a devious look to him and is somewhat over weight. Two of Hunters sons are seen behind him, they look to be in their twenties.
Hunter - That will teach you for running from my plantation boy.
Panel 2
The young girl is on her knees, holding the hand of her father who is lying on the bank of the river and bleeding profusely. The rest of the family is behind the young girl. Tom is running toward the young girl from the family.
Young Girl - Papa, are you ok?
Tom - We can't help him now Elaine.
Panel 3
A letterbox, distanced view of the two parties on their respective banks of the swampy river. Hunter is with his sons on the west bank reloading his shotgun. Elaine is tending to Papa on the east bank as Tom goes to retrieve her.
Panel 4
Hunter is now aiming his shotgun at the family.
Hunter - I'll make an example of those who run. I'll bring you bodies back just to show what happens to runners.
Page 4
Panel 1
Papa is now holding his hand out to the young girl, in his hand is a heart shaped locket. The girl is reaching for her father's hand as dirt is being kicked up by the shotgun rounds.
Papa - Elaine...
Elaine - Yes, papa?
Papa - Take this locket and go with Tom, you will be safe with him.
Elaine - But.....
Papa - Good-bye Elaine, please go now, Tom will take care of you ...
Off Panel Voice - Come on Elaine, we can‘t wait any longer.
Panel 2
Elaine has tears running down her cheeks as she grasps on to the locket that her father gave her. Tom is pulling her away from papa.
Elaine - PAPA!!!!!!
Tom - Please Elaine, we have to catch up with the group.
Panel 3
A close up of Elaine sad eyes with tears coming forth and rolling down her cheeks.
Off Panel Voice - He gave his life for you, he would’ve wanted you to be with us.
Panel 4
Tom is carrying Elaine in his arms as he runs from the bank of the river.
Tom - Bye Bobby, I'll miss you...
Page 5
Panel 1
Hunter and his sons are now standing over Papa who is now facing the sky. Papa looks to be on his last breath.
Hunter - Why all this running Bobby? To die...... is that what you’re hoping?
Panel 2
Hunter is now aiming his shotgun at Papa.
Hunter - Bye Bobby, I'll make sure your daughter sees you on the other side too.
Son#1 - Heh, other side...... your funny pa.
Panel 3
A close up of Hunter's shotgun firing.
Panel 4
The panel is just smeared with blood (like it was splattered on glass) with the backdrop of the swampy forest.