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foxmerquise8
03-10-2004, 04:15 PM
I decided that my other story wasn't original enough. Here is another.


Story - This story follows a gunslinger swordsman by the name of Tommy “the Undecided” during the classic spaghetti western times. He gets the “Undecided” handle because of his need to use both a sword and a gun. When Tommy and his adopted brother go into law enforcement to make a name for themselves, they are soon traced and followed by suspicious characters. When its discovered that these characters are after his trusted sword, Tommy decides to get the bottom of the situation. Little does he know that his sword is part of an ancient collection that is owned by British merchants who will stop at nothing to complete it.

Setting - The Old West in the 1880s, more specially Northern Arizona. The story bounces around the West from time to time.


Characters -

Tommy “The Undecided” Hutonghua - The gun slinging swordsman himself. Tommy is a tall Caucasian man with short brown hair. His expressions and mannerisms give off the personality of a brave, but gentle young man. Tommy’s attire consists of various items from the American cowboy stereotype and the traditional Chinese garb. For the most part he has cowboy attire with the exception of his Chinese sunhat and sandals. His weapons include two Chinese swords, one short and one long, and a six-shooter. These swords are tied to him by a samurai type cloth belt. To finish off the look, he walks around with a long grain in his mouth.

Tommy was born Tomas H. Withiny to a rich western family in Northern Arizona. His parents died when he was only six years old during a train robbery. On his deathbed, Tommy’s father, entrusted the well-being of his son to a Chinese employee who had saved his life earlier. This Chinese employee was an immigrant from Beijing who brought his family over for a better life. A close friend to his boss, the immigrant agreed and got a somewhat large sum of money to take care of Tommy. Soon Tommy was learning swordsmanship from his adopted father and even started to excel in it.


Bobby Hutonghua - Tommy’s same aged adopted brother. When Tommy went to join the police force, Bobby went with him. Unlike his adopted brother, Bobby only uses firearms as his weapons of choice. Bobby believes that swordsmanship is a thing of an archaic style that should be phased out of practical law enforcement. Visually, he looks like a young man of Chinese descent and he wears the stereotypical cowboy wardrobe. Bobby’s arsenal contains an assortment of six shooters and the standard sawed off shotgun.

British Artifact Company - This is an archeological and historical company based in Hong Kong and run by British merchants. They have unearthed an ancient sword collection, but one sword is missing, that of Tommy “the Undecided”. Soon they track down the sword and send agents to the American west to retrieved it. They are backed by very powerful museums in England.

Desert Eagle and Desert Fox Two Indian brothers hired by the British Artifact Company as mercenaries. They were hired to retrieved the sword of Tommy “the Undecided”. They wear a mix of Indian and cowboy clothing. Desert Eagle arms himself with creative and deadly arrows that he holds in quiver. Desert Fox arms himself with the standard six shooter and a powerful Winchester rifle.

kroberts
03-10-2004, 04:58 PM
I like the idea of a gun slinging/sword swinging law man of the west...kind of like Caine from Kung-Fu on acid. My first concern is with that of the swords. From your description I think Japanese samurai with the two swords, which wouldn't be right if they were given to him by a Chinese immigrant. I don't know Chinese weaponry, do you? I guess my second is the pursuit of the swords being the primary plot...I mean how nefarious can a museum curator be?

I'm pretty sure there wasn't a "police force" back in the 1880's. He'd either be local law enforcement like a sheriff, or a ranger, or military.

But I do like the idea of the main character and I have a cool visual in my head as to how he would look. I could give or take the adopted brother. If you make this guy a sheriff you could have your pick of characters to be his deputies and what not.

Run with though, I'd like to see where you go with it.

foxmerquise8
03-10-2004, 05:07 PM
He just happens to carry two swords, its not like he is devout in chinese tradition, although he does try to pay respect to his adopted parents.

Also, the musuem is sending agents, not there regular employees. So they are sending various mercenaries to get the sword, or they just hire outlaws in the west.

kroberts
03-10-2004, 05:17 PM
If he's not a devout follower of Chinese tradition then why does he bother carrying a sword at all? I just think you should be as acuurate as possible when fusing the two styles of east and west.

What makes this one sword so special? Why do they want it? Just to complete their collection? Is there some sort of supernatural element involved?

foxmerquise8
03-10-2004, 05:29 PM
Well it is somwhat supernatural, but I didn't want to get into a long winded synapsis.

As for the sword, I guess your right, but we can just call it an enlogated dagger for close combat.

kroberts
03-10-2004, 05:45 PM
That's cool then. I still think that the pursuit of the sword would make for a better subplot. I would go the revenge route and have his father a railroad executive of some sort, hence having Chinese workers. Have the parents killed off by a rival rail road company. Tommy gets taken in and protected by the Chinese railroad workers and raised in their culture. When he gets old enough he goes after the people responsible for his parents death...meanwhile he's being pursued by shadowy figures intent on getting their hands on the one thing that defines him, the one thing that makes him who he is - his sword...I don't know, maybe the revenge thing is cliche...regardless you'll need more than one plot line.

foxmerquise8
03-10-2004, 06:28 PM
Well have more in store, that's just the set up and when its all said and done, the Colorodo River will run red.

foxmerquise8
03-24-2004, 06:51 PM
I wanted to get full feedback, so I'm posting all of my pre-writing planning. Here is the springboard.

Springboard
Tommy “the Undecided” and Bobby begin their action packed misadventure through the malicious and dangerous West. After finishing their training, they decide to make a name for themselves in the West as sheriffs. An opportunity presents itself instantly in the form of an wanted flyer. The flyer reads that a mysterious group known as the Hanging Fire Gang has taken over a small trading town in northern Arizona and that a reward has been set for whoever frees the town.

The two siblings decide to take the next train to the town in hopes of freeing the it and its people. Soon they’re on the train and discussing their next move, until they’re rudely interrupted by a band of fighters also looking to claim the award. Fighting ensues and the battle spills from the dining car to the top of the train. Tommy demonstrates his amazing sword techniques for the first time as other mercenaries looking for the reward join the fray. Bobby also gives a stringent lesson in marksmanship with his solo six-shooter. The battle ends abruptly for a moment as the train pulls into the station on the brink of war.

theory9
03-25-2004, 12:59 PM
Why wouldn't Tommy's father open his own business if he was able to give his stepfather a "large sum of money"? Also, it doesn't make much sense that Tommy would learn the art of swordplay from a Westerner in the 19th century.

foxmerquise8
03-25-2004, 04:07 PM
He did, thats why he is rich. And he learns the style from a chinese immigrant.

foxmerquise8
03-29-2004, 03:54 PM
Here is my pre-writing for the script


Page 1
In the crest of nighttime, Tommy practices his swordsmanship with a wooden sword in a courtyard as Bobby comes running in to tell him about the “wanted” flyer he has found.

Page 2
Tommy and Bobby discuss the flyer in vague details and the opportunities it could bring. As Bobby goes over his ideas for the situation, Tommy begins to equip himself with his sword and various arms.

Page 3
Tommy suggests that they get ready to leave the current night so as not to alarm their parents with this risky escapade. Bobby obliges and begins to pack.


Page 4
The siblings ride off on horses from their large ranch into the midnight desert. Their parents see them ride off into the night as they read a note they left behind. This note describes their reasons for going.

Page 5
We switch scenes to a locomotive racing across the sunny desert. The duo is on this train in route to a postal office by the captured village. They are in an large dining car discussing their next plan of action when they are rudely interrupted by an brawly mercenary who over heard their conversation.

Page 6
The three soon begin the posturing of their egos and manliness which quickly turns into an all out brawl in the dinning car. As the fight is batted around the car more fighters and roustabouts get into the action. Soon Tommy and Bobby are surrounded.

Page 7
Tommy draws his sword and unleashes graceful slashes on to his unexpected opponents while Bobby dodges jabs from a large enemy.


Page 8
The train crosses a large wooden bridge as the fighting continues in the dinning car. Tommy throws one fighter out an window (and off the bridge). Bobby knocks out his most recent opponent and draws his revolver hastily as another enemy charges at him.

Page 9
Bobby falls back and shoots his assailant as Tommy eliminates more enemies with non-fatal blows. Tommy signals Bobby to follow him on the roof.

Page 10
Tommy climbs a ladder on the outside of the car to the roof of the train car where three enemies are waiting for him. Bobby (by the exit in the dinning car) fans his pistol and hits all his targets with miraculous aim.

Page 11
Tommy gets into his sword attack stance as Bobby joins him on the roof. Then the train rolls into a small station with a band of roustabouts and mercenaries waiting on the platform.