Big Fat Beat 'em Up Poll

[Vendetta]

Which story was the best?

[mwhite]

I enjoyed the ones by Ben and theory9 the most, respectively. I voted for theory9, though. I liked his dialogue a little bit more. Both were great, given the time they were written in. Popeye's was nice too. I liked that one.

[cabralsoth]

great job by all, in the end though i chose bens. i think i would have the most fun with that one, plus the visuals i got in my head are hilarious.

[DestroyAll]

crispy M&M's are the best kind.

[theory9]

I voted for DestroyAll, as I liked the ending.
Seems like nobody followed the rules (2 pg.), which sort of defeats the purpose of the exercise in the first place.

[Vendetta]

Wasn't it two to three pages?

[shipp]

i guess you all will have to have a long intervention with me, to tell me why i suck.

(EDIT)
groan
grammar will be one of the many reasons mentioned.

[theory9]

Originally posted by Vendetta
Wasn't it two to three pages?

Forgive me: I hadn't read the rules in this thread, only in the initial thread. :(

[theory9]

Originally posted by trismus
i guess you all will have to have a long intervention with me, to tell me why i suck.

(EDIT)
groan
grammar will be one of the many reasons mentioned.

"There are a lot of people on these boards who love you, and want you to do well..."

Probably one of the biggest "glitches" in your script is the tendency to use captions to describe action that is already occurring visually. Depending on what type of script you're preparing, you should be able to take the words and understand the script, and vice versa. Should'nt need additional explanations to support the visuals.

I think you're also cramming a lot of panels onto each page. I wouldn't have more than four panels for your page. It could go something like this:


Panel 1--wide shot of a busy airport terminal at midday. The faces of the crowd are shaded out, revealing our two opponents: MR BLACK and MR WHITE. It should be obvious that these men are the only important people in the panel. They stare at one another through and over the crowd.

Panel 2--We're standing in a crossroads of sorts between gates, and the people (represented identically to panel 1) have thinned out a bit. We can tell from their respective postures that MR BLACK and MR WHITE are about to fight, hand-to-hand. These men are close enough to fight immediately.

Panel 3--MR BLACK throws a punch towards us and to the right of the panel.

Panel 4--MR WHITE blocks MR BLACK'S punch with an open right fist; should be a fairly dramatic panel, perhaps a little larger than normal.

This edited version contains the same elements as the previous page, but "breathes" more. By that I mean that the artist (and the reader) have more room to view the action, and to get a better sense of the weight/significance of each panel.

I also recommend on working on their dialogue, fleshing out their personalities a bit. I know its only a few pages, but as a writer you want to draw the reader in.

Hope this helps.

Intervention over. ;)

[cabralsoth]

nice tweak... listen, learn, grow......

[shipp]

thanks.
i mean that. i hadn't thought about the captions describing already occuring action, which is ironic 'cause i hate that shit.
and now that i think about it, the pages are pretty crowded. i guess i was trying to cram to much into the pages during the editing process.
thanks again.

[theory9]

...highly unlikely.
Did anyone really learn from this?

I'm bein' serious here...

[shipp]

obviously, i did.

[DestroyAll]

Again! Again!

[banshee]

I think it's fun to do this.. if it comes wt some c&cs (which I admit I hvnt done in AGES and AGES), then we always learn something.....

it's nice to have something different on TWD... GO FOR STORY ROUND FOUR folks!