Volatile

[DestroyAll]

Greetings. So the guy's codename is Mason Volatile, and he's a super spy. I guess thats all you need to know. Crits and comments greatly appreciated. BTW, Vendetta, you kick ass.


Volatile

Page One (Seven panels)

Panel One
Interior shot of Mason Volatile’s apartment; It’s a real bachelor pad. In the foreground a cell phone lies on a table/shelf/TV set/whatever.

Panel Two
Mason and his date, a stereotypical breast-implanted blonde, enter the apartment in mid-makeout session.

Panel Three
Mason and his date move things onto the couch. The phone rings.
1 SFX: BRIIIING BRIIIING

Panel Four
The action on the couch has stopped.
1 Mason: DAMN.
2 SFX: BRIIIIING BRIIIING

Panel Five
Mason finally answers his phone.
1 Smith (Off Panel): TIME TO SAVE THE DAY, MASON.

Panel Six
Mason puts his hand over his face in frustration.
1 Mason: SIGH...I’M KIND OF BUSY RIGHT NOW.
2 Smith (OP): YOU GET TO KILL VAMPIRES THIS TIME.

Panel Seven
Same shot as previous panel, but this time Mason has a smirk on his face.
1 Mason: BE THERE IN TEN.

Page Two (Four panels)

Panel One
Outside of the apartment, Mason and the blonde stand by Mason’s car (a sporty black convertible or something similar.)
1 Mason: SORRY ABOUT THIS, BABE...I’LL MAKE IT UP TO YOU TONIGHT.
2 Blonde Chick: I WON’T BE HERE TONIGHT

Panel Two
Mason hops into his car.
1 Mason: THEN I’LL MAKE IT UP TO YOUR SISTER.

Panel Three
Mason speeds out of the parking lot
1 SFX: SCREEEEE

Panel Four
Mason flies by a cop while speeding down the highway.

Page Three (Six panels)

Panel One
Glancing in his rearview mirror, Mason sees the cop on his tail with the lights flashing.

Panel Two
Close-up of the speedometer. The needle points to 120

Panel Three
Mason makes a sharp left turn in the direction of the pier.

Panel Four
The cop speeds down the pier after Mason. The one or two people fishing jump out of the way into the water.

Panel Five
The cop slams on his breaks as he and Mason approach the end of the pier.
1 SFX: RRRRRRRRRTTT

Panel Six
Through the windshield of Mason’s car only water can be seen. In the rearview mirror, the cop has gotten out of his car to watch what happens.
1 Mason: NOT EVEN CLOSE. LAY OFF THE DONUTS.

Page Four (Splash)
Mason’s car flies off the edge of the peer. He has a smile on his face.

[Conan73]

I don't have much experience at this but here goes:

just a few suggestions:

Panel Five
Mason finally answers his phone.
1 Smith (Off Panel): TIME TO SAVE THE DAY, MASON.

you could try something like

Smith (off panel): were open for business!
or
Smith (off panel): Mason we're on the clock.

IN Panel Six
Mason puts his hand over his face in frustration.
1 Mason: SIGH...I’M KIND OF BUSY RIGHT NOW.
2 Smith (OP): YOU GET TO KILL VAMPIRES THIS TIME.

Well you could also have them say this:

Mason : What is it now? I'm kind of busy at the moment!
Smith : Are you up to a new challange Mason?
Mason : I kind of have my hands full at the moment!
Smith: Too bad, the new assignment gives you the opportunity to kill vampires! But I'll tell them that you aren't interested!

Question:
The part where he flies his car off of the pier, does his car turn into an aircraft or are you setting him off to jump his car onto a ship or something?

Sounds like a cool concept though!
Keep it up!

[DestroyAll]

Thanks for taking the time to give me some input man.


Originally posted by Conan73
Smith (off panel): Mason we're on the clock.

I like that, I might use it.


Question:
The part where he flies his car off of the pier, does his car turn into an aircraft or are you setting him off to jump his car onto a ship or something?

Sounds like a cool concept though!
Keep it up!

I was planning on having his car slightly transform into a vehicle capable of traveling on water.

[kroberts]

Pretty cool concept. I'd tweak it just a bit to make it a little more dynamic. I'd put the phone in closer proximity to the couch in the establishing shot. So on Panel 3 when you have them move to the couch the phone would ring from off panel but the reader knows he can reach it without completely stopping what he's doing. Then panel 4 could be a cose up of his hand reaching for the phone. Panel 5 could be a medium shot of Mason bringing the phone to his ear, as he answers the phone and you could have the woman still kissing on he neck...or better yet, if you want it to seem a bit more suggestive you could have her off panel. At this point I'd have him answer the phone with, "This isn't a good time" or "This had better be important" or something. I don't know how you want to portray Mason but the sigh kind of bugs me so I'd do away with that. Kind of implies he's reluctant or worse yet a whiner. I'd move in close for a reaction shot when he learns about the vampire bit and responds with the be there in 10...all in panel 6. Panel 7, if you went with the more suggestive tone earlier, would have him pulling up he head (otherwise just pushing her back slightly in order to tell her the bad news. Just a few ideas, for what it's worth. I'd need to know more of where you're going with the story to give you more...like is the reveal necessary about the vampires on page one, or would it be a more dramatic to save it for when he goes in for his briefing?

[kroberts]

I forgot to mention...I love the line about making it up to her sister. That's great.

[Conan73]

I like the concept , as I stated before.

A flying car? Leave them cops in the dust why don't ya!

I would love to see this when it is finished!

If you would like to see a rough draft of a story that I have been writing check out first time in front of the firing squad.

well got to go

see ya

[DestroyAll]

kroberts, thanks for the c&c my man. I definately don't want Mason to sound like a whiner so taking the sigh out is a good idea. I like all your other suggestions as well. I think the vampires info is better on the first page then when he goes and gets briefed, I'll have that all up here when I get a chance to type it up.

Conan, thanks again and I'll try to give your story the once over sometime this week (spring break woo).

[Conan73]

Have fun!

Dont do anything that I wouldnt do!

right now I can think of any at the moment!
Spring break now that brings back memories!

see ya!

[K.E. Woolfork]

A superspy who leaves his mission cell phone at home laying on a table/shelf/TV set/whatever? Put his phone on him. He pulls it out of a pocket and answers it.

Change the part where the OP voice tells him exactly WHAT he's going to be doing. "We're on the clock." is good. After that there shouldn't need to be any other dialogue. Or maybe,"Don't foget to punch your time card and report to the shift manager." Masdon replies, "I'll be there in ten."

For the way I write pages two and three are unnecessary. They slow down the story from the moment of notification to him getting his mission. His mission beingthe point of the story, right? We already know he's going to ditch the girl. He said he'd be there in ten so he's either going to drive really fast or he works really close. I understand you wanted to show off the gadgetry, but the following pages could pick up with Mason in his office talking about the chick he almost bagged or the cop he had to lose.

Boss: "What was her name?"

Mason: "I don't remember, what's so important?"

B: "Vampires."

M: Really? Cool."

OR

B: "Time is crucial Mason, you're late."

M: "Sorry boss, I caught a tail from the local law enforcement."

B: " There were no problems? I trust you handled the matter with discretion."

M: "Discretion's a word. What's so important?

B: "Vampires."

Yadda yadda yadda . . . blah blah blah.

I'd like to see how this plays out.

K

[DestroyAll]

Wow I'm an idiot about the cell phone thing, thanks for pointing that out WP. The mission is the central focus of the story, but I wanted to show that Mason is a flashy, thrill-seeking kind of guy, and that the tone of the book is action movie fun type stuff(and of course show off the gadgetry as you said.) Also, the base he is going to has a secret underwater entrance, thats why he goes for the ocean.

[Darth-Mhysteriouz]

I only read the first part, until the cops go swimming with the fishes, but this really sounds cool!

Like it a lot!

I posted somewhere else, I'm looking for someone to write a
story for me, to make an animated short.

Now your concept's got me very interested, so if you ever up for the challenge, if you have some time, maybe we could work out something here?

Just asking -
if not, fine aswell ;) you just keep that imagination flowing!